Author aileD Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 I really don't believe God expects us to choose pain when happiness is also an option. God doesn't expect us to choose pain or happiness, he expects us to follow His word regardless of either. I don't believe in infinite chances. But I also don't believing in giving up easily when there is still hope and I can still see SOMETHING in him that wants to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 God doesn't expect us to choose pain or happiness, he expects us to follow His word regardless of either. I don't believe in infinite chances. But I also don't believing in giving up easily when there is still hope and I can still see SOMETHING in him that wants to change. My caution to you sweetheart is that you understand the difference in truly seeing HIS desire to change and do better...rather than the HOPE of your own desire for him to change and do better. In other words...keep your eyes on Jesus for your hope and strength...and dont place your hope in this broken man....becasue he will surely disappoint you 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Count me in as another who believes that "for better or for worse" includes illness, job loss, difficulties with children, even the normal ups and downs of a relationship. I do not believe that "for better or for worse" is justification to stay in an unhealthy relationship - especially with abuse or infidelity. It's not always possible or reasonable to cling together when one partner turns outside the marriage and the other partner suffers the pain of betrayal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 I know you found out she contacted him in February and they had their hour long hugging "closure" then but has this "phone me at work" contact been going on since then or before then maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 I know you found out she contacted him in February and they had their hour long hugging "closure" then but has this "phone me at work" contact been going on since then or before then maybe? Phone calls from her started right after that, but he didn't pick up the phone (can tell by the logs and he also volunteered that) til about a month later then the talking escalated slowly over a month to ridiculous after that. Every single phone call is inbound from her # Several a day. Sometimes he picks up and sometimes he doesn't but there are also many long talk times. Plan worked I guess because my husband is weak and makes bad choices Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 My caution to you sweetheart is that you understand the difference in truly seeing HIS desire to change and do better...rather than the HOPE of your own desire for him to change and do better. In other words...keep your eyes on Jesus for your hope and strength...and dont place your hope in this broken man....becasue he will surely disappoint you Thank you and yes, I am keeping this in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 Maybe I'm just stupid Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Maybe I'm just stupid You are not stupid. You are kind, compassionate, understanding & heartbroken. I commend you for wanting to honor your vows. Marriage is not disposable but neither is it meant to be a prison. Speak to your religious advisor if that is what is holding you back. Even the Catholic church is softening it's stance on divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 In other words...keep your eyes on Jesus for your hope and strength...and dont place your hope in this broken man....becasue he will surely disappoint you This, aileD. I hope to write more later today as I don't have much time right now but this has been in my heart for you, even last night. God will give you incredible strength as your eyes are fixed on Jesus and read scriptures, too! Before life is over it seems most of us go through trials, sometimes devastating ones, but God gives us strength and confidence. He is our comfort. This is a text that has meant the world to me. God has made it real for me and I believe He will for anyone who will claim it as their own. Even though you are still with your husband you can depend on God to love and comfort you as a husband should and it seems is not doing right now. I believe this is found in Isaiah 54:5,6. 5For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. 6The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. But, I do have something to share with you later today that a friend went through when her husband was unfaithful to her and how it helped her. God bless you, dear aileD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Maybe I'm just stupid Ah hon... you are not stupid for heavens sake. You are compassionate and you believe in the goodness of people. So do I... And I have been hurt so many times. Those of us who are optimist... place so much faith and trust that others also reciprocate... that they won't hurt us because they have the same belief system we have. That's why god also made pessimists... to keep us grounded. Hugs sweet girl .. I swear he does not deserve you compassion 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Maybe I'm just stupid You are not stupid. Not at all. You are a woman who loves her husband and wants her marriage to last. You are a kind, compassionate, and loving woman. It takes great strength to forgive and to work toward a better future for your family after such a betrayal. The problem, dear woman, is not you. You deserve a husband who loves you and is loyal to you alone. I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't understand this and honor you the way that a husband should honor his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 God doesn't expect us to choose pain or happiness, he expects us to follow His word regardless of either. I don't believe in infinite chances. But I also don't believing in giving up easily when there is still hope and I can still see SOMETHING in him that wants to change. Aile I'm sorry for your pain I truly am. But I believe you see what you want to see. YOU are fighting for this marraige YOU are doing the work. What's the stupid saying on LS "he is where he wants to be" he is exactly where he wants to be. This is not his first A. But second. When Things where discovered he didn't end it he moved out and lived in a car with her. He continues to speak with her because he can. He tells you what you want to hear he tells the therapist what they need to hear. But he is not stopping and he wont. That is the reality. He "understands" after you explain it to him? Come on!## I understand your beliefs, I understand your stance on divorce. But there are no true consequences for his actions. He will continue to see her continue to do what he does because he know that ultimately you hold to your vows and you will fight for your marraige. I'm sorry. Truly sorry you are here. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 He is a broken child engaging with another broken child and leaving you to do all the parenting and work of he and your children. Aile grow a pair!!! Ughhhhh I'm so angry for you right now. You posted on one of my threads "You deserve better". We love to give advice to other that we don't truly believe for ourselves. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Trouble is there are no repercussions whatsoever. He does something "naughty", you get annoyed, angry, upset, he feigns innocence or denies, or comes clean, it doesn't really matter, you excuse his behaviour somehow, you then unload a load of anger onto the OW and then he says "I get it now" and he will change... But he doesn't take any heed and carries on in his own merry way as he knows there is really nothing you can do about it. He knows you are never leaving, he knows he will always see his kids - his life continues on as is, no matter what "naughty" things he may do now or in the future. It is only you that is tying yourself up in knots here. This is the problem with an unrepentant cheater and a partner that views the marriage vows as permanent. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Why can't you divorce ? ( I'm sorry but I don;t know your entire story). That's the entire reason of him doing it over and over again.You are here no matter what he does. No one said divorce is easy but I guess it's easier than living like this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 The OW wouldn't be able to come back if he didn't allow her to come back. He is the one responsible for keeping her away. ^^^ This. She is there because he wants her to. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 aileD, You know, on the subject of you stating you are weak and stupid, I want to bring out a side you may have not considered. I wrote, in the first thread, that you were standing up for a marriage with a weak husband. This is true, your husband is a weak individual. Your patience in standing by him, as he lived with his AP in the back of a car, was puzzling to most, but I understood it, or think I do. You loved him enough to let this get out of his system. In looking at his past, it is not unsurprising that he is doing this still. It took a long time for him to get out of the car with her, and even then he stayed in contact with her, for that short meeting to say "Good Bye" This is not to excuse his behavor, or say you are responsible, but to give you context. He is the type of man that, will take as long as there is no consequences. You have children, you have a family, and you have fought long and hard for them and for him. Do not think you are weak, or stupid. You courage in all this ranks up there. Many would not agree on how you went about it, but none can not agree that you really gave it a good try. So in looking back at all this, see where you are. Are you still willing to fight for this, or is this that last action that is one too many? Only you know this, and I for one think that what ever your decision, it will be the best one for you and your kids. Stupid is someone who does not see reality, or blindly holds to a course, with out looking at all the possibilities. That is not you. So what do we have? You have a very weak man that you are married too. Who quite frankly is a idiot, who doers not know what he is throwing away. You are a smart, STRONG, Woman who can fight for whatever stance she has decide she must do. You have had a set back, and what ever you decide is your way forward, you will be fine. The world needs strong women. Decide what is best for you, and yours, and hold your head high. Not many would have fought as long and as hard as you. Keep in mind your courage, and your strength. Do not doubt yourself now. As always, I wish you luck......... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 I'm so sorry for the pain your husband continues to put you through. When you are at the point that you don't want to live anymore you need to remove yourself from the situation. Not just for you but for your kids mental health as well. Once a spouse has committed adultery they have broken their marriage covenant and God sees it as broken. You are free to move on. The OW may not be with your husband at the cabin but you can bet he is talking to her while he's there. He has started the affair again. I hope you have family and a good friend to lean on. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 God doesn't expect us to choose pain or happiness, he expects us to follow His word regardless of either. I don't believe in infinite chances. But I also don't believing in giving up easily when there is still hope and I can still see SOMETHING in him that wants to change. I don't know how long you have been fighting this battle. God allows marriage for adultery. God allowed you to discover the ongoing conversations. Give up the fight. Work on you, not the marriage. I'm not saying you have to divorce. You can't fix him. He has to fix him. Look at his actions, not his words. His actions say that maintaining contact with her is more important than your feelings. The fact that she initiates the calls doesn't matter. Evict him from your bedroom. In his present state he isn't worth your time. And he won't ever wake up as long as he feels like you want to preserve the marriage no matter what, at all costs. Personally, I'd like to kick him in the nuts. (((Hugs)) I know how hard this is. And google divorceminister. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 I don't know how long you have been fighting this battle. God allows marriage for adultery. God allowed you to discover the ongoing conversations. Give up the fight. Work on you, not the marriage. I'm not saying you have to divorce. You can't fix him. He has to fix him. Look at his actions, not his words. His actions say that maintaining contact with her is more important than your feelings. The fact that she initiates the calls doesn't matter. Evict him from your bedroom. In his present state he isn't worth your time. And he won't ever wake up as long as he feels like you want to preserve the marriage no matter what, at all costs. Personally, I'd like to kick him in the nuts. (((Hugs)) I know how hard this is. And google divorceminister. Should say "divorce" for adultery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Maybe I'm just stupid Nope, and thinking this way is not going to help you. I did see some things that seem co-dependent though (explore this). You are not stupid and don't be an enemy to yourself by thinking such things! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
donbar Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I love what LWD wrote. Do not give up. You are so strong and you can survive this. You gave me some strong words when I needed help. You can make it through this and be even stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
somuchfortheone Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I love what LWD wrote. Do not give up. You are so strong and you can survive this. You gave me some strong words when I needed help. You can make it through this and be even stronger. I hate that you're going through this. You sound so much like me. We love too hard. All I can suggest is pray and take some of that love and give it to yourself. I wish I wouldn't have given all of myself away... I'm starting to think about myself again and it's nice. Have you read up on Joe Beam's limerence articles and podcasts? They're really helpful, if not. Look up marriage radio and he's also on iTunes. Check out the limerence ones in particular. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Good morning! I hope you are filled with peace today as I know you will be worshipping. Still thinking of you and lifting you up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Still thinking of you and lifting you up. Me too AileD! Sunday is the golden clasp that binds together the volume of the week. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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