Sometimes I just don't want to live

[aileD]

This is all to hard. I try to pretend I'm strong but it's all just an act. Ow has been sniffing around. And I found out they've been keeping in touch occasionally by phone (nothing physical). She claims to be "helping him" wothbour marriage. <barf>. I can't go through this all again and I can't get divorced. Please don't even suggest it. I just got a new job....after losing the last one a year ago due to all this. I start 6/15 and I can't believe I am dealing with this again now. Right when I was starting to get my life together. This is just too much

 

I'm incredibly lonely. H is at the cabin for the weekend because we got in an argument about all this. He doesn't understand my feelings. He said it was a blessing I found out. The night I found out he cancelled marriage counseling (I still went and told doc everything) and slept st the office (verified). Then we had a good talk, and he had a good IC appointment. He said it's a blessing I found out becaus it made him realize that even though it's completely platonic, he can see how talking to her still even as a friend does affect his view on our marriage. That recently he's been seeing that he's a totally different person on weekends towards us than he is during the week (she calls his work phone) and he knows he needs to cut that off if we are going to have a chance. That he's realizing that just because we have a bad day doesn't mean our whole life is going to be bad and that's how he's felt. Then the next day I asked WHEN he was going to tell her and all hell broke loose. He is messed up and irrational and honestly he can't even see it.

 

We still want to save our marriage, I just don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I've prayed and prayed about it and God has spoken to us both in many indeniable ways. We'll get through this.....but I can't see it right now. I have faith in God but I guess I don't have faith in him or myself

 

An ongoing issue with him is my weight. I have a hard time getting motivated to work out. Or I get injured or I get a cough or I can't find socks. It's all just excuses really and I know that and I just don't know how to make myself do it. I want to be healthy, I know it will help our relationship ----and not just the attraction but the fact that he says I don't follow through on things I say I will do---

 

And the kids again. I am losing it. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to be gone then to have to go though all of this. Either way--divorce or together-- is a hell I just can't imagine and am too tired to do again.

 

Although I'm glad he left for the weekend because we needed space, I'm incredibly lonely. Not just physically but mentally I guess. He was my best friend and really my only real friend. I have lots of surface friendships not people I feel ok being loved by. It sucks not being loved.

 

And yes I know he's not with her because he's with our friends. And because I confirmed she's at her house. Which sucks because now I'm a stalker.

 

I just know I kinda don't want to do life anymore but then I think of my kids and I just can't leave them then I'm mad because of that.

[aileD]

Sorry that's kind of all over the place

[understand50]

aileD,

 

First, you are strong, just sometimes its hard to see it in yourself. The BS is always the strong one. Your husband is just dead wrong on this. And from your writing it looks like he finally gets it. It is just too late in some ways to save you from pain and hurt. Hope things get better, take this weekend to do something with your kids, and if you are really feeling like ending it, please go get some help. This feeling will pass, and things will get better. I know for right now, this moment in time, it does not seem so, but it will get better. Also, you are needed by your kids, and I am sure others. Keep reminding yourself, you are worth going on.

 

AS for your weight, well it is just something to over come, but only if you feel you must. I woman's beauty, and true worth is measured in what they do and who they impact, not a number on a scale. Your a mother, remember that.

 

I wish you all the luck you need.....

[understand50]

Sorry that's kind of all over the place

 

And that is ok........

[somanymistakes]

((hugs))

 

I know a random internet person's opinion doesn't mean much, but I enjoy hearing from you. Please take care of yourself, not just your kids.

[BaileyB]

aileD,

 

You are a valued member of this community. Your words have brought comfort and wisdom to so many people who struggle.

 

It looks dark and lonely right now, but know that tomorrow brings the hope of a better day. Hold tight to your kids, develop some new friendships, care for yourself the way that you would care for someone you love.

 

Sending you hugs tonight.

[harrybrown]

you can't control what he does.

 

But you can see an attorney.

 

If he has not gone NC, he is still addicted and still in the A. Maybe not PA now, but still in the A. he may be still in the PA.

 

Take care of you and your kids.

 

Get your advice from your attorney.

 

time for a wake up call.

[MuddyFootprints]

Can you get a sitter for the kids for tomorrow / tomorrow night?

 

Sometimes, when we think we need to be apart, what we really need is to be together. Reconciliation doesn't work when we isolate ourselves from each other.

[vanhalenfan]

I understand what you're going through. I am going through similar emotions right now as well. It is tough and life has dealt some shi**y cards.

 

Your husband must...MUST cut ties with this woman. He is in the wrong - no doubt about it. He must rid her completely. There is no excuse...Please, helping with your marriage? Anything but! Your feelings are completely justifiable.

 

NC must happen. On all accounts. No ifs, ands, or buts. When he comes home, this must be established once again. All access to his accounts when you feel the need, no privacy until he backs off completely. Back to square one.

 

((((HUGS)))))

[MuddyFootprints]

Can you get a sitter for the kids for tomorrow / tomorrow night?

 

Sometimes, when we think we need to be apart, what we really need is to be together. Reconciliation doesn't work when we isolate ourselves from each other.

 

I tried to edit because I really don't like the way that sounded. So, I will rephrase it.

 

F that. He doesn't get to escape to the cabin to lick his wounds, leaving you a devastated and emotional mess, having to deal with real life by yourself. no. Reconciliation does not work that way.

[Dis]

I've never been married so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn...

 

After everything you've been through with your husband...after all the hurt he has caused you...after all this time of attempting to R...he does this?!

 

Again?!

 

I understand trying to R once (even thats a stretch for my mind) but twice...no way

 

And yes, I'm sorry girl....but he started the A up again. It might just be an EA for now but its still an A...again

 

I think you're kind of down playing this....not really recognizing that he's back in the A because it hurts too much and I understand that

 

But if this man is causing your soul so much pain that you feel you want to end your life...how can you stay???

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this again. You dont deserve this whether your overweight..skinny...blue or purple

 

I'm sending you lots of healing energies, love and light

 

We're all here for you. I'm glad you posted

[mercy]

AileD, it hurts my soul to read your words, I understand how you feel. It's crushing to know what affairs do to people. Sickening, really.

 

She is an enemy to your marriage and he speaks to her? Disgusting.

 

You matter, not because you are a wife, not because you're a mother but because you are of value. You matter because of who you are, there is no one else like you. God loves you and cares about you. The choices your h is making right now has nothing to do with you. You are worthy, period.

 

Get that fire in you going. Be the strong woman that God made you to be. If you want something, do it, go after it. But do it for you, no one else.

 

hugs

 

p.s. your husband is a d*mn fool and if you point me in the right direction I'll smack him good.

[Mrs. John Adams]

my heart breaks for you and if i could i would come slap him silly.

 

I understand you cannot discuss and do not want to discuss divorce. But that has nothing to do with separation. He's at the cabin? He can stay there.

 

Sometimes we think God has told us something when in reality we are so hopeful we see what we want instead of what he is really saying.

 

I beleive God wants us to stay married if at all possible. But he also says we can divorce if infidelity has occured. I do not think he expects us to stay married to a lying cheating selfish spouse. I just dont. He says to forgive....and you have. This is no longer about forgiveness...this is about peace of mind.

 

You have tried...and tried...and he has lied and lied. He disrespects you enough that once again he has betrayed your trust.

 

You are a beautiful individual...who deserves to be loved EXACTLY the way you are...and if HE has a problem or an isue with the way you look...it is HIS problem.

 

Love yourself...love your kids...and you can even love him...love him enough to let him go.

 

Let her have him...

 

John and i are praying for you...sincerely holding you and your kids up in prayer....praying that God give you peace...and wisdom...and strength.

[aileD]

I understand what you're going through. I am going through similar emotions right now as well. It is tough and life has dealt some shi**y cards.

 

Your husband must...MUST cut ties with this woman. He is in the wrong - no doubt about it. He must rid her completely. There is no excuse...Please, helping with your marriage? Anything but! Your feelings are completely justifiable.

 

NC must happen. On all accounts. No ifs, ands, or buts. When he comes home, this must be established once again. All access to his accounts when you feel the need, no privacy until he backs off completely. Back to square one.

 

((((HUGS)))))

 

 

Yes he understands now....I said some stuff to him that I don't think he even thought of. He's being selfish again, only thinking about himself. Helping with our marriage? Bull****. Try keeping tabs on so when it crashes and burns she is right there. I told him, you're still putting all that energy into HER. Even if it's not HER it's someone that's not ME. And you get upset when I post anything personal on Facebook but you went and talked about our marriage and our problems and ME and my personal stuff to the person in this world that has hurt me the most (besides him). How could he do that? It's humiliating and embarrassing. He didn't see that till I said it. He just thought it was helping. She was helping him and he was helping her study for some EMT test she continues to fail (watch out anyone calling 911!).

 

But I said....all these calls (he left his work stuff open on home computer and I pulled phone records from the software for his work phone)...like 150 a month.....thstsblike 5 calls a day and I didn't even remove weekends from that math. And you don't text me all day. You say you're busy but you're on the phone with her all day. He says most the time she's doing her work and he's doing his and the line is just open, they aren't talking. OH WELLVTHET MAKES IT BETTER. So you're so obsessed to keep the mental connection open that you pull **** like that? How are clients calling you when the phone is tied up all day?

 

He just didn't get it. He claims to now. But I push and the I'm the bad guy. Then I'm not. Then whatever. He has good intentions he's just not fully following through on them.

 

He falls and he realizes and he starts again. We are always staring again.

 

Just to be clear I'm not going to harm myself. I couldn't do that to my kids. And they're teens so they could care less about hanging out with me, they already have plans.

 

Im just weary. He's weary. There are so many highs and so many lows. He is truly trying to be a better person, he just falters because he has no concept of what normal relationships are. I've been reading a lot about childhood sexual abuse plus parental abandonment on men and it's effects on their adult relationships and narcissism, and fatherhood and he's just SO TEXTBOOK but he can't see it.

 

I just wish we could deal with all this alone. Without her "help". Get a ducking life. You have a boyfriend, go spend all day on the phone with him. Why do you have to meddle? You know he's weak and selfish Just leave him alone. He was doing fine not talking to you until you called and reconnected. Yes he's to blame it if you stayed away maybe we could have been somewhere else by now.

[aileD]

And yes, I'm sorry girl....but he started the A up again. It might just be an EA for now but its still an A...again

 

I know this. I'm not downplaying it at all. I told him that. Regardless of it only being friendly, he's lying and hiding it...telling our personal stuff to her...taking time away from us for her...etc etc. it's an affair. Period.

 

I am not delusional about that

[aileD]

I tried to edit because I really don't like the way that sounded. So, I will rephrase it.

 

F that. He doesn't get to escape to the cabin to lick his wounds, leaving you a devastated and emotional mess, having to deal with real life by yourself. no. Reconciliation does not work that way.

 

Lol. I hear you. We go up once a month to do work and stuff and the dates are preplanned for the year. He's only there alone because have a graduation party to attend for a child that I have nannied for 10 years. It was just luck.

 

But I agree with you. While I think knee needed to be away from each other, it's probably not best for R. If he didn't go away, we would have slept next to each other and at least had some tender moments despite our disagreement.

 

But also....when he gets time to himself, those are the times he gets clarity. It's like I bombard him with information and he overloads and explodes then spends time alone in nature or whatever and comes back clearer and with a better understanding. So I don't know

[lostgirl87]

Yes he understands now....I said some stuff to him that I don't think he even thought of. He's being selfish again, only thinking about himself. Helping with our marriage? Bull****. Try keeping tabs on so when it crashes and burns she is right there. I told him, you're still putting all that energy into HER. Even if it's not HER it's someone that's not ME. And you get upset when I post anything personal on Facebook but you went and talked about our marriage and our problems and ME and my personal stuff to the person in this world that has hurt me the most (besides him). How could he do that? It's humiliating and embarrassing. He didn't see that till I said it. He just thought it was helping. She was helping him and he was helping her study for some EMT test she continues to fail (watch out anyone calling 911!).

 

But I said....all these calls (he left his work stuff open on home computer and I pulled phone records from the software for his work phone)...like 150 a month.....thstsblike 5 calls a day and I didn't even remove weekends from that math. And you don't text me all day. You say you're busy but you're on the phone with her all day. He says most the time she's doing her work and he's doing his and the line is just open, they aren't talking. OH WELLVTHET MAKES IT BETTER. So you're so obsessed to keep the mental connection open that you pull **** like that? How are clients calling you when the phone is tied up all day?

 

He just didn't get it. He claims to now. But I push and the I'm the bad guy. Then I'm not. Then whatever. He has good intentions he's just not fully following through on them.

 

He falls and he realizes and he starts again. We are always staring again.

 

Just to be clear I'm not going to harm myself. I couldn't do that to my kids. And they're teens so they could care less about hanging out with me, they already have plans.

 

Im just weary. He's weary. There are so many highs and so many lows. He is truly trying to be a better person, he just falters because he has no concept of what normal relationships are. I've been reading a lot about childhood sexual abuse plus parental abandonment on men and it's effects on their adult relationships and narcissism, and fatherhood and he's just SO TEXTBOOK but he can't see it.

 

I just wish we could deal with all this alone. Without her "help". Get a ducking life. You have a boyfriend, go spend all day on the phone with him. Why do you have to meddle? You know he's weak and selfish Just leave him alone. He was doing fine not talking to you until you called and reconnected. Yes he's to blame it if you stayed away maybe we could have been somewhere else by now.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you continue to make excuses for him and that's why you're back here.

 

The OW wouldn't be able to come back if he didn't allow her to come back. He is the one responsible for keeping her away. She owes you nothing, your husband does. How many chances does someone get? How many times does he get to do the same thing and cause you this much pain before something changes?!

[aileD]

I don't want to quote a million posts but want to say thank you to everyone.

 

I just feel really alone tonight and it helps to have people to talk to.

[Life lessons]

I haven't been very active on LS, as of late, but i wanted to say how sorry I am that you're dealing with this again. You have always been respectful, in your replies, to me and i wanted to say that I truly hate reading that you are going through this.

 

Best of luck to you and your family!

 

Life gets us down, at times but we have to keep with it and know that we all have a purpose.......And always remember that your children need you.....

[aileD]

I'm sorry you're going through this but you continue to make excuses for him and that's why you're back here.

 

The OW wouldn't be able to come back if he didn't allow her to come back. He is the one responsible for keeping her away. She owes you nothing, your husband does. How many chances does someone get? How many times does he get to do the same thing and cause you this much pain before something changes?!

 

Could you please respect my privacy at this time? I'd appreciate if you don't comment as we have a history of not agreeing on things and I don't expect you to know how I feel or why I do the things I do. Or why the hell YES SHE DOES OWE ME SOMETHING. Thank you for this comment

[mercy]

I still want to smack him so does Mrs.JA's!

[aileD]

I still want to smack him so does Mrs.JA's!

 

Me too. I was just watching a sermon and it was on brokenness...(a different kind not broken bones ha!). And we also have this ongoing theme in all our marriage stuff about how you have to tear things down completely...be completely broken before true healing and rebuilding can occur

 

Guess I just thought we already got there but I guess not.

 

And yes, I know I make "excuses" for him, but it's also truly seeing his faults for what they are and I do call him out on everything.

 

But I'm not someone to just leave. Yes I see everything everyone will say. I see it, I'm not immune to it . I understand it. I just don't live in a place spiritually or value wise where those things are a good enough reason to leave, that if you can work through them you do. Will sometimes I be walked on? Yes. Is that ok? No. But we are learning.

 

Am I angry? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Do I hate him? No. Do I think he can be a better man? Yes. Does he have it in him? Yes.

 

I don't know. I go back and forth. Divorce would be too easy and it would not make me feel good inside .

 

I don't know. I just don't.

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to quote a million posts but want to say thank you to everyone.

 

I just feel really alone tonight and it helps to have people to talk to.

 

I'm so sorry he's dicking you around and acting like a selfish turd. Again.

 

Wish you strength and lots of courage to make a final decision and kick him out. You're a kind hearted woman and your H is wasting your time, testing your patience by still keeping in touch (EA) with the OW. Not that it makes a difference but does her boyfriend know? Your H isn't worthy of YOU!

[aileD]

I'm so sorry he's dicking you around and acting like a selfish turd. Again.

 

Wish you strength and lots of courage to make a final decision and kick him out. You're a kind hearted woman and your H is wasting your time, testing your patience by still keeping in touch (EA) with the OW. Not that it makes a difference but does her boyfriend know? Your H isn't worthy of YOU!

 

I don't know anything about her boyfriend. If I did I would tell him and I'd tell him she's never had a relationship in the last 5 years that didn't involve her being either a cheater or the girl someone else cheats with. Full doclosure right?

 

I don't know that I am all that but thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Me too. I was just watching a sermon and it was on brokenness...(a different kind not broken bones ha!). And we also have this ongoing theme in all our marriage stuff about how you have to tear things down completely...be completely broken before true healing and rebuilding can occur

 

Guess I just thought we already got there but I guess not.

 

And yes, I know I make "excuses" for him, but it's also truly seeing his faults for what they are and I do call him out on everything.

 

But I'm not someone to just leave. Yes I see everything everyone will say. I see it, I'm not immune to it . I understand it. I just don't live in a place spiritually or value wise where those things are a good enough reason to leave, that if you can work through them you do. Will sometimes I be walked on? Yes. Is that ok? No. But we are learning.

 

Am I angry? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Do I hate him? No. Do I think he can be a better man? Yes. Does he have it in him? Yes.

 

I don't know. I go back and forth. Divorce would be too easy and it would not make me feel good inside .

 

I don't know. I just don't.

 

If he was doing everything he needed to do to earn your trust again, not piss you off or upset and hurt you then I'd totally agree with what you've said. Instead he's throwing hissy fits, running away, being mean to you and acting selfish. THAT is not a man who is fully invested in fixing himself, let alone regaining your faith and trust in him again. He is STILL speaking to and investing in the OW. He is putting energy into her and that in itself just shows you he isn't putting you first either. HE is putting himself first and still doing as he pleases even though it's killing you inside.

 

It makes me sad that he is doing this to you but it makes even sadder that you haven't kicked him and told him you're filing for D (even if you don't, he doesn't need to know that).