My wife had an affair

[QuietDan]

She did not have intercourse. She said she was in an emotional relationship, kissed, and inappropriate touching.

 

The advantage of posting in this forum is that, sometimes people involved in these situation are at times too close to the situation and get lost and confused by the lies, minimization, and interpersonal relationship mindgames.

After reading your posts, the information conveyed, what you have described about all of your wifes actions, reactions, comments, ect. ..

Is a lot more consistent with a woman who had a full blown physical affair pretty much having non stop sec every chance she got with the other man than with the 13 year old girl caught kissing on the couch with her boyfriend when Dad walks in on them....

It seems like your wife acts more like a teenager getting scolded by her Dad then a regretful wayward wife trying to save her marriage.

After following hundreds of these threads for close to a decade now, plus a whole lot of hard knock life lessons...

It is a whole lot more likely she was having all sorts of wild unihibited normally taboo sex with the other man.

 

Reading through your post, most of her behavior is much more typical with with that sort of affair/cheating activity. Almost to the point, wasn't even a question in my mind she wasn't having wild monkey sex.

[Marc878]

She did not have intercourse.She said she was in an emotional relationship, kissed, and inappropriate touching.

 

Admitted kissing in an affair = sex. Sorry man but you're in the betrayed spouse syndrome.

 

You want desperately to believe it was only an emotional affair because the truth is too hard to take. So you're more than willing to believe the lies.

 

Looking for excuse to justify somehow because you can't believe your wife could ever betray you

 

Most will stay in denial for a time. You are definitely there.

 

Better wake up

Edited June 14, 2017 by Marc878

[Niffbadger]

The advantage of posting in this forum is that, sometimes people involved in these situation are at times too close to the situation and get lost and confused by the lies, minimization, and interpersonal relationship mindgames.

After reading your posts, the information conveyed, what you have described about all of your wifes actions, reactions, comments, ect. ..

Is a lot more consistent with a woman who had a full blown physical affair pretty much having non stop sec every chance she got with the other man than with the 13 year old girl caught kissing on the couch with her boyfriend when Dad walks in on them....

It seems like your wife acts more like a teenager getting scolded by her Dad then a regretful wayward wife trying to save her marriage.

After following hundreds of these threads for close to a decade now, plus a whole lot of hard knock life lessons...

It is a whole lot more likely she was having all sorts of wild unihibited normally taboo sex with the other man.

 

Reading through your post, most of her behavior is much more typical with with that sort of affair/cheating activity. Almost to the point, wasn't even a question in my mind she wasn't having wild monkey sex.

 

You bring up a good point here with regards to being out if the situation sometimes gives you another prospective as potentially my mind could be clouded for how I am feeling currently.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean you are right or wrong for the scenario you listed out. But for me moving forward I have to see what she is willing to do and based on her actions how much I trust what she tells me. This conversation was the real conversation where I'm at and what I'm willing to accept.

 

I honestly have no clue if things will improve or if she can do much to change what happened. Her actions for the next while will have to speak towards that.

 

During this whole event I became very closed off. I was unwilling to talk to anyone and took a bad approach to try and "fix" potential faults. Honestly looking back I see that piece, but certainly didn't while in the weeds.

[GoldenR]

She did not have intercourse. She said she was in an emotional relationship, kissed, and inappropriate touching.

 

 

Come on, Niff!!! Don't tell me you believe that!!! Did he also pick a flower for her and ask her to hold hands???

 

Adults don't just miss and touch when they're sneaking around. THEY. JUST. DON'T. Another thing...

Wives of 16+ years don't come home and say they think they want out of the marriage bc they kissed another man. They do that bc they've had sex with another man, and usually a lot of it.

 

So you need to come to grips with this --- They had sex....a lot of sex. And now she only wants sex with him, and won't have it with you. However, it seems as if loverboy no longer wants her, now that they've been found out. So what does wifey do? She goes back to good, ole reliable, safe & secure, hubby, aka Plan B. But she just doesn't want to have sex with him. Why? Bc she's not over her other man!

 

And this is ok with you?!?!

 

Polygraph asap.

[QuietDan]

From what you have mentioned, She sounds like she is passive, reactive, with a go along to get along no longer care about the little things tgat use to set her off with you mode. She is looking at you, responding to what you are saying, while her mind and emotions are preoccupied with some one else. In all likelihood, she is thinking about the last and next sexting exchange. She is probably, thinking about the last hot sex encounter and planning the next. She isn't doing the work required to try to save the relationship, because most of her real focus and energy is being invested in another relationship.

It sounds like you are on hold listening to the waywards standard best of the hits music while she is still working on trying to chase the other man and close the deal on another line.

[Niffbadger]

How will you ever know that she still isn't chatting him up behind your back ? Her word ? Is that going to be enough?

 

She has shown that she isn't trustworthy and is capable of hurting you. How do you know the other guy is gone forever?

 

So yeah with this this specific guy there are legal reasons that she wouldn't have contact. However that doesn't stop other potential people.

 

So as far as the trust piece I am giving her the opportunity to earn it. If she can't in a timely manner then obviously her commitment to me isn't there.

[Niffbadger]

Come on, Niff!!! Don't tell me you believe that!!! Did he also pick a flower for her and ask her to hold hands???

 

Adults don't just miss and touch when they're sneaking around. THEY. JUST. DON'T. Another thing...

Wives of 16+ years don't come home and say they think they want out of the marriage bc they kissed another man. They do that bc they've had sex with another man, and usually a lot of it.

 

So you need to come to grips with this --- They had sex....a lot of sex. And now she only wants sex with him, and won't have it with you. However, it seems as if loverboy no longer wants her, now that they've been found out. So what does wifey do? She goes back to good, ole reliable, safe & secure, hubby, aka Plan B. But she just doesn't want to have sex with him. Why? Bc she's not over her other man!

 

And this is ok with you?!?!

 

Polygraph asap.

 

That may be the case, I understand that you are trying to ensure that I'm not in a place where I think things are rainbows and unicorns which I appreciate.

 

I get what you are saying there and certainly can't put 100% trust in what she told me. And in some strange fashion if she is lying to me that is worse than the original act.

 

Ultimately I'll see how she wants to handle situations over the next period of time and reassess how things are. I told her last night I'm to the point where I'm ok leaving our marriage if she can't put in effort. So if she can't even though that would suck I'll find somewhere/someone that makes me happy.

[kgcolonel]

That may be the case, I understand that you are trying to ensure that I'm not in a place where I think things are rainbows and unicorns which I appreciate.

 

I get what you are saying there and certainly can't put 100% trust in what she told me. And in some strange fashion if she is lying to me that is worse than the original act.

 

Ultimately I'll see how she wants to handle situations over the next period of time and reassess how things are. I told her last night I'm to the point where I'm ok leaving our marriage if she can't put in effort. So if she can't even though that would suck I'll find somewhere/someone that makes me happy.

 

 

Niff, been lurking in the background here. My approach has always been to achieve the upper hand subtly and watch for the clues that "all is not what it is being represented". (Quick question, aside from lying about the level of sex, would the fact that she had intercourse with him have a dramatic effect on your desire to R?)

 

Here's one approach you might want to try:

 

1. Go ahead and get legal counsel to see where you stand.

2. Tell her that you have scheduled a Polygraph test and that this will make or break your M.

3. Watch very closely how she responds....may even want to tell her that it'll be much better with full disclosure in private than under a Poly.

 

 

Be very observant and if she balks at any point to the Poly, you know she's not come clean with you.

 

When trying to R, it's like baking a pie, you can't miss any ingredients or the pie will not be what the intended end product was meant.

[Poutrew]

There may be another reason why she is refusing sex with you: she caught an STD from the OM and she'd be busted good if you found out. Her excuses will disappear once the meds she is taking have done their work, assuming it is something that can be cured... now, have you seen any unfamiliar pill bottles around anywhere?

[QuietDan]

There may be another reason why she is refusing sex with you: she caught an STD from the OM and she'd be busted good if you found out. Her excuses will disappear once the meds she is taking have done their work, assuming it is something that can be cured... now, have you seen any unfamiliar pill bottles around anywhere?

 

Considering some of the hints he has drifted in as to why OM is currently inaccessible, that might not be an unreasonable suspicion.

[road]

Thanks for your constructive criticism, but I don't agree with what you are saying.

 

I don't have to yell and scream to make things happen. I listed out what I want from our relationship moving forward and if that isn't something she has the ability to do then we won't be together.

 

My point that I was trying to address there is I spoke in a matter that could be understood where we are at and we're we need to be.

 

Sad but true many WW cut of their BH because they do not want to

be unfaithful to their OM.

[mikeylo]

She has destroyed the basic foundation of the relationship. At this point you on a very shaky ground and one mishap on her side is going to further destroy everything.

 

The prison type of life is going to be very difficult for her as she no longer gets to enjoy the freedom she once had. That's the reason reconciliation usually fails.

 

She is going to be a very lonely person one day. Sorry man , you had to go through this. It's hard finding a trustworthy partner these days.

[PegNosePete]

She did not have intercourse. She said she was in an emotional relationship, kissed, and inappropriate touching.

Seriously and you believed that?? I have a bridge to sell you my friend.

 

She is still lying to you. This proves that all her words are meaningless. I would talk to her again tonight. Tell her that you KNOW she is lying about how far it went, and she needs to be 100% honest with you right now else you will file for divorce immediately. She will probably ask how you know etc but just stay on topic and say it doesn't matter how you know, you just know, and you want her to be honest with you and tell you everything. If she doesn't tell you the full truth (they had sex on multiple occasions), then just say "OK", walk away, and file for divorce tomorrow morning.

 

The polygraph idea posted above is also a good idea. And the STD suspicions, yeah, seems very plausible.

Edited June 15, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Superchicken]

I agree with Blue, and pegs..

 

 

Dude, if you admitted or got caught cheating, would you say "I had Full on sex", or would you say "We just kissed and held hands" ?.

Now, if you said Option 2, then you are NORMAL.

A liar and cheat, but NORMAL !.

 

 

Man, I don't get people like yourself, that believes in trollop like that, without at least first, in deciphering her actions and motives over the last few months.

 

 

Example..

 

 

How do you know that they weren't having an affair BEFORE the accident ?.

 

 

I say this because, if my GF/Wife had died, dude, I wouldn't be able to get a hard on, or even be able to think of sex at a time like that.

Jeepers man, my life partner just died, and I decide to get a hard on, make out with her "Married" friend, not think of anything but doing the mumbo..

 

 

Naaaaaaa, sorry..

 

 

There is history there somewhere. Maybe it happened (Affair) some time back, and they stopped it.. Then, once together again, the emotions came back all at once, and Presto.. Ingredients for "Le crap Soup".

 

 

Bottom line, read other guys threads on this forum, and see that 99% also said their partners ALSO just kissed, and hugged.

But, guess what.. They lied, imagine that. They lied, and I am in disbelief.. Who would lie in a situation like that ?. Surely not the caught..

 

 

Stop looking in front of you all the time, and start looking from ALL directions.

 

 

Don't be duped. But, I think its to late for that..

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[Sparta]

It just amazes me how weak man can come off women despise weakness it's so unattractive as you can tell she won't even have sex with you she had plenty with her boyfriend wake up dude...

[Chaparral]

I understand where you are coming from.

The thing is, read as many threads as you can and you will see every case where people cheat, they follow the same exact behaviors in each thread over and over and over. This is called the cheater script. Your wife is also following it to a tee.

She had an affair. It's unusual for a person to say they were in an emotional affair. Where did she come up with that phrase?

Thousands of threads in several forums constantly repeat. Cutting the husband off is near universal when the affair turns sexual. That's why no one here believes she was having a little t of sex with him. Cutting you off but not leaving you is the physical manifestation of the famous ILYBNILWY speech. I love you but not in love with you speech.Did you get that speech? If she was sorry and wanted to save the marriage she would have been banging your brains out and love bombing you. I have no idea what her plan is but it looks like she is simply playing you. A prostitue can have sex with several men in a day she doesn't know or even like. Your wife can't even pretend to be turned on by you.

There is a reason and you need to find out why. If she loved you she wouldn't have fallen in love with him whenever that actually happened. If she loved you now she would do anything to save the marriage. She isn't.

 

You should get a voice activated recorder for her car and your house and acertain what she is really happening. Surely she is talking to someone. Look at her phone records. Is she open with her phone. Do you have access to it and her social media? Passivity will keep you in limbo.

[Trtroles]

First time posting here.

 

Your wife is lying to you. Go to street or a bar and tell this story to random stranger. They will tell you the same thing as many people here.

 

She had sex and lots of it. She refuses to have anything with you because she still has feelings for OM.

 

Why you let her walk all over you ?

Why is she making all decisions in your marriage ?

Why are you scared of her ?

 

No respect for you at all but if you dont want to respect yourself then dont expect it from your wife.