caligirl709 Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Okay, so I'm not one to turn to this kind of thing for advice but I'm desperate to hear some feedback from an outsiders perspective. A little background.. I'm 26 years old. I've been dating my boyfriend (now ex-fiance) for 6 amazing years. We've had our fair share of ups and downs but overall, we've had a really great relationship and have connected on such a deep level. Last year he proposed and it was the happiest day of my life. I moved in with him for a couple months and everything was great. We had our whole lives planned out and we both shared the same views on where we were going to live, careers, having kids, the whole nine yards. He was truly my best friend and soul mate and such a great partner in life. We were halfway through the wedding planning until I found out about a couple of instances where we were out drinking with friends, and he has said inappropriate things to a couple of different girl friends of mine on a couple of different occasions. He even became physical with one and kissed her. He crossed the line of "harmless flirting" and just humiliated me and made me look like such a fool. I almost would've felt better if it was some random chick but the fact that he was saying these things to my friends is insulting, disrespectful and I felt so betrayed. These situations were spread out throughout the course of our relationship and somehow I found out everything all at once. I freaked out and canceled the wedding and didn't speak to him for two months. We've been communicating lately and he feels like a complete idiot, as he should. He is not the social type and never wanted to do anything without me. He wouldn't want to go out with his friends or do anything unless I was involved and was going to be there. He's a very laid back guy who would rather stay home and watch movies rather than go to the bar which is why I feel so blindsided because I didn't know he was capable of this behavior. A lot of people are saying well, if he's doing this right in front of you what has he done behind your back? I totally understand where they're coming from.. I don't know if this is me being naive but I was with him every single day (even when we didn't live together) and he never hid anything on his phone or acted sketchy in any way so I don't think he actually hung out with girls behind my back. He claims he will do anything to earn me back and fix what he caused because he hates that he acted like this and this is not the person he wants to be. Unfortunately it had to take me calling off the wedding and leaving him for him to realize how much he lost. He wants to earn my trust back but I just don't see how this is going to work if I don't fully trust him. I don't want to live my life having to worry about if hes going to hit on one of my friends or say inappropriate things. On the other hand, I miss him so much. I know time heals all wounds but I really don't see a future without him and don't think I can connect with anyone like I have with him. My family feels just as blindsided as I do and I'm afraid they'll never accept him again. They're furious with him. My question is, do people change? Am I going to end up being disappointed if I give it another shot and let him prove himself to me? Has anyone else experienced a situation like this before? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Ignore all those red flags at you own peril. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 I certainly would discuss transparency and boundaries and perhaps even go to couples therapy before committing to marrying him. I would see what he agrees to do. If he seems to be committed to you and does the right things he might be worth a second chance. But he would certainly need to prove that . Maybe he has realized where he made mistakes and will work on himself to fix them. But I have to admit... my gut says save yourself some heart ache and find someone who treats you with respect. His inappropriate behavior was very disrespectful to you... you deserve better 5 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Did you guys ever talk about relationship boundaries beforehand? I am absolutely not blaming you for his actions in any way, let me reassure you of that. But people do have different ideas of what's acceptable, and it is possible that he didn't mentally put "flirting" and "a kiss in public" as being the same thing as "infidelity". To some people a kiss is an absolute breach that is 100% cheating. To others it's simply not a big deal at all. IF the problem was partly due to a misunderstanding and him not realising how out of line his actions were, but he now realises how much he's upset you and does not want to upset you again, then a second chance might work out. Did he flirt with people because he was trying to fit in to the crowd of people having fun, or because he is addicted to that kind of attention? That would make a difference to me in guessing how likely he was to do it again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Never marry someone you have these issues with before you are married 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author caligirl709 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 Yes, he knows that kissing someone else in a relationship is not acceptable, especially someone I'm friends with. He says he just got caught up in receiving flirty attention and he never meant for any of this to hurt me and he swears up and down that he never hung out with girls behind my back. I'm just scared because I know we can make it through because we love each other so much but he made me out to look like such an idiot. I just don't want this happening again down the road and then feel even more stupid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 If he knew it was wrong beforehand and did it anyway, that's worrying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Too many people show up here saying "He cheated before we got engaged/married but I took him back because I loved him so much and now he he is cheating again, only we now have two kids and another on the way..." Listen to aileD :::Never marry someone you have these issues with before you are married::: 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Yes, he knows that kissing someone else in a relationship is not acceptable, especially someone I'm friends with. He says he just got caught up in receiving flirty attention and he never meant for any of this to hurt me. So, we know that he does not respect proper boundaries, lacks self control, and has very poor judgment. I would agree with the others... Ignore these red flags at your own peril. It takes much more than "love" to have a healthy long-term relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Yes, he knows that kissing someone else in a relationship is not acceptable, especially someone I'm friends with. He says he just got caught up in receiving flirty attention and he never meant for any of this to hurt me and he swears up and down that he never hung out with girls behind my back. I'm just scared because I know we can make it through because we love each other so much but he made me out to look like such an idiot. I just don't want this happening again down the road and then feel even more stupid. Listen. if he couldn't resist the flirty attention NOW, before he even marries you .....then realistically what's going to happen 20 years from now when you've got a few kids, life is hectic, you're tired and busy and can't give him the attention he needs and some young chick from the office gets flirty with him? He's of weak character. Don't marry that. Trust me, letting go of him now will be MUCH less painful than when you've got 20 years with him and a few kids and a life and a house and a dream for the future and all of a sudden the thinks he's in love with a 20 year old who lights up his ego, and leaves you and your family to go live your dreams with her. TRUST ME 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Here's the important question: What has he admitted to or confessed, that you did not know about? If the answer is nothing, move along, and look for someone else to spend the rest of your life with. I am not at all suggesting that he had an affair or slept with anyone, though it certainly is possible. But if he did some relatively unacceptable things to your friends, the probability that he did not do similar things to other women, is close to zero. If he did not confess to other minor indiscretions I would have to say that he's lying. A cheaters strategy is to only admit to what you are already aware of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 He's a very laid back guy who would rather stay home and watch movies rather than go to the bar which is why I feel so blindsided because I didn't know he was capable of this behavior. A lot of people are saying well, if he's doing this right in front of you what has he done behind your back? I totally understand where they're coming from.. I don't know if this is me being naive but I was with him every single day (even when we didn't live together) and he never hid anything on his phone or acted sketchy in any way so I don't think he actually hung out with girls behind my back. Let me clear this up for you really fast. YES, absolutely you are being naive. Please, read around this forum. People who live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, have demanding careers while raising multiple children together still find time to cheat. The lengths they are willing to go to is astonishing. I'm going to give you credit, OP. You don't seem to be as versed in these matters as much as the majority of people here, yet you had enough sense to call off the wedding. That tells me that you are SMART. Smart people don't jump out of the fryer and in the frying pan. Smart people don't let their emotions override their ability to make decisions based on logic. This guy is total poison and you know it. Don't mistake the warmth of familiarity with intimacy. You need to let this jerk go for good because HE WILL HURT YOU again. Why? You know, maybe it's lack of morals, impulse control, empathy, whatever. That part isn't really important though. You know what he is capable of now. Don't ignore this absolutely beautiful stroke of luck you had. You've been given a second chance to find someone who is capable of real loyalty. Don't take it for granted. The Universe is not known for granting second chances at this type of thing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Hi Caligirl, you've received a lot of good advice here. I especially would reiterate what aileD said. Look at it this way. If you were in the market to buy a new car and you go to a dealer's outlet and test drive a car you liked and while on your test drive you found that the brakes did not work properly and the engine was overheating, would you put your money down on that car? What if the car dealer said he would get it seen to and rectify the defects? Would you go ahead and buy it? Fact is once your trust has been shaken and you know the car which is brand new and has recently left the factory has these initial defects then the Lord knows how many more defects lie hidden just waiting to reveal themselves once you've committed to it by putting down the money on it. If you are smart, you will shop around some more and pick a car with similar features but which has none of these initial defects. After all it is your money( read your life) and it is worth ensuring that it is well spent and not wasted on something that is going to give you trouble( read heartache) down the road. As it is, even those guys(and gals) who seem stellar in the beginning end up cheating, but your odds with them are better than with someone who has proven character defects right at the start. On another note, I wonder how and why so many people with strong boundaries and good instincts end up with real losers who cause them such heartache. I guess the guy who could come up with a gyro separator to separate the good folk from the chaff would become a multi billionaire overnight. It may be a flight of fancy but it is something sorely needed in this day and age. Warm wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 my ex spoke to me and he told me recently it was never his intention to hurt me at all.....and i believe him...the fact still remains though that he did......he admitted his faults and that's really comforting.....in my situation i gave him chance after chance after chance.....and even f it was never his intention......he continued to do things that he shouldnt.....he also admitted to having a problem when he drinks.....he becomes also...very flirty..... as other posters have suggested before you marry this guy get counselling set your boundaries and pray to god he really does have true remorse......for me i gave chances all through the relationship over and over again i dont know how many chances you have given i am feeling its more than one because you claim more than one friend he has done this with.... go into this very carefully if you must...with your eyes open...but to truly have anything with him are you ready to put what he has done wrong behind you and be ready to trust him?...if the answers no...then i think that says what needs to be done...........i feel counselling may be a step you should really hammer home if you do decide to proceed..i wish you well.....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts