Can I get her back?

[melvo]

Ok its a long story. I dated a girl for 2 years and left her for another girl. I dated the current girl for a year and a half. Basically there was a lot going on at the time. I started treating this girl badly and she left me 2 1/2 months ago. I have learned a lot about myself and know how wrong i was for mistreating her. I have no excuses. I want to change. At first i was kind of desperate and eventually she blocked me after 2 weeks. I waited a month and sent a very sincere apology to her email on our anniversary day. Then I was planning on moving on. But one week later she showed up at the apartment but she was high on Xanax bars. She was all over the place emotionally. Mostly angry and insulting me about treating her bad. She also wanted to hang out at the same time. She was confused. I'm almost 100% sure she came back because the apology letter was good. She had brought it up and got emotional. I dropped her off and she even called me back later that night to hang out again. The next day she blamed it on drugs and said not to contact her anymore and I said fine. One more week later she called me and tryed to ask about getting the cat and some of her clothes before I leave town. She knows she can get the cat whenever shes ready Ive made it clear. I think she wanted to talk. We spoke for 30 minutes on the phone but she would still insult me and i would end up arguing with her.

 

When we would start arguing with each other she would start saying "you see this is why we can never get back together" but why would she even say something like that randomly if it wasn't on her mind?

 

I ended up calling her on Saturday and we had a productive conversation for the first time for 20 minutes. She nagged at me for a few past relationship issues and i apologized and took it from her. I never said anything about getting back together but I said I could change. She then said "you've got to prove it you've got to show me somehow." Why would she say that? Does it sound like shes open to things if she does see I am changing?

I let her go off on me some more and when she got it out of her system we started to make small talk. She was at work when i called and went to the bathroom to speak with me for 20 minutes so I feel it must be important to talk to me if shes willing to hide in the bathroom at work to talk. We told each other to have a good day and I told her I would be there if she ever needed to talk.

 

The issue in this relationship was me being an ******* because certain situations in life were overwhelming me and I cope improperly with drugs and alcohol. I'm not addicted to any one substance but I tend to use a little of this and that, here and there. I only drank alcohol last year of the relationship and not heavily. I'm sure it did have an effect on my behavior. She is not on drugs bad or anything, she was just having an episode with the Xanax. She has stopped using them. She smokes weed but she was telling me shes going to quit soon. She also said I have a drug problem on the phone but I am planning on quitting drugs and alcohol for awhile.

 

My plan is to quit using drugs and alcohol for myself and maintain a job and get my own place soon. Then I wanted to take steps to reconcile starting with a sit down talk at a food place or something. I really want her back and the fact that we are talking a little again seems like a good sign. I was her first love. I took her for granted and pushed her away. She is still mad at me and hurt and doesn't trust me, I imagine. I know she has strong feelings and is confused but I know I can change. I want to win her trust back and get her back. It has been very hard for me since the break up. I have really been beating myself up about treating her bad. I am starting to get back into the swing of things and am starting a decent job tomorrow.

 

There is a whole lot more I could write but Ill start with this outline, if anyone needs extra details let me know. I will do whatever it takes to get her back. I would even do counseling for myself and for her. I just don't know what I should do next. It seems like its ok for me to contact her now. I don't know if I should wait for her to reach out or if I should call her and make small talk every once in a while. Should I text her something simple or ask her if she would like to talk on the phone? Tomorrow would have been our anniversary and I am wondering if I should send her a text just saying something friendly?

[preraph]

For anyone to take your rehab seriously, you need to be sober at least a year. Honestly, it takes that long for you to even begin to normalize and no one is impressed if you have only been sober a month or two enough to get back with you. But I'm glad you're addressing your problems. Be sure and work an AA or NA program for support and also so they can tell you're serious. But don't try to get back together anytime soon. And really, who you like while you're addicted may not even the who you like once you're sober, so get sober for your own self and good luck.

[melvo]

Its not just a drug thing. I haven't smoked weed in a whole year before the breakup. I even quit taking clonazepam which i was prescribed. I had only been drinking during the relationship and not that much. Drugs aren't the main issue here. Lets just say the drugs aren't the problem here. What advice can I get for trying to reestablish communication in a healthy way and take steps to get back together. I need to figure it out in the next few months because I am moving across the country if things don't work out. So I need a plan to get her back soon.

[d0nnivain]

You have been broken up for 2.5 months. That is not even 90 days.

 

 

There is a lot going on here -- alcohol, weed, prescription drugs & poor communication. You claim to have "changed." I'm sorry but the depths of the problems that led to the above don't suddenly disappear over night. Something was seriously wrong if you have a doctor prescribing you clonazepam. They don't start with that one. For you to suddenly stop taking it of your own accord without consulting your doctor is dangerous & ill advised.

 

 

Even if you were to get clean & sober, your recovery will be hampered by her continuing use of weed & Xanax.

 

 

Other than her cat, I don't think she has a clue as to what she wants.

 

 

I can't begin to give you advice on how to get her back in part because I don't see where reconciliation is good for you. A sober heart to heart is probably the best place to begin. Can you both do that? If so, maybe attending AA/NA together & getting relationship counseling.

[melvo]

I was prescribed klonopin because I abused xanax since I was 18 and I manipulated the doctor into giving me what I wanted. I continued to get it for 2 years and even switched doctors when I moved. They basically gave me what I wanted and I faked anxiety symptoms. I was fine as far as withdrawal goes when I stopped taking them. I think they made me more irritable when I stopped taking them.

 

She actually called me last night but she was on coke. She is not a hardcore drug addict. She just tried it for the first time a couple weeks ago. She goes on short binges like me but I hope she will quit using. We talked for an hour and a half. She said she mostly wanted to bitch me out because of all that went wrong with our relationship. She was just blaming me for everything and bringing up the past. I want to have a sober heart to heart. That was already my plan and she sounded open to it. I just need her to meet me in the middle. I would love to go to aa and na with her. When we talk on the phone it starts off fairly calm and reasonable but by the time we get close to the end she gets more aggressive and going off on me alot more harshly. She still loves me but isn't in love with me she says and she said she can't get over me. You re right it is a short amount of time for me to change and she has her own problems. I really want to change tho. She keeps pushing my buttons and if I don't respond the way she wants she gets all mad and says I can't change.

 

I know most will say I need to work on myself and issues but can someone please just put that to the side for a second and let me know what kind of signs she's giving me. It sounds like she's almost contradicting herself. I'm confused and don't know how to respond to her. I want her back and would do anything. It almost seems like if I act indifferent or like I could care less about us and my feelings she gets warmer. If I show emotion to her it feels like it pushes her away as if im coming across as needy. She says i never even loved her and Im just depressed because I'm lonely now. I really want her back. I let her down. We've been through alot and all she wanted was me to be nice to her.

 

I'm trying to figure out why's she calling me and talking to me for an hour and a half. What is going on with her. I really want to make things right with her. I really need a second chance she loved me very much. We were going to start our lives together and I let her down. I have to fix this.

 

Do I continue no contact or is it ok to text or call her every now and again? Today was our anniversary day should I at least wish her well on a text.

[d0nnivain]

The more you post, the less I can put the substances to the side. At this point if she can only communicate with you while high was does that tell you? You keep trying to justify recreational use on both of your parts but from where I sit those substances are the heart of your problem. You have made it abundantly clear that you don't want to hear that & you're looking for magic words to suddenly fix all of your problems. Unfortunately those words can only be said at a meeting & they are "Hi I'm Melvo & I'm an addict."

 

 

I will say that reconciliation requires communication so you have to reach out at minimum.

[preraph]

Its not just a drug thing. I haven't smoked weed in a whole year before the breakup. I even quit taking clonazepam which i was prescribed. I had only been drinking during the relationship and not that much. Drugs aren't the main issue here. Lets just say the drugs aren't the problem here. What advice can I get for trying to reestablish communication in a healthy way and take steps to get back together. I need to figure it out in the next few months because I am moving across the country if things don't work out. So I need a plan to get her back soon.

 

It's all the same thing: addiction. You are an addict because you become addicted to things. Alcohol is just as bad as drugs when you are addicted to it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Until you are both clean and sober, there is zero point returning to a relationship together.

 

You seem to think it's not the core issue, but you are lacking perspective.