Seeing the ex keeps putting me back to day 1

[BryanSmiley]

I’ve been beating myself up too much on the whole for what was only a 5 month on/off relationship. We agreed no contact and went 2 months most recently. We work together but on different floors and it had gotten to only seeing her briefly every couple of weeks.

 

Whilst on holiday for a friends stag do, she text me a happy birthday, wish you the best text. She’d either remembered my birthday or talked to a mutual friend I’d had a conversation with the day before my birthday (latter more likely). So, I replied saying thanks. Now, under the influence of alcohol (though also my own weakness) the conversation continued via text. She said she didn’t know whether to wish me happy birthday but that if it were reversed she’d like me to. I said I probably wouldn’t in fairness but still appreciated her text. I then foolishly made some references and jokes to some of the good/bad memories and basically saying I still thought we could work something out. She said she was torn but not ready for a relationship, and was not convinced if it didn’t work the first time that it could the 2nd. I fairly respectfully accepted and said if we can go back to no contact apart from brief passings etc. at work then please.

 

So a few days later I (shouldn’t have maybe) followed up with a message saying, what would it take for you to re-consider. She seemed closer to considering - but ultimately unwilling so I left it. She then messaged about 18 hours later asking if I was back in the UK from my trip. I said yes. She said she was on her way back to the UK, then mentioned she might miss her bus thereon (I had mentioned fond memories of picking her up from the airport). I jokingly said it’s a shame you don’t have that person around anymore whom used to pick you up. She replied, I wouldn’t ask, unless it we were more than friends again. Now I don’t think she was hinting to reconcile. She’s very selfish and it’s possible she was testing me. So about 6 hours later I messaged saying, look I wouldn’t leave you stranded at the airport, let me know. She messaged she’d got the bus and was okay. Said it was difficult to say yes or not to me re trying again, and was running out of battery. I just said “ok, night”.

 

Now pretty much back in full NC. Oddly I felt good the past week and a half since, I had some flirting and interest from a girl (not sure it will go anywhere, will see, but it did wonders for the ego and self esteem). I saw the ex in a cafe yesterday, she was sat with her back to some of my friends whom I sat with. She was in such a care free, playful mood with 1 male friend of hers (married). I was in quite positive form when sitting with my 2 friends of mixed sex. When she got up to go we exchanged polite hello’s. Her female friend stayed to chat to me/us for a few mins while the other 2 waited outside.

 

Fast forward to today, well, it’s surprised me just how much I’ve gone back to step 1 of recovery. Although I’d handled it okay, what bothers me is how playful, carefree she seems around me after everything, and even a recent slightly deep conversation. It feels like I’m having to act up to be indifferent, okay in-front of her, but she genuinely is fine (though she says its hard).

 

Anyhow all it took was all this and a little more time to myself, less socially going on, and as feared the obsessive thoughts, re-runs, anxiety is almost as intense as day one of the breakup. I was doing so well and making strides with relationships with family, friends, potential love interests, but even seeing her still sends me right back.

 

I would consider moving job but will likely leave anyway this year, and she thinks she might get a job in London in a month and will leave, and that would be the only reason she’d message me again (her words).

 

Any advice on the situation, because ultimately I can’t really maintain full NC. A big part of me does still want her back. Perhaps I should wait until she messages that she’s leaving the area, and then just say “Good luck, you know where to find me, if not, have a good life”. That’s what I’ve got in mind, but woah the constant reviewing of it all is back with a bang once every couple of weeks..until she leaves.

[d0nnivain]

Healing isn't linear & her breadcrumbs didn't help. Perhaps this confirmation that she doesn't want you back will eventually help your healing. Although you feel as though you are back at step 1 right now you will return to your pre-trip state of healing faster than it took you to get there in the 1st place. This was only a 5 month relationship & in a few weeks you will have been apart half as long as you were together.

 

 

Hang in there.

[BryanSmiley]

Healing isn't linear & her breadcrumbs didn't help. Perhaps this confirmation that she doesn't want you back will eventually help your healing. Although you feel as though you are back at step 1 right now you will return to your pre-trip state of healing faster than it took you to get there in the 1st place. This was only a 5 month relationship & in a few weeks you will have been apart half as long as you were together.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

Believe me I tell myself I should be over it by now all the time, it's opened other cans of worms in my psyche but it is frustrating when I have a good week, then it comes flooding back. Out of sight out of mind is so true, it can just take seeing her and when I wake up in the night my sub-conscious mind almost wonders where she is for a second. It's horrid. I'm in a position of hoping she does leave the workplace and area in a month, but dreading as I don't know how best to leave it, what to say, it'll feel more final. Part of me is hoping that'll trigger something in her to realise something, but I expect the advice will be to leave it and minimise contact.