Wife's "affair" after one year married

[GoldenR]

Read Alive Again's post, two up from mine. Read it over and over and over until it sinks in. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

[usa1ah]

This is the problem. She is the one that has to do the heavy lifting here. She is the one that cheated.

 

If she is trying to blackmail you in away to give this up, it is up to you to decide what your actions will be. To threats to leave because you need the truth is blackmail.

 

Let the other mans wife know what has been going on.

 

See a lawyer and have papers drawn up. You can stop a divorce anytime you want if she starts telling the truth and you can live with it.

[Imajerk17]

As mentioned yesterday, she packed her suitcase and left for work, crying, saying she loved me with all her heart, and I pushed her too far.

 

She did not come home last night, but can confirm she did go to her parents.

 

I read messages from her mom, asking her if I texted her at all yesterday. She said no, and her mom is telling her not to text or call me either. Her mom thinks this separation will prove how much I love her or not. My wife has been telling her mom I've been treating her unfairly by not giving her attention and not wanting to go out with her anywhere. Her mom is extremely gullible, and is going to take her side no matter, I get that. So naturally her mom thinks the poly is insane as well. She told her mom she desperately wants us to get back to normal and is so scared this is the end, and she's scared I'm going to leave and realize I don't need her.

 

It feels like a waiting game now to see who will text who first.

However, I think I'm just going to tell her either admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile. Or take the poly, and if she refuses, it's over.

 

Why wasn't she "so scared" when she started this affair in the first place then?

 

Those of us encouraging OP to take the tougher line--which I am also wholeheartedly endorsing, need to realize what else might be happening here though. It sounds like everyone in OP's circle thinks that OP should 'just get over it' and 'stop being such a jerk' to his wife, **including OP's family**. (Is that right OP? I think I read that they were encouraging you to reconcile.) He is under a lot of pressure to cave.

 

We are the only ones who seem to have OP's back and know how much worse off he will be if he DOES cave and doesn't take a harder line and insist upon a poly....or even better just file for divorce. OP, you have no kids to worry about, and if she is cheating now....

Edited June 9, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Silveron]

Polygraph won't do crap.. Think of this as a weed. So say you get the polygraph and she passes, well you pulled the leaves off that weed but eventually those leaves grow back (which means more drama).

 

 

Deal with the weed by the root (root of the issue). Do this by counseling. She needs help mentally and you need to find a way to deal with this. Forcing someone with an ultimatum with a polygraph is not right, even in this situation. Quit playing detective, if you don't that in itself will drive you crazy.

 

 

If you are serious about this, find a good counselor today.

 

 

The only way you can trust her is when she can understand and feel what you have experienced and will continue to feel. The dishonor, mistrust, the damage to the bond.. Until then, you won't trust her and a polygraph is not going to allow you to trust her. Start off your sentences with 'I feel'. No need for vengeance either, that won't get to where you want to be.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Silveron

[WilyWill]

Ignore the advice immediately above. A polygraph is a useful tool, not for the test itself, but because of the pre-test reaction it elicits. You'll get a strong aversion to it first. But later you'll get a parking lot confession. She'll tell the truth to you in the parking lot of the examiner's office, just to avoid doing the test. Then you'll finally have closure.

[Crazelnut]

However, I think I'm just going to tell her either admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile. Or take the poly, and if she refuses, it's over.

 

You're only halfway to getting it, Dobber. "Admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile." Um, haven't you already figured out that she will not tell you EVERYTHING. You will only get partial truths from her. And how will you know it's the full story, anyway.

 

But let's say she tells you all about the nasty sex she has with him. You willing to reconcile? I don't think so. So don't even offer that as an option.

 

You need to pull your head out of your butt and deal with the reality. Her response to the polygraph request told you everything you need to know.

 

Oh, and WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO TELL HIS WIFE?

[Vincentstreet]

I am afraid your wasting your time here. The lengths she has gone to.. to deny you the truth and keep up the charade is typical. (remember the lies you caught her out in.. that's just the tip of the iceberg.. she has most likely given herself to this guys in ways she has never given you) You can NEVER trust her. Do yourself a favor and cut your losses while you are still young. I am pretty certain there are many women out there who are worthy.

 

Run!!! get out!!! You don't owe her mother anything, and certainly not her.

[S2B]

If she was staying at her Moms house then why did her Mom need to text her? Don't they talk in person when they live in the same house?

 

She parked the car in that parking lot - her OM probably picked her up to go somewhere and dropped her off afterwards.

 

If you file for divorce immediately - your chances of her becoming more compliant to you is greater.

 

File asap!

 

 

Have you informed the OM's wife yet? Do that immediately! It will also allow you to understand if she is still communicating with the OM. She will likely have an angry response if she knows you exposed her.

[QuietDan]

At risk if being too politically incorrect, I am both impressed and horrified with a Waywards Wife's appearantly natural skill and ability to lie and deny with unwavering unflinching resilience and persistence. The number of threads I have read that describe the apparently unblinking steady earnest telless lying ability that a wayward wife has when being confronted with anything less than incontrovertible proof is... Well... From a male perpective, daunting, unsettling, and intimidating. Appearantly, most can perform at this level regardless of upbringing, or historic family value or innocent good girl background, once they have ventured into wayward status, this seems to almost comes as the standard package...

[reboot]

At risk if being too politically incorrect, I am both impressed and horrified with a Waywards Wife's appearantly natural skill and ability to lie and deny with unwavering unflinching resilience and persistence. The number of threads I have read that describe the apparently unblinking steady earnest telless lying ability that a wayward wife has when being confronted with anything less than incontrovertible proof is... Well... From a male perpective, daunting, unsettling, and intimidating. Appearantly, most can perform at this level regardless of upbringing, or historic family value or innocent good girl background, once they have ventured into wayward status, this seems to almost comes as the standard package...

 

Incredible isn't it? It can almost make you think you're the one that's crazy.

[GoldenR]

If she was staying at her Moms house then why did her Mom need to text her? Don't they talk in person when they live in the same house?

 

She parked the car in that parking lot - her OM probably picked her up to go somewhere and dropped her off afterwards.

 

 

This ^^^^^. I've been wondering this myself.

[Zona]

At risk if being too politically incorrect, I am both impressed and horrified with a Waywards Wife's appearantly natural skill and ability to lie and deny with unwavering unflinching resilience and persistence. The number of threads I have read that describe the apparently unblinking steady earnest telless lying ability that a wayward wife has when being confronted with anything less than incontrovertible proof is... Well... From a male perpective, daunting, unsettling, and intimidating. Appearantly, most can perform at this level regardless of upbringing, or historic family value or innocent good girl background, once they have ventured into wayward status, this seems to almost comes as the standard package...

 

Yes, if you lurk around this forum long enough, you will undoubtedly realize these very unsettling facts for yourself.

 

Normally a woman's amazing ability to sway and influence their husband is used for good, to make a man better, to motivate him, and push him to succeed. However, once a woman gets sucked into an affair, those powers of persuasion become a tool for evil.

 

I've seen the female persona from both sides, a hellish two year relationship with a BPD girlfriend, and an almost 20 year happy marriage to a good woman (and even this is hard).

 

Select your mate wisely, and take your time. Some aspects of a woman's personality take a while to surface. Even then, there is no guarantee.

[Dobber80]

If she was staying at her Moms house then why did her Mom need to text her? Don't they talk in person when they live in the same house?

 

Because she was at work on lunch break, while texting her mom at home. This is true. Her mom was asking how she's holding up, and if I've tried contacting her yet.

 

Day 2 since she left, and she hasn't contacted me at all, nor have I contacted her. I think her plan is to separate, and make me miss her and beg for her back. Her mom even said it.

 

My family knows, and her family knows. As well as some friends. Over the past hellish 5 months, she has done a lot to try and make things right. Number one being she quit her job, shes still kind and tries to do things to get back to normal again. She tries to plan things to do, but I just can't have any of it right now. Which in turn is frustrating her. She keeps saying if I can't love her again, then just let her go. But it's obviously much more complicated than that. She cooks for me, still cleans around the house. However, she won't do the poly and that speaks volumes. She says over and over "I quit my job for you".

 

She has also said if I tell the other guys wife, then it's over. It's not my business to tell her, it's his she says. She doesn't want word getting out at her former workplace about what she has done. She still has a lot of friends there.

 

But that's too bad, it's time for her to know I've put it off long enough.

[aliveagain]

Because she was at work on lunch break, while texting her mom at home. This is true. Her mom was asking how she's holding up, and if I've tried contacting her yet.

 

Day 2 since she left, and she hasn't contacted me at all, nor have I contacted her. I think her plan is to separate, and make me miss her and beg for her back. Her mom even said it.

 

My family knows, and her family knows. As well as some friends. Over the past hellish 5 months, she has done a lot to try and make things right. Number one being she quit her job, shes still kind and tries to do things to get back to normal again. She tries to plan things to do, but I just can't have any of it right now. Which in turn is frustrating her. She keeps saying if I can't love her again, then just let her go. But it's obviously much more complicated than that. She cooks for me, still cleans around the house. However, she won't do the poly and that speaks volumes. She says over and over "I quit my job for you". She didn't quit her job for you she did it for the O/M's protection and her own shame.

 

She has also said if I tell the other guys wife, then it's over. It's not my business to tell her, it's his she says. She doesn't want word getting out at her former workplace about what she has done. She still has a lot of friends there.

 

But that's too bad, it's time for her to know I've put it off long enough.

 

Friend, here is all you need to know. She refuses a poly because she already knows the truth is so bad you'll divorce her. She threatened you with divorce if you tell the other man's wife. She is choosing to protect him over you. This is a marriage ending threat, his safety is more important then yours. This tells me the affair is still going on. She is not worth the trouble or effort required for reconciliation. Talk to a lawyer. Read up on the "180" and implement it immediately. Expose her cheating a$$ to the other man's wife, seriously.

Edited June 10, 2017 by aliveagain

[Marc878]

Because she was at work on lunch break, while texting her mom at home. This is true. Her mom was asking how she's holding up, and if I've tried contacting her yet.

 

Day 2 since she left, and she hasn't contacted me at all, nor have I contacted her. I think her plan is to separate, and make me miss her and beg for her back. Her mom even said it.

 

She cheats and wants you to beg? Really. That's not the life you want to live.

 

My family knows, and her family knows. As well as some friends. Over the past hellish 5 months, she has done a lot to try and make things right. Number one being she quit her job, shes still kind and tries to do things to get back to normal again. She tries to plan things to do, but I just can't have any of it right now. Which in turn is frustrating her. She keeps saying if I can't love her again, then just let her go. But it's obviously much more complicated than that. She cooks for me, still cleans around the house. However, she won't do the poly and that speaks volumes. She says over and over "I quit my job for you".

 

She has also said if I tell the other guys wife, then it's over. It's not my business to tell her, it's his she says. She doesn't want word getting out at her former workplace about what she has done. She still has a lot of friends there.

 

But that's too bad, it's time for her to know I've put it off long enough.

 

My friend if hiding her affair from her other mans wife is all that's keeping her married to you it's not much to work with.

 

It also speaks volumes of how much control she has over you. His protection is more important than her husband? Wow

 

You should have already blown this up. You are letting your weakness and her control define you. Stop!!!!

 

No warning !!!!!!

[Zona]

She doesn't want word getting out at her former workplace about what she has done. She still has a lot of friends there.

 

That's as close to an admission of the truth as you have got out of her.

 

Obviously it wouldn't be a big deal if it was a few kisses and a quick grope.

 

It's clear that she has this almost insane desire to cover up the extent of the affair, and that is why she is playing this crazy emotional chess game with you to try and stop you from discovering the truth and exposing her actions.

 

She is WAY more worried about the affair being exposed than she is worried about your mental health, or even you divorcing her, don't you think?

Edited June 10, 2017 by Zona

[GoldenR]

By saying it's over of you tell his wife, she's choosing to protect him over healing you.

 

That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

[usa1ah]

Because she was at work on lunch break, while texting her mom at home. This is true. Her mom was asking how she's holding up, and if I've tried contacting her yet.

 

Day 2 since she left, and she hasn't contacted me at all, nor have I contacted her. I think her plan is to separate, and make me miss her and beg for her back. Her mom even said it.

 

My family knows, and her family knows. As well as some friends. Over the past hellish 5 months, she has done a lot to try and make things right. Number one being she quit her job, shes still kind and tries to do things to get back to normal again. She tries to plan things to do, but I just can't have any of it right now. Which in turn is frustrating her. She keeps saying if I can't love her again, then just let her go. But it's obviously much more complicated than that. She cooks for me, still cleans around the house. However, she won't do the poly and that speaks volumes. She says over and over "I quit my job for you".

 

She has also said if I tell the other guys wife, then it's over. It's not my business to tell her, it's his she says. She doesn't want word getting out at her former workplace about what she has done. She still has a lot of friends there.

 

But that's too bad, it's time for her to know I've put it off long enough.

 

 

Tell her next time she says " I quite my job for you!" You f@@kes your boss for yourself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dobber , at 37 you are probably a few months older than my son. If it was him in your place I would tell him that for the sake of his own sanity and because he deserves so much better, he should initiate divorce proceedings immediately and have nothing more to do with this woman. She is not worth the scrap of paper that you have signed jointly with her in church solidifying your marriage vows and making you a couple. To put it crudely, she has crapped all over that piece of paper and your marriage. A woman ( or man) who cheats during the honeymoon phase of a marriage has to be the worst kind of traitor that one can imagine. It only goes to show that she had scant respect for you or the marriage and all her shenanigans to date are to protect her AP and her reputation.

 

All this threat of divorcing you or your marriage ending is just so much bull because the moment you file and reveal everything that went on to the AP's wife and at his workplace, she will be a blubbering mass of hysteria and may come around on bended knee for you to take her back. Even if you do not want to be vindictive, just file for divorce and let her figure out her future course of action with her AP. Warm wishes.

[oldlion]

In every bad situation there comes a point where hard decisions have to be made. You are reaching that point. You are either going to have to decide to believe your wife and continue the life you have had for the last 10 years or decide she is lying and you can't get by that and walk away from her. I see you are one of those that has to know every detail and I understand that. There are those that just can't let go and have to turn up and look under every rock. You believe that if she has done more than she said and she tells you then she believes you will leave her. You even said you would leave her. If I thought that my life would be destroyed if I told something then I, and probably you and a lot of other people, would hold out as long as possible. It is called survival and is a very powerful instinct. My wife had at least a 10 year on and off EA. I was gone a lot (US Army Special Forces) and during my deployments a civilian "friend", who was married with 2 children, decided he could fill my wife's emotional void. When I finally found out it stopped dead. Was it a PA also? I never ask because I didn't want to know. If I knew, and being the person I was at the time, I would have done him dire physical damage and maybe even a divorce. What brought us back together was the death of someone I dearly loved and the fact that my wife and I loved each other more than anything else. Like your wife, my wife said nothing physical ever happened between them. I chose to believe her because I knew something like that would never happen again. And it hasn't. For the last 35 years our marriage has been as close to ideal as a marriage can get. I trust her above everyone and there's not but about 5 people in the world I trust 100 per cent. You have a "gut feeling" that there is more and there very well could be. What is finding out more going to do to your life? Do you love her as much as you say or do you love her only if she never does anything to upset your world and infidelity can really upset a world. As I have said before, I had 2 careers in 45 years. Both were dangerous and violent and my gut feeling has saved my ass more than once. But also along the way I found out that sometimes my gut was wrong. Could yours be wrong? Sometimes a marriage can be like a piece of iron. A walk through the fire can make iron into steel and a really bad place in a marriage, stronger. She has done a lot to win you back. If you don't love her enough to accept her remorse and what she is doing to R, and you must have answers that she don't have or feels she can't give, then stop the hurt for both of you and walk away. If you do love her and you walk away, my "gut" says, in years to come you, you may wish you hadn't. I do wish you well.

[HereNorThere]

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

[Overtaxed]

At risk if being too politically incorrect, I am both impressed and horrified with a Waywards Wife's appearantly natural skill and ability to lie and deny with unwavering unflinching resilience and persistence. The number of threads I have read that describe the apparently unblinking steady earnest telless lying ability that a wayward wife has when being confronted with anything less than incontrovertible proof is... Well... From a male perpective, daunting, unsettling, and intimidating. Appearantly, most can perform at this level regardless of upbringing, or historic family value or innocent good girl background, once they have ventured into wayward status, this seems to almost comes as the standard package...

 

Have to agree on this one. I said on my thread, and I feel the same, I really didn't think my wife could lie. Of course we can all lie about small things, but a big lie? I didn't think she could do it. She hated that in other people, she always jumped all over her family members for doing it, and then.. It seemed like she couldn't stop lying. I had the proof from day 1, got more proof later, but it was incontrovertible. I never said "I know this" but I did tell her, in general, where the proof came from (phone/computer recovery). And still, it took about 4 months of conversation before I got to the "big" lies.

 

Women know the sex stuff is very important to most men. It seems that it's standard WW script to not only have a lot of sex with the OM, but also do things with him that are off limits to the H. So, those are generally the most protected lies; the ones that are hardest to get to. It's why some men ardently seek affairs, the best way to have "kinky" sex seems to be "have it with another man's wife". I have no idea why this is the case, I've heard some plausible explanations, but nothing that really clicks. I can tell you what it feels like though; "You never loved me" or "I was always your 2nd choice". Which is why so many WW's are so careful to maintain that secret.

[Trtroles]

Your wife is threatening to leave you for months. Wtf man. Now she is gone for 2 days. She is makind demands like you are the one who cheated.

 

She is protecting OM and his family. This means she still cares for him and wants best for him.

Expose them. Tell the other wife because she deserves to know. They hurt you,your family,other wife,her 3 kids...

 

Go to HR and report the boss. He deserves some pain.

 

We only kissed--we had sex

We only kissed 3 times--we had sex 333 times

 

He was at your wedding. No respect for you from your wife side. Oh my God.

 

Why did she fight with female co-worker ??? I can bet my life she found about them and wanted to expose them.

 

Her mom is just like her. Supports cheating

[Trtroles]

one more thing

 

DONT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS WOMAN

[QuietDan]

Have to agree on this one. I said on my thread, and I feel the same, I really didn't think my wife could lie. Of course we can all lie about small things, but a big lie? I didn't think she could do it. She hated that in other people, she always jumped all over her family members for doing it, and then.. It seemed like she couldn't stop lying. I had the proof from day 1, got more proof later, but it was incontrovertible. I never said "I know this" but I did tell her, in general, where the proof came from (phone/computer recovery). And still, it took about 4 months of conversation before I got to the "big" lies.

 

Women know the sex stuff is very important to most men. It seems that it's standard WW script to not only have a lot of sex with the OM, but also do things with him that are off limits to the H. So, those are generally the most protected lies; the ones that are hardest to get to. It's why some men ardently seek affairs, the best way to have "kinky" sex seems to be "have it with another man's wife". I have no idea why this is the case, I've heard some plausible explanations, but nothing that really clicks. I can tell you what it feels like though; "You never loved me" or "I was always your 2nd choice". Which is why so many WW's are so careful to maintain that secret.

Overtaxed, I noticed a bit of a change. The tone and nature of your post seem to noticeable change this last month or so.

You are still early in the affair recovery process... unfortunately, in all likely hood it will get a lot worse for both of you before it gets better. Recovery with a wayward that has ended things and doing everything right generally is 2 to 5 years.

 

Unfortunately, Dobber80's wayward is still acting like an active wayward. Everything she is doing screams active wayward...