Bumped into ex 1.5 years after breakup

[j21bird]

Here is the original thread for some back story:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/581562-question-women

 

And here are some updates since I last posted on here in October.

 

The last few months have gone really well for me as my business continues to grow. I keep getting bigger and better clients. As I was starting my business I was living at my parent's house, but with an increase in income, I moved out and now rent a decent house with a high school buddy.

 

Back in January my brother who lives on the other side of the country called me and told me that my ex had reached out to him to grab coffee as she was visiting the city he lives in in the upcoming days. They had not been in touch since we broke up. My brother is gay by the way.

 

My bother and her had become friends while we were dating. I told him I was ok with him meeting her for coffee. I told my bother to tell her that I say hello and that her and I should chat about work sometime as we both work in the same field. I did not put much thought into having my bother tell her that. Just wanted to take the high road.

 

They did meet for coffee a couple of days later and my brother said they just made small talk for a half hour and that there was really not any gossip that came up. He did tell her that I say hello and that we should talk work at some point.

 

I figured I would not hear from her and I was ok with that.

 

A week or two later I got an email from her saying that she was seeing someone and that we should not be talking other than only emailing about work. I did email her a couple of work questions and she responded promptly and her answers were detailed and thoughtful. I then felt that being relegated to only asking work questions was ridiculous and I never had any contact with her since that time in January.

 

Until yesterday:

 

I was in the downtown of the city her and I live in -a city of 3.5 million people.

 

I was walking down the street and looked up and noticed my ex was walking right next to me. Without thinking I said her name and we stopped and looked at each other for a long 10 seconds. I think we were both very startled. I then said I was downtown working on a project for a client. We looked at each for another 10 seconds and then she said she would let me get back to work. I walked away and did not look back. I felt a little light headed.

 

After walking a few steps I thought about turning back and seeing if she wanted to grab a coffee, but I did not.

 

I then slept on it and did not do anything. I then decided to email her today seeing if she wants to catch up and grab a coffee.

 

In a city this large, it is unlikely that I would ever bump into her again. Figured why not email her? I mean I don't want to be an old man and feel regret about not reaching out after such a random encounter.

 

We will see. Maybe she will respond to my email and maybe she won't.

[springy]

What is your motive here? The fact that she specifically said work only right from the jump kind of put up a 'don't even go there' sign IMO. She has a bf, and didn't take the opportunity chat with you when you saw her. What was her response to your email?

[Blanco]

Slippery slope here. The way you frame the whole thing, I think it's clear you're still not totally over her. There's nothing wrong with that. But as such, it's probably best not to initiate any sort of meet and catch up sessions. This is especially true because she's done the respectful thing to her current boyfriend by establishing strong boundaries with you.

 

I don't know either of you, but from the sounds of it, it seems like she's OK discussing work-related issues and nothing more. She doesn't hate you, but she doesn't sound interested in even a platonic friendship.

 

And I'll be honest: I think that's pretty cool of her. It shows she's respecting her current relationship by not even allowing the guise of a friendship with you exist.

[Marc878]

She's in a relationship and she's doing what a faithful gf does.

 

If there was a chance she'd contact you. She hasn't. You're meeting her told you there is no interest.

 

I see nothing here. It takes two man.

 

Sorry but you need to move on. Are you still blocked on her social media?

[j21bird]

No response from her.

 

I haven't looked at her social media in months, so not sure if I am still blocked but I assume I still am.

 

She might have her email set up so emails from my email address don't come through. So maybe she never got it. Oh well.

 

A college buddy told me she is single a couple months back, but I don't think that detail matters nor did it have an affect on me when he told me that.

 

I was certainly caught off guard seeing her and it had my head spinning for about 24 hours. But today was business as usual.

 

I am not going to be too hard on my self for having a bunch of thoughts about her after bumping into her. It is probably natural. It was totally unexpected and a blast from the past. Like I said, today was a pretty normal day for me. I thought about her a little but not a ton. I expect this to be just a random thing. I don't see this as turning into something that will knock me off me feet or turn into a step backwards.

 

Life is good for me right now and things are heading in a good direction.

 

Now that it was been a day since I sent the email, I think at least in part, there was likely some ego involved in emailing and wanting to share how well things have been going and how I have grown my business.

 

I mean we were together for a long time -9 years. At a couple of different points she showed me pictures online of the kind of engagement ring she wanted.

 

Ultimately I was not going to get engaged until I had my career heading in a positive direction. And I can honestly say that was that right thing for me. I am so much happier with my work these days. I was miserable for a long time with the jobs I had.

 

While we were together I tried my hand at different lines of work and was not happy. She probably did not see an end in sight and figured I would go from job to job for years to come. I just feel she gave up too soon and should have had more faith in me.

 

I believed in myself and listened to my gut. I knew that if I kept trying different things that I would find a line of work that agreed with me. I have built a successful business from scratch in a relatively short amount of time.

 

That was her choice to walk away when she did. To be honest there is frustration that the window with us is most likely completely shut as at this point I am currently doing so well and am really happy. She was around when I was in my 20s and struggling to find my path in life and now that I have found it, she is not around. Like I said that was her choice.

[Marc878]

No response from her.

 

I haven't looked at her social media in months, so not sure if I am still blocked but I assume I still am.

 

She might have her email set up so emails from my email address don't come through. So maybe she never got it. Oh well.

 

A college buddy told me she is single a couple months back, but I don't think that detail matters nor did it have an affect on me when he told me that.

 

I was certainly caught off guard seeing her and it had my head spinning for about 24 hours. But today was business as usual.

 

I am not going to be too hard on my self for having a bunch of thoughts about her after bumping into her. It is probably natural. It was totally unexpected and a blast from the past. Like I said, today was a pretty normal day for me. I thought about her a little but not a ton. I expect this to be just a random thing. I don't see this as turning into something that will knock me off me feet or turn into a step backwards.

 

Life is good for me right now and things are heading in a good direction.

 

Now that it was been a day since I sent the email, I think at least in part, there was likely some ego involved in emailing and wanting to share how well things have been going and how I have grown my business.

 

I mean we were together for a long time -9 years. At a couple of different points she showed me pictures online of the kind of engagement ring she wanted.

 

Ultimately I was not going to get engaged until I had my career heading in a positive direction. And I can honestly say that was that right thing for me. I am so much happier with my work these days. I was miserable for a long time with the jobs I had.

 

While we were together I tried my hand at different lines of work and was not happy. She probably did not see an end in sight and figured I would go from job to job for years to come. I just feel she gave up too soon and should have had more faith in me.

 

I believed in myself and listened to my gut. I knew that if I kept trying different things that I would find a line of work that agreed with me. I have built a successful business from scratch in a relatively short amount of time.

 

That was her choice to walk away when she did. To be honest there is frustration that the window with us is most likely completely shut as at this point I am currently doing so well and am really happy. She was around when I was in my 20s and struggling to find my path in life and now that I have found it, she is not around. Like I said that was her choice.

 

If it were me I'd tell her this. The timing was off. Saying it at this time is better than not saying it.

[j21bird]

Update:

 

So after I sent the email to catch up, I did not hear from her for a few days and figured she may have blocked my email long ago. I also figured that if she did read it, It was very unlikely that she would not respond.

 

After a couple days of not hearing from her I pushed it out of my mind telling myself if I have not heard back from her by now I would not be hearing back from her at all.

 

Then this morning she texted me via phone and said she would be at a coffee shop this afternoon and I could meet her If I wanted to.

 

I did meet her and we chatted for about an hour. I was not as nervous as I expected and other than the first couple of minutes it was not awkward at all.

 

I told her that things have been going well and my business has really grown. I told her that I was frustrated that I was a young guy in my 20s and wish I had more life experience at the time we were together and I had some growing up to do. I told her that I never saw her as a place holder or just a girl I was dating until something better came along.

 

I told her I was not bitter about us breaking up because I had to focus on growing up and finding/building a career that would make me happy. These words are true; I really feel that whether we never get back together or not. For me to grow and accomplish what I have in the last year and half since we broke up, could have only happened while I was single and could give as much focus and energy as possible to growing up and to my business. And the results have truly happened in a big way.

 

On a side note, some posters on here will write about how they have changed a ton since a break up and I smile when I read that because people will say that after only a month after a break and a few trips to the gym. Listen it takes months and months to change.

 

Towards the end of our chat she seemed to relax more and began telling me how things were going for her. She is a photographer and showed me some of her recent favorite photos. Our conversation was going in a great direction and then one of girl friends showed up at the coffee shop and sat down at our table. It was clear this was planned as a safety net, and I understand it. Of course her friend showed up when my ex was really beginning to let her guard down.

 

I did not want to wear out my welcome and figured it was time to take off. I asked my ex to walk out with me so I could say goodbye without her friend right there. We had a long hug and then said bye. I did not want to say anything along the lines of "I have missed you so much," so I simply gave her a hug and said bye.

 

Not sure what the next move is. She sure did look cute today.

 

Let me know what feedback you all have for me.

[Sweetfish]

The next move is you move on with your life..

 

It still sounds like you are trying to win her back... while telling us your cool how things go down heads or tails.

 

You polished your ego and told her business is going well and at the same time you blame your self for being young and dumb... well most of us are young and dumb because life kicks us in the arse and most of us are usually on training wheels at 20ish.

 

So in hind sight, instead of presenting your self as a man.. " You had to introduce your self as a man" How you've grown from boy to man. Why?

 

I"ll tell you what? Women Do not want to hear what great things you are... they want to see it.

 

She even put in a "safe guard" to make sure you get c***** blocked... so this show you where she places you in the value chain and how she currently feels about you.

 

So your next move is do nothing and live happy and of she wants in... she will tell you.

Edited June 14, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Marc878]

Update:

 

So after I sent the email to catch up, I did not hear from her for a few days and figured she may have blocked my email long ago. I also figured that if she did read it, It was very unlikely that she would not respond.

 

After a couple days of not hearing from her I pushed it out of my mind telling myself if I have not heard back from her by now I would not be hearing back from her at all.

 

Then this morning she texted me via phone and said she would be at a coffee shop this afternoon and I could meet her If I wanted to.

 

If there was zero interest she'd have never done that

 

I did meet her and we chatted for about an hour. I was not as nervous as I expected and other than the first couple of minutes it was not awkward at all.

 

Good

 

I told her that things have been going well and my business has really grown. I told her that I was frustrated that I was a young guy in my 20s and wish I had more life experience at the time we were together and I had some growing up to do. I told her that I never saw her as a place holder or just a girl I was dating until something better came along.

 

I think it's honest and forthright. Good explanation.

 

I told her I was not bitter about us breaking up because I had to focus on growing up and finding/building a career that would make me happy. These words are true; I really feel that whether we never get back together or not. For me to grow and accomplish what I have in the last year and half since we broke up, could have only happened while I was single and could give as much focus and energy as possible to growing up and to my business. And the results have truly happened in a big way.

 

Sounds reasonable

 

On a side note, some posters on here will write about how they have changed a ton since a break up and I smile when I read that because people will say that after only a month after a break and a few trips to the gym. Listen it takes months and months to change.

 

Yep, it's not a couple week or month thing

 

Towards the end of our chat she seemed to relax more and began telling me how things were going for her. She is a photographer and showed me some of her recent favorite photos. Our conversation was going in a great direction and then one of girl friends showed up at the coffee shop and sat down at our table. It was clear this was planned as a safety net, and I understand it. Of course her friend showed up when my ex was really beginning to let her guard down.

 

Odd she felt she needed a safety net. Hmmmm

 

I did not want to wear out my welcome and figured it was time to take off. I asked my ex to walk out with me so I could say goodbye without her friend right there. We had a long hug and then said bye. I did not want to say anything along the lines of "I have missed you so much," so I simply gave her a hug and said bye.

 

Nice move. Never do the needy, clingy thing. You stated your case very well. No need to go further. Nice timing. Sounds like you peaked her interest and may have left some room for a next time.

Not sure what the next move is. She sure did look cute today.

 

Let me know what feedback you all have for me.

 

If it were me and I was interested I'd send her a note. Thanking her for her time. It was great to see you, etc. play this carefully. Don't jump into any deep feelings, conversation or the past. Then see where it goes.

 

If she responds positively. I'd ask her to dinner if I was interested.

 

Don't project your feelings onto her. She may not have any but I doubt she'd have met you if there was nothing there. If she liked what she saw you may have an opening if that's what you want.

 

Be very cool. Interested but not smothering.

 

Good luck. These things rarely work out but there are exceptions

Edited June 14, 2017 by Marc878

[Marc878]

OP looking back jumping into a marriage when you weren't prepared is the worst thing you could have done. Long term it would have bred resentment and probably ended badly. She has her timetable and you have yours if those aren't synced up its a problem.

 

Time fixes a lot of things. It's too early to tell and for the most part these things never work out how we'd like them but it appears your reasons were valid and if she's smart she'll see that.

 

I'm pretty sceptical on issues like this and for the most part NC is the best path forward but nothing is ever written in stone.

 

If it were me and I was still interested I'd at least pursue this with a level head. You never know but she did reach out to you so there is something there.

 

Ease into this wisely. If you chase to hard they will move farther away but you can show some interest tactfully.

 

Good luck

[BC1980]

If it were me and I was interested I'd send her a note. Thanking her for her time. It was great to see you, etc. play this carefully. Don't jump into any deep feelings, conversation or the past. Then see where it goes.

 

If she responds positively. I'd ask her to dinner if I was interested.

 

Don't project your feelings onto her. She may not have any but I doubt she'd have met you if there was nothing there. If she liked what she saw you may have an opening if that's what you want.

 

Be very cool. Interested but not smothering.

 

Good luck. These things rarely work out but there are exceptions

 

I think this is good advice. I think it's usually a bad idea to pursue an ex, but it seems like this truly was a case of bad timing. I don't blame her for wanting to move on after 9 years of dating, but I also don't think you should have proposed to her if you weren't ready at that time. Your 20s can be a confusing time where you change a lot. Maybe something could be rekindled in time.

[teak]

If you want to maintain open communication and befriend her, that would be the next move. Just chat without seeing each other. Just check in and see how she's doing. Do not ask with the intent of anything other than finding out how she's doing. I think you might be on the verge of pushing too hard for something that isn't materializing yet. As another poster stated, women want to see the change, not be told about it. So just rebuild from a friend level and put your romantic feelings aside. If you are only being friends with her with the hope for reconciliation, you should leave her alone.

[j21bird]

I have not contacted her since we had coffee and I don't plan on contacting her in the days to come.

 

While at coffee the other day she told me she tore a disk in her back while exercising. She said the doctor is giving it two more weeks to see if it shows it is healing on its own or she will be getting surgery. Form what she said it sounds like it will likely be surgery.

 

I am planning on touching base in a couple weeks to see how things are going with her back injury.

[Marc878]

If you're still interested I wouldn't wait too long.

[j21bird]

Marc878,

 

I was questioning if two weeks would be too long.

 

I will keep you all posted.

[Marc878]

Sounds like you peaked her interests. Two weeks is way to long.

 

Don't overwhelm but if your interested show it.

 

IMO a nice card is good. Nothing mushy. I'd say it was great to see you again. Thanks for having coffee with me. You look great!!!

 

Just sign your name no mention of love, past relationship. Keep it simple.

 

The thought will mean more than anything you could say.

 

It's a nice personal touch

[Sweetfish]

Sounds like you peaked her interests. Two weeks is way to long.

 

Don't overwhelm but if your interested show it.

 

IMO a nice card is good. Nothing mushy. I'd say it was great to see you again. Thanks for having coffee with me. You look great!!!

 

Just sign your name no mention of love, past relationship. Keep it simple.

 

The thought will mean more than anything you could say.

 

It's a nice personal touch

 

 

Meh... I won't send a card.

 

Question? would she send you a card if you were in the same position.

 

I think your putting in too much effort.

[Popsicle]

If it were me and I was interested I'd send her a note. Thanking her for her time. It was great to see you, etc. play this carefully. Don't jump into any deep feelings, conversation or the past. Then see where it goes.

 

If she responds positively. I'd ask her to dinner if I was interested.

 

Don't project your feelings onto her. She may not have any but I doubt she'd have met you if there was nothing there. If she liked what she saw you may have an opening if that's what you want.

 

Be very cool. Interested but not smothering.

 

Good luck. These things rarely work out but there are exceptions

 

I think this is good advice too.

 

I hope it works out for you!

[Bromeo]

Meh... I won't send a card.

 

Question? would she send you a card if you were in the same position.

 

I think your putting in too much effort.

 

I've been on this board for about a year now, and sweet is usually on point.

 

Agreed, don't scrape for her attention. You are doing great, and are worth just as much as she is.

 

The friend showing up thing would have turned me off completely. It shows her level of interest. If you were a non abusive, decent man, why would she feel like this measure was needed? Was she worried you planned to kidnap her? Get real.

 

Some people, and some women take everything to the extreme. OMG HE WANTS COFFEE HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED ZOMG GIRL HELP ME. rubbish. Reeks of immaturity.

 

A handwritten card conveys effort and thought, which honestly she hasn't earned at this point.

 

Send a single text, "...great seeing you, let me know if you'd like to get together sometime", leave it at that. Walk away at that point.

 

Stay centered on you, your purpose, your hobbies. Professionally you sound like you are doing great.

 

Since I've been focused on my own garden, this has been the happiest time in my life. And great things have been occurring consequently.

 

Be safe.

[j21bird]

Two days after we had coffee I sent her a short email thanking her for her time and told her she looks good. Told her I hope things go well with her back -she injured her back while exercising and may need surgery.

 

She showed me some of her recent photography work while we had coffee and I told her in the email that I enjoyed looking at her photos.

 

I left the email open and did not mention anything about planning to meet up.

 

It has been getting close to a week since I sent the email and have not heard back.

 

If there were some interest on her part, I bet I would have heard from her by now. I don't see there being another move to make on my part other than going back to full NC as I was in the months before we bumped into each other.

 

If I never see her again, which feels very likely at this point, at least the last time I saw her it ended with a hug.

 

A part of me feels like, what was the point of us crossing paths a year and a half later ?? Felt like the universe was playing a bit of a joke on me to get my hopes up after bumping into her.

 

But maybe it was so I could see her one last time, have one last cup of coffee, one last conversation, acknowledge to her that I had some things to learn in my 20s and have one last hug.

[springy]

My thoughts are either she is not interested OR you left the email so open she felt no response was necessary... although one would think she would at least thank you for the compliments. Maybe she hasn't seen it yet, possibly?

 

Thoughts on coincidental meetup - sometimes things really do "just happen". Not every odd occurrence is a sign of anything beyond what you see at face value. (I used to think like that but not so much anymore). Perhaps the purpose, if any, was to put a more pleasant "the end" on the breakup.

 

Not sure how badly you want to see her again, but perhaps you should be a little more direct? Something along the lines of telling her you would like to meet up again? Idk. May as well go all out in order to not be left with lingering questions. Then again, her silence may be your answer - but who really knows? Perhaps she'll respond in another week or so.

[Sweetfish]

Two days after we had coffee I sent her a short email thanking her for her time and told her she looks good. Told her I hope things go well with her back -she injured her back while exercising and may need surgery.

 

She showed me some of her recent photography work while we had coffee and I told her in the email that I enjoyed looking at her photos.

 

I left the email open and did not mention anything about planning to meet up.

 

It has been getting close to a week since I sent the email and have not heard back.

 

If there were some interest on her part, I bet I would have heard from her by now. I don't see there being another move to make on my part other than going back to full NC as I was in the months before we bumped into each other.

 

If I never see her again, which feels very likely at this point, at least the last time I saw her it ended with a hug.

 

A part of me feels like, what was the point of us crossing paths a year and a half later ?? Felt like the universe was playing a bit of a joke on me to get my hopes up after bumping into her.

 

But maybe it was so I could see her one last time, have one last cup of coffee, one last conversation, acknowledge to her that I had some things to learn in my 20s and have one last hug.

 

 

 

Feel better you didnt send a card which would have introduced the year and a half of NC with more pain.

 

Men, more often years later buy that old car they had in highschool or college. They love the old feel and want to be taken back.. no matter how hard it is to tune the carb or how hard to get parts we like to go back.. we like to fix things. Women more often move forward and rather op for the 2018 car and wouldnt bare to deal with the issue of something old (old issues, same problems (with the exception of old homes and fixer-uppers) once a relationship is over they dont want to get back into the ole model unless they simply cannot find a better model. (Men do this too, but for women it can take years to realize you were the best model)

 

Think of the value chain. She brought someone to c**k block you meaning she felt more valuable and desired than she did you.

 

That was your que that she has no interest and even tbough she hasnt responded it can take her a minute to process whats going on.

[BC1980]

If she didn't even answer the email, it sounds like she is done. I was going to say that you could try to be more direct, but it looks a little desperate to send another email at this point.

[j21bird]

I don't see there being another move to make. I think it is the end of that chapter.

 

No mater what I wrote in the email, just as long as it was not way over the top or something that made her uncomfortable, I would have heard back if there was some interest on her part.

 

I am glad I was able to see her one last time.

 

Moving forward.