Wife's "affair" after one year married

[Overtaxed]

Overtaxed, I noticed a bit of a change. The tone and nature of your post seem to noticeable change this last month or so.

You are still early in the affair recovery process... unfortunately, in all likely hood it will get a lot worse for both of you before it gets better. Recovery with a wayward that has ended things and doing everything right generally is 2 to 5 years.

 

Unfortunately, Dobber80's wayward is still acting like an active wayward. Everything she is doing screams active wayward...

 

TJ below:

 

You mean from my normal harping in the WS forum to other women who are wondering if their AP loves them (he doesn't)?

 

Yeah, I know, we're early, and I'm not sure what change your noticing, but, if your asking how we're doing, it's "generally well" with some fits and starts.

 

But, back to the topic at hand (kind of). An active WS is impossible to deal with. Impossible. My wife broke it off immediately with the OM, she was still deep in a fog for months. Couldn't stop lying, couldn't stop shifting blame. All of it. And she hadn't spoken to the AP. If she had, I'm 100% convinced, this process would have drug on indefinitely (or until I D'ed her).

 

In many ways, dealing with an active WS is like trying to reason with a drunk who's had a 30 pack before dinner. It's just not going to happen. They are in "love", or the man is simply unable to imagine life without the sex from the WS AND their wives, going from 2 partners to 0 at d-day is unthinkable to many men.

 

QuietDan, if you'd like, please PM me, I'd love to see what shift your seeing in me, and would like to not jack this thread up worse than I already have.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Overtaxed, I had stopped responding on your thread long before you wound it up( or did you?) but the fact is that I never really could understand how and why you kept at trying to reconcile with your wife after her behaviour and attitude post your DDay. In every way you come across as a man of the world, successful, attractive to the opposite sex and with virtues any good woman would die for and yet you pursued your WW even when she was at her unwilling worst for reasons that I have'nt and probably will never comprehend. I guess you have your reasons and they may be excellent. However, your complete devotion to your wife in the face of her horrifying choices and her adamant attitude is beyond me. It is almost as if you were trying to save her from herself.

 

I guess for your sake I wish you have a smooth journey here on out. I am all for reconciliation if the WS puts in the required effort, is truly remorseful and has the necessary empathy for his/her spouse to help them heal from the tremendous hurt and pain they have caused them. Sadly, in your wife's case I didn't see that so I am wishing you all the luck going forward.

 

As far as Dobber is concerned, he has been given sterling advice on here. If he still chooses to reconcile with his wife he better be sure what he is signing up for. Warm wishes.

Edited June 10, 2017 by Just a Guy

[SummerDreams]

Dobber I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is my opinion as well that your wife cares more for her lifestyle and the opinion othershave about her rather than for you. Even a kid knows that if they make a mistake they need to truthfully apologize and do everything to show remorse and fix the mistake. Your wife knows how much you love her and she is taking advantage of it. She doesn't seem to be remorseful at all, making it all about her. If I were in her shows I would quit everything and stay close to my H day and night trying to make hi trust me and believe in me again. I wouldn't care about my job, my friends, my lifestyle, others' opinions of me. Your wife follows her mother's advise playing it cool until you ask her back.

 

In my opinion, even if she had no sex with this OM, the way she lied time and time again, the dismissive way she treated all of this like your feelings don't matter and you are overeacting, the way she is threatening to leave you, all these things would make me not want to be with this kind a person anymore. How would I go on in our lives when I would question everything they would say to me? "Honey I'm going out for coffee with my friend", "Honey I'm staying late at work", "Honey my phone was off cause the battery was broken". Really? Were you really or are you cheating on me again? I can't even imagine living in this environment. The best thing in a relationship is the blind trust. If this is gone, what remains?

 

I know the future seems hard at the moment cause it's the unknown but let me promise you, things will get better. Make the decision and divorce this woman, she is not who you thought she was anymore. The perfect relationship you thought you had, evem if once was there, not it's not anymore. Don't waste more time with this manipulative person. She has shown that she only cares for herself time and time again.

 

She will never admit she had sex with him cause she knows your opinion about this matter, that sex = divorce, so she spares you the extra hurt and humiliation.

 

Either way, you are better off without her. Your future awaits you.

[SydCar]

Dobber, you already have your answer - she has been ****ing him because she thought she could get away with it and he fed her ego and it was illicit and exciting. YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS!

 

Now you want her to admit it - why?

 

You also know that she is not marriage material! So don't even consider reconciling. You are lucky that she has shown you what she is this early in the marriage. With out any kids I would run as fast as I can.

 

AND DO THE RIGHT THING AND TELL THE POS BOSS' WIFE IMMEDIATELY! Do not hesitate.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, actually on reflection I am coming round to believe that Dobber's wife was having an affair with her boss even before she married Dobber. He didn't notice anything because he was in a fog himself at the time, the impending marriage fog. His wife had been at this job for a while before the marriage and the boss was probably aware she was getting married. It would have boosted his ego to steal her affection so to say from her future husband all the while knowing he could carry on regardless after the " Marriage" was solemnized.

 

The thing is that Dinner and his wife have been together for six years and they were living together at her patents place before buying their own place. In that time their relationship would have become stale as most marriages do especially if circumstances lead to routine ness and the two people become complacent. In such s case her boss's attention would have been flattering and she would have succumbed to them. From everything that Dinner has written about his wife's post DDay behaviour it is quite obvious that the relationship was physical and had been for sometime. A woman usually would not cheat on her husband during the honeymoon phase of her marriage unless a) She was already involved in an affair prior to the marriage orb) She is the worst kind of " Morals of a cat" woman who would sleep with anyone one at the drop of a hat. If what I have had to say is any where near the truth of the matter then I believe Dinner is in eben more hot water than he knows. Time to start protecting himself before he is had in the worst way possible. Warm wishes.

[Sparta]

In every bad situation there comes a point where hard decisions have to be made. You are reaching that point. You are either going to have to decide to believe your wife and continue the life you have had for the last 10 years or decide she is lying and you can't get by that and walk away from her. I see you are one of those that has to know every detail and I understand that. There are those that just can't let go and have to turn up and look under every rock. You believe that if she has done more than she said and she tells you then she believes you will leave her. You even said you would leave her. If I thought that my life would be destroyed if I told something then I, and probably you and a lot of other people, would hold out as long as possible. It is called survival and is a very powerful instinct. My wife had at least a 10 year on and off EA. I was gone a lot (US Army Special Forces) and during my deployments a civilian "friend", who was married with 2 children, decided he could fill my wife's emotional void. When I finally found out it stopped dead. Was it a PA also? I never ask because I didn't want to know. If I knew, and being the person I was at the time, I would have done him dire physical damage and maybe even a divorce. What brought us back together was the death of someone I dearly loved and the fact that my wife and I loved each other more than anything else. Like your wife, my wife said nothing physical ever happened between them. I chose to believe her because I knew something like that would never happen again. And it hasn't. For the last 35 years our marriage has been as close to ideal as a marriage can get. I trust her above everyone and there's not but about 5 people in the world I trust 100 per cent. You have a "gut feeling" that there is more and there very well could be. What is finding out more going to do to your life? Do you love her as much as you say or do you love her only if she never does anything to upset your world and infidelity can really upset a world. As I have said before, I had 2 careers in 45 years. Both were dangerous and violent and my gut feeling has saved my ass more than once. But also along the way I found out that sometimes my gut was wrong. Could yours be wrong? Sometimes a marriage can be like a piece of iron. A walk through the fire can make iron into steel and a really bad place in a marriage, stronger. She has done a lot to win you back. If you don't love her enough to accept her remorse and what she is doing to R, and you must have answers that she don't have or feels she can't give, then stop the hurt for both of you and walk away. If you do love her and you walk away, my "gut" says, in years to come you, you may wish you hadn't. I do wish you well.

 

Because she was at work on lunch break, while texting her mom at home. This is true. Her mom was asking how she's holding up, and if I've tried contacting her yet.

 

Day 2 since she left, and she hasn't contacted me at all, nor have I contacted her. I think her plan is to separate, and make me miss her and beg for her back. Her mom even said it.

 

My family knows, and her family knows. As well as some friends. Over the past hellish 5 months, she has done a lot to try and make things right. Number one being she quit her job, shes still kind and tries to do things to get back to normal again. She tries to plan things to do, but I just can't have any of it right now. Which in turn is frustrating her. She keeps saying if I can't love her again, then just let her go. But it's obviously much more complicated than that. She cooks for me, still cleans around the house. However, she won't do the poly and that speaks volumes. She says over and over "I quit my job for you".

 

She has also said if I tell the other guys wife, then it's over. It's not my business to tell her, it's his she says. She doesn't want word getting out at her former workplace about what she has done. She still has a lot of friends there.

 

But that's too bad, it's time for her to know I've put it off long enough.

 

First off buddy you're so afraid of her you don't come off of being a man. You've got that nice guy syndrome well how's that working for you. You're so afraid of your wife she picks up on this you need to tell the OMs wife now..! Standup be a man.! you should one with this tramp I'm telling you she's a piece of *****.! Why would you want anything to do with her. Do you think now that you work through (if you even get that far with her I doubt it) this she's going to be the good girl the rest of your life's come on.

It just amazes me how people come here for help and people give great advice but they ignore it and appear they know better. First of all you're thinking and your great ideas have along with your wife's great decisions to have sex with another man we can pretty much say put you in this position so I would try something else I would try something that suggested to me by people that are or have gone through the same exact thing so they pretty much know better. OP are you really truly believing they never had sex m.? come on buddy ask yourself this what would you do right.?! Adults don't just kiss they f**k.! They've had sex more times then your wife and you have had guys had. Sorry buddy but Face reality she's had sex your marriage is over call it quits and find someone that really loves you...

[OneLov]

A woman usually would not cheat on her husband during the honeymoon phase of her marriage unless a) She was already involved in an affair prior to the marriage orb) She is the worst kind of " Morals of a cat" woman who would sleep with anyone one at the drop of a hat.

 

I would think the same. However, I found this surprising.

 

No Cookies | Daily Telegraph

 

"While the statistics may seem brutal — after all, how many of us can imagine cheating on our new spouse so soon after tying the knot — it is surprisingly common,” Dr Anderson said.

 

The article reasoned that couples are cohabiting prior to marriage longer than previous generations, and therefore, well beyond the honeymoon stage by the time they actually tie the knot. I think this could be true for the OP's wife. She may have actually been nearing "the seven year itch" phase (if there is such a thing). But the research, supplied by Ashley Madison, is still surprising nonetheless.

[S2B]

You there Dobber?

 

What's your progress been the past few days?

 

I hope you're doing ok.

[WilyWill]

I agree with JustAGuy's assessment about the affair pre-existing the wedding. Here Dobber was on the happiest day of his life, having no idea that his wife's guest-of-honor boyfriend was silently ridiculing him. Admiring her body in the wedding gown, remembering what it was like to have that body. Makes it all the more sickening. And now her biggest priority? Protecting her lover at all costs. Can't get him in trouble with his wife, after all.

 

But here's what's unfolding at the inlaws house: They're asking her why she can't just take the polygraph to make Dobber happy. She gives excuses. Feels like a "criminal" and it's beneath her. The inlaws agree in spirit, but what's the big deal? Just show Dobber how wrong he is. But she cries and refuses. And the inlaws begin to doubt their precious daughter. She admitted kissing her boss... maybe it went further, they realize.

 

Please come back and let us know how you're doing, Dobber. This game ain't over yet. If there's any chance of reconciliation, this stuff has to be brought into the open right now. Otherwise it will fester and poison your marriage until 10 years from now when you can't take it anymore. Settle the account NOW, not later. Otherwise you'll end up divorced, having wasted 10 years of your life on a pretend marriage.

Edited June 12, 2017 by WilyWill

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, One Loy's post and the link to the article while relevant still do not address the fundamental issue. If a person has character and integrity then the question of cheating seven months into a new marriage or, say, a hundred years, does not arise. However, if these essential qualities are missing ( Read "Morals of a cat") then anything is possible. The other thing is that a) A very liberal environment, b) Devaluation of the sanctity of sex within a relationship, c) The very favourable attitude of the law towards women in the Western world where infidelity is concerned, d) The very shallow and materialistic relationships that are becoming more and more common and lastly the empowerment of women especially their ability to gain entry into the workforce and earn respectable salaries has all led to the rise of infidelity. I think one needs to keep some of this in mind. Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

In case you are still reading your post there is one more thing I have been wanting to say for a while. She didn't quit her job with all those benefits because she wanted to save her marriage, she quit because of her argument with a supervisor. My guess is their special relationship with the boss has been discovered and O/M didn't give her any other option, quit or he would have her fired. Have you exposed the affair to his wife yet? Have you brought up the polygraph?

[WilyWill]

In case you are still reading your post there is one more thing I have been wanting to say for a while. She didn't quit her job with all those benefits because she wanted to save her marriage, she quit because of her argument with a supervisor. My guess is their special relationship with the boss has been discovered and O/M didn't give her any other option, quit or he would have her fired. Have you exposed the affair to his wife yet? Have you brought up the polygraph?

 

I think the "argument with a female supervisor" was actually and argument with her boss/boyfriend when she realized that he wasn't taking the relationship as seriously as she was. Dobber did bring up the polygraph and was gaslighted into believing he was "crazy" for requesting it, by both her and her mother. Now he's expected to prove his love by reaching out to her while she ghosts him. Sigh... the chutzpah.

 

You sleep with another man, invite that man to your wedding, and your husband just can't get over it. She finds that unreasonable.

 

I hope Dobber comes back.

[Dobber80]

Been trying to keep busy with friends, and getting out of this house as much as possible. Kinda depressing, staying here alone in the house I proposed to her in.

 

She came home Saturday night, while I was at work. I noticed the hose was out, she must have watered her flowers. She also left me a note on the counter saying "I love you with all my heart, and miss you so much". She also sent me a text last night, again, saying she loved me. I didn't respond.

 

For those saying the affair went on during my wedding, I think is highly unlikely. When I discovered all of their text messages, I read as far back as the wedding a year prior, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. Things got suspicious about a month before the Christmas party in November, which was a year and a bit after our wedding. You can tell the messaging picked up, started off flirty, then sexual joking, then indicating something happening.

 

I am telling his wife on my next day off. I have the messages printed off already. My concern is whether or not she will believe what I'm telling her.

 

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

Edited June 13, 2017 by Dobber80

[Zona]

Been trying to keep busy with friends, and getting out of this house as much as possible. Kinda depressing, staying here alone in the house I proposed to her in.

 

She came home Saturday night, while I was at work. I noticed the hose was out, she must have watered her flowers. She also left me a note on the counter saying "I love you with all my heart, and miss you so much". She also sent me a text last night, again, saying she loved me. I didn't respond.

 

For those saying the affair went on during my wedding, I think is highly unlikely. When I discovered all of their text messages, I read as far back as the wedding a year prior, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. Things got suspicious about a month before the Christmas party in November, which was a year and a bit after our wedding. You can tell the messaging picked up, started off flirty, then sexual joking, then indicating something happening.

 

I am telling his wife on my next day off. I have the messages printed off already. My concern is whether or not she will believe what I'm telling her.

 

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

 

Congrats on staying the course. No woman respects a man that they can walk all over, and by staying strong, she will gain respect for you and realize you are calling the shots in regards to the affair and any potential reconciliation, as it has to be.

 

Telling the OM's wife will break things wide open, which needs to be done since she still has not confessed to the obvious. You literally have a mountain of evidence, so unless she is a fool, she will see the truth.

 

It's fantastic that she blinked first.

 

Good luck and warm wishes.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Zona

[BTDT2012]

Been trying to keep busy with friends, and getting out of this house as much as possible. Kinda depressing, staying here alone in the house I proposed to her in.

 

She came home Saturday night, while I was at work. I noticed the hose was out, she must have watered her flowers. She also left me a note on the counter saying "I love you with all my heart, and miss you so much". She also sent me a text last night, again, saying she loved me. I didn't respond.

 

For those saying the affair went on during my wedding, I think is highly unlikely. When I discovered all of their text messages, I read as far back as the wedding a year prior, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. Things got suspicious about a month before the Christmas party in November, which was a year and a bit after our wedding. You can tell the messaging picked up, started off flirty, then sexual joking, then indicating something happening.

 

I am telling his wife on my next day off. I have the messages printed off already. My concern is whether or not she will believe what I'm telling her.

 

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

 

Why would you lose your house? And 37 is young. Don't even worry about whether the OBS believes you.

[WilyWill]

You're handling this very well, Dobber. But a woman who loved you with all her heart would make a full confession and would certainly be willing to take a polygraph. Judge her by her actions only, not by her words.

 

Try to be as gentle and friendly with OM's wife as possible. You two need to remain allies, sharing every bit of information with each other as you each learn new details from your respective spouses. OM will try to paint you as an insanely possessive spouse--make sure you present yourself to his wife as the rational cool-headed person that you are.

 

By now, OM and your wife have been in contact and gotten their stories aligned. After you've established a good relationship with his wife, suggest to her that she have him polygraphed.

[reboot]

But a woman who loved you with all her heart would make a full confession and would certainly be willing to take a polygraph. Judge her by her actions only, not by her words.

 

Uhmmmm... a woman who loved you with all her heart wouldn't have cheated in the first place. JMO.

[HereNorThere]

My biggest fear is obviously starting over at 37. And having the mindset of who's gonna want a divorced guy at 37. Losing everything, especially my house. (Houses prices have skyrocketed in my area, to the point I couldn't even afford another) Losing all the memories and good times, its just a damn shame. I can literally still smell the sands on the beach from our honeymoon. FML

 

 

I'm almost exact the same age and I can assure you, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

 

Seriously, I thought my life was over at 30. Oh man, I couldn't have been more wrong. It's most like every year since then, I've had more fun and better luck dating than the previous year. The dating dynamics drastically change in your 30s. The playing field definitely levels out.

 

I seriously wouldn't even want to go back to the unequal dating dynamics of my 20s. I'd take my 27 year old lumbar spine, but that's about it. Every single other aspect has been way better. I'd read things about how a male's 30s are the prime of his life, but I didn't really believe it. Now I can say, those dudes were exactly right.

 

If you've been out of the game for a while, start working on self improvement. Hit the gym, diet, get better clothes, and start talking to your male friends that are good with women. Maybe get some books on dating, self improvement, etc.

 

And great going so far! We told you that sticking to your guns would work. She's folding and it won't be long until she throws herself at your mercy. Be prepared for a level of guilt and lovebombing like you've never seen before. She will pull every emotional manipulation tactic there is. Be careful because you have no idea how far she's willing to take it.

[Dobber80]

Why would you lose your house? And 37 is young. Don't even worry about whether the OBS believes you.

 

Because divorce usually ends in selling the house. I certainly couldn't afford to buy her out, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to stay here in the house we built together, proposed to etc. That just messes with your head.

[aliveagain]

Good decision telling his wife, the sooner the better. Don't tell your wife your plans, see if she calls you with the knowledge that you did. See if she gets the info from O/M. Trust me your young, you have a lot of life to live.

[BTDT2012]

Because divorce usually ends in selling the house. I certainly couldn't afford to buy her out, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to stay here in the house we built together, proposed to etc. That just messes with your head.

 

Talk to an attorney. She may feel guilty enough to let you have it. The you can sell it and get another one. I hope you have encouraged her to get another job.

[Dobber80]

And great going so far! We told you that sticking to your guns would work. She's folding and it won't be long until she throws herself at your mercy. Be prepared for a level of guilt and lovebombing like you've never seen before. She will pull every emotional manipulation tactic there is. Be careful because you have no idea how far she's willing to take it.

 

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Dobber80

[HereNorThere]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

Trust me, man. I totally get it. I'm sorry you're going through that. What's even worse is that this could easily be remedied by her if she wanted it. You have to keep that mind. She is the one responsible for this, not you. And while it may be scary to think about leaving, you are a perfectly capable adult who deserves love, respect and loyalty. You deserve more than the situation she has put you in.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Your sister can't know whether it's forgivable or not because no has the full story. Your sister doesn't have to sleep next to this monster every night while she's torture's her. And no, it wouldn't be easier if you were married 25 years. That's 25 years more down the drain. 25 years of memories and experiences together.

 

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

First off, they say file for a divorce, not divorce her. We're telling you she needs to think you're willing to do it. As long as she knows you're not, she has zero incentive to tell you the truth. To save this marriage, you absolutely have to be willing to lose this marriage.

 

Vows are just words, bro. They're worth about as much as you paid for them. The true test is your loyalty each other. You have kept up your end of the bargain and she hasn't. She could end every single bit of this today and she chooses not to. She has lied every single step of the way and gaslight you for months. She's watched you go to the doctor and take addictive medication for a psychiatric disorder SHE GAVE YOU. Think about that for a second. Could you find it in yourself to TORTURE her for months? Could you live with the guilt? Cause guess what, she could! She's watched you turn into a shell of you former self. And when there's nothing left you, she will let the vultures pick apart your lifeless corpse.

 

This is on her, man. All you want is the the truth. You saw the messages and you know she is lying. If she's wants to save the marriage soooo bad, she'll tell you the truth. If she cares about her boyfriend more, she'll continue feeding you poison while you watch a slow death... If.you.let.her.

 

Stay strong and keep posting if it helps. We're all rooting for you. I think broke the refresh button this weekend waiting for you to come back. We're gonna make a success story out of you, Dobber80. I just know it!

[BTDT2012]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life.

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Unless your wife is willing to accept full responsibility for her choices, you have nothing to work with. She broke the marriage covenant, not you. I know what it feels like to be blindsided. You can certainly try to work things out, but your relationship will never be the same. Only you can choose what is right for you. The rest of us are commenting based on our own experiences.

[Marc878]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

You're only 37 and married for only a year.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Blood is thicker than water. She's looking out for her sister not you.

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

 

Nope, adultery isn't acceptable

 

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

If it were me and I were wanting to see if there were a future it would be after the divorce. Cheating in the first year is a poor gamble. Not to mention not telling you the truth.

 

However, this is your life