Can you pursue a second chance ?

[Nedmed]

I'd like to start by saying that finding this forum had made things a lot more tolerable through this breakup. Thank you all for being so supportive.

 

I posted about my experience a couple of times already, but now the picture is a bit more clearer so I am seeking more advice.

 

Here is the main story :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620254-post-break-up-aftermath-need-some

This was a few weeks into the break up:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620254-post-break-up-aftermath-need-some

 

Summary : We met at our medical training program. We work together and live in the same building. She was my first ever LTR. We were madly in love. spoke of marriage and life together. Things were amazing. We started having trouble roughly 1 year in. I began to sense that she was more and more distant, which upset me. I handled it badly though. I continued to feel taken for granted , with her putting minimal effort. After 6 months of decline in the relationship, I finally decide to cut things off and break up.

 

First we hardly spoke for 1-1.5 weeks. Then for roughly 4-5 weeks after that we spoke daily, met frequently with lots of emotions ( hand holding etc ) and discussions of what went wrong. I told her that I feel that we should continue to talk more to see if we could try and recover and rekindle things. She was apprehensive but appeared to be in agreement. She instead withdrew for roughly 2 more weeks. We met maybe once during that withdrawal and she was sweet and we continued to have emotional hugs and hand holding. She however said nothing regarding what our future holds. I reached out a couple of times saying that I feel that i made a mistake and would want us to talk and try and see if we have a chance.

 

During those 2 weeks , she was less responsive , more withdrawn. She even took down our pictures from Facebook. I started to assume that it's done. Despite my strong desire to rekindle.

 

We had a workplace party, we were both there. We exchange pleasantries but I could sense she was conflicted , and I was too, so we spent most of the party socializing with others. A co-worker who I didn't know very well starts to flirt and hit on me. I was weak and enjoyed it. After all, I am single for almost 2 months now. I went along and flirted back, there was even some brief drunk hand holding.

I notice my Ex seeing us and looking upset. I end the conversation and approach my ex. She was hurt. She said it was disrespectful to be so forward with another woman in front of our mutual friends after our breakup.

She made a good point, but I didnt think it was fair that she is trying to make me feel guilty for something like this. I did however sense that she is not as "done" with us as I thought.

I escort her home and we spoke on the way. Apologized for my behavior and told her that I've been waiting on her response and that I still want to reconcile.

 

A few days later we speak on the phone. She tells me that she doesn't think we should try and talk. We speak for almost 2 hours. We ended up talking ore about our break up. I told her that I broke up because she made me feel like I am not the person she wanted to be with. I told her that I realize I didn't convey my needs to her in a mature way and that I behaved childishly. She seemed very open to talk about what went wrong, contradicting her statement.

 

Its been a week now. We exchanged a few texts and a phone call that lasted almost an hour ( just friendly chat )

 

My gut is telling me she is hurting and putting up a shield to avoid more pain. And that she isn't truly convinced of the decision she gave me. I think she was taking time to consider things fully and my behavior at the party made her prematurely decide.

 

I really want to try things again with her. I have spent every waking moment since our breakup regretting my decision and thinking of my mistakes during the relationship.

 

I am wondering if anyone else reading my story thinks I have a chance. If so, how do I approach her ? I am scared of waiting for time to pass as the thought of her moving on terrifies me. I feel like I should act while there are still emotions that she can respond to.

 

I want to write her a letter or show up to her door with flowers. She always loved this cliche things.

 

At the same time, don't want to pressure her if she needs time. I also don't want to be the one who is always trying to fix things as that was a pattern in our relationship.

 

I am sad ,torn and conflicted. Any input is appreciated.

[Ronnys93]

She said it was disrespectful to be so forward with another woman in front of our mutual friends after our breakup.

 

Lol no. You were doing your thing having a good time and she was jealous because she saw you with another woman having a good time. Don't let anyone guilt trip you like that. At that very moment you were single. She likely IS hurting and putting up walls because she still has feelings for you. Of course, you're going to have to go slowly with that. As you are the one who did break up with her, you do have that opportunity to try and make things right here.

 

My question for you though, is if you felt that she was pulling back from the relationship, what makes you think she wont do it again? What issues were causing the pullback? Reading the other thread, it looks like she wasn't even all that emotionally invested in the relationship. Why would you risk going through that again? Be honest here with yourself.

[Nedmed]

My question for you though, is if you felt that she was pulling back from the relationship, what makes you think she wont do it again? What issues were causing the pullback? Reading the other thread, it looks like she wasn't even all that emotionally invested in the relationship. Why would you risk going through that again? Be honest here with yourself.

 

Her behavior and our talks after the break up showed me that She wasn't really withdrawing from the relationshipp. She was overwhelmed as we were in a very demanding time in our training. She did however indeed put me on the back burner and didn't not prioritize me. Which made me feel neglected and taken for granted. I on the other hand did a terrible job expressing my needs and not surprisingly she didn't respond well.

 

The REAL question is : what makes me think her bahvior will change once we communicate effectively ? I don't . But she remains everything I want in a partner and I feel that it's worth the try

Edited June 8, 2017 by Nedmed

[Ronnys93]

Her behavior and our talks after the break up showed me that She wasn't really withdrawing from the relationshipp. She was overwhelmed as we were in a very demanding time in our training. She did however indeed put me on the back burner and didn't not prioritize me. Which made me feel neglected and taken for granted. I on the other hand did a terrible job expressing my needs and not surprisingly she didn't respond well.

 

The REAL question is : what makes me think her bahvior will change once we communicate effectively ? I don't . But she remains everything I want in a partner and I feel that it's worth the try

 

Well if you feel it's worth the try introduce it slowly!

[Nedmed]

I guess I am not sure how to proceed. I am trying to maintain a presence in her life , which is not hard since we work in the same place w and live in the same building. But I am worried about mistaking friendly behavior for feelings.

 

I am obviously still really into her, would go as far as saying still in love with her. But I can't tell where she stands. Since the last conversation where she told me that we shouldn't try and reconcile , we texted back and forth, we even spoke on the phone and in person a few times. There was lots of chemistry still but I can't tell if She feels anything similar to what I feel.

 

I know there is no way set it stone , but in my case , How do I go slow without being friend zoned ? How do I slowly reintroduce the aspect of romance and she if she responds ?

[Ronnys93]

I guess I am not sure how to proceed. I am trying to maintain a presence in her life , which is not hard since we work in the same place w and live in the same building. But I am worried about mistaking friendly behavior for feelings.

 

I am obviously still really into her, would go as far as saying still in love with her. But I can't tell where she stands. Since the last conversation where she told me that we shouldn't try and reconcile , we texted back and forth, we even spoke on the phone and in person a few times. There was lots of chemistry still but I can't tell if She feels anything similar to what I feel.

 

I know there is no way set it stone , but in my case , How do I go slow without being friend zoned ? How do I slowly reintroduce the aspect of romance and she if she responds ?

 

Try talking about why the relationship ended, be honest, come clean, and let her know that you understand how she felt when she was "withdrawing". Then hear her out, and see where it goes from there.

[Nedmed]

A bit of an update.

 

I realized I made a typo in my original post. the second post i made a few weeks into the break up is actually :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/623985-feeling-more-lost-than-before

 

In retrospect, I probably should have continued it all in one thread.

 

Since my last post, I sense that she is slowly weaning herself from me. Our texting isn't as often, She doesn't reach out to me as often. It's clear to me that she is trying to withdraw.

 

I am trying to get myself to get over the whole thing. Afterall she was honest with her opinion that we shouldn't reconcile.

 

The hard part is that when we DO interact, it's still quiet wonderful. When we do talk on the phone, the calls last a while, we talk, we laugh and maybe even flirt a bit. The few times I saw her in person, there is some hand contact that lingers. We still stare at each other eyes.

 

As such, it's been difficult to just let go and move on. I Can't tell if my mind is playing tricks on me and I am only imaging her behavior because that's what I want to see. She may just be being friendly to avoid losing a friend, and that my emotions are portraying in differently ...

 

I feel, as I said before, that I really would like to have another last try at getting her back. I don't , however, know how to approach it. She isn't giving me an opportunity to organically bring up the break up, and it feels too soon to try and ask her out and try to start fresh. I keep thinking of a grand gesture, she always was a sucker for those. Maybe a well written letter ? has that worked for anyone before ?

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[SapperGB]

this needs to move very slowly and you will have to work hard as its evident she has put up the walls.

 

I am in a similar situation with my Ex blowing hot and cold, we have been for the whole month. She has now initiated "no further contact" but that, i believe was due to my over-eagerness to repair the damage i did in the relationship. Up until a week ago, it was clear to me that she didnt really want to break up but i had abused her trust.

Trust has to be earned and i was doing everything i could to convince her that i would regain it with my actions.

 

what i needed to do was make a sincere apology (i did and she accepted it was a heartfelt and honest apology) but then walk away to allow her to get her head straight.

 

The reason i say walk away for a while is because everything was too raw. we would start talking in a friendly manner (messaging) but then i would once again be saying things like "i hope you believe what ive told you what happened and why". saying that would just raise questions from her which i would respond to. Her head being all over the place meant she couldnt comprehend the answers and they appeared to be more of an excuse to her.

 

So, I would say, a letter, yes. A letter can be read multiple times whereas the spoken word, once heard is gone.

Tell her what you want and apologise sincerely.....

 

then leave her be for a couple of weeks, allow her to think. do NOT do what i did and persist/pester her.

[mon.]

A co-worker who I didn't know very well starts to flirt and hit on me. I was weak and enjoyed it. After all, I am single for almost 2 months now. I went along and flirted back, there was even some brief drunk hand holding.

I notice my Ex seeing us and looking upset. I end the conversation and approach my ex. She was hurt. She said it was disrespectful to be so forward with another woman in front of our mutual friends after our breakup.

She made a good point, but I didnt think it was fair that she is trying to make me feel guilty for something like this. I did however sense that she is not as "done" with us as I thought.

I escort her home and we spoke on the way. Apologized for my behavior and told her that I've been waiting on her response and that I still want to reconcile.

 

Ross & Rachel: "We were on a break"

 

I'm sorry, but the similarities are everywhere! hehehe They end up together, though

 

Just give her some space for now. Let her be. If you feel you've conveyed all you've been wanting to tell her about how you feel and why you broke up, let her diggest it now. It takes a long time for some people.

[Ahurtgirl]

My advice to HER would be to never go back to what hurt her. You broke up with her for a reason. Let her go find someone who won't want her to change and will love her for exactly who she is! There is someone out there waiting to meet her who will love her communication style and everything else about her. You hurt her... let her go and heal so when Mr. Right comes along, she can be ready to be loved by a guy who will love her and all her perfect imperfections.