Got caught, still in love

[Inafishbowl]

I'm in the same situation as the OP.

I've been struggling w the NC w the OW.

I have been throwing myself into researching and understanding why affairs happen and how we actually love another person.

I suggest the OP does this too. It will move your focus off the AP at least for a little bit.

The "triangular theory of love" (Google it) explains alot if what we feel in an affair. Usually one side of the triangle. A very powerful side.

Our marraige usually provides 2 sides of the triangle.

Once I understood this it was easier to decide to stay w my wife.

Affair fog and limerence are good things to study and understand as well.

I'm giving it 100% to reconciliation.

It's not easy, some days are good, some are bad.

[sparrow22]

I understand limerance and affair fog. Im trying to work things out with my wife and I know this is hard for her. But my love is for another woman and finding the desire to be with my wife is hard, it feels wrong, I talk to her go out with her and wish she was someone else. I know my AP loves me and we had talks of being together. It just feels like I am betraying my AP by trying to fix things with my wife...I feel like its my AP that should be getting my focus and my love.

[BaileyB]

I understand limerance and affair fog. Im trying to work things out with my wife and I know this is hard for her. But my love is for another woman and finding the desire to be with my wife is hard, it feels wrong, I talk to her go out with her and wish she was someone else. I know my AP loves me and we had talks of being together. It just feels like I am betraying my AP by trying to fix things with my wife...I feel like its my AP that should be getting my focus and my love.

 

I feel badly for your wife. She deserves more than this.

 

You are so deep in affair fog that you have lost all touch with what is real, and what isn't real. You want, what you can't have. The other woman doesn't want to be with you anymore, yet you still chase her... Your heart is somewhere else, and because of that you are not fully invested in your family. It's very sad.

 

You must get your head on straight if you plan to stay with your family - or you should leave your wife. She deserves more than this.

Edited June 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[sparrow22]

She does deserve better than this. I really dont know what to do. My AP still wants to be with me, we patched things up. But she thinks I need to go through this process with my wife so I make the right decision. She doesnt want me to divorce for her then regret it later. So yes I hold on to the hope of being with my AP. I feel like I am trying to serve two masters here and its not working. My mind fights my heart constantly. My mind says yes give you marriage a chance, see if you can fix it. My heart says what are you doing???? you are hurting your wife, the woman you love and yourself by playing this game that you dont want to be a part of.

[rumblefish12]

She does deserve better than this. I really dont know what to do. My AP still wants to be with me, we patched things up. But she thinks I need to go through this process with my wife so I make the right decision. She doesnt want me to divorce for her then regret it later. So yes I hold on to the hope of being with my AP. I feel like I am trying to serve two masters here and its not working. My mind fights my heart constantly. My mind says yes give you marriage a chance, see if you can fix it. My heart says what are you doing???? you are hurting your wife, the woman you love and yourself by playing this game that you dont want to be a part of.

Sparrow - you have to go into this with your eyes wide open. The majority of WS in As don't leave their marriage. Among those that do, the vast majority of relationships fail within a few years. Just anecdotally, I'd say oftentimes within a couple of months the person knows they made a huge mistake. Right now you say you know about all that but nonetheless your head and heart and telling you two different things. THAT's the fog. THAT's limerance. The only way to clear the fog is to go an extended (or indefinite) period of NC with the AP. You can either allow the fog to clear while you're still with your wife and have an opportunity to save the marriage ... or have the fog clear after you've left your wife for the AP and realize it's a huge mistake.

 

I'm just talking percentages. Yours might be the real thing. The vast majority of them are not.

[lostgirl87]

What baffles me is how strangers on the internet can tell someone else that what they are feeling isn't real. That it's "the fog". How can you tell a person what THEY ARE FEELING?! Y'all say "your mind will clear after a few months of not speaking to AP". Um yeah. You go long enough without speaking to anyone and you'll slowly but surely get them out of your mind and heart. That doesn't happen b/c it's an AP. That's just how it works. People break up or divorce and after a few months, the people get over each other. Is that also a fog? No, it's called getting over someone and moving on with your life.

 

Look sparrow, you know what you're feeling And what you've experienced. You're right- this is unfair to your wife. Extremely unfair. I tell my MM this all the time: either stay with your wife b/c you love her and want her OR leave her. Don't factor me in to the equation b/c you and I are not guaranteed to work and I don't want you to holding this against me or resenting me. Don't consider your AP b/c you don't know what she's going to do. If she never came back, would you be happier with your wife or single? That's what you need to think about. Your wife doesn't deserve to be a backup. She's your wife. She's trying to move past this and work on a relationship with you. If you are only there b/c you're waiting for your AP, that's cruel. That's almost worse than actually cheating on her. The choice should be: do I want to be married or do I want to be single

 

You and your AP could work or you may never be together. I don't know that. Neither you nor your AP even know that. But you can't revolve your marriage around your AP. And you can't prolong the hurt to your wife. She's been through enough. Either be with her and work on getting over your AP OR leave your wife.

 

Easier said than done, I'm sure. But you have to figure it out. Good luck!

[Stuck2532]

For those that have been on the forum a little longer, how often does the WS that leaves the M end up with the OW/OM and actually remains with them?

 

I'm curious to know. Sparrow, no one can know the way you truly feel about this OW. BUT, we do know how we felt, and I'm so glad I joined this place so I could see that I wasn't the only one feeling like this. Many of us have been exactly where you are now. Maybe your feelings for the AP are real. Is that enough to overcome you divorcing your W and her divorcing her H? What will happen if that actually takes place? Now, do you want to still be with your wife or not? Would you rather NOT be with her, even if the AP doesn't leave her H?

 

These are all questions I asked myself when I was in your position.

[rumblefish12]

What baffles me is how strangers on the internet can tell someone else that what they are feeling isn't real. That it's "the fog". How can you tell a person what THEY ARE FEELING?! Y'all say "your mind will clear after a few months of not speaking to AP". Um yeah. You go long enough without speaking to anyone and you'll slowly but surely get them out of your mind and heart. That doesn't happen b/c it's an AP. That's just how it works. People break up or divorce and after a few months, the people get over each other. Is that also a fog? No, it's called getting over someone and moving on with your life.

 

Look sparrow, you know what you're feeling And what you've experienced. You're right- this is unfair to your wife. Extremely unfair. I tell my MM this all the time: either stay with your wife b/c you love her and want her OR leave her. Don't factor me in to the equation b/c you and I are not guaranteed to work and I don't want you to holding this against me or resenting me. Don't consider your AP b/c you don't know what she's going to do. If she never came back, would you be happier with your wife or single? That's what you need to think about. Your wife doesn't deserve to be a backup. She's your wife. She's trying to move past this and work on a relationship with you. If you are only there b/c you're waiting for your AP, that's cruel. That's almost worse than actually cheating on her. The choice should be: do I want to be married or do I want to be single

 

You and your AP could work or you may never be together. I don't know that. Neither you nor your AP even know that. But you can't revolve your marriage around your AP. And you can't prolong the hurt to your wife. She's been through enough. Either be with her and work on getting over your AP OR leave your wife.

 

Easier said than done, I'm sure. But you have to figure it out. Good luck!

I didn't mean to suggest that the feelings aren't real. And I also don't mean to say I know anything about his current circumstance. But I know that limerance is real and I know the fog is real. I've felt it, I've seen it. Over and over. And it's not as though I coined these terms. These things are discussed over and over again on here and everywhere that A's are the subject. Because they are real.

 

I only mean to say that there are many of us here who thought our situation was different, only to find out after time and anguish that it was pretty much the same pattern and same ****ty results. All I'm saying is understand the patterns before you decide that you're situation is different. If I can help one person avoid regret, then great. But we all have to decide for ourselves.

[somanymistakes]

For those that have been on the forum a little longer, how often does the WS that leaves the M end up with the OW/OM and actually remains with them?

 

Very few of us are willing to sit down and do the numbers to get an accurate percentage of posters.

 

In the time that I've been here I know there are... two or three? posters who are former OWs and now happily married to their MMs. The marriages happened before I joined the forum and are still going as far as I know. There's also one poster who is now in an open poly arrangement with her MM. I can't remember if that had already started before I got here or not. It is still going, although many posters chide her that it's doomed to fail eventually.

 

I can also think of one poster who truly believed she was about to get that happy ending, whose MM called her and told her to move in with him, the divorce was on, everything was going to be fine... and then a few weeks later it fell apart when he decided to cancel the divorce after all.

 

And I'm pretty sure there was one thread where her MM left his marriage but dumped her as well.

 

However, these are just the posters that I personally remember. And on the flipside I have no idea how many people I've seen come in here with breakups in the same time period, or how many people are still in limbo.

 

At a guess, most MM stay married.

[deadsoul]

I'm in the camp of giving it some time. Stay NC with AP. If you still have feelings for her and R isn't working for you, then do the right thing for your wife and let her go. It's easy to hang on because she wants to work things out. But it's not fair to her.

 

People that truly want to be together find a way.

[sandylee1]

With everything you've said, leaving your wife is the most sincere thing to do here.

 

You've fallen out of love with her and in love with another woman. This isn't how you'd want a daughter of yours to ever be treated.

 

Once you go, your wife can grieve the end of the marriage and begin to move on.

 

You can show your mistress you're committed to being with her and have done one honourable thing in this whole deception and set your wife free.

 

I'm amazed some BWs actually tolerate a spouse who isn't remorseful and is in love with his AP.

 

I guess love can be crazy from all perspectives.

[amomwhoknows]

Sparrow

 

You mentioned your AP is long distance. How do you envision moving forward? Does she have children?

 

In your mind-- what does your future with her look like geographically?

[cocorico]

For those that have been on the forum a little longer, how often does the WS that leaves the M end up with the OW/OM and actually remains with them?

 

There are a few of us here who've been M to our fMM for some years now. And others who've since left LS. But we are in the minority - judging by those here who don't land up together. Couples I know IRL seem to have higher odds of it working out than Rs represented on LS, which may be due to geography (most people here seem to be in the US; I'm not) or may be that this forum attracts more "desperate" situations which have less chance of working out, IDK. (Or, because of my own history, more people are willing to confide in me about their own A history?)

 

OP, my view is - if you're still in love with your AP, walk away from your M. Take a break from both Rs. Let the dust settle, and spend time alone. Then decide whether you want to pursue your OW as a SG, or try to start afresh with your BW, or spend longer alone, or pursue a new R with someone entirely else.

 

Your heart is not in reconciliation. At least not now. Don't waste everyone's time. You have only one life.

[Inafishbowl]

I understand limerance and affair fog. Im trying to work things out with my wife and I know this is hard for her. But my love is for another woman and finding the desire to be with my wife is hard, it feels wrong, I talk to her go out with her and wish she was someone else. I know my AP loves me and we had talks of being together. It just feels like I am betraying my AP by trying to fix things with my wife...I feel like its my AP that should be getting my focus and my love.

 

If you truly understand, you will come to the conclusion that your marraige will never compare to the affair in excitement and raw feelings.

It's a totally different type of love. The affair is not based on real life and the real world .

It's the escape from real life that is so intoxicating.

 

Sternbergs triangular theory of love breaks it down. Romantic love is the affair. It is not consummate love.

Your marriage is compassionate love.

It is not consummate love either.

 

You are stuck in two incomplete relationships. You need to decide which is best for you, if either one is.

 

I struggled with the same in my PA.

 

Honestly if my AP reached out at the wrong time I would be tempted to run to her.

I also know it's not a sustainable relationship.

 

My relationship with my wife is stable.

It's not perfect, it's not passionate like the affair, but it is stable.

We are closer now than we have been for years. When we reconciled there was a brief period of passionate love, that settled back to compassionate love rather quickly. I'm comfortable with that at this point.

 

I'm trying to give my marriage 100 percent, if it fails then it wasn't because of the distraction of the affair. That's over. It's the only fair way to try to reconcile.