Sometimes I just don't want to live

[whichwayisup]

I don't know anything about her boyfriend. If I did I would tell him and I'd tell him she's never had a relationship in the last 5 years that didn't involve her being either a cheater or the girl someone else cheats with. Full doclosure right?

 

I don't know that I am all that but thank you.

 

Start digging. This OW needs her world blown up so she can suffer some consequences. Right now she's had nothing to lose, is still after your husband and still has her boyfriend. She's happy as a clam and her world needs to be shaken up. Maybe then she'll focus on fixing things with her boyfriend and leave your H alone.

[aileD]

If he was doing everything he needed to do to earn your trust again, not piss you off or upset and hurt you then I'd totally agree with what you've said. Instead he's throwing hissy fits, running away, being mean to you and acting selfish. THAT is not a man who is fully invested in fixing himself, let alone regaining your faith and trust in him again. He is STILL speaking to and investing in the OW. He is putting energy into her and that in itself just shows you he isn't putting you first either. HE is putting himself first and still doing as he pleases even though it's killing you inside.

 

It makes me sad that he is doing this to you but it makes even sadder that you haven't kicked him and told him you're filing for D (even if you don't, he doesn't need to know that).

 

There are good things, I just didn't post any here because that's not the point of my post. He has made effort and strides over these months. But yeah....selfish and bull**** talking to her and yes it does take away from things and he doesn't get it. Or he didn't. And yeah to the rest of it

[aileD]

Start digging. This OW needs her world blown up so she can suffer some consequences. Right now she's had nothing to lose, is still after your husband and still has her boyfriend. She's happy as a clam and her world needs to be shaken up. Maybe then she'll focus on fixing things with her boyfriend and leave your H alone.

 

Yeah no. As much as I want to......She'll dump the Bf and cling to H. She'll get kicked out of her house again and cling to H. I know it.

 

Karma will get her. God knows who she is.

 

I kinda feel like I deserve all this because I overlapped boyfriends once for a week in HS. Maybe all this hell is what I deserve. Maybe it's a lesson

[mercy]

I don't know. I just don't.

 

You do what's right for you.

 

He just needs to know that when God moves you to do something, whatever that something is, there's no turning back, no words he can say, your decision will be made. Give him to God.

 

When in doubt, pray.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah no. As much as I want to......She'll dump the Bf and cling to H. She'll get kicked out of her house again and cling to H. I know it.

 

Karma will get her. God knows who she is.

 

I kinda feel like I deserve all this because I overlapped boyfriends once for a week in HS. Maybe all this hell is what I deserve. Maybe it's a lesson

 

That was many years ago and you were in high school! You don't deserve ANY of this! None.

 

I really hope your husband knows what a gem you truly are. It's a real shame that he's taking 3 steps forward and then 2 steps back.

 

It's up to your husband to cut all contact with her once and for all. you can't keep on going like this. It's just not fair to you.

[mercy]

 

I kinda feel like I deserve all this because I overlapped boyfriends once for a week in HS. Maybe all this hell is what I deserve. Maybe it's a lesson

 

Ridiculous!

 

A teens brain is not even completely formed. You have teens, right?

 

I look back on my teen years and I know mine wasn't!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yeah no. As much as I want to......She'll dump the Bf and cling to H. She'll get kicked out of her house again and cling to H. I know it.

 

Karma will get her. God knows who she is.

 

I kinda feel like I deserve all this because I overlapped boyfriends once for a week in HS. Maybe all this hell is what I deserve. Maybe it's a lesson

 

You know better....this has nothing to do with you...you know that right?

 

This is all about him. I try so hard to tell betrayeds and rarely do they listen. An affair is not about you...it completely about your wayward.

 

It is his choice...his issue...his flaw...his ego...his selfishness...him him him...not you

 

You did not cause this...you did not do this...you cannot prevent this

 

You have to remember....he has lied to you for a very long time...this is not your first rodeo.

 

I will tell you this...and it means absolutley nothing other than this is my opinion take it or leave it.

 

I cheated...you know that. But I confessed...and immediatley accepted accountability and became transparent. Now...I did a lot of things wrong...oh yes i did. But I meant it with every fiber of my being when i promised my husband...I will never hurt you like this again. I would kill myself before i hurt you like this.

 

I KNOW what i did to him...i could not bear it to see him hurt like that again.

 

How can a wayward...SEE what they have put their spouse through...and do it over and over again.

 

I truly do not understand it....and i am so sorry he has been such a total and complete jerk

[Bastile]

You know better....this has nothing to do with you...you know that right?

 

This is all about him. I try so hard to tell betrayeds and rarely do they listen. An affair is not about you...it completely about your wayward.

 

It is his choice...his issue...his flaw...his ego...his selfishness...him him him...not you

 

You did not cause this...you did not do this...you cannot prevent this

 

You have to remember....he has lied to you for a very long time...this is not your first rodeo.

 

I will tell you this...and it means absolutley nothing other than this is my opinion take it or leave it.

 

I cheated...you know that. But I confessed...and immediatley accepted accountability and became transparent. Now...I did a lot of things wrong...oh yes i did. But I meant it with every fiber of my being when i promised my husband...I will never hurt you like this again. I would kill myself before i hurt you like this.

 

I KNOW what i did to him...i could not bear it to see him hurt like that again.

 

How can a wayward...SEE what they have put their spouse through...and do it over and over again.

 

I truly do not understand it....and i am so sorry he has been such a total and complete jerk

 

?

 

I'm baffled by that.

 

I got cheated on before. I accepted it. I ended it. I moved on.

 

Girl wanted to have kids with me and all sorts. I can imagine how bad life would have been if I had made the decision to tie myself to that mast for life.

 

Takes two to tango. Stop dancing with him. It'll make your life a misery.

 

Should never allow someone to repeatedly make you feel this way. That's your power to give him.

[MuddyFootprints]

Yeah no. As much as I want to......She'll dump the Bf and cling to H. She'll get kicked out of her house again and cling to H. I know it.

 

Karma will get her. God knows who she is.

 

I kinda feel like I deserve all this because I overlapped boyfriends once for a week in HS. Maybe all this hell is what I deserve. Maybe it's a lesson

 

I see the term karma thrown around here a lot.

 

I don't think it means what most people think it means.

 

Karma isn't a punishment or a reward.

 

Karma is about personal accountability. It's not about being a door mat, it's not about personal retaliation (receiving end or delivering).

[Steen719]

I wish cheaters who think they don't really hurt anyone or maybe just don't care who gets hurt could feel your pain. I really do. Betrayal is just so hard to deal with emotionally. It strips you of your essence and you are left with the hurt and insecurities that stay with you. No matter how things shake out in the end, those things make their mark on you. But...one of the first things they taught us in social work school is that you cannot teach people empathy.

 

She is young, selfish and quite willing to pull your H away. You are determined to keep him and he is the pickle in the middle who has 2 women who want him. And yeah, I bet she would cling to him if the bf was out of the picture.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I wish I hadn't felt it myself, but there it is. I did and when it happened the 2nd time (13 years apart), I chose divorce. That was right for me. I did stay the first time, though, and tried to work it out. You have to do what you have to do. No one can read your heart. I just think it all sucks. UGH

 

I wish you the best. Do something nice for yourself and I think you could benefit from a good friend. He can't be your all - he isn't a dependable best friend right now. In the meantime, talk here when you can.

 

Warm wishes.

[Arieswoman]

aileD,

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

You say that divorce is off the table, so I can only suggest that you get some counselling to help you sort your emotions out. We can all sympathise here but none of us are professionals.

 

Stay strong - and remember you don't deserve this x

[mercy]

LivingWaterPlease, your wisdom is so needed here.

[magnesium]

I see the term karma thrown around here a lot.

 

I don't think it means what most people think it means.

 

Karma isn't a punishment or a reward.

 

Karma is about personal accountability. It's not about being a door mat, it's not about personal retaliation (receiving end or delivering).

 

I see where you are coming from.

 

I don't believe in karma personally, however, I see it as whatever energy you put out into the universe, you will get that same energy back.

 

A good example would be our president who takes zero accountability, but at the same time, he isn't a door mat. He screws over, intimidates, slanders, and name-calls anyone who stands in his way. And look where that got him!

 

His tweets and 'funny pics' go viral in the media, but in reality he has ruined people's lives and destroyed careers.

 

On the other hand, I guess Bill Cosby got what was coming to him. His downfall is a kodak moment.

Edited June 10, 2017 by magnesium

[Mrs. John Adams]

?

 

I'm baffled by that.

 

I got cheated on before. I accepted it. I ended it. I moved on.

 

Girl wanted to have kids with me and all sorts. I can imagine how bad life would have been if I had made the decision to tie myself to that mast for life.

 

Takes two to tango. Stop dancing with him. It'll make your life a misery.

 

Should never allow someone to repeatedly make you feel this way. That's your power to give him.

 

?

 

Some people are not able to just move on and get over it. They want to try and try again.

 

Obviously...this woman had given her husband several chances to make things right.

 

You may be the person who can cut their losses and move on...she wasn't.

 

I truly am glad for you...that you were so decisive and strong. but not eveyone is.

[MuddyFootprints]

I see where you are coming from.

 

I don't believe in karma personally, however, I see it as whatever energy you put out into the universe, you will get that same energy back.

 

A good example would be our president who takes zero accountability, but at the same time, he isn't a door mat. He screws over, intimidates, slanders, and name-calls anyone who stands in his way. And look where that got him!

 

His tweets and 'funny pics' go viral in the media, but in reality he has ruined people's lives and destroyed careers.

 

On the other hand, I guess Bill Cosby got what was coming to him. His downfall is a kodak moment.

 

That's not how I understand karma. Like the AP who is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, loses a kid tragically, wins a lottery, or gets run over by a bus.

 

Or a spouse has an affair...

 

That's not karma.

 

Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Good and bad things happen to all of us.

 

How we deal with it is our karma. That's our baggage. And it is personal.

[Furious]

AileD

 

You are not alone here. Your words are heartbreaking and it's good you reached out and unburdened how you feel tonight.

 

You are strong but it doesn't mean you can't sometimes allow yourself to feel low and that's ok.

 

A strong person is strongest when they reach out when they need help to sort out their feelings.

 

Please know that you will move forward and that your life has purpose and let your faith in God console you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mercy, everyone seems to be doing a good job of counseling and comforting aileD. My heart goes out to her as I'm reading and empathizing with her and I'll pray that if there's something helpful I can add I'll think of it.

 

I noticed Mrs. John Adam's beautiful post of prayer and encouragement. Let's join her, Mercy, and others in praying for aileD tonight (it's night time where I live!).

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Yeah no. As much as I want to......She'll dump the Bf and cling to H. She'll get kicked out of her house again and cling to H. I know it.

 

Karma will get her. God knows who she is.

 

I kinda feel like I deserve all this because I overlapped boyfriends once for a week in HS. Maybe all this hell is what I deserve. Maybe it's a lesson

 

Hi. I still have not forgotten about answering your question from several days ago. I haven't been on LS and am trying to not think of anything related to A as I've been feeling badly depressed about it all. Will still answer you at some point, but based on this thread you started probably not the best time for you anyhow.

 

I did want to say though that the bolded part in the above quote is DEFINITELY NOT the reason this is happening. If you allow yourself to think that way, you are going to perpetuate your own pain due to false beliefs. It comes down to your H's lack of respect. It definitely is not something you deserve (but don't enable it either). Also, try not to make excuses for his behavior (e.g. FOO trauma), because it keeps him from being accountable for his behavior and CHOICES! And that allows him to continue to do those behaviors feeling like he will continue to get away with it. I read that you said don't even suggest D, but perhaps your H knows you would never D no matter what (and coming from a Christian background I understand where you are coming from), but it also assures him that he can treat you any which way and you won't be going anywhere (i.e. he won't have serious consequences for his actions). And please note that the words "actions" and "behaviors" are also synonymous with the word "CHOICES" because ultimately what you have here is a grown man who continues to CHOOSE to disrespect you, your children, your family unit, and anyone else he is attempting to deceive. He is not just a man-child who can't be held responsible because he has issues that he fails to address (not everyone with FOO issues ends up a menace to their loved ones and/or society). He has a brain, and is capable of rationalizing and weighing risks against rewards. He is CHOOSING to do this, and is choosing to disrespect you. You must hold him accountable or this will never end. Find your inner lioness. Dig deep. Demand respect. Stop being the good housewife until he is a good husband. He is treating you more like a mother while acting like a spoiled teenager running around with his girlfriend.

[magnesium]

That's not how I understand karma. Like the AP who is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, loses a kid tragically, wins a lottery, or gets run over by a bus.

 

Or a spouse has an affair...

 

That's not karma.

 

Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Good and bad things happen to all of us.

 

How we deal with it is our karma. That's our baggage. And it is personal.

 

I agree with you. And I see where you are coming from with your definition of karma.

 

I suppose even though we see eye to eye, I just wouldn't label that as karma.

Edited June 10, 2017 by magnesium

[mercy]

Mercy, everyone seems to be doing a good job of counseling and comforting aileD. My heart goes out to her as I'm reading and empathizing with her and I'll pray that if there's something helpful I can add I'll think of it.

 

I noticed Mrs. John Adam's beautiful post of prayer and encouragement. Let's join her, Mercy, and others in praying for aileD tonight (it's night time where I live!).

 

More than you know, I have always counted on your words of wisdom and I'm not going to stop now. . You are such a blessing.

[Bastile]

?

 

Some people are not able to just move on and get over it. They want to try and try again.

 

But It's like masochism, banging your head against a wall repeatedly.

 

The woman that cheated on me has since contacted me twice (on Myspace, then Facebook). She now has different kids by different fathers.

 

Bullet dodged.

 

This guy wants to be with this other woman so bad? Let her have him. Good bloody luck.

 

I truly am glad for you...that you were so decisive and strong. but not eveyone is.

 

Because I took personal responsibility.

 

I made terrible judgments for filtering in the first place. I then neglected her during a tough period in my life. I then ignored a couple of warning signs. etc. etc.

 

It isn't karma, god's, the other woman's, the change of the wind, the whistling of the birds, the therapist (whom can't change desire), or "him him him" (or her her her, depending on inclination).

 

Some things are outside of our influence. And other things aren't.

 

I wish you all the best.

[anika99]

Yes he understands now....I said some stuff to him that I don't think he even thought of. He's being selfish again, only thinking about himself. Helping with our marriage? Bull****. Try keeping tabs on so when it crashes and burns she is right there. I told him, you're still putting all that energy into HER. Even if it's not HER it's someone that's not ME. And you get upset when I post anything personal on Facebook but you went and talked about our marriage and our problems and ME and my personal stuff to the person in this world that has hurt me the most (besides him). How could he do that? It's humiliating and embarrassing. He didn't see that till I said it. He just thought it was helping. She was helping him and he was helping her study for some EMT test she continues to fail (watch out anyone calling 911!).

 

But I said....all these calls (he left his work stuff open on home computer and I pulled phone records from the software for his work phone)...like 150 a month.....thstsblike 5 calls a day and I didn't even remove weekends from that math. And you don't text me all day. You say you're busy but you're on the phone with her all day. He says most the time she's doing her work and he's doing his and the line is just open, they aren't talking. OH WELLVTHET MAKES IT BETTER. So you're so obsessed to keep the mental connection open that you pull **** like that? How are clients calling you when the phone is tied up all day?

 

He just didn't get it. He claims to now. But I push and the I'm the bad guy. Then I'm not. Then whatever. He has good intentions he's just not fully following through on them.

 

He falls and he realizes and he starts again. We are always staring again.

 

Just to be clear I'm not going to harm myself. I couldn't do that to my kids. And they're teens so they could care less about hanging out with me, they already have plans.

 

Im just weary. He's weary. There are so many highs and so many lows. He is truly trying to be a better person, he just falters because he has no concept of what normal relationships are. I've been reading a lot about childhood sexual abuse plus parental abandonment on men and it's effects on their adult relationships and narcissism, and fatherhood and he's just SO TEXTBOOK but he can't see it.

 

I just wish we could deal with all this alone. Without her "help". Get a ducking life. You have a boyfriend, go spend all day on the phone with him. Why do you have to meddle? You know he's weak and selfish Just leave him alone. He was doing fine not talking to you until you called and reconnected. Yes he's to blame it if you stayed away maybe we could have been somewhere else by now.

 

I don't believe for one second that your husband just didn't get it but now he does since you explained it to him. He's not dumb, he's playing dumb. He gets it just fine. He got it before you explained things. That's why he's sneaking his calls to her when he's working. Because he knew all along that any communication is unacceptable and would hurt you. If he truly didn't understand that then he wouldn't have tried the hide it from you. He gets it but he's hoping you will be dumb enough to believe he is that he is just a big dummy who can't understand wrong from right unless you spell it out to him. He gets it and he's playing you for a fool.

 

I get that you have a strong desire to honor your vows and that you feel that God wants you to honor your vows and continue this marriage. I really don't believe this misery is gods will for you. Why on earth would God want you to be hurt, humiliated and betrayed this way? I know that sometimes suffering in life is unavoidable and God won't save us from it but he will go through the fire with us, however I really don't believe that God expects us to choose pain when happiness is also an option.

 

Most marriage vows of include vows along the line of "in sickness and in health, for better or worse, until death do us part". I've always interpreted those vows as meaning a couple should stand together, united and strong in the face of whatever problems life may throw them. Illness, job loss, issues with extended family, financial struggles, problems with children, interference by outsiders. These are the kinds of storms I think God expects married people to weather together, that they shouldn't let these outside problems tear them apart but they should pull closer to one another and present a strong united front to their enemies and any problems that pose a threat to the marriage. But how can you unite with a spouse who has actually turned into an enemy to the marriage? How do you and your spouse fight a threat to the marriage together when that threat is actually your spouse? How can you and your husband fight an attack on the marriage together when it's actually your husband who is attacking the marriage? You can't. Your husband can't fight with you when he is fighting against you. He can't be your friend because he has chosen to be your enemy. I don't believe God expects you to remain tied physically or spiritually to your enemies.

[Anne5113]

aileD,

 

I haven't read through this entire thread, just your original post and I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are dealing with another heartbreak from your husband's affair and that you feel as the title says some days not wanting to live. I came to LS as an OW, but before that I was a BS married to a man that struggled with addiction our entire marriage, which gave way to years of emotional abuse that escalated to frequent physical abuse. If the physical abuse hadn't become an issue that I couldn't excuse for my safety, I have no doubt I would still be married to him. Your determination to fight for your marriage reminds me a lot of how I felt about my marriage. Your husbands affair is much like an addiction (is an addiction) in addition to him suffering from other psychological problems. You are a strong & loving woman, but that may not be enough. Please don't forget to love yourself and don't let his issues make you lose YOU. I wish you the best.

[waterwoman]

Oh ailed I am so sorry. He's acting like a selfish child:mad: I have no advice that would help you but I am thinking of you xx

[Mrs. John Adams]

But It's like masochism, banging your head against a wall repeatedly.

 

The woman that cheated on me has since contacted me twice (on Myspace, then Facebook). She now has different kids by different fathers.

 

Bullet dodged.

 

This guy wants to be with this other woman so bad? Let her have him. Good bloody luck.

 

 

 

Because I took personal responsibility.

 

I made terrible judgments for filtering in the first place. I then neglected her during a tough period in my life. I then ignored a couple of warning signs. etc. etc.

 

It isn't karma, god's, the other woman's, the change of the wind, the whistling of the birds, the therapist (whom can't change desire), or "him him him" (or her her her, depending on inclination).

 

Some things are outside of our influence. And other things aren't.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

I understand exactly what you are trying to say. I get it. But everyone else is not you...and their decisions to reconcile or stay together even in co existance...is the right answer for them at the time.

 

All of us have lines drawn in the sand...I will NOT tolerate XYZ...and sometimes when confronted with XYZ...we find we can tolerate much more....we surprise ourselves.

 

Alied...has a line...and when her husband crosses it...she too will be FINISHED. Meanwhile...she makes the choice she beleives is best for her.

 

Whether you and I agree with her is irrelavant.

 

There are several people here on LS...who recommended my husband divorce me. They were wrong. They were making that decision based on their own experience...(or some because they simply READ forums and now know all the answers).

 

I firmly beleive in giving people second chances....I might even beleive in third chances...but maybe ALied believes in forever chances. It would not be what i might choose...but it is what she has chosen....and what i can do is support her and pray for her and hope that her husband screws his head on straight and realizes what he has done to a fine and devoted wife.