Wife's "affair" after one year married

[WilyWill]

I agree with JustAGuy's assessment about the affair pre-existing the wedding. Here Dobber was on the happiest day of his life, having no idea that his wife's guest-of-honor boyfriend was silently ridiculing him. Admiring her body in the wedding gown, remembering what it was like to have that body. Makes it all the more sickening. And now her biggest priority? Protecting her lover at all costs. Can't get him in trouble with his wife, after all.

 

But here's what's unfolding at the inlaws house: They're asking her why she can't just take the polygraph to make Dobber happy. She gives excuses. Feels like a "criminal" and it's beneath her. The inlaws agree in spirit, but what's the big deal? Just show Dobber how wrong he is. But she cries and refuses. And the inlaws begin to doubt their precious daughter. She admitted kissing her boss... maybe it went further, they realize.

 

Please come back and let us know how you're doing, Dobber. This game ain't over yet. If there's any chance of reconciliation, this stuff has to be brought into the open right now. Otherwise it will fester and poison your marriage until 10 years from now when you can't take it anymore. Settle the account NOW, not later. Otherwise you'll end up divorced, having wasted 10 years of your life on a pretend marriage.

Edited June 12, 2017 by WilyWill

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, One Loy's post and the link to the article while relevant still do not address the fundamental issue. If a person has character and integrity then the question of cheating seven months into a new marriage or, say, a hundred years, does not arise. However, if these essential qualities are missing ( Read "Morals of a cat") then anything is possible. The other thing is that a) A very liberal environment, b) Devaluation of the sanctity of sex within a relationship, c) The very favourable attitude of the law towards women in the Western world where infidelity is concerned, d) The very shallow and materialistic relationships that are becoming more and more common and lastly the empowerment of women especially their ability to gain entry into the workforce and earn respectable salaries has all led to the rise of infidelity. I think one needs to keep some of this in mind. Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

In case you are still reading your post there is one more thing I have been wanting to say for a while. She didn't quit her job with all those benefits because she wanted to save her marriage, she quit because of her argument with a supervisor. My guess is their special relationship with the boss has been discovered and O/M didn't give her any other option, quit or he would have her fired. Have you exposed the affair to his wife yet? Have you brought up the polygraph?

[WilyWill]

In case you are still reading your post there is one more thing I have been wanting to say for a while. She didn't quit her job with all those benefits because she wanted to save her marriage, she quit because of her argument with a supervisor. My guess is their special relationship with the boss has been discovered and O/M didn't give her any other option, quit or he would have her fired. Have you exposed the affair to his wife yet? Have you brought up the polygraph?

 

I think the "argument with a female supervisor" was actually and argument with her boss/boyfriend when she realized that he wasn't taking the relationship as seriously as she was. Dobber did bring up the polygraph and was gaslighted into believing he was "crazy" for requesting it, by both her and her mother. Now he's expected to prove his love by reaching out to her while she ghosts him. Sigh... the chutzpah.

 

You sleep with another man, invite that man to your wedding, and your husband just can't get over it. She finds that unreasonable.

 

I hope Dobber comes back.

[Dobber80]

Been trying to keep busy with friends, and getting out of this house as much as possible. Kinda depressing, staying here alone in the house I proposed to her in.

 

She came home Saturday night, while I was at work. I noticed the hose was out, she must have watered her flowers. She also left me a note on the counter saying "I love you with all my heart, and miss you so much". She also sent me a text last night, again, saying she loved me. I didn't respond.

 

For those saying the affair went on during my wedding, I think is highly unlikely. When I discovered all of their text messages, I read as far back as the wedding a year prior, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. Things got suspicious about a month before the Christmas party in November, which was a year and a bit after our wedding. You can tell the messaging picked up, started off flirty, then sexual joking, then indicating something happening.

 

I am telling his wife on my next day off. I have the messages printed off already. My concern is whether or not she will believe what I'm telling her.

 

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

Edited June 13, 2017 by Dobber80

[Zona]

Been trying to keep busy with friends, and getting out of this house as much as possible. Kinda depressing, staying here alone in the house I proposed to her in.

 

She came home Saturday night, while I was at work. I noticed the hose was out, she must have watered her flowers. She also left me a note on the counter saying "I love you with all my heart, and miss you so much". She also sent me a text last night, again, saying she loved me. I didn't respond.

 

For those saying the affair went on during my wedding, I think is highly unlikely. When I discovered all of their text messages, I read as far back as the wedding a year prior, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. Things got suspicious about a month before the Christmas party in November, which was a year and a bit after our wedding. You can tell the messaging picked up, started off flirty, then sexual joking, then indicating something happening.

 

I am telling his wife on my next day off. I have the messages printed off already. My concern is whether or not she will believe what I'm telling her.

 

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

 

Congrats on staying the course. No woman respects a man that they can walk all over, and by staying strong, she will gain respect for you and realize you are calling the shots in regards to the affair and any potential reconciliation, as it has to be.

 

Telling the OM's wife will break things wide open, which needs to be done since she still has not confessed to the obvious. You literally have a mountain of evidence, so unless she is a fool, she will see the truth.

 

It's fantastic that she blinked first.

 

Good luck and warm wishes.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Zona

[BTDT2012]

Been trying to keep busy with friends, and getting out of this house as much as possible. Kinda depressing, staying here alone in the house I proposed to her in.

 

She came home Saturday night, while I was at work. I noticed the hose was out, she must have watered her flowers. She also left me a note on the counter saying "I love you with all my heart, and miss you so much". She also sent me a text last night, again, saying she loved me. I didn't respond.

 

For those saying the affair went on during my wedding, I think is highly unlikely. When I discovered all of their text messages, I read as far back as the wedding a year prior, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. Things got suspicious about a month before the Christmas party in November, which was a year and a bit after our wedding. You can tell the messaging picked up, started off flirty, then sexual joking, then indicating something happening.

 

I am telling his wife on my next day off. I have the messages printed off already. My concern is whether or not she will believe what I'm telling her.

 

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

 

Why would you lose your house? And 37 is young. Don't even worry about whether the OBS believes you.

[WilyWill]

You're handling this very well, Dobber. But a woman who loved you with all her heart would make a full confession and would certainly be willing to take a polygraph. Judge her by her actions only, not by her words.

 

Try to be as gentle and friendly with OM's wife as possible. You two need to remain allies, sharing every bit of information with each other as you each learn new details from your respective spouses. OM will try to paint you as an insanely possessive spouse--make sure you present yourself to his wife as the rational cool-headed person that you are.

 

By now, OM and your wife have been in contact and gotten their stories aligned. After you've established a good relationship with his wife, suggest to her that she have him polygraphed.

[reboot]

But a woman who loved you with all her heart would make a full confession and would certainly be willing to take a polygraph. Judge her by her actions only, not by her words.

 

Uhmmmm... a woman who loved you with all her heart wouldn't have cheated in the first place. JMO.

[HereNorThere]

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

 

 

I'm almost exact the same age and I can assure you, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

 

Seriously, I thought my life was over at 30. Oh man, I couldn't have been more wrong. It's most like every year since then, I've had more fun and better luck dating than the previous year. The dating dynamics drastically change in your 30s. The playing field definitely levels out.

 

I seriously wouldn't even want to go back to the unequal dating dynamics of my 20s. I'd take my 27 year old lumbar spine, but that's about it. Every single other aspect has been way better. I'd read things about how a male's 30s are the prime of his life, but I didn't really believe it. Now I can say, those dudes were exactly right.

 

If you've been out of the game for a while, start working on self improvement. Hit the gym, diet, get better clothes, and start talking to your male friends that are good with women. Maybe get some books on dating, self improvement, etc.

 

And great going so far! We told you that sticking to your guns would work. She's folding and it won't be long until she throws herself at your mercy. Be prepared for a level of guilt and lovebombing like you've never seen before. She will pull every emotional manipulation tactic there is. Be careful because you have no idea how far she's willing to take it.

[Dobber80]

Why would you lose your house? And 37 is young. Don't even worry about whether the OBS believes you.

 

Because divorce usually ends in selling the house. I certainly couldn't afford to buy her out, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to stay here in the house we built together, proposed to etc. That just messes with your head.

[aliveagain]

Good decision telling his wife, the sooner the better. Don't tell your wife your plans, see if she calls you with the knowledge that you did. See if she gets the info from O/M. Trust me your young, you have a lot of life to live.

[BTDT2012]

Because divorce usually ends in selling the house. I certainly couldn't afford to buy her out, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to stay here in the house we built together, proposed to etc. That just messes with your head.

 

Talk to an attorney. She may feel guilty enough to let you have it. The you can sell it and get another one. I hope you have encouraged her to get another job.

[Dobber80]

And great going so far! We told you that sticking to your guns would work. She's folding and it won't be long until she throws herself at your mercy. Be prepared for a level of guilt and lovebombing like you've never seen before. She will pull every emotional manipulation tactic there is. Be careful because you have no idea how far she's willing to take it.

 

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Dobber80

[HereNorThere]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

Trust me, man. I totally get it. I'm sorry you're going through that. What's even worse is that this could easily be remedied by her if she wanted it. You have to keep that mind. She is the one responsible for this, not you. And while it may be scary to think about leaving, you are a perfectly capable adult who deserves love, respect and loyalty. You deserve more than the situation she has put you in.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Your sister can't know whether it's forgivable or not because no has the full story. Your sister doesn't have to sleep next to this monster every night while she's torture's her. And no, it wouldn't be easier if you were married 25 years. That's 25 years more down the drain. 25 years of memories and experiences together.

 

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

First off, they say file for a divorce, not divorce her. We're telling you she needs to think you're willing to do it. As long as she knows you're not, she has zero incentive to tell you the truth. To save this marriage, you absolutely have to be willing to lose this marriage.

 

Vows are just words, bro. They're worth about as much as you paid for them. The true test is your loyalty each other. You have kept up your end of the bargain and she hasn't. She could end every single bit of this today and she chooses not to. She has lied every single step of the way and gaslight you for months. She's watched you go to the doctor and take addictive medication for a psychiatric disorder SHE GAVE YOU. Think about that for a second. Could you find it in yourself to TORTURE her for months? Could you live with the guilt? Cause guess what, she could! She's watched you turn into a shell of you former self. And when there's nothing left you, she will let the vultures pick apart your lifeless corpse.

 

This is on her, man. All you want is the the truth. You saw the messages and you know she is lying. If she's wants to save the marriage soooo bad, she'll tell you the truth. If she cares about her boyfriend more, she'll continue feeding you poison while you watch a slow death... If.you.let.her.

 

Stay strong and keep posting if it helps. We're all rooting for you. I think broke the refresh button this weekend waiting for you to come back. We're gonna make a success story out of you, Dobber80. I just know it!

[BTDT2012]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life.

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Unless your wife is willing to accept full responsibility for her choices, you have nothing to work with. She broke the marriage covenant, not you. I know what it feels like to be blindsided. You can certainly try to work things out, but your relationship will never be the same. Only you can choose what is right for you. The rest of us are commenting based on our own experiences.

[Marc878]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

You're only 37 and married for only a year.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Blood is thicker than water. She's looking out for her sister not you.

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

 

Nope, adultery isn't acceptable

 

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

If it were me and I were wanting to see if there were a future it would be after the divorce. Cheating in the first year is a poor gamble. Not to mention not telling you the truth.

 

However, this is your life

[MickeyBill]

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

To some people no...I think the good times and bad are referring to the problems that happen in life but not the things that are caused by a spouse leaving the marriage to bang her boss.

So she is the one who failed to love and honor you.

 

You still have integrity and can look at yourself in the mirror and not think "boy I really effed up with Mrs Dobber" She can't say the same thing.

 

This forum is filled with people who are divorced and likely BS. I am. But some marriages can be reconciled, it is not not easy but it's ok to try if BOTH OF YOU agree thats what you want.

Now is not the time to decide D or R. Take some time to let the emotion calm down and to see what Mrs D does, and it needs to be more than a note and watering the flowers...

 

The goal is to get out of infidelity, if she has stopped seeing the OM that is a good step. The next step is to decide if the both of you want to and are able to build a new marriage. It takes two to say yes but one to say no.

[WilyWill]

People will tell you to divorce for one of two reasons. One is that it can shock the cheater into adjusting their priorities by directly putting the consequences into their face. It can be that moment where the dam bursts and you finally receive a full confession and the full remorse that should accompany it. She just wants you to forget about all this and pretend that it never happened. If you try to do that, it will stick around like ghost sitting in the shadows, tainting your relationship forever.

 

The other reason people jump to recommend divorce is that they know reconciliation is damn hard and could very well fail. They'd like to see you get on with your life instead of wasting time walking up a dead-end alley. You're at this critical juncture right now. If you choose reconciliation, she has to do everything right in the coming years for it to have a chance of working. One of these things is a full honest confession. And even if she does do everything right in the coming years, you might realize 10 years from now that you never got over the infidelity and never will. At that point your finances are fully intertwined and you've got kids. You could have spent those 10 years with a faithful loving wife, but no, you chose a reconciliation that was destined to fail, and wasted a good part of your life. Those of us who recommend divorce do so because we know it's the safer bet for having a happy life.

 

Ultimately, you have to make the right choice for yourself. You should take as much time as you need to process this. But while you're doing that, you should ruthlessly pursue getting the whole story so that you can make an informed decision when the time comes.

[Crazelnut]

Dobber, you need to get over this nonsense about starting over at the decrepit age of 37. I am SO rolling my eyes at that one. I was widowed at 46 and started over. I just got married at 52. This is a total non-issue. Life doesn't end at 40. And losing your house? Seriously?? You'd stay with a lying cheat just to avoid starting your life over? Snap out of it.

[HereNorThere]

It sounds to me that little breadcrumb (the note) is doing exactly what she designed it to do, make you question yourself.

 

If she really cared, she would have left her polygraph results there instead. Think about it.

 

Please, please, Dobber80, don't just listen to us. Go to every single infidelity thread and forum and read every long post. Your brain will start to put together the wayward pattern pretty fast. There's absolutely nothing special about your situation or your wayward. She is sticking to the cheater's script like every single cheater that came before her.

 

When you read those threads, you'll see the OP come to a crossroad like you have. And if they finally put their foot down, the trickle of truth usually always turns into a waterfall. It's so unbelievably predictable.

[OneLov]

I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

My point in posting the link was to demonstrate that this rationalization is simply a pissing contest. Whether you were together for 1 year or 50 years, it is irrelevant to the feeling of betrayal as there is NEVER a "better time." You would still feel blindsided. It would still very much suck.

 

Now, relationship history is relevant in weighing the decision to reconcile. Like HereNorThere pointed out: Twenty-five years is like twenty-five more counterweights that would make your decision 25x harder. Factor in children, then you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I would not put so much emphasis on the fact that you recently got married. You were cohabiting for years prior to getting married and are well beyond the honeymoon stage of your relationship. I'm only pointing this out to demonstrate how easy it is to make rationalizations that, in the end, do not provide you with any relief or conclusion.

 

Like others said, you're the one who will wake up to her everyday. You're the one that will grow old with her. You're the only one that truly knows if she is worthy of the gift of reconciliation.

 

IMO: The fact that it has been like pulling teeth to get just a trickle of the truth, and her indignation are the factors that carry the most weight. That s*** speaks volumes.

[usa1ah]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Bedding another is not a mistake, it's a deliberate action on her part. She willingly slept with her boss. This was no mistake. She just never thought she would get caught.

[BluesPower]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Brother, you need to understand some things...

 

First off, don't be afraid of divorce in any way. You your age, literally the world is your oyster. I have lived it and I know what I am talking about.

 

Second and most importantly, you need to get into focus what has actually been going on.

 

You wife has been having a physical affair with her boss for what, about a year, 6 months? I can assure you that they have been having wild monkey sex every single time that they could. Every time.

 

She does not love you, she does not want to lose you but she does not love or respect you in any way. Let me explain the difference.

 

Having an affair is one thing. But knowing that she was caught and lying to you so strongly, only means one thing. The affair at that time and probably now is still going on, even if "SHE GOT FIRED FROM HER JOB". Which by the way is what happened.

 

She would not confess, and wanted to protect her boyfriend over your marriage. These actions show that she "DOES NOT LOVE YOU IN ANY WAY". She wants her weak husband back and her lifestyle that that is all.

 

I will bet $100 that this is not her first affair, at all. And this affair has been going on longer than you expect. That is a promise.

 

Yes marriage vows are important, but she broke them, not you. You owe her nothing in any way.

 

Now listen to this. I spent 26 years taking care of a woman the never loved me, she had 2 affairs, was a hidden drug addict for 20 out of 26 years of marriage. I raised 3 children in misery because I loved her and I thought that she was "Sick".

 

She stole half of my life. I am 53. I am almost finished with my divorce. And I am happy as a clam.

 

You really need to understand the ramifications and the reality of what has been going on. And do not let other relatives sway your resolve in any way...

[Sparta]

OP dude we all understand it's hard but when someone is deliberately destroyed your marriage and you. When she supposed to love you and it's supposed to be the honeymoon phase of your relationship... You have to do what's right for you.

Also you should've did this along time ago the OM's wife needs to know do not let your wife know that you're doing this...!!! You're gonna look back for years from now. Wow how do I even put up with such betrayal for even two seconds of my life. What a complete waste of time that could be spent with someone that really will love you.