Got caught, still in love

[sparrow22]

As a BS, I don't think that is unfair to your wife. Because you are trying to put all the effort into saving your marriage. Now, if you were just sticking around not at all trying, then that would be unfair to your wife. But if you are giving it your all, and it doesn't work... you can walk away knowing you did give it your all and there will be little doubts you did the right thing (however, I think you will always wonder if you had done this BEFORE engaging in an affair, it may have been different). If your wife has desire to reconcile, and you are done with your affair... throw yourself into your marriage. Realize the OW is a lost cause. Understand that it would not have worked. Don't over romanticize your A. See it for what it was. And concentrate on your marriage.

 

I know that there is never any justifying an affair, but I felt like I gave my marriage 100% of my time and attention before the affair. I felt out of love and began to resent my wife bc I didnt feel like she cared. Once I pulled away and she realized my attention was elsewhere then she began to put forth some effort. And now that she knows about the affair and sees that leaving is a possibility she wants to try.

[lostgirl87]

I know that there is never any justifying an affair, but I felt like I gave my marriage 100% of my time and attention before the affair. I felt out of love and began to resent my wife bc I didnt feel like she cared. Once I pulled away and she realized my attention was elsewhere then she began to put forth some effort. And now that she knows about the affair and sees that leaving is a possibility she wants to try.

That's how it works sometimes. That's exactly what happened with my MM. I can't stay that he gave 100% before the affair b/c I wasn't there. I don't know their marriage. But when we were just friends, he did talk about some issues. He talked about even more issues once we were romantically involved.

 

Once the affair came out, his wife said she had taken him for granted and had made mistakes but that she wanted to try to fix it and asked him to give her a chance to change. Sometimes it's too little too late. Other times it works out. You'll never know unless you try.

[sparrow22]

My wife has admitted to her faults and neglecting me, she asked for forgiveness for it before she found out about the affair. Right now its all so fresh for both of us. She is dealing with my infidelity and I am dealing with how she feels about what I did, how I feel about what I did, and losing my AP...its just overwhelming and sometimes I just want to close my eyes and not wake back up.

[Stuck2532]

Realize the OW is a lost cause. Understand that it would not have worked. Don't over romanticize your A. See it for what it was. And concentrate on your marriage.

 

Truth! I wish I would've seen this sooner than I did, in my case. Especially the over-romanticize part.

 

Another poster also said that the feelings in an A are stronger because you are only focused on each other and not real life, not your wife, not your kids, not the consequences of the A in the first place. You are only focused on that other person, and not getting caught.

 

Don't do what many of us did and wallow in your own self pity. You need to try, man. Try hard to get your marriage back together. Try hard to forget the OW, she will only hold you back from getting your life back on track.

 

In your earlier posts you said you fell in love with the OW. Why do you say that? If you feel that strongly about her, it will be very difficult to open yourself up to R...think about that, because no matter how much you want to reconciliate, and no matter how much you love your kids, you will not be true to yourself and will end up hurting all of those you wanted to avoid hurting in the first place. Alone time helps. Talking to people helps. Therapy helps. Opening yourself up and being honest with yourself helps.

 

I've never thought about it like this before, but hear me out for a bit. You were walking around all happy with your life and stepped on some dog doo doo with this A (whether you thought at first it was a bad decision or not, I hope you now see that it wasn't). Maybe you didn't notice it was doo doo and you kept walking around, carrying the smell with you all day and thinking it was coming from those around you. But, if you do notice that it's you carrying around the stench, you'll find the best way to clean up...fresh grass, the corner of the sidewalk, some dirt...you would find a way to get clean...either that, or you'll throw your shoes away because there's no coming back from that kind of disaster.

 

You have a chance to fix yourself, IF it will be the best thing for everyone, and if it's something you want to do. If not, you might have to tap out and recognize your marriage did not work. That's ok too.

 

Hmph, maybe that metaphor wasn't the best for this situation. Sorry, I tried

[jenkins95]

Hi sparrow, big (((man hug))) to one man who has gotten himself into a mess from another man who got himself into a very similar mess! I know it sucks and we as the wayward spouses will get, and deserve, very little sympathy.

 

I stood in a very similar position to you about two years ago. If you have a look at some of my posts, I've often listed the reasons why I, when given the chance by my wife (thousands never get that chance), I chose to stay in my marriage and give it 100%. The first thing I want to say is that I don't regret it and we are rediscovering intimacy add connection in our marriage. But, as I'm sure you already know, it is very hard work with lots of bumps in the road. I really feel that we have made huge strides since the decision to reconcile, but it takes a long time to recover. The fact that I am still here shows that.

 

My opinion is to go for it unless you categorically know that you can never love your wife again. The power of conversation had amazed me. I was always fairly quiet as tended to brood over my worries and issues rather than share them with my wife. Now that I actively try to communicate better, or understanding of each other and connectedness feels so much stronger.

 

I have read several places that reconciling spouses should give a good year to giving 100% to the marriage before giving up. If you seriously don't think you can rescue it with your wife and/or have big doubts that you can reconnect in a year, it's probably best to end it now rather than to inflict further pain, disappointment and false hope. If you go for it, give everything, every minute and I reckon you'll get there - and apart from you and your wife, what a wonderful gift this would be for your children.

 

If things don't work out having given it everything for an extended period, then you can leave with dignity and hopefully as good friends....... But I really hope (as I don't think) it will come to that. Just as there are lots of stories of divorce here on LS, there are many stories of successful reconciliation. I really hope you'll be adding your own story to that list one day.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. I've stood in a very similar position to you, and it does get better. Hard work ahead, but the pure hell does not last forever.

 

Keep posting! We are here for you.

[Starswillshine]

My wife has admitted to her faults and neglecting me, she asked for forgiveness for it before she found out about the affair. Right now its all so fresh for both of us. She is dealing with my infidelity and I am dealing with how she feels about what I did, how I feel about what I did, and losing my AP...its just overwhelming and sometimes I just want to close my eyes and not wake back up.

 

Sorry if you already mentioned this, how long has it been over? And how long since your wife found out?

[Sampson]

I know people love to push this like it's a bible but how is it relevant in this case? No one is claiming to have been 'just friends' with anyone.

 

It's now where near a bible, and doesn't fix or address all the countless forms of infidelity. But the title is very misleading. It has more to do with the dynamics, communications, and relationships between all involved within an affair. It will be a good starting point and has great insight into how infidelity effects others without even being discovered. Think walls and windows. How a affair can cause a wayward spouse to build up walls and avoid his/her spouse, yet allowing the affair partner deeper inside (opening windows). Yet at the same time an affair is formed and thrives in secrecy and is a bubble relationship the two affair partners only allow each other to see or view what they want through that window. Keeping a wall up against real life issues, like bills, health, and responsibilities from creeping in.

 

There are other books but this one is an easy follow, read, and might help point the reader in the right direction.

[sparrow22]

Sorry if you already mentioned this, how long has it been over? And how long since your wife found out?

 

The affair has been over for little over a month and my wife just found out a couple weeks ago

[sparrow22]

It's now where near a bible, and doesn't fix or address all the countless forms of infidelity. But the title is very misleading. It has more to do with the dynamics, communications, and relationships between all involved within an affair. It will be a good starting point and has great insight into how infidelity effects others without even being discovered. Think walls and windows. How a affair can cause a wayward spouse to build up walls and avoid his/her spouse, yet allowing the affair partner deeper inside (opening windows). Yet at the same time an affair is formed and thrives in secrecy and is a bubble relationship the two affair partners only allow each other to see or view what they want through that window. Keeping a wall up against real life issues, like bills, health, and responsibilities from creeping in.

 

There are other books but this one is an easy follow, read, and might help point the reader in the right direction.

 

You are absolutely right, I know I did this. I built resentment towards my wife bc of our problems, and then built up walls using everyday stuff. Then allowed my AP into my world via that perfect window.

[Starswillshine]

The affair has been over for little over a month and my wife just found out a couple weeks ago

 

FAR too early to make any decision either way. For either of you. You both need time to process feelings. She may immediately want to fight for the marriage, and after the anger really sets in, she may want nothing to do with you... just as you are starting to see what the A and OW really is.

[sparrow22]

not sure i have any new feelings on the ow yet...still in love with her. If she called now Id probably sprint to her. miss her more than I can describe. my wife on the other hand is here and wants to work on the marriage.

logically i know where i should be, but my heart says otherwise

[lostgirl87]

not sure i have any new feelings on the ow yet...still in love with her. If she called now Id probably sprint to her. miss her more than I can describe. my wife on the other hand is here and wants to work on the marriage.

logically i know where i should be, but my heart says otherwise

Take some time to figure it out. You don't have to have final answers today or anytime soon. But if you genuinely feel that all it would take for you to leave your wife is your AP wanting to be with you then that's pretty telling.

 

Good luck. I can't imagine how you must feel.

[Sampson]

not sure i have any new feelings on the ow yet...still in love with her. If she called now Id probably sprint to her. miss her more than I can describe. my wife on the other hand is here and wants to work on the marriage.

logically i know where i should be, but my heart says otherwise

 

It's not your heart speaking to you it is your imagination and the fantasy land you created. It's not reality

 

Drunk drivers say the same thing about the being tipsy/drunk high, right up until they see the destruction of crashing their car into the family mini van one night.

Edited June 10, 2017 by Sampson

[sparrow22]

Idk...my heart still demands my ap...thinking of writing a letter, sending her a gift, I see where she doesn't have me blocked fb, I could reach out there...I just miss her so much.

 

I am truly in love with her

 

she left me, what am I to do?

[reboot]

Let your wife go. Let her find a man that loves her. She deserves better []. *shrug*

 

As far as your AP, you're not ever going to have her either, she chose her husband. She was always going to. []

Edited June 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Prohibited language

[MidnightBlue1980]

Idk...my heart still demands my ap...thinking of writing a letter, sending her a gift, I see where she doesn't have me blocked fb, I could reach out there...I just miss her so much.

 

I am truly in love with her

 

she left me, what am I to do?

 

Hi Sparrow. I'm sorry for your pain. I have been where you are exactly.

 

My thoughts:

 

I know you are dying inside over the OW. Been there. Trust me when I say in 6 months with NC you will probably feel better. I say probably because there are some here who do not recover but I suspect they feed the addiction. But I can tell you that if you maintain NC whatsoever, the pain does fade, the longing fades, the love goes away. I know you are thinking that it is different for you. Again, trust me that it is not. I felt what you are feeling and I'm promising you that what you are feeling is not unique. Its heartache and a breakup. You are going to feel bad for a while but then it will get better. As long as you do not feed it - think of it as recovery. You should block her as people have a habit of returning and only set our recovery back. No one could have been more stuck on someone than I was and I am totally over him.

 

Your wife - she knows and wants a chance to fix her marriage. You owe her that. Do it. I had the exact same situation, I wanted a divorce to go off and probably eat rat poison alone but my husband insisted on getting his chance to fix things. You cannot make big decisions at this time, your head is all messed up. It will take at least 6 months to get out of this fog and then another 1-2 years to fix your marriage. If it is not fixable, well, at least you both know you tried.

 

Your OW - she has broken things off. As a person who has made a complete fool out of myself and shown so little self respect for myself, allowing myself to be a doormat, do NOT send her gifts. Do not contact her. Have some self respect. The best message you can show someone who dumps you is that you don't give a crap. Even if it kills you inside. At least you will rebuild your self worth.

[BTDT2012]

You should tell your wife exactly how you feel and let her decide whether she wants to continue offering you the gift reconciliation.

[sparrow22]

Midnightblue

 

I have had others say the same thing, and I dont doubt that given enough time it will fade and heal. But I believe the ow and I belong together. We have split before and it always results in one of us tracking the other down. I love this woman with all that I have. And despite her saying its over forever she answered a email that I sent a few days ago to an account she told me she deleted. I know this woman and what she wants from me is to try.

[lostgirl87]

Nobody can tell you that what you feel is wrong or fake. That seems to be what everyone loves to say around here: affair love isn't real and you should stay married b/c that's real and your feelings for your AP will go away. How can anyone possibly know what someone else is feeling? Or what other people have experienced?

 

However, of you feel this way about your AP, you need to let your wife go. The longer you hold on to her the harder it is going to be for her. It isn't fair to stick around until you figure things out with AP. Even if you and your OW don't end up together, it's probably best you walk away from your wife. Your posts seem to only be concerned with AP. It sounds like you feel bad for hurting your wife but there's no love. Maybe I'm wrong. But that's how it's reading. Maybe take some time away and figure it out? Unless you know that you're sure...

 

Good luck!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnightblue

 

I have had others say the same thing, and I dont doubt that given enough time it will fade and heal. But I believe the ow and I belong together. We have split before and it always results in one of us tracking the other down. I love this woman with all that I have. And despite her saying its over forever she answered a email that I sent a few days ago to an account she told me she deleted. I know this woman and what she wants from me is to try.

 

I believe you, I really do. The thing is that she was the one to end it, right? To work on her marriage? I'm sure she does love you. Being a woman, I know how deep we fall. But at the end of the day, is she really willing to leave her husband to be with you?

 

That aside, you must realize this is that new love feeling, right? I am not discounting it, I have been there. I'm just saying that with distance, comes clarity. Typically people pick an AP to fit all their fantasies, not the reality of what they want in a partner.

 

But I divorced my ex husband with no regrets, so sometimes it is just a wrong fit. Only you know the difference. The question is, would you be happier on your own or with your wife? You cannot factor the OW into the equation as she may not leave and even if she does, these things tend not to work out. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was happier alone, and I was for 3 years. Can you say the same?

[sparrow22]

Midnightblue

 

she didnt end us bc she wanted to work on her marriage. she ended us bc the affair was long distance, and it became to much for her. It was going to be some time before we could be together and she couldnt do it any more

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnightblue

 

she didnt end us bc she wanted to work on her marriage. she ended us bc the affair was long distance, and it became to much for her. It was going to be some time before we could be together and she couldnt do it any more

 

I don't know what to tell you. Did she want you to leave your wife?

[jenkins95]

I believe you, I really do. The thing is that she was the one to end it, right? To work on her marriage? I'm sure she does love you. Being a woman, I know how deep we fall. But at the end of the day, is she really willing to leave her husband to be with you?

 

That aside, you must realize this is that new love feeling, right? I am not discounting it, I have been there. I'm just saying that with distance, comes clarity. Typically people pick an AP to fit all their fantasies, not the reality of what they want in a partner.

 

But I divorced my ex husband with no regrets, so sometimes it is just a wrong fit. Only you know the difference. The question is, would you be happier on your own or with your wife? You cannot factor the OW into the equation as she may not leave and even if she does, these things tend not to work out. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was happier alone, and I was for 3 years. Can you say the same?

 

Not for the first time, I find myself nodding in agreement at everything midnight says here (and in her other posts this thread). The reason being, midnight and I come from the same angle. Waywards spouses who got into a deep affair, went to heaven and hell and back, head all over the place for months, but ultimately went 100% into reconciliation. And, as it is working for us, we both want to shout it from the rooftops.

 

That's the thing about affairs and affair forums. There are distinct groups of people, based on their role in their affair and their experiences. Each will give a different perspective and different advice. Read all perspectives and compare/contrast as I'm sure you are doing.

 

One thing we'd probably all agree on is that if you know you can never love your wife (and your posts come across as though she is more like third prize, not even second), then you should leave.

 

However, the angle that midnight and I come from is that we know how difficult it is to trust your feelings from where you stand now. At one point, my OW could do no wrong in my mind and felt like she had been created just for me. My wife, on the other hand, could do no right.i started to rewrite or marital history in my mind and began questioning why we'd ever got married in the first place. Very dangerous mental place to be. It is extremely cruel and unfair how our minds can work.

 

I had to employ head over heart thinking and commit to it like my life depended on it. Months later and I could see it all for what it was. I was infatuated, it was "new love" as midnight says. When I think back, I had that "new love"with my wife many years back - it was bliss! But it doesn't last forever - life becomes "normal" eventually and it would even with the OW. It's ridiculous​to me now that I questioned why my wife as I got together in the first place - there was (and now is again) so much love, shared history and connection. But now I'm out of the fog and it's so much easier to think clearly than during and just after the affair.

 

Keep posting anyway sparrow. Not much new in this post, just encouraging you to take your time and use your head and logic as well as those tingly feelings in your heart. Good luck sparrow

Edited June 12, 2017 by jenkins95

[live2ndin]

@sparrow22, it is doubtful that continuing to pursue this A will give you any true happiness or fulfillment. Often the closest and most loving married couples are those that have been tested and have overcome a deep divide in their marriage. I heard a very interesting thing recently that I never gave much thought to, and that is when we marry we often promise to "love and cherish" our spouse but the word cherish is often forgotten. Cherish is a more intentional word in that it is an action that you can do that will lead your marriage in to deeper love. I would humbly suggest that you sort of go back to the basics with your wife. Start with asking for forgiveness, do everything from a place of love, and have the intention of cherishing your wife, starting small.

 

I hope for the best for you and your family.

[cocorico]

Assume you stay with your BW, and a year later - as planned - your MW comes looking to set up home with you. Would you feel your decision to recommit to your M was correct? If not, leave.

 

Assume you leave your BW, and a year later your MW is still with her BH, showing no signs of leaving. How would you feel about your decision then? If you would feel wronged, you are putting too much weight on her choices and not taking responsibility for your own.

 

She is choosing what's best for her, and - perhaps - her kids. She expects you to be doing the same. She cannot choose what's best for you - you must do that.

 

Others are correct about viewing your M on its own merits. It's not about a comparison with your A, nor a comparison between BW and MW. There lies the road to disappointment and bitterness. It has to be about you. Which version of yourself can you best live with - the husband to your BW and full-time father to your kids, or the xH and part-time father, who may or may not end up with the "love of your life" should she ever leave? Basically, are you more comfortable with the person you are isndie your M, or the person you are outside of it? That is all you can work with.

 

Remember also, while the MW is an uncertain bet, so is your BW. Right now she's willing to reconcile if you commit fully. She may find in time that her anger takes over, and changes her mind. She may yet kick you out ven if you choose to stay. She isn't a passive Plan B. She can change her mind if she sees you pining for MW, or simply because - once the insecurity of you leaving is gone - she decides she no longer wants to be with you. She has every right to change her mind at any point.