Ready to cut out abusive mother forever

[FluffyThings]

I hope this isn't too long! I'm a 22 year old female, at my wits' end with my emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive mother.

 

I was living away from home for almost 5 years, and moved back in December after my long-term relationship ended, so I could finish my last semester of university, save up some money, and live on my own. This would be easy were it not for my pyscho mother. I've been constantly miserable since living here. I have never been allowed a lock on my door, I have a curfew at almost 23, my mother insists that she have a say in who I sleep with and when, I am not allowed to take trips or stay overnight anywhere, or drink. She has told me since I was 18 that I deserve to be treated like a child. I spend a lot of time with an ex at his house just so I don't have to be here because it's so toxic.

 

My mother has issues, but no one quite knows what they are. Some people have suggested BPD. She doesn't work anymore after some "unspeakable tragedy" that befell her at her old company and stays up all hours of the night then sleeps most of the day. She has no friends and does not get along with anyone. She is very secretive with her life, but I know she has a bunch of lawsuits going on, including suing her sister over my grandfather's estate so my mother can "teach (my aunt) a lesson so she doesn't get what she wants for once," suing the first lawyer she used to sue my aunt, and her old company for "emotional stress." She is also constantly paranoid and thinking the government and insurance people are after her (she prohibits us from answering the home phone or door as she insists they are stalking her).

 

My mother is easily provoked and often illogical, and will argue and scream for hours going in circles and repeating herself. A month ago I forgot to take a piece of the blender apart before putting it in the dishwasher, so she immediately started screaming at me and telling me I'd done it on purpose, then dredged up a list of qualms she had with me from age 18, and then threatened to hit me for not taking her feelings seriously.

 

She has hit me, my dad, and my brother before, over "not taking her feelings with the importance they deserve." She is constantly telling everyone that her feelings are the most important, everyone should act around her and her temper; always telling everyone she is the most important person in the house, and that she is entitled to act any way she wants. She is horrible to my dad and will scream and swear at him if he doesn't PVR the show she wants, or go get something for her from the store. I recall being a child with my brother upstairs, listening to my mom regularly scream at my poor father for hours at a time in the basement about things from decades ago. She would disappear on family vacations and storm off in foreign countries for half a day because my dad wouldn't want to go shopping with her all day. She would spent weeks locked away in her room talking to no one at home. She refuses to celebrate father's day or my dad's birthday now. My father once told me they went to marriage counselling, but when multiple counsellors told her her behaviour must change she refused to go anymore. When I suggested we go to family counselling a few years ago, she swore and went off, claiming everyone in the family was ganging up on her and she was some sort of perpetual victim.

 

My personal issues with her started back in grade 8, after being bullied relentlessly for years and an outcast I got in with a bad group of kids, wore black and dyed my hair, and started drinking and smoking. It only lasted for a few months but I was pulled out out of my public school, stuck in a private school, and became a straight-laced, straight-A student after that all through the rest of my schooling. However, my mother never moved on from that, and still brings it up 10 years later as part of the reason I have the restrictions I do today, at twenty-****ing-two.

 

Instead of being compassionate or understanding, she spent the rest of my teenage years literally telling me I was "abnormal," and "nothing like the other kids," and had a chokehold on anything I did. I was not allowed to date, wear black (a reminder of my emo drinking phase from those few months to her), watch anime (I have no idea where she got this from but she thought it would make me a delinquent again), and was banned from social media or even having my own email until I got a personal university email mandated by my school in my first year. I was berated and harassed and insulted for getting anything less than an A, and was forced to study in all my spare time for exams months in advance to ensure perfect marks. Any time I had a problem with her, she would tell me I was crazy and she was only trying to help and protect me and discipline me as needed. If anyone else I talked to agreed with me, she claimed I had "turned them against her by being dishonest." As a result I had no social life, no boyfriends until university, little life experience, and few friends until I finally reached adulthood. I spent my entire teenage experience mad at the world, convinced I was so abnormal and desperately unhappy. She bullied my brother in the same way until he went to another province for university just to get away from her.

 

The odd part is, she occasionally has periods where she is close to normal. She talks differently, is calmer, and rarely you get lulled into forgetting her horribleness. Recently, she began talking to me out of the blue (we usually don't speak) about her garden, bought me a nail polish to try out, seemed optimistic and friendly, interested in my graduation ceremony. I was surprised but welcomed the change. One night a few days later, after some unknown trigger, she burst into my room at 3am and 5am screaming about a tiny bit of carrot I left in the drain and then a sweater I'd forgotten downstairs. She was completely nuts in the following days, telling me I could suddenly only use one plug-in in the kitchen for my laptop, that I wasn't allowed to use the dryer to dry something she washed and wanted me to take care of. It got so bad at one point last week she started screaming and tried to kick me out of the house literally because I didn't stand in a certain spot a foot from where I was when she wanted to talk to me and leaned over a chair instead of sitting down when she commanded me to.

 

At this point I am DONE with this woman. Her periods of normalcy are so short, and she is so toxic that I'd rather have her out of my life altogether. I have so much pent up anger from my teenage years that being here has brought back up, since now I am facing the same treatment as an adult. I literally hate her. She broke apart our family, created a dysfunctional home, and bullies everyone. She ruined my university graduation too since after her last crazy episode she has no interest in attending my graduation and has not ever given me any sort of congratulations since I graduated in April, other than treating me like a failure for getting a Bachelor of Arts instead of Science and not having a good job.

 

I guess I'm looking for a way to deal with this. I don't know what's wrong with her, I don't think it'll ever be fixed, but I don't know how to proceed in the future with my family.

[NotASkunk]

Hi. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your mother does not sound psychologically healthy. I don't know what you should do to salvage any relationship with her but I do know you don't have to put up with what she is putting you through. I would consider looking at any other resource and get out as soon as possible. Perhaps there is a friend you can stay with for a few months until you finish your semester or perhaps your dad can help you out financially until you are up and running again. I'm sure that you'll feel a lot better once you are out of that house.

 

Good luck.

[debv]

I also am so sorry you are in this situation! The "I think she's ok for awhile" comment you made is often referred to as the "honeymoon" period of the abuse cycle. It's what keeps people trapped in the cycle in relationships they have the choice to leave. "Leaving" is difficult when it's your parent. See the last line of the 'calm' list, but I bet you can relate to several parts of this list Cycle Of Violence - Domestic Violence.

 

My parents could fit into this cycle, but not as 'strongly'. However, I grew up 'used to it' and got into a relationship that was as bad or maybe worse than the cycle you are in with your 'mother'. Reading about the abuse cycle was so eye opening to me, as when you grow up with something it seems 'normal' and even when you figure out it isn't, it's "comfy" subconsciously. Anyway - I liked "Don't Let the World's Jerks Get the Best of You" and "Boundaries" (last book was by Townsend and Cloud I believe). What helped me the most was a 'boundaries group' led by a licensed counselor followed by a few individual sessions. I didn't feel like I had the money for it, but made it work. I also really liked the suggestions in the first response to your post. (Oh - one more thought - there has been a posting going around on fb about 'gaslighting' which may apply here as well.)

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds as if your mother is a very troubled person. The restrictions she's put on you, you could deal with for a short while. But, the abuse is another story. Can't you find a friend to live with for a short time?

[SammySammy]

She has a right to determine what goes on in her house.

 

Get your own house. Then set appropriate boundaries with your mother. If it comes to not taking her again, so be it. But, don't feel bad for not tolerating abuse.

[FluffyThings]

Any of my friends either still live at home as adults or with their own significant others. I'm struggling to get a full time job because the economy is bad in my city and my current job had my hours cut because of the weather and not enough customers (small business and it's outdoors). I got two exes willing to help but that is it's own set of problems.

[SammySammy]

Any of my friends either still live at home as adults or with their own significant others. I'm struggling to get a full time job because the economy is bad in my city and my current job had my hours cut because of the weather and not enough customers (small business and it's outdoors). I got two exes willing to help but that is it's own set of problems.

 

"When you have your head in the lion's mouth, be easy until you get your head out".

 

That's something my grandfather used to say. It simply means tread gently (with your mother) until you can get your own place. But, be steadfastly working toward that end.

 

I would turn down your exes. That's jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. As you said, it's own set of issues. Doesn't make your situation better.

 

You need space and boundaries. Your situation is not going to improve until you get that. You need to be determined to do whatever it takes to get there as soon as possible. Find another job, two part time jobs, ... whatever it takes. So that you can get to a place where you can have peace of mind.

[debv]

love that last post MidKnight....