Daisydooks Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 It sounds as though you're the glorified maid Please read up on the 180. Xo I'm so sorry this has happened to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 To answer the question yes I'm sure things are done there. There are some legal issues with my wife's friends kids that are currently staying with us that caused the issues between them. The additional kids have brought in more stress into our life's but overall this is a good thing for now as there are other options for them. First, things may be done for now between your wife and the other man (OM), but that is not the same as it being permanently done between them. Saying that is giving her the benefit of the doubt that it is even done right now, instead of just a short temporary break because an argument. One thing that is very telling is that when you were too sick to visit the OM with her, your wife picked taking care of the other man over taking care of you. Also, although you were too sick to visit the OM with her, she left you to take care of her dead friend's children by yourself so that she could be with the other man. Sorry but you are being conned. If your wife really wanted to do the right thing by her dead friend, all of her attention would have been focus on the dead friend's children and not on in effect dating her dead friend's boyfriend. This whole thing you have about this happening with the best of intentions on your wife's part is bull, and not in keeping with cold hard fact that while you were tied down at home looking after the dead friend's children, your wife was cheating with the OM. BTW, your wife did this knowing that if you divorced her over the cheating, there would be no way that this would be good for the dead friend's children. Your wife is not an innocent in this, so please stop implying that she is. She played you for the fool plain and simple; there was no platonic reason for her to spend so much time with the OM just because the friend died. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Can you outline your reasons for staying married? What what you see as the pluses or minus if you divorce ? Just asking you to kind of list pluses and minus to staying or going. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Black Knight Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 To start off I'm sorry to hear that your wife thought so little of you and her children to do this. Secondly, if she wants to shift blame at counseling and never reveal her own faults its time to cut her down size. It kills me that women love to point the finger but never look at their own short comings. Did you point out her failures? If you didn't you should have marriage is a two way street . Its time too show her that she can't walk over you and use her lame excuses for her wreck less behavior. Give her an ultimatum either she starts pulling her weight in the home or get a job to help you or she can leave. Especially if she has no remorse for cheating she could pull any rabbit out of the air and give you another excuse for her sneaking around. Give her your demands about this marriage and stick to your guns! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Niffbadger Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 One thing that is very telling is that when you were too sick to visit the OM with her, your wife picked taking care of the other man over taking care of you. This is a very good point here, originally when it occurred I briefly thought about this and believe it would of been a selfish thing to say as she was grieving. The more and more I've thought about it, I do find it as BS. I ended up being out of work for a week and stayed sick for 1.5 months overall. If your wife really wanted to do the right thing by her dead friend, all of her attention would have been focus on the dead friend's children and not on in effect dating her dead friend's boyfriend. This whole thing you have about this happening with the best of intentions on your wife's part is bull, and not in keeping with cold hard fact that while you were tied down at home looking after the dead friend's children, your wife was cheating with the OM. During this time the kids were in custody of the State, so nobody had contact with them. But I do get what you are saying here, in either fashion her focus was not right. BTW, your wife did this knowing that if you divorced her over the cheating, there would be no way that this would be good for the dead friend's children. Your wife is not an innocent in this, so please stop implying that she is. I've thought about this a lot as I realize the direction I'm going will likely impact not only my kids but the other kids. But I'm to the point where I have given all I can and feel like I'm receiving minimal support from my wife. Eventually I have to focus on myself instead of worry about everyone else. I wasn't implying that my wife was innocent in what had happened. Certainly I could of handled things differently, but in all reality I probably would of just left if I started that route originally after it occurred. I slowed things down so that I could make a rash decision. Which I'm to that point in this whole ordeal now. Even though it sounds silly my intentions are to have a conversation with her and lay out options of either her putting in effort or one of us moving out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Excuses are used to justify actions. In reality there is no good excuse. Most just can't fathom their spouse cheating so they look for reasons to explain it. I suspect when it comes down to it if you really look hard it's as simple as because she wanted to. You like most are in denial and until you wake up you'll stay there. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Excuses are used to justify actions. In reality there is no good excuse. Most just can't fathom their spouse cheating so they look for reasons to explain it. I suspect when it comes down to it if you really look hard it's as simple as because she wanted to. You like most are in denial and until you wake up you'll stay there. This is a very good post. As a former cheater, I have analysed my own affair from 100s different angles, have read 1000s of articles and posted 100s of posts to understand my own affair, the complex dynamics involved, how I could do it, why did I let it happen, etc. Now, none of that is wasted effort and it has given me a lot of insight into what happened, why and how I should proceed now. But things can be looked at at different levels of granularity and as a result, often over complicated. At the simplest level, I had an affair because: - A chance presented itself I didn't resist I was weak I pushed away all negative thoughts and red flags I was selfish I wanted it. As you say, Marc878, you often don't need to dig any deeper than that for reasons. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 This is a very good point here, originally when it occurred I briefly thought about this and believe it would of been a selfish thing to say as she was grieving. The more and more I've thought about it, I do find it as BS. I ended up being out of work for a week and stayed sick for 1.5 months overall. As I said before, there was no platonic reason for your wife to spend so much time with the boyfriend after the friend died. She should have grieved with her husband, and not with the boyfriend. When my wife's friend died, we visited the husband together a few times, but the idea of my wife repeatedly spending time alone with him, never entered my wife's mind. Add in that the other man (OM) was a boyfriend and not the dead friend's husband or father of her children, and your wife's desire to spend so much time alone with the OM was not platonic in motivation. I am guessing that there was always a spark between them, that they both wanted to explore once the friend died. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 She certainly stepped over boundaries... and there is no excuse...but I will say... lots of affairs do happen after trauma.... ptsd certainly can affect judgement. She lost her best friend... he lost his wife... both of them showed poor lack of judgement. I am speculating... but once they both get past this grieving... they may both truly come to regret what they have done and realization it was a huge mistake...they may even be totally embarrassed by what they have done. They may even realize they really don't even like each other. Meanwhile the poor husband has to deal with the aftermath. I don't even know what to suggest for him other than to tell him to get into therapy to try to get some help to figure this out in his own mind. It sucks... no doubt about it. Really sad all the way around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Niffbadger Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 Can you outline your reasons for staying married? What what you see as the pluses or minus if you divorce ? Just asking you to kind of list pluses and minus to staying or going. Yeah I've asked myself this a few times over the past few months. Pros: Even though this happened, I still do care for her and love her. I do find myself quite often trying to relate to the decisions she made but honestly I can't. What she did was beyond wrong. I feel as if she was in a dark hole and asked for my help to get out. While helping her to get out she kicks the ladder away. Leaving us both stuck in a dark place. I'm very familiar with her. Starting over seems a bit overwhelming or at least at this point in my life. I really enjoy the adventures we have done. My wife is great on planning stuff for us to go out and does a family. I'm comfortable talking to her. I like that she realizes that I typically don't do things or spend money often for myself. So she surprised me at times with neat things or doing some difficult chore. She does a great job with the kids and managing complex schedules for after school events etc. Recently this hasn't been the case as her mind has been scattered. Cons: Probably the biggest issue I have is how things are being handled. There is a huge avoidance on her part to be accountable. I've been open and honest with my faults that we have had in our relationship, but she has not. When I've discussed with her about where she thinks we are I get a very basic answer as we are fine. Which I truly struggle with. Even if she feels as if we were fine from her part, I'm still not fine. Right now I feel as if she isn't putting in true effort into our relationship. The basics of holding my hand or saying love you is not enough to me. Kind of a long term issue my wife has always been short tempered and jumps to conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 She lost her best friend... he lost his wife... both of them showed poor lack of judgement. Correction of fact. The other man (OM) was not the dead friend's husband or even the father of her children. He was a boyfriend. If the children are young and not his, he was a boyfriend of a few years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Niffbadger Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 As I said before, there was no platonic reason for your wife to spend so much time with the boyfriend after the friend died. She should have grieved with her husband, and not with the boyfriend. When my wife's friend died, we visited the husband together a few times, but the idea of my wife repeatedly spending time alone with him, never entered my wife's mind. Add in that the other man (OM) was a boyfriend and not the dead friend's husband or father of her children, and your wife's desire to spend so much time alone with the OM was not platonic in motivation. I am guessing that there was always a spark between them, that they both wanted to explore once the friend died. Yeah this is probably a quite true statement. I originally found it to be odd but in reality had full trust in my wife to not have this become an issue. Looking back she wasn't thinking rationally from the beginning of this. I can't really change the past or keep myself questioning if I should of could of done things differently. The only thing I really can do now is focus on a path that ultimately makes me happier. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Correction of fact. The other man (OM) was not the dead friend's husband or even the father of her children. He was a boyfriend. If the children are young and not his, he was a boyfriend of a few years. Thank you for correcting that information for me.. while he still is suffering it certainly does slant things differently. Does make you go hmmmm doesn't it? Well I still sure am sorry for her husband... Thanks again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I too wondered why the children were wards of the State and not with O/M, that explains it, he didn't have a legal right to them. I also agree that there was chemistry between your wife and O/M from way before her friends passing. I think they would have found a way to be alone regardless. What is troubling is her refusal for independent counselling, she's not 100% for your marriage. Don't wait around for her to decide, decide what is best for you, staying with someone that isn't sure they want to be with you isn't worth the effort. Talk to a lawyer, get informed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I too wondered why the children were wards of the State and not with O/M, that explains it, he didn't have a legal right to them. I also agree that there was chemistry between your wife and O/M from way before her friends passing. I think they would have found a way to be alone regardless. What is troubling is her refusal for independent counselling, she's not 100% for your marriage. Don't wait around for her to decide, decide what is best for you, staying with someone that isn't sure they want to be with you isn't worth the effort. Talk to a lawyer, get informed. I must admit that when I first started haunting this website, I thought some of the advice was too focused on filing for divorce, and that was too harsh. I have come to realize what most BS's already knew; being strong, confident and assertive is the best way to handle it. Filing for divorce can be a HUGE wake up call to a WW, and can really force the issue forward. In many cases, it can even kick-start reconciliation if that's what you want, and if your WW snaps out of fantasy land. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 You said that you made analytic decisions in your life. Well, it's time to be analytical. You have to decide exactly what you want in this marriage. Do you want a marriage with love and a good relationship; do you want to live as roommates and stay together for the children; do you want an open marriage and take turns doing your own thing? You have to establish what you want. And you have to tell your wife all your thoughts on the subject and get her thoughts and tell her to decide what she wants. Right now you are just going around in circles. I do like the ideal of setting a time line for a decision. Like others, I also think you should see a lawyer and see what your situation entails. I do wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 From every thing you described, sound like the typical emotional affair turned into a serious physical affair. It sounds like there is a good chance the affair is still going on. She appears to be committed to staying faithful to her other man. Interesting how the time line matches up here... Wayward wife hasn't been happy with the marriage for two years. Her girlfriend's boyfriend has been around for two years. Fight or no fight, your wife isn't even treating you like her plan B back up. It sounds like she thinks she is in Love with the other man. The way you describe it, all of her emotional loyalty, love, desire, allegiance, and respect appears to dedicated to the other man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 (edited) Yeah I've asked myself this a few times over the past few months. Pros: Even though this happened, I still do care for her and love her. I do find myself quite often trying to relate to the decisions she made but honestly I can't. What she did was beyond wrong. I feel as if she was in a dark hole and asked for my help to get out. While helping her to get out she kicks the ladder away. Leaving us both stuck in a dark place. I'm very familiar with her. Starting over seems a bit overwhelming or at least at this point in my life. I really enjoy the adventures we have done. My wife is great on planning stuff for us to go out and does a family. I'm comfortable talking to her. I like that she realizes that I typically don't do things or spend money often for myself. So she surprised me at times with neat things or doing some difficult chore. She does a great job with the kids and managing complex schedules for after school events etc. Recently this hasn't been the case as her mind has been scattered. Cons: Probably the biggest issue I have is how things are being handled. There is a huge avoidance on her part to be accountable. I've been open and honest with my faults that we have had in our relationship, but she has not. When I've discussed with her about where she thinks we are I get a very basic answer as we are fine. Which I truly struggle with. Even if she feels as if we were fine from her part, I'm still not fine. Right now I feel as if she isn't putting in true effort into our relationship. The basics of holding my hand or saying love you is not enough to me. Kind of a long term issue my wife has always been short tempered and jumps to conclusions. Ya I hear ya - familiarity, comfort, similar liked family activities. So what happens if you divorce ? You mention fear of starting over What do you see as the possible pluses and minus ? How old are your kids, how old are you, would you have enough money, do you think you could date again and find some nice gals ?etc. Glad you are thinking of all this. I have at times considered divorce (for various reasons) - but i am pretty darn good a picturing potential outcomes - and I dont see a better life in most things waiting for me at this time. However plenty of people have seen a better future after divorce and went after it. I think you do have to decide "does my wife love and/or respect me?" Best wishes Edited June 13, 2017 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 A question comes to mind. What did your wife's girl friend die from? What kind of serious illness did you coincidentally suffer from shortly after the death of the other mans girlfriend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Niffbadger Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 You said that you made analytic decisions in your life. Well, it's time to be analytical. You have to decide exactly what you want in this marriage. Do you want a marriage with love and a good relationship; do you want to live as roommates and stay together for the children; do you want an open marriage and take turns doing your own thing? You have to establish what you want. And you have to tell your wife all your thoughts on the subject and get her thoughts and tell her to decide what she wants. Right now you are just going around in circles. I do like the ideal of setting a time line for a decision. Like others, I also think you should see a lawyer and see what your situation entails. I do wish you well. Thank you for your post. I'd only be willing to have one of two options: 1. Figure a way to work things. 2. Figure a way for me to get t out of the relationship. I wouldn't be willing to do anything else. I do agree with you the routes I've gone with have been very ineffective. That's why I'm to the point that I need to let her know how serious things are and let her make her choice on what type of effort she is willing to put in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Hi Niffbadger, guess you are at a very difficult point in your life. Having read through your thread I get the feeling that your wife does not regret what she has done forget about her being anywhere near remorseful. As others have said, she probably already had a spark going for her friend's Boyfriend and her death provided just the right opportunity for her to get together with her friend's partner. With you sick at home and probably needing care and attention yourself she just left you to your own devices and went to comfort her OM in pretty cozy and intimate ways. If nothing else, this should show you where her loyalties lie. Your wife has suffered NO consequences for her complete and utter betrayal of you and her family. She is expecting you to sweep things under the carpet and carry on as if everything is Tickety boo. If you accept this state and think that your marriage is going to somehow survive, think again. Yes it can survive in these circumstances if you suck it up, swallow your pride and manhood and tie yourself to her petticoat strings. Otherwise, a few years down the line or maybe a few months from now your wife will ditch you and move in with her OM or some other OM down the road. She will do this because she had established that you will not stand up for your self, you are tied to her petticoat strings and because she has lost all respect for you. If this is how you see yourself going forward then at least you know what you are signing up for. Warm wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I'm to the point that I need to let her know how serious things are and let her make her choice on what type of effort she is willing to put in. In that case I would sit her down tonight and tell her: "I am going to file for divorce unless you can prove to me that you're committed to fixing this" And in a week's time, if your faith in her hasn't improved, file. If she is unwilling to even try, file immediately. If she tries to guilt trip you or accuses you of being unfair or making ultimatums, file immediately. If she won't discuss it like an adult, file immediately. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Shouldn't even be up for debate this marriage should be over with you come off very weak and that is so unattractive so you know your wife just a cheating piece of ****... The best thing for you to do maybe act like you have some strength and divorce her ASAP. I wouldn't want to spend one second being around her little less being married to her Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 .... After the incident my wife and I started to go over to her best friends boyfriends house to help him process and grieve. We would go over to his house everyday or every other day to help out around his house and to talk. A little over a week past I became very sick..... . Hopefully it wasn't due to eating or drinking something... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Hopefully it wasn't due to eating or drinking something... Wow I never even thought about that but yeah.!!! Hello good job QuietDan.! OP how did you get sick and what kind of sick what is it.? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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