Wife's "affair" after one year married

[reboot]

And there's your answer....

[Dobber80]

She is going to stay at her parents

[Overtaxed]

Well here goes.

 

I asked her if she really wanted to get through this and heal, she said yes absolutely. I told her I feel as though I can't move on, because I still feel she is hiding things from me, and if she can't be fully honest, then I can't even begin to reconcile. She then said it's all in my head, and she blames herself because of the way she trickled the truth to me in the beginning, so now I certainly can't trust her and I will always question if there's more.

 

I told her to ease my mind and prove she's telling me everything by taking a polygraph. At first she said, sure no problem. But then she realized I was serious and her tone quickly changed.

 

She says that's the craziest thing she's ever heard and I'm taking this way too far. I told her how much this would ease my mind, and help me heal and in turn would help our marriage. She kept saying I'm crazy, and would not take part in this nonsense.

 

We then argued about everything, had a fight as to why she wouldn't participate in the polygraph, then she packed her suitcase and left for work in tears. She said she loves me with all her heart, but I pushed her too far, and she can't take it anymore. Unbelievable, I'm at a loss for words.

 

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

 

Let her stay in a hotel for a few nights, or at a friends. She'll be back. And if she's not, you have your answer. Would you hesitate to take a poly if that was what she needed to feel good about something? Of course not, I might grumble about it, but I'd take it; I wouldn't pack up my crap and leave.

 

There's obviously a lot she's not telling you. Let her stew on it for awhile. You probably won't need the poly, you'll be back in here in a few days telling us about what "really" happened in the parking lot.

 

I'm so sorry man, but you're moving through this fast, it's much better than suffering endlessly. If she's not willing to take the poly, you have you answer. Do NOT relent on this unless she gives you a "real" confession. And that will certainly involve sex, probably kinky sex, and probably a lot of it for the time period in question. Prepare yourself for that; and start deciding what you want to do if that is in fact the case.

[Dobber80]

If it were just the kiss, I could probably learn to forgive and get over it.

 

If she slept with him, I'm done. No questions asked, I'm gone and I think she knows that. Which is why she isn't cracking, and taking this to her grave.

 

She also said it's not my business to tell his wife anything, that's his responsibility not mine. She then got upset, urging me to just finish her off and leave her already. I'm torturing her everyday for answers I'm not gonna get.

 

She ended up leaving with her suitcase, which has been half packed for weeks now. Threatening to leave a few times, but never did. We'll see if she comes home tonight or not.

 

Refusing the polygraph speaks volumes, and it's frustrating she won't admit how bad that looks on her. FML

Edited June 8, 2017 by Dobber80

[Overtaxed]

If it were just the kiss, I could probably learn to forgive and get over it.

 

If she slept with him, I'm done. No questions asked, I'm gone and I think she knows that. Which is why she isn't cracking, and taking this to her grave.

 

Refusing the polygraph speaks volumes, and it's frustrating she won't admit how bad that looks on her. FML

 

If that's the case, file for D. You're right, that's probably why she won't crack. It doesn't change what she did. And, honestly, your better off not knowing the details if your going to D anyway, the mind movies are hell, and, if you just move on, you'll never get them the way I (and many others) do who pushed to get the details.

 

I'm so sorry man. I know your pain. I feel it every day, as do many others here. There really is nothing left to do at this point but file though, I know you know, in your heart, she slept with this guy. And that's a deal breaker for you; so, there's really not much left to discuss at this point with her; file and start planning your new life without her. It's going to be wonderful and you'll meet someone better who won't do this to you.

 

I'll leave you with this joke. Do you know what divorce is expensive? Because it's worth it. I know this is not what you need right now, but you're paying to get rid of a person who's hurt you so badly that you can't see straight. How much is that worth? The answer; A WHOLE LOT. Just get it rolling, you'll feel better once you start the process and start down the road of getting her out of your life.

 

I'm envious of you never having to hear the details. I know you're dying for some truth right now, but, trust me, it won't help. You know, and we all know what happened. That's all you need to know; let it be and start your new, better life today.

[QuietDan]

If it were just the kiss, I could probably learn to forgive and get over it.

 

If she slept with him, I'm done. No questions asked, I'm gone and I think she knows that. Which is why she isn't cracking, and taking this to her grave.

 

Refusing the polygraph speaks volumes, and it's frustrating she won't admit how bad that looks on her. FML

It's a high stakes poker game. She is holding a cheaters hand. You called her bluff, she is hoping that by raising the stakes, you will lose your nerve and fold.

[Poutrew]

Your 'wife' is using fighting with you as a distraction. Yes, she had PIV sex with the OM. Of course she knows what she did. She will not take the polygraph because she knows what the results will be. It is good that you never had any kids with this creature... DO NOT let her convince you to have sex. She will use pregnancy to keep you on the hook. It is good she has left for mommies' house. The longer she stays away, the better. It is good for two main reasons. She basically blamed you for her leaving - the next step is she will be totally blaming you for her affair. Somehow, you pressuring her to have kids 'forced' her to open her legs for the OM. You now know the truth. It is also good for legal reasons: You need to go RIGHT NOW to the lawyer and begin divorce proceedings and have her served - her leaving the house will be shown by your lawyer to constitute abandonment. It will work in your favor for the eventual settlement...

 

Also, do not think for one instant that you are somehow washed up due to your age. I am hitting 60, and as an unmarried straight man, I am worth my weight in gold to women. I can have as many women or as few as I desire. I do not doubt for one instant that you will be in the same boat once you are again a free agent...

Save

Edited June 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

If it were just the kiss, I could probably learn to forgive and get over it.

 

If she slept with him, I'm done. No questions asked, I'm gone and I think she knows that. Which is why she isn't cracking, and taking this to her grave.

 

She also said it's not my business to tell his wife anything, that's his responsibility not mine. She then got upset, urging me to just finish her off and leave her already. I'm torturing her everyday for answers I'm not gonna get.

 

She ended up leaving with her suitcase, which has been half packed for weeks now. Threatening to leave a few times, but never did. We'll see if she comes home tonight or not.

 

Refusing the polygraph speaks volumes, and it's frustrating she won't admit how bad that looks on her. FML

 

She trying to cover for him. Cheater script. He means more than you at this time.

 

You made a huge blunder here. You warned her now she'll warn him. They'll conspire against you and make you out to be a crazy jealous husband or he'll be watching to block your contact.

 

Get in touch with his wife. This is your life, etc. cheating isn't ok.

Until you get strong and take control you'll wallow in this.

[Marc878]

If it were just the kiss, I could probably learn to forgive and get over it.

 

If she slept with him, I'm done. No questions asked, I'm gone and I think she knows that. Which is why she isn't cracking, and taking this to her grave.

 

She also said it's not my business to tell his wife anything, that's his responsibility not mine. She then got upset, urging me to just finish her off and leave her already. I'm torturing her everyday for answers I'm not gonna get.

 

She ended up leaving with her suitcase, which has been half packed for weeks now. Threatening to leave a few times, but never did. We'll see if she comes home tonight or not.

 

Refusing the polygraph speaks volumes, and it's frustrating she won't admit how bad that looks on her. FML

 

Better finish this and inform his wife. Exposure is the only thing that can stop this. If you back down you lose big time. She'll control and manipulate you forever.

 

Make your life what you want it to be.

 

Again get fully awake here. You are almost there!!!

[S2B]

She's hiding info (same as lying).

 

If she's unwilling to take that polygraph then she's made the decision for you...which she actually already did when she also made a conscious decision to betray you.

 

She throwing a fit so you just become compliant. Don't give in - her drama is designed so you go along with her crappy behavior.

[Marc878]

If that's the case, file for D. You're right, that's probably why she won't crack. It doesn't change what she did. And, honestly, your better off not knowing the details if your going to D anyway, the mind movies are hell, and, if you just move on, you'll never get them the way I (and many others) do who pushed to get the details.

 

I'm so sorry man. I know your pain. I feel it every day, as do many others here. There really is nothing left to do at this point but file though, I know you know, in your heart, she slept with this guy. And that's a deal breaker for you; so, there's really not much left to discuss at this point with her; file and start planning your new life without her. It's going to be wonderful and you'll meet someone better who won't do this to you.

 

I'll leave you with this joke. Do you know what divorce is expensive? Because it's worth it. I know this is not what you need right now, but you're paying to get rid of a person who's hurt you so badly that you can't see straight. How much is that worth? The answer; A WHOLE LOT. Just get it rolling, you'll feel better once you start the process and start down the road of getting her out of your life.

 

I'm envious of you never having to hear the details. I know you're dying for some truth right now, but, trust me, it won't help. You know, and we all know what happened. That's all you need to know; let it be and start your new, better life today.

 

I disagree. The full truth can get you some closure.

[Overtaxed]

I disagree. The full truth can get you some closure.

 

To each his own; I never would have wanted to know the full details if I was heading for D. I can see your point, but I'd rather "wonder" then know, or picture it in a different way than what really happened. The details in my case, like most, were very hurtful; lots of sex, kink, the whole "A" package.

[S2B]

Gain an upper hand. Change the locks and inform her she's unwelcome in your home until she takes the polygraph.

 

Hurry up and inform his wife!

 

 

Your wife needs to feel some pain and consequences in order to change. She's proven she's giving you nothing as long as you're nice...so start playing hard ball!

 

Do it now! Don't wait! Take a stand and gain some power back by taking action that proves you require honesty from her in order to consider moving forward.

[Marc878]

If it were just the kiss, I could probably learn to forgive and get over it.

 

If she slept with him, I'm done. No questions asked, I'm gone and I think she knows that. Which is why she isn't cracking, and taking this to her grave.

 

She also said it's not my business to tell his wife anything, that's his responsibility not mine. She then got upset, urging me to just finish her off and leave her already. I'm torturing her everyday for answers I'm not gonna get.

 

She ended up leaving with her suitcase, which has been half packed for weeks now. Threatening to leave a few times, but never did. We'll see if she comes home tonight or not.

 

Refusing the polygraph speaks volumes, and it's frustrating she won't admit how bad that looks on her. FML

 

She doesn't care. As long as she has hopes that she can play you like she has this will continue and there will bf no true R.

 

Unless she commits you can either D or rugsweep and take it.

 

Quit letting your fear define you. There is s lot at stake here

[GoldenR]

You have your answer....

 

Now tell her boss's wife.

[BluesPower]

She trying to cover for him. Cheater script. He means more than you at this time.

 

You made a huge blunder here. You warned her now she'll warn him. They'll conspire against you and make you out to be a crazy jealous husband or he'll be watching to block your contact.

 

Get in touch with his wife. This is your life, etc. cheating isn't ok.

Until you get strong and take control you'll wallow in this.

 

Yes, you need to call his wife NOW and tell her everything.

 

You know what my wife was the most upset at me about, that I put one of her AP's in the hospital. (Statue has run out).

 

She is covering for him and has been the whole time. I would be surprised if they have not had sex since you found out...

[harrybrown]

while she is throwing her hissy fit, I agree, tell the OM's wife.

 

Your wife is out right now with the OM.

 

Go see your attorney and file.

 

She does not love you enough to give you the gift of the truth.

 

when was the last time she did something nice for you? If she has not gone out of her way to do something nice, she does not love you.

 

She did many nice things for the OM while married to you. She will not give you the gift that you ask for, taking the polly.

 

She had wonderful sex with the OM.

[Marc878]

One thing you should have figured out right now is that the opinions and advice you've gotten are pretty solid.

 

Advice means nothing if you don't use it.

 

From what I've seen the ones who suffer the most don't get strong enough quickly and linger in this crap a lot longer than they need to.

[S2B]

She definitely isn't holding your feelings at a high level. She isn't willing to do anything and everything to regain your trust.

 

You don't have a remorseful cheater. You have a gal that's only mad she's been caught. There's a BIG difference!

 

You've got nothing that shows she intends to be honest with you - so she ruined the chances of reconciling...especially by leaving instead of offering solutions that could repair the damage she created.

 

Her way is backwards...and always indicates the affair is still alive and active.

 

 

Swift and harsh consequences as soon as any affair is discovered is the way to go.

 

If you don't ha d out harsh consequences now there's little chance the M can ever get back on solid ground. She doesn't respect you. Respect yourself enough to show her you're willing to take action that shows you respect yourself.

[Bobdobalina]

You have to think of yourself and expose this to his wife and the company

Her protection of him and his family situation over you and your situation

Is disgraceful do it now while she is out of the marital home and watch the truth roll out as he throws her under a bus for his self preservation

[KatieLaw]

My H did the same thing. During the love bombing stage, he said sure, he'd take the poly. When I actually spoke to the examiner and asked H which day and time he'd like to go, he turned into a snarling monster and refused the test.

 

It was only when I let him believe I'd spoken with the tramp that he changed his mind and took the test. It's no wonder he didn't want to take it. He had a lot to hide.

[Marc878]

If it were just the kiss, I could probably learn to forgive and get over it.

 

If she slept with him, I'm done. No questions asked, I'm gone and I think she knows that. Which is why she isn't cracking, and taking this to her grave.

 

She also said it's not my business to tell his wife anything, that's his responsibility not mine. She then got upset, urging me to just finish her off and leave her already. I'm torturing her everyday for answers I'm not gonna get.

 

She ended up leaving with her suitcase, which has been half packed for weeks now. Threatening to leave a few times, but never did. We'll see if she comes home tonight or not.

 

Refusing the polygraph speaks volumes, and it's frustrating she won't admit how bad that looks on her. FML

 

Nope, you do not want a D even though this is a full sexual affair. Anyone where a physical affair is a deal breaker knows what this is and will not live in denial, They just file D and move on. They don't need a forum.

 

You will try and R no matter what. Your wife knows this and keeping the truth a secret is the only way she thinks she can keep you under control. Mainly because you've let her play you.

 

Better think about what you're doing here.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Marc878

[S2B]

I doubt you'll divorce her when you find out she's had sex with him many, many times.

 

Do yourself a favor and be sure you don't blame yourself.

 

It's ONLY her fault. She's broken and you can't fix that for her.

 

Demand she seek professional help IF you consider staying. Don't allow her to move back home until she's had progress with a professional therapist - which is likely a year at a minimum - even if she goes once a week.

[aliveagain]

You've drawn your line in the sand now defend it. The worst thing you can is nothing, the second worst thing is to move your line once you've drawn it. Taking her suitcase was her attempt to get you to move your line, counter by starting the process. Filing doesn't necessarily mean divorce, it just puts an unremorseful spouse on notice, let's her know your serious and she has until the final decree to stop the process. You can't nice them back and rug sweeping kills any value that's left in your marriage. She has to prove to you she is worth the effort of reconciliation, she's not the prize, you are. You need to tell the other betrayed spouse, the other man is not financially stupid just a POS.

 

He knows that divorce will financially ruin him, he will beg, cry like a little girl, agree to just about anything his wife wants to maintain his lifestyle including throwing your wife under the bus. Exposure is still the number 1 way to kill an affair and why we recommend you do it immediately. If she leaves she would have anyway. Why delay it any longer then you need to, just gives her time to get her ducks in a row. Change your banking, credit cards, she just deserted you, don't finance her affair. Let her see how hard her life without you will be. Do not warn her you are talking to O/M's wife, just do it. Take back control of your life, don't let her make decisions about the future of your relationship, she makes really bad decisions.

Edited June 8, 2017 by aliveagain

[Marc878]

You have to think of yourself and expose this to his wife and the company

Her protection of him and his family situation over you and your situation

Is disgraceful do it now while she is out of the marital home and watch the truth roll out as he throws her under a bus for his self preservation

 

Yep, excellent advice.

 

Those that expose are relieved to get it off their chest.

 

The thing is an affair is secretive and hidden. No cheater wants their fantasy to end. Because then everyone sees them for who they are. Good luck at having a future without the truth