Wife's "affair" after one year married

[HereNorThere]

This guy is a conniving piece of ****, and given he and my wife did conspire about the messages to me in the beginning (Saying the texts were referring to "massages"

 

She's not the first trickle truthing cheater to claim "massages."

 

[Zona]

Dobber,

 

I think there is one flaw in your approach. You have set up your wife in a lose-lose situation.

 

Let me explain; you know she had sex, she knows she had sex, so that is not the issue, the issue is that she won't admit it.

 

You have said that you will divorce her if she had sex with him (which you know she did). You also said that you will leave her if she doesn't take the poly, which will prove she did. There is no way out for her.

 

I would soften the idea of divorcing her if she admits to sex. Tell her that if she is honest and admits to it, you will reconsider your feelings and options, and you can start talking about it from a foundation of honesty. No 100% threat of divorce if she tells the truth.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Zona

[HereNorThere]

I was thinking this earlier as well. She has to have some sort of incentive because she's selfish. Even if you don't mean it, she still has to think you'd give her a shot if she comes clean. Zona is right on the money with is observation.

[WilyWill]

Your wife is a committed liar. How maddening that she thinks you're neglecting her by leaning on friends for support. What was it called when she was having sex with her boss instead of spending time with you?

 

As much as I'd like to disagree with Zona--because the approach seems a little dishonest--I feel you have the right to be dishonest after what you've been through. Tell her you will consider reconciliation if she is honest about the number of times they had sex and the specific sex acts they performed. Tell her the door is not closed, but you want the marriage to be an honest one from this point forward. Then when she confesses, you can make up your mind.

[Marc878]

It was never a mistake it was a decision she made that put you where you are.

 

You're still in limbo because you want to believe the unbelievable.

 

Staying in denial keeps you stuck.

[JS84]

Personally I think you need to stop giving ultimatums and making threats and have her served with divorce papers (doesn't mean you can't cancel it later if your wife pulls her head out of her ass but I doubt she will in this case). She knows what you require and has refused several times now.

 

If you're going to tell the OM wife do not tell your wife you are doing so or have done so.

[kgcolonel]

Dobber,

 

I think there is one flaw in your approach. You have set up your wife in a lose-lose situation.

 

Let me explain; you know she had sex, she knows she had sex, so that is not the issue, the issue is that she won't admit it.

 

You have said that you will divorce her if she had sex with him (which you know she did). You also said that you will leave her if she doesn't take the poly, which will prove she did. There is no way out for her.

 

I would soften the idea of divorcing her if she admits to sex. Tell her that if she is honest and admits to it, you will reconsider your feelings and options, and you can start talking about it from a foundation of honesty. No 100% threat of divorce if she tells the truth.

 

 

One additional incentive....tell her you may not disclose her behavior to the world if she comes clean. If this makes her confess she's now convicted herself of valuing the protection of the OM over saving the M.

[usa1ah]

I realize the fear of starting over at my age is a stupid way of thinking, I get it... but when your down and out, and feeling depressed it's hard to snap out of it...

 

So she came home unexpectedly yesterday to grab something. We started talking, and I basically told her this separation is pointless. She agreed, and said we are just prolonging the inevitable. I told her she can make all of this go away by just taking the damn polygraph, and again she refused. She says she refuses to be treated like a criminal, refuses to be interrogated and reminded every day of what she did. Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake. She reminded me again that she quit her job for me, has apologized over and over, and regrets what she did, yet it's still not good enough for me. She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake.

 

She's upset that I'm able to go out with a friend for a beer and wings, yet I won't do anything with her... sooo basically its my fault for not trying to make things work. I'm the bad guy for neglecting her, not showing her affection, and not bringing myself to go out for dinner with her as of late. She's frustrated, tired, and wants her old life back, and if I cant love her the same, or look at her the same, she's telling me to let her go..

 

I told her all she has to do is prove it to me for god sakes. She can ease my mind, and prove she's telling me the truth and then we can start building off of that! Nope, she ain't having any of it. I said fine, you gave me the answer I need and we should start thinking about going separate ways. She was in tears, and said fine, do whatever I have to do she doesn't care anymore.

 

So either A) she's willing to let everything burn to the ground to save her reputation, or B) she's telling the truth and there isn't anything left to tell me. My gut is going with A as much as I don't want to believe it...

 

Before she left I told her I was serious, and this can't go on any longer. We're both dying slowly and wasting time. She started crying again, then pleaded for me not to leave her, and that she wants to be with me forever, and again swore there's nothing more to tell me.

 

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

 

She would that the poly to save the marriage and prove her truth if she wanted to save it.

 

Her refusal says that the marriage is not worth the effort.

 

Have you informed the OM's wife yet?

[HereNorThere]

Yup, really lay it on thick. Tell her you talked to a therapist and he gave you some books to help get over the physical aspects. Show her articles and things where people moved on. You don't want to know about the relationship, just whether she will get std tested, etc. No polygraph, just how many times and whether it was protected because you're worried about your health. Tell her you were wrong too because because "you weren't giving her want she needed" (GAG) and you want to work together with her to make things better. Make her promise that if she admits, she never tells any friends or family because you don't want them hurting your reconciliation, embarrassing you guys, or hurting your careers. You want to delete the evidence and move forward. Sex is just sex, you guys have love.

 

Beat her at her own game. Help her minimize at first. "I know it was a mistake, etc. She's only lying to protect you. You know that she does it all out of love. She was taken advantage of." stuff like that. Ugh, sickening.

Edited June 15, 2017 by HereNorThere

[QuietDan]

Without trust and honesty there isn't much of a real relationship happening. What sort of long-term relationship will be developed without it.

The trust has been broken.

Whether she had sex or didn't have sex....can you truly trust or believe her about it?

If she did, maybe you can get over it, maybe you can't....a lot of male Betrayed Spouses seem to find a way to live with it and move forward in the relationship with that knowledge. You won't know for sure one way or the other until you make it through the fire.

One thing is for certain. Loss in trust is what kills the relationship in the short term or long run. Usually, it is a matter of when not if when trust, hope, belief fade and die.

If the relationship gets healthy, it is remarkable thing to see grace, love, hope, forgiveness in action.

In many ways, the polygraph is her easy way out to help to restore that and begin the recovery process for both of you.

The most effective way for her to do this would be to confess to everything and hold nothing back. Then to go take the polygraph. With that, maybe there is a future maybe not. Without it, well, it sounds the it is going to be over and done with sooner or later for one reason or another. There won't be much of a real relationship to work through life problems in the future when they happen.

[QuietDan]

From now on out, if she gets pregnant in the future. You will be wondering if someone else is the father. Will she be with you in two years , invest the time, energy, resources, buy the paint color s she likes... Then she falls in love with some other stud she is cheating with and leaves you. What sort of emotional investment can you make in this relationship? One foot in one foot out....

[Friskyone4u]

You're getting some crappy advice my friend. She does not know for SURE that you will do anything certain if she tells the truth . What she does know for sure is that it's going to be a hell of a lot more uncertain if she confesses and she is so selfish , spurred on by her mother , that she is or has been convinced that she can intimidate you into not exposing and rugsweeping it .

You can bet your 401k she had see with him, most likely multiple times, and you only have the tip of the iceberg. Her mother knows that too .

You have now drawn a line in the sand and you need to file for divorce which you can stop at any time. Think of your options she is demanding

(1) no transparency demanding her privacy

(2) no exposure

(3) you sucking it up and calling it a mistake m

She has a SURE as hell way to save her marriage if she is telling the truth. And she chooses to let you divorce her instead . So why do you want to try to soothe her and play games with her . Nonsense

Believe me. When she realizes you are not buying what she is selling if she is not lying her ass off she will take the test

[lolablue17]

For you it's all new! But after knowing + reading thousands of stories, it's embarrassing to say: She is so so unoriginal with her excuses and actions...

 

EVERYTHING she says, are quotes from the cheaters book. Her reluctance to poly, her blame shifting, her saying that she is not a prisoner so you can't force her, her saying why do you make such a big deal out of minor single mistake, her telling you that she doesn't care to married to you and minutes after begging and pleading she want to stay with you for ever...

 

 

All these are so familiar. I think you're doing remarkable. Have her file as soon as you can. And after you file tell her that you're heading telling his wife. Tell her that she is not your wife anymore, she is definitely not your love, so she has no say about the things you're doing. BTW, maybe OM will confess (or take a poly), so you'll have the truth from her.

Edited June 15, 2017 by lolablue17

[reboot]

Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake.

 

She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake.

 

Classic cheater BS. Like she tripped on the rug and fell on his penis. A mistake is transposing two numbers on your tax return.

[Zona]

 

As much as I'd like to disagree with Zona--because the approach seems a little dishonest--I feel you have the right to be dishonest after what you've been through.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting he be dishonest. Just have an open mind and see how her finally admitting to having sex with her sleazy boss behind his back affects him before he makes any final decision about D.

 

The main mistake I think he made was not telling the OM's wife IMMEDIATELY. He could have saved himself a ton of BS.

[HereNorThere]

Oh, just so we're clear - I'm suggesting you that you be dishonest.

[SummerDreams]

I don't think that her not admitting the truth of whether she had sex with the OM or not is the main problem anymore; I think her not wanting to make sacrifices to save this marriage and not being able to face the true length and consequences of her actions is what matters more. I say it again, if I were in her shoes I'd leave EVERYTHING & EVERYONE behind and focus wholeheartedly on helping my H understand what I did, admit my actions, try to ease his mind in every way I could, try to save my marriage. I would certainly not care about being seen as a criminal (what????) or expose the affair to the OM's wife or whatever other people would think of me. I would be a person having done something bad and I would be ready to humiliate myself in order to save my marriage.

 

OP your wife is treating this like it was a minor thing like breaking the car or destroying your favorite sweaterin the washing machine. She has not realized she disrespected her favorite person in the world, her H, she humilated him, she betrayed him. In her eyes all this was a "oh snap" moment that is forgiven by her so it should be forgiven and forgotten by you as well.

 

This is not right. You know it deep inside you and I'm proud of you for realizing it and choosing to love yourself at this moment.

[Friskyone4u]

I don't think that her not admitting the truth of whether she had sex with the OM or not is the main problem anymore; I think her not wanting to make sacrifices to save this marriage and not being able to face the true length and consequences of her actions is what matters more. I say it again, if I were in her shoes I'd leave EVERYTHING & EVERYONE behind and focus wholeheartedly on helping my H understand what I did, admit my actions, try to ease his mind in every way I could, try to save my marriage. I would certainly not care about being seen as a criminal (what????) or expose the affair to the OM's wife or whatever other people would think of me. I would be a person having done something bad and I would be ready to humiliate myself in order to save my marriage.

 

OP your wife is treating this like it was a minor thing like breaking the car or destroying your favorite sweaterin the washing machine. She has not realized she disrespected her favorite person in the world, her H, she humilated him, she betrayed him. In her eyes all this was a "oh snap" moment that is forgiven by her so it should be forgiven and forgotten by you as well.

 

This is not right. You know it deep inside you and I'm proud of you for realizing it and choosing to love yourself at this moment.

 

 

OP, read that again. You already know she made this "mistake" more than once so that disqualifies it as a mistake.

if you had time, and I do not recommend you take time, you will find that WW resist NC, transparency, and look at any accountability as "punishment" or "controlling" are not remorseful in the least and have a much higher percentage of either cheating again or restarting the affair.

 

Your wife is simply sorry she got caught, sorry it is invading her ability to manipulate you, and you have no chance to reconcile with her attitude. Your efforts would be one sided

[HereNorThere]

Just signed some paper work that made me think of you, OP.

 

I work in I.T. and have access to sensitive data that's worth millions of dollars if it fell into the wrong hands. (Seriously, there's a few people here who know me IRL. I'm not being hyperbolic.) To maintain my access, I have periodic background checks. I had to undergo a pre-employment polygraph and now I just signed over my rights (again) to be subjected to another one. They aren't actually making me take one, they just want me to know they reserve the right to poly, random drug screen, look at my financial records and sadly, medical records as well if they need to.

 

Do I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal? Nope, not at all. I appreciate the fact that they think of worthy enough to be given a shot. This job provides so much to my life. It's very stable, the pay is good, benefits, 4 weeks a year paid vacation plus sick time. I've vested around 80,000 USD in my 401k already, have zero debt, car paid off, etc. Life is good.

 

So do I like having to sign over my life? No, not really. I'm a private person and hate giving them the access they need. To me, it's just worth it. If I can take a polygraph for a job, surely she can take one to save herself from a divorce. That's all I'm saying. Sometimes in life you have to do something you don't really agree with because it's worth it.

 

And for the record, the poly is no freaking big deal. It's not like the movies at all. You walk in, they ask a few question, you wait, they come back and ask a couple of them again, you're done. They are very professional and there's no accusations or deep interrogation.

[DKT3]

I agree with everyone about the poly...the thing is, she will take it if she feels it's her only option. Right now she is doing what she has likely done the entire relationship, being an emotional bully. I guessing she has been very successful at it. She figures soon enough he will cave on his demand and then they can continue on like the affair never happened.

 

Once OP gets it in her head that it's the ONLY option she will take it. Or he will at least get more information just enough to back him off. Either way don't give in on this, doing so will almost guarantee the same behavior moving forward with her.

[Marc878]

Too much talk no action. That's why you're getting nowhere.

 

This happens all to often.

 

Exposure to other mans wife with no warning.

 

Or continue to wallow in this

[kgcolonel]

I agree with Marc....with the exposure, comes stress on the relationship with your STBX and the OM.....where is she going to go without him....that being said, this also may make you the fallback.

 

I'd go ahead and expose were it me though. Funny how light causes the dark behaviors to go away. It will also protect your reputation in the community or social network.

[Chaparral]

The next time you talk to her, tell her to talk to her friends and ask them what they would think was going on if they French kissed their boss shortly after they were married.

Is it even remotely possible that the person passionately kissing their boss was actually in love with their spouse. Then ask her if they met up late at new gut in a parking lot does that show how much they love their spouse.

Not

Only has your wife been having an affair, she is wanting to stay married with you for reasons other than love. She didn't want to start a family because she was gambling on her boss coming around. He cost her a good job, why on earth would she still be trying to protect him over you?

 

Because that's what cheater's do, that's why.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dinner, you've been given a lot of good advice but it seems you are not in the mood to accept it. You have two choices ahead of you. The first is to initiate divorce proceedings and move on with your life. The second is to reconcile with your wife, sweep everything under the carpet and pretend everything is hunky dory till the next time your wife cheats. You can then sweep again and repeat and keep doing this until she decides she's had enough of you and leaves for some one else to make a fool of. There is no third choice. Take your pick. Warm wishes.

[drifter777]

Looks like OP is gone.