Dealing with 92 yo mother recently diagnosed with breast cancer

[NotASkunk]

Hi. I am dealing with something I never expected and I am here to get some support and get some of my feelings out.

 

I am 53 and my mother is 92. She has been living in an assisted care facility for the past eight years. She has done well there but a few weeks ago I was called by her social worker to say that they saw a lump on her breast and she has since been diagnosed with malignant breast cancer.

 

A little backstory on our personal relationship. When I was growing up my father died when I was 10 years old. I was very close with him and when he died I felt completely abandoned, left with a mother who was never emotionally or even physically there for me as she was consumed with my mentally handicapped older brother my entire life. By today standards, our relationship would be considered abusive because of the neglect. I was never taught even the most basic things like how to keep clean let alone develop a structured school schedule, etc. The only time I received encouragement or praise from my mother would be when I would adequately show that I could take care of myself. I was encouraged because I was "the smart one" to do the best I could on my own. I did receive a lot of love and encouragement from my grandmother who was in my life on a daily basis and for that I am very grateful. She instilled a lot of values in me that I have only come to realize in recent years.

 

I wasn't a bad kid but I definitely did have an independent mind and wanted to explore my world on my own and not have any restrictions placed on me as far as going out and doing what I wanted to do. While my mother didn't/couldn't stop me I received a lot of beratement for going to clubs, having sex with my boyfriend, at 17 mind you, as well as being told on a regular basis that I would never amount to anything.

 

I moved out when I was 18 and and boyfriend moved in with me six months later. He was a very kind man and we were together for four years. My mother never acknowledged him. Period. He treated me very well and showed me a lot of love and my mother could not even have the little tiniest bit of kindness to react to him in a positive way. She use the guise of her forms the religious ethic to further put me down for living with a man before I was married to one. Of all the things!

 

I didn't have much contact with her until I was about 30 years old when I confronted her about being neglected and how much it hurt me. I was at a stage in my life where I wasn't even sure if she realized what she had done to me as being wrong. I was hoping that she would acknowledge my feelings at the very least. An apology would've been great but I was not expecting one. She basically let me know that she had other things to do at the time that were more important to her and that I did fine on my own without her. Again, my brother was her focus for my entire life and she had no apologies for that. I was fine with that. I wasn't really expecting much more from her. It felt good to me to get my feelings out to her and until a few years ago we have maintained a cordial if not friendly relationship.

 

10 years ago I became involved with a man who had a more solid family structure and he encouraged me to reach out to my mother more and my brother as well. So we had family gatherings on a regular basis and we would also go and visit her fairly regularly as well. I felt good about it because I wanted to support my mom in her older years and I've felt an emotional distance from her and I was not letting our past bother me for so many years at that point that everything was cool.

 

A few years ago my relationship with my boyfriend of 10 years ended very badly. I realize that a lot of my emotional damage from childhood still existed deep inside and I have been in counseling and I have been progressing and doing much better. However, realizing the abuse and lack of care that I experienced because of my mother I decided to basically see her if I wanted to and it turns out that I haven't wanted to for the last year and a half. I've been OK with that and she is pretty old and I don't think she really expects too much from me anyway.

 

That brings me a current to the situation with her diagnosis of malignant breast cancer. It is only been three days since I was told that her doctor suggests a double Masectomy. I have had my cousin to speak with about this and one or two friends but I don't have a solid emotional support system and I guess that's why am reaching out here as well. I have an appointment with my therapist this morning and I will be talking to her about this. I am also having a meeting with my mothers social worker and Dr. this morning. I need to make a decision about whether she should have the surgery and deal with the difficult recovery of that which seems to me to be a lot to put a 92-year-old woman through or other painful treatments like radiation therapy and dying a slow painful death from breast cancer. I spoke with my mom for the first time on the phone yesterday to see how aware she was at the situation and she is in complete denial about having breast cancer. She does know that she is sick and that surgery is an option. Cancer is a big scary word in our family. Her 2 brothers and my father died of cancer.

 

She started to cry on the phone when we spoke. She obviously is aware that something really bad is going on but she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm going to be seeing her with my cousin tomorrow.

 

Thank you for listening to my story. It is a strange and confusing place to be in for me. I still feel very uncentered from the loss of my long-term relationship. Except for my cousin and therapist I don't really have anyone very close to me to support me right now. I love my mother and don't want her to suffer. However, it appears that there will definitely be some suffering going on one way or the other for her and for me.

 

Thank you.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm a little unclear, is she competent to make her own medical decisions at this point? If not does she have any sort of personal directive done up?

 

Personally I'd be really hesitant to consider radiation and/or chemo on someone that age. It's hard enough on healthy young people. Even surgery could be too much for her.

 

The relatives I've had make it to their 90's can seem healthy one day, and die seemingly of nothing a few days later. The human body is very fragile at that age. You're talking in terms of long periods of suffering, but I think you need to prepare yourself mentally for the fact that regardless of what you choose, she is probably in her last months.

 

I don't know if you can get her in with a geriatric oncologist, but it might be the best course of action, for some honest thoughts on what is most likely to cause her the least suffering and what her body can tolerate. Many oncologists tend to look at everyone like there are a healthy 25 year old and focus on curing the cancer.

[anika99]

Ask the doctors how fast the cancer is growing. Some cancers are very slow growing and takes years to lead to death. Although I'm guessing that if the doctors are recommending a double mastectomy that the cancer is already advanced but then again maybe not, maybe they just want to aggressively treat it. You will need to get more information from them before you can make a decision.

 

Why is it up to you? Is your mom not of sound mind? What scares me the most about this post is that my right to make my own decisions will be taken away from me when I get old, just because I'm old. My mom is only in her late seventies and she has said numerous times that if she got diagnosed with cancer now she would not have aggressive treatment. My mom is not senile so I would respect her decision.

 

Good long either way. I don't envy your position but I would say just gather all the information you can and then trust yourself.

[NotASkunk]

Thank you for your responses. She is not competent to make a decision. I have her power of attorney. Her social worker is encouraging me to make a decision very soon. I will know more when I have the meeting with her and my mother's doctor tomorrow. When I spoke with my mother yesterday I was trying to determine her ability to to discuss the issue with me. Because she showed me very quickly how much in denial she is about the situation and was very reluctant to talk about it at all and started to cry I know that I am going to have to get my best advice from her doctor. I do not have the ability to take her to a specialist.

[NotASkunk]

When I spoke with her nurse originally a few days ago she told me the doctor recommended the surgery. It's my gut feeling that it will be a lot to put her through but at the same time so will dying from cancer. I just don't know which is the best way to go. And the decision is on me. I never thought that she would get cancer at this late stage in life. I always thought she would go in her sleep. I almost feel like I am signing my mothers death sentence even though I know that's not true in reality. Pick the way you want your mom to die; either way we go it's going to be really difficult for her. It breaks my heart. She isn't a bad person and she didn't deserve this to happen after a pretty hard life. Again, thank you for listening. It helps to get the feelings out to talk about it in this forum.

[GunslingerRoland]

Why is it up to you? Is your mom not of sound mind? What scares me the most about this post is that my right to make my own decisions will be taken away from me when I get old, just because I'm old. My mom is only in her late seventies and she has said numerous times that if she got diagnosed with cancer now she would not have aggressive treatment. My mom is not senile so I would respect her decision.

 

Sorry if this is off topic, but you and your mother should both see an attorney and make sure you have will's, personal directives, and power of attorney's drawn up so that all of your wishes will be handled.

 

No one loses the ability to make decisions just because they get old but sadly for most people as they age, they can no longer make those decisions, even if it's just in the final weeks because of an illness.

 

Doctors tend to have their own personal feelings, and let those get in the way if these things are not legally documented.

[GunslingerRoland]

I always thought she would go in her sleep. I almost feel like I am signing my mothers death sentence even though I know that's not true in reality. Pick the way you want your mom to die; either way we go it's going to be really difficult for her. It breaks my heart. She isn't a bad person and she didn't deserve this to happen after a pretty hard life. Again, thank you for listening. It helps to get the feelings out to talk about it in this forum.

 

People almost always die of something. Even as seniors die in their sleep there is usually an underlying cause, it's just that they don't usually do much of an investigation on people dying of that age.

 

Cancer is horrible for anyone. Getting it later in life is better than getting it earlier in life. Look at it like that. And no you aren't deciding how she dies. You are trying to pick the treatment that will give her the best quality of life in her remaining time. That is all you can do. If surgery gives her the best chance of that, but she dies of complications during it, you didn't kill her, cancer killed her. Your goal isn't to keep her alive forever, you aren't God and she is 92 years old with cancer. Your job is to keep her comfortable for as long as you can.

[NotASkunk]

I spoke with her doctor and he thinks the least invasive form of treatment is best. That she will have a very hard time recovering from removal

Of all the breast tissue. I am going to probably allow him to do a lumpectomy but not a full Masectomy. He thinks this is best. Thanks for your support LS. It's been a tough week.

[NotASkunk]

He said the type of cancer she has is very aggressive and fast moving.

[beatcuff]

He said the type of cancer she has is very aggressive and fast moving.

really interesting she has this now. you might want to do a little research on the different approaches to cancer between the US and Europe. especially because:

 

i had a 96 yo aunt that cut her leg when it brushed an opened cardboard box. it took 6 months working with a wound clinic before it healed. you should consider discussing you mothers skin with a specialist. you may find the recovery to be to much risk.

[Arieswoman]

NotASkunk,

 

He said the type of cancer she has is very aggressive and fast moving

.

 

I am very puzzled by this because in my experience ( I have worked in healthcare for 35+ years) breast cancer is usually aggressive in pre-menopausal women when it is hormone dependent.

That rules out a 92 yo mum.

 

I think you need to ask more questions.

 

Types of breast cancer - Understanding breast cancer - Macmillan Cancer Support

[BaileyB]

My sympathy to you, my mother passed away five years ago from cancer. It is a very difficult road to walk.

 

I'm very surprised that they recommended surgery, given your mothers age. Keep in mind, it is a surgeons job to cut - if they can remove it surgically, they will. They are often not thinking about quality of life. And, many doctors find end of life decisions difficult to deal with so they avoid these discussions. They are much better at providing options and treatment.

 

Best wishes to you. Take care of yourself.

[NotASkunk]

With the doctors guidance, we have decided to meet in the middle with a lumpectomy.

 

I had to put my 17-year-old cat down on Friday. Death all around. I was not able to go and visit her this weekend but I will be going this week. Trying to brace myself for her emotions, therefore mine. Thanks for all of your input. I'll know more in the coming weeks.

[Miss Clavel]

if it were me as the mom or me as the daughter, i'd let her go.

 

my mother died at my sisters with hospice. peacefully floating to heaven on a cloud of morphine.

 

there is no way i'd let anyone cut open my 90 year old mother, let alone tube her or anesthetize her.

 

since she doesn't want to discuss exactly what's wrong and she knows something is wrong, something big, i use that to open a dialog.

 

i'd ask her if she's ready to meet her maker, if she's got one. does she want to be with her other family if she has any, that have already passed over? and i'd ask her if she's given any thought to where she wants her possessions and money to go and what she wants done with her remains? if she'd like a funeral and burial(very expensive) and if so, where and what would she like to wear? just say, "should i put you next to daddy in your blue suit or would you mind if i shared your ashes with your son?

 

she's going to cry, she's going to be confused. my mother could only answer one or two of these questions before she'd start crying and go lie down. but little by little i could see her making her peace, preparing her death song, if you will.

 

it's your mother's death you are deciding and everyone deserves, if they can get it, a death without pain or fear.

 

not a death proceeded by the fear of being cut in a operating room to no purpose and then being treated to chemo juice that will leave them puking in pain unable to even get to the toilet or the tub on their own, let alone feed themselves.

 

it's time. regardless of what kind of mother she was, you are her daughter. her next of kin. give her what she needs. comfort, peace, sleepy morphine exit time.

 

so sorry all this has landed on you.

[whichwayisup]

He said the type of cancer she has is very aggressive and fast moving.

 

So at age 92 (I'm putting this out there gently) wouldn't it be considered to just make her comfortable and live the last bit of her life pain free? If she has surgery how long is her prognosis and can they get all the cancer?

 

I am sorry to hear she's not well. Cancer sucks!

[whichwayisup]

With the doctors guidance, we have decided to meet in the middle with a lumpectomy.

 

I had to put my 17-year-old cat down on Friday. Death all around. I was not able to go and visit her this weekend but I will be going this week. Trying to brace myself for her emotions, therefore mine. Thanks for all of your input. I'll know more in the coming weeks.

 

You've been hit hard with a double whammy, I know it hurts to put down a pet, they are such members of the family.

 

Please talk to your mom and ask her what she wants. Again at such an elderly age she may not want to go through a surgery and possible chemo and radiation. That makes one very very sick and she may not be handle that..

[NotASkunk]

Hi everyone. I want to thank you all for your support and your input. I went to visit my mom for the first time today. My cousin came with me. We went and saw my therapist first to get some support from her and then we went to her care facility. My mother didn't recognize us. She was awake and lucid but she did not know who we were in the slightest.

 

She has been to her oncologist and the decision lies with me as to what to do next. After the visit today and after talking to different people regarding this matter and also from the advice I received here I have decided to not have any surgery performed on her. She is comfortable and not in any pain at this time and hospice care is a service that is provided at the facility where she lives so she won't have to go through any upheaval when it gets to that point.

 

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your input and advice. It's a very difficult time. It feels like so much death and heart ache all around. I miss my cat that passed away two weeks ago very much and at the same time I know I did the right thing by putting him down so that he wouldn't have to suffer. I did not opt for him to have surgery either.

[Miss Clavel]

it's so hard to lose the ones we love. bless you for making the best decision for everyone.