sparrow22 Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Recently my AP ended things, went so far as to change her number and delete her email. I am now extremely limited in how I could contact her. She is married so simply sending a letter or showing up at her door isnt the best option. I have left msgs on skype hoping she will see them but still no guarantee. Since we ended my wife found out that her suspicions are true. She has suggested that we seek counseling if I really want to rectify things. She is unsure that the marriage is really what I want. And honestly right now I am unsure too. Its only been a couple weeks since my ap ended us and I am still madly in love with her and had fallen completely out of love with my wife. I don't know if we will ever get that spark back and I realize I have permanently damaged the marriage. Do I give up on the fantasy of being with my AP and try and find what my wife and I once had? Do I simply walk out the door and face being alone and hope whatever is best happens? I care about my wife and want her to be happy but just not sure I am the man to do that. I don't have any idea where I belong anymore. The woman I love abandoned me bc I wasn't willing to be just her friend until she was ready to get divorced, which was going to be a year out. I wanted to continue the affair and start our life together as soon as possible. My life is a mess, I find myself depressed all the time, and listen to my wife cry everyday bc of what I did to her. She still loves me and wants me, but isnt sure how that will work bc she knows I still love my AP. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 No kids? Leave your wife to find someone who appreciates and loves her and be alone for a while. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Your AP is making it pretty clear she's done. Leave her alone. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Divorce your wife since you say you don't love her anymore. Then you can sit and wait, waste your life on a MW who more than likely isn't leaving her husband for you. You can hope she contacts you one day to start up the affair again. Or, you can do counseling and fix yourself and hope your wife loves you enough to give you a chance to regain her trust in you again. It all depends if you feel your marriage and wife is worth fighting for...But you also say you're not sure if you want to be married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Sorry man...that's a tough spot to be in. So, in my case, I had done a lot of soul searching, deep soul searching, well before my affair began. I knew, with certainty, that I could not see myself with my then wife for the rest of my days. In fact, I hung in there for a while but knew I wanted out within maybe 1-2 years. After my affair began, I still knew I wanted out and if anything, that probably magnified that desire. Long story short, I got caught, AP and I had discussed being together and possibly doing so within 1-2 years. My situation obviously changed much quicker than that and so like you, I was faced with a choice. My then wife wanted to try to work things out but I knew I didn't want to be with her...I also knew that it was a real possibility that that my AP might never leave, might dump me and all that. So I left knowing that and knowing I would ultimately be fine. As I write this, I'm divorced and my AP is not in the picture (you can read my lengthy post for the backstory). If you're not feeling it, or in love with your wife (and I know that feeling), I think you should move on to a new life. There will be some turbulence for sure, but I know I'm happier overall. Just out of curiosity, what was your APs reason for wanting to wait a year and how long were you guys involved? Hang in there brother...sometimes it gets and feels worse before it gets better! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 I don't think the decision should be between your AP or your wife. The important thing here is the marriage. And this is sayjng a lot seeing as how I was an OW. Do you love your wife? Do you want the marriage to work? If the answer is "no" that's Ok!! You're not a terrible person b/c you fell out of love and no longer want to be married. You made a bad decision that resulted in this, yes. But you're not an evil person. And you certainly don't need any of us here to make you feel worse. You don't have to stay married just b/c you're already married. But I do think right now you aren't ready to make a decision one way or the other. You shouldn't stay with your wife just b/c your AP doesnt appear to want to be with you right now. You owe it to your wife and your marriage to make a decision about yall solely between the 2 of you. If you want to stay married to your wife and feel like you could fall back in love, then do what you need to do to fix that relationship. There's a very big chance that enough damage has been done that you may not be able to recover. It will be very hard. And if you aren't fully committed to making it work, it'll be hell. Have an honest talk with yourself and then with your wife. As hurt as she is, it'll be a million times worse for her if you stay with her simply b/c your AP is gone. She deserves to be with someone who loves her and wants to be with her. Nothing less. Either let her go and be content being single and on your own OR commit 150% to your wife and the marriage and let AP go completely. I wish you all the best! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 (edited) Recently my AP ended things, went so far as to change her number and delete her email. I am now extremely limited in how I could contact her. Based on her actions, I would say that she doesn't want you to contact her. If you are capable of putting someone else's best interest above your own selfish desire, you should respect her wishes. Edited June 8, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakingWave Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Hi Sparrow: Speaking as someone still in an A with a MW, this is how I would want her to handle the situation: 1) Ask yourself whether, all things being equal (but they never are, are they?) you would want to be married to your wife. Some WSs will insist that they were perfectly happy and the A "just happened." That's what my AP said in the beginning. Turns out, there has been plenty of tension at home for a while and it just took her some time to open up about that because she'd never allowed herself to say it out loud. But I think it's *very* important to decide whether you could find a way to be truly happy (as opposed to merely "not unhappy") with your wife. 2) If the answer to number one is yes, then I think you should focus on that. Your wife has given you the opportunity to earn her love and trust back. If you think she can make you happy (and, just as importantly, that you can meet her needs and make HER happy as well) then you absolutely should take her up on that offer. It is an incredibly generous one that says much about the way she's willing to love you. If you choose to stay, be willing to never get involved with your xAP or anyone else. 3) If the answer to number one is no, and the marriage is over whether or not AP or anyone else comes into your life, end it. Spare both of you more pain. You are in the fortunate position of not having children. I say fortunate, because you don't have to consider anyone else's interests other than your own and your wife's. I think we can all agree that it is in no one's best interest to be married to someone who does not love them, so in leaving you'd be honoring her best interest unless there are other details you haven't shared (i.e. she has a medical condition and is dependent on your insurance or income, etc.) If you leave your marriage, make sure it is because you have decided you'd be happier without your spouse. Whether or not you and AP end up together, this is the most important decision you can make. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparrow22 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 i have children, thats whats kept me here this long. I know that makes me awful. my wife wants to work it out, but only if I want to stay married. it seems like the right thing to do but I dont know if I can fall back in love with her. it was going to be a yr before we could be together me and the ap bc of her kid. She ended us bc she was unhappy with just an affair but every time I brought up speeding up the process so we could be together she had a reason why it wouldnt work Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Don't worry about her right now - you don't know for certain what's going on in her mind, and you can't control what she does. You can only control YOU. If you're not sure if you can fall back in love with your wife, that suggests you're not sure that it's impossible, either. How about taking at least a few months to seek counselling and explore your relationship before you make any permanent decisions? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 i have children, thats whats kept me here this long. I know that makes me awful. my wife wants to work it out, but only if I want to stay married. it seems like the right thing to do but I dont know if I can fall back in love with her. it was going to be a yr before we could be together me and the ap bc of her kid. She ended us bc she was unhappy with just an affair but every time I brought up speeding up the process so we could be together she had a reason why it wouldnt work I would say that the chances of the relationship working with your affair partner are slim to none. She doesn't know what she wants, you don't know what you want... The emotional connection and the sex are awesome until the daily reality of having to make some hard decisions and deal with the harsh reality of those decisions... But seriously, don't stay because of the kids. Either you love your wife and you want to commit to her, or you don't. And if you don't, I would suggest that you spend some time alone and get your head together... because, you are a mess right now! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Statistics don't lie. And starting a relationship with an A gives you a tremendous increase in divorce rate. Do some work? Yes, they do. Some people win the lottery too. Why anyone would want to get into a real LTR with someone who's actively cheating on their spouse, I'll never understand. Of the small number that do lead to marriage, I'd love to know what the rate of infidelity is in this relationships. It has to be shockingly high, because, of course, you're both going the knowledge that other person is fully capable of being a liar and untrue to their vows. I know, I'm a BS and I don't really have a voice here. I'll keep it to a dull roar. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Statistics don't lie. And starting a relationship with an A gives you a tremendous increase in divorce rate. Do some work? Yes, they do. Some people win the lottery too. Why anyone would want to get into a real LTR with someone who's actively cheating on their spouse, I'll never understand. Of the small number that do lead to marriage, I'd love to know what the rate of infidelity is in this relationships. It has to be shockingly high, because, of course, you're both going the knowledge that other person is fully capable of being a liar and untrue to their vows. I know, I'm a BS and I don't really have a voice here. I'll keep it to a dull roar. But couldn't that same logic be applied in situations where people stay with their cheating spouses? You're essentially saying b/c someone cheated in one relationship, they'll cheat in the new one. So wouldn't that mean if someone cheated in a particular relationship that they're likely to cheat in that relationship again? Anywho- we don't know the dynamic of OP and his AP's relationship. We don't know how genuine or real their feelings are. It could work, it could not. But in this current situation, it's a moot point b/c AP is MIA. Sparrow needs to figure out whether or not he wants to stay married and that's a decision that shouldn't be dependent on what his AP wants. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Aqulesco Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 i have children, thats whats kept me here this long. I know that makes me awful. my wife wants to work it out, but only if I want to stay married. it seems like the right thing to do but I dont know if I can fall back in love with her. it was going to be a yr before we could be together me and the ap bc of her kid. She ended us bc she was unhappy with just an affair but every time I brought up speeding up the process so we could be together she had a reason why it wouldnt work sounds like a rare case where the woman future faked. You got used. She loves her husband. you just filled a void for a while. Your wife deserves better. Affairs never end well 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 i have children, thats whats kept me here this long. I know that makes me awful. my wife wants to work it out, but only if I want to stay married. it seems like the right thing to do but I dont know if I can fall back in love with her. it was going to be a yr before we could be together me and the ap bc of her kid. She ended us bc she was unhappy with just an affair but every time I brought up speeding up the process so we could be together she had a reason why it wouldnt work This is a huge contradiction. You can't leave because your children are keeping you there? Yet you were perfectly okay with leaving your children when you thought the OW as going to run away with you. Don't use your children as scapegoats here. Don't pretend they're the reason you want to stay now. You want to stay now only because you don't want to be alone. You say you don't want to leave your kids but when you thought you were going to wind up with the OW, then it was game one! bye bye kids. I think if you were willing to walk away from your marriage and kids for the OW then you should probably still walk away. Your wife obviously loves you and wants you but I doubt she wants to be your consolation prize. I doubt your kids want to blamed or used as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage. Just get honest with people and do the right thing. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparrow22 Posted June 9, 2017 Author Share Posted June 9, 2017 Bailey A mess doesnt begin to describe what I am. My wife has suggested as much which is incredibly kind. She wants it to work, and wants me to stay for the kids. IDK if thats the best reason to stay but she also only wants me to stay if that is where I want to be. Its not that I dont care about my wife bc I do. But never had the intensity or passion with her that I did with the AP. Yes I realize affair love is different, but this was also a different type of affair, and the love there is genuine. Aqulesco, you might be right. She was all about taking about a future but once I started to take steps so that we could be together and asked to have those serious talks and make plans she started to give me reasons why it wouldnt work now...why we needed to wait and not rush this. I have wondered if she was ever really going to leave her husband or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparrow22 Posted June 9, 2017 Author Share Posted June 9, 2017 (edited) I have created my own nightmare and now I am forced to live in it. When its all said and done I may have lost my family, my wife and find that my AP is nowhere in sight Edited June 9, 2017 by sparrow22 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 I have created my own nightmare and now I am forced to live in it. When its all said and done I may have lost my family, my wife and find that my AP is nowhere in sight This is usually what happens... And yes you are on your way to just that. FYI, your OW, never ever had any intention of leaving the comfort and the security of her marriage, never. This is how it always goes, you just don't realize it yet... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparrow22 Posted June 9, 2017 Author Share Posted June 9, 2017 This is usually what happens... And yes you are on your way to just that. FYI, your OW, never ever had any intention of leaving the comfort and the security of her marriage, never. This is how it always goes, you just don't realize it yet... You sound like you speak from experience. Worst part is it was always her that wanted to talk about a future together, I began to believe in it and want it. Even asked this woman to marry me. Now she remains married and my life is in shambles. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Most people here are speaking from experience. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 How about this? Your A with the OW is over. Give it up. Get over her. Pour all that attention, passion, intensity, effort, etc into your wife. And see what kind of life you can bring back into your marriage. At one point, you loved this woman enough to promise to love her forever, so it is there somewhere. Affairs are going to be more intense and seem more passionate because in an affair, the focus is solely on each other. Not life. Your relationship with OW is done. Try actually working on your marriage. Give it time. If it doesn't work, it wasn't because you didn't try. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparrow22 Posted June 9, 2017 Author Share Posted June 9, 2017 How about this? Your A with the OW is over. Give it up. Get over her. Pour all that attention, passion, intensity, effort, etc into your wife. And see what kind of life you can bring back into your marriage. At one point, you loved this woman enough to promise to love her forever, so it is there somewhere. Affairs are going to be more intense and seem more passionate because in an affair, the focus is solely on each other. Not life. Your relationship with OW is done. Try actually working on your marriage. Give it time. If it doesn't work, it wasn't because you didn't try. I was thinking of something along these lines. I know some of you will say thats unfair to my wife and maybe it is. But I also know that she does want me to try. And perhaps if I put that much effort into the marriage it can be better than it ever was. And if that doesnt fix it at least I will know I tried and hopefully my wife will understand that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sampson Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 You should read this book now at this point.... google for it Not Just Friends by Dr. Glass Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 I was thinking of something along these lines. I know some of you will say thats unfair to my wife and maybe it is. But I also know that she does want me to try. And perhaps if I put that much effort into the marriage it can be better than it ever was. And if that doesnt fix it at least I will know I tried and hopefully my wife will understand that. As a BS, I don't think that is unfair to your wife. Because you are trying to put all the effort into saving your marriage. Now, if you were just sticking around not at all trying, then that would be unfair to your wife. But if you are giving it your all, and it doesn't work... you can walk away knowing you did give it your all and there will be little doubts you did the right thing (however, I think you will always wonder if you had done this BEFORE engaging in an affair, it may have been different). If your wife has desire to reconcile, and you are done with your affair... throw yourself into your marriage. Realize the OW is a lost cause. Understand that it would not have worked. Don't over romanticize your A. See it for what it was. And concentrate on your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 You should read this book now at this point.... google for it Not Just Friends by Dr. Glass I know people love to push this like it's a bible but how is it relevant in this case? No one is claiming to have been 'just friends' with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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