MM is separated... should I wait this out?

[lostgirl87]

I wouldn't talk to the wife. That's pointless! Let's say your MM is telling the truth with regards to his feelings and that he is only there for the kids and he has told his wife this. If she doesn't feel that way or if she is hoping he decides to reconcile despite telling her that he is only there for a while for the kids, she will tell you that they are together and happy and working on being together. You can't trust the wife when you are the OW. Just like the wife wouldn't fully trust us.

 

If I were you, I would just wait and see what happens. Don't pursue him or question him. Go about your life for the time being. If he moves out and files for divorce then great! But if he doesn't, at least you aren't wasting more time.

 

I have to be honest, the fact that he was already living separately and moved back to the marital home (for whatever reason) raises huge red flags. I am not saying cut him off and never speak to him again but I am saying that without actions to show you that he is leaving and divorcing, you shouldn't invest more time and love into him. If what you want is a full, out in the open relationship with him then hold off until he has moved out. Otherwise you are making it too easy for him to keep you on the side.

 

Please don't think I am trying to judge you or be negative. It's not my intention. He could be telling you the truth, it wouldn't be unheard of. But for your sake, just give it a few weeks and see what happens. I wish you all the best!

[windycity]

If he's separated but living together for the comfort of a child , he should have no problem bringing you out in public, and taking you on dates. He shouldn't have a problem bringing you to his house when his kids aren't around. He should have no problem introducing you as his girlfriend to his fsmily. Does he do these things?

 

I know you don't WANT to talk to his wife. But honestly, it's the only respectful thing to do. To say to her "I know you two are separated and have a great and unique co-parenting situation. I would like to know if there's a way for me to fit into that dynamic as his girlfriend that doesn't jeopardize your parenting relationship"

 

This seems incredibly insecure and unnecessary to me. I don't need to talk to his wife about where I fit in their dynamic. That's not what I'm worried about.

 

Why would he bring me into their house when she and the kids aren't around? That's what's really disrespectful to her, IMO.

[jenkins95]

I wouldn't talk to the wife. That's pointless! Let's say your MM is telling the truth with regards to his feelings and that he is only there for the kids and he has told his wife this. If she doesn't feel that way or if she is hoping he decides to reconcile despite telling her that he is only there for a while for the kids, she will tell you that they are together and happy and working on being together. You can't trust the wife when you are the OW. Just like the wife wouldn't fully trust us.

 

If I were you, I would just wait and see what happens. Don't pursue him or question him. Go about your life for the time being. If he moves out and files for divorce then great! But if he doesn't, at least you aren't wasting more time.

 

I have to be honest, the fact that he was already living separately and moved back to the marital home (for whatever reason) raises huge red flags. I am not saying cut him off and never speak to him again but I am saying that without actions to show you that he is leaving and divorcing, you shouldn't invest more time and love into him. If what you want is a full, out in the open relationship with him then hold off until he has moved out. Otherwise you are making it too easy for him to keep you on the side.

 

Please don't think I am trying to judge you or be negative. It's not my intention. He could be telling you the truth, it wouldn't be unheard of. But for your sake, just give it a few weeks and see what happens. I wish you all the best!

 

 

I think lost girl is spot on here.

 

(((windy))) It seems like you really love him and, despite the genuine concerns the other posters have raised, it seems like he is genuinely taking steps to end his marriage and be with you. There is cause for cautious optimism, but these things are notoriously difficult and prone to change and his wife and children deserve the utmost respect and consideration in what lies ahead.

 

If I were you, I would tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but ask him that, if he loves you, he will agree to maintain complete and strict NC with you until not only he is divorced, but until such a time as he has established a new stability and set of routines with his children and co-parenting arrangement with his wife (sounds like they already have this pretty much covered). This will take months, maybe over a year. But if you truly are meant to be together, you will both stick to it and do things properly for everyone.

 

If he then approaches you with divorce papers in is hand and can show you that he did things the proper way, gave his wife respect and put his children first, then you could start something really exciting on a genuinely equal footing.

 

It would be awful to be introduced to his children when all this is up in the air and all their lives are a bomb-site. Step back and let them go through the process they have to go through. If it then happens, you can eventually be introduced to his children not as the agent who helped destroy his marriage and their home, but as a new friend who is helping to make Daddy happy after they all went through such a hellish process.

 

I think this is the best way to give any possible future relationship the best possible chance. Don't put yourself in the position where you could be labelled home-wrecker, don't be seen to be putting pressure on him. This is his marriage, his family - he has to deal with it. It has to be about them without the influence of a third party - don't be the reason he leaves, that could come back to bite you. Take yourself completely out of the equation, and if he comes to you in 12 months, settled, divorced and still completely in love with you (and you him), then you've hit the jackpot. If not, then it wasn't meant to be, but at least you've removed yourself from all the possible hurt, damage and destruction that could be on the path for all of them (and you) - the only person you'd need to work on then would be you - and you CAN get over him if you need to. It happens every day - we see it here all the time.

 

Goody luck windy, whatever you decide.

Edited June 12, 2017 by jenkins95

[lostgirl87]

I think lost girl is spot on here.

 

(((windy))) It seems like you really love him and, despite the genuine concerns the other posters have raised, it seems like he is genuinely taking steps to end his marriage and be with you. There is cause for cautious optimism, but these things are notoriously difficult and prone to change and his wife and children deserve the utmost respect and consideration in what lies ahead.

 

If I were you, I would tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but ask him that, if he loves you, he will agree to maintain complete and strict NC with you until not only he is divorced, but until such a time as he has established a new stability and set of routines with his children and co-parenting arrangement with his wife (sounds like they already have this pretty much covered). This will take months, maybe over a year. But if you truly are meant to be together, you will both stick to it and do things properly for everyone.

 

If he then approaches you with divorce papers in is hand and can show you that he did things the proper way, gave his wife respect and put his children first, then you could start something really exciting on a genuinely equal footing.

 

It would be awful to be introduced to his children when all this is up in the air and all their lives are a bomb-site. Step back and let them go through the process they have to go through. If it then happens, you can eventually be introduced to his children not as the agent who helped destroy his marriage and their home, but as a new friend who is helping to make Daddy happy after they all went through such a hellish process.

 

I think this is the best way to give any possible future relationship the best possible chance. Don't put yourself in the position where you could be labelled home-wrecker, don't be seen to be putting pressure on him. This is his marriage, his family - he has to deal with it. It has to be about them without the influence of a third party - don't be the reason he leaves, that could come back to bite you. Take yourself completely out of the equation, and if he comes to you in 12 months, settled, divorced and still completely in love with you (and you him), then you've hit the jackpot. If not, then it wasn't meant to be, but at least you've removed yourself from all the possible hurt, damage and destruction that could be on the path for all of them (and you) - the only person you'd need to work on then would be you - and you CAN get over him if you need to. It happens every day - we see it here all the time.

 

Goody luck windy, whatever you decide.

Thanks for writing this! Although meant for windycity, it helps me as well

[aileD]

This seems incredibly insecure and unnecessary to me. I don't need to talk to his wife about where I fit in their dynamic. That's not what I'm worried about.

 

Why would he bring me into their house when she and the kids aren't around? That's what's really disrespectful to her, IMO.

 

It's not disrespectful or insecure to verify the truth with the woman he's married to and living with.

 

He could be telling you anything. Fact is, he's still married AND he still lives there. Like someone else said "huge red flags". And there's the whole "actions vs words" thing. It's only respectful to her to verify with HER that they're really separated in the way that he says.

 

Even if you don't like the way I worded it a simple call saying hey your husband says he's separated from you, I just want to make sure " would work.

 

They're two people in that marriage. Not just him. His wife is a person too. She exists.

 

Just saying

Edited June 12, 2017 by aileD

[minimariah]

It was definitely a year after he moved out.

 

in that case - i wouldn't really label you as the other woman.

 

to be honest - i don't think he's lying to you. i think he's telling the truth and no, you absolutely should NOT contact his wife & ask her **** - give him time. if i were you, i'd give myself a couple of months. maybe until November. that's more than enough to see how serious he is about the divorce and if he does move back in, you'll be ready to move on wih your life. he should make some serious steps soon enough so it's okay to wait it out for a bit more, you'll know everything you need to know soon anyway since he plans to move out and file this summer.

 

when people move out - those first couple of weeks, months are VERY hard. i assume that the kids will live with their mother or they plan to have 50/50 custody --- either way, there is a chunk of time he won't get to spend with his kids because they'll be with their mother... those first weekends or days or weeks away from the kids are VERY HARD and you should support him during that time; people go into full panic + anxiety mode over that and instead of just sitting tight and getting used to it... they move back in, during the moment of panic. they feel bad and IN THAT MOMENT, they just want to make things better so they make decisions they didn't really think through. so bouncing back and forth isn't so uncommon and people usually DO stay out - they just need more time to adjust to the situation. so i think that he WILL stay out, this time... he just needs to be reminded that it's important to be consisent with his decisions.

 

IF he does move back in again? than that's your sign to let him go.

 

They have a verbal custody agreement. Same one as they agreed to when he first moved out. This is my worry too that if or when he files it won't be as smooth as he's making it out to be.

 

if they have an agreement, if they both agree on their kids future - then the divorce will go smooth. you mentioned a custody battle so i assumed that they have a horrible co-parent relationship and that they cannot agree about the custody... if that is the case - the divorce usually drags out because the court decides on the custody.

 

however - if they agree and have an arrangement that they're both okay with and if they plan to present it jointly to the judge... it should be fast and easy. in most states, assets can be divided after the divorce. so his plan probably is realistic.

 

Her family is also very religious so divorce is a whole other level.

 

i think your partner worries too much about it. been there, done that - my X & myself are the first EVER to get divorced in his side of the family. so you can imagine the outrage, however - people accept the situation and move on. that ZOMG period doesn't last long.

 

it's really great that he's being caring towards them but he shouldn't dwell too much over it because it just makes things harder - tell them and STICK with the decision. no details or too much explaining. trust me... once it's on, it's a never ending "BUT, can't you try again...?" circle of discussions. avoid that.

 

I am curious why you say it's a trap though.

 

i think it's a trap in an emotional sense.

 

to be clear - i think he's honest with you. and yes, you should inform yourself about your lover's past and his life choices which include his marriage and divorce and past relationships and so on... but you should never get TOO invested. we all rewrite our histories at the end of our relationships - so take what he says with a small grain of salt. he's obviously biased and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

it's important to be emotionally neutral and i think people lose that when they get too involved with their partner's divorce - you should be supportive but you should also stay out if it. a family falling apart is a very sensitive situation and you need to be very careful - especially if you want to build a good relationship with his X, as a stepmother to their kids. often, people don't even notice when they're too negatively filled towards the other person... it's like - the more you play your partner's therapist and the more you hear about the ex (and you'll probably hear the bad stuff because that's natural - he'll seek support from you so he'll talk to you about her only when he has a problem with her; he won't just casually praise her)... the more you lose your ability to stay neutral. during the small arguments, you'll start to see whatever the ex does and says in a negative light and that's where the drama and nervousness sets in - it's a very slow subconscious process so it's always best to keep your distance.

 

you be supportive but he is the one who should deal with his marriage. and if he wants to REALLY vent - he should hire a therapist. that was my point - it's a very slippery slope and you should be aware and careful.

[minimariah]

It's not disrespectful or insecure to verify the truth with the woman he's married to and living with.

 

i think it is. it's incredibly awkward as well. her partner isn't a child and his wife isn't a parent for the OP to check in and verify - if the OP doesn't trust him, she should not be with him. if she does, she obviously should stick with her choice and see if he'll come through with the plans.

 

she'll know soon enough if he's lying to her - he should be moving out and filing this summer. if he does that, obviously he is being truthful. if not - she can move on with her life.

 

i think randomly contacting a complete stranger and asking her about her private life in a sensitive moment is a HUGE NO.

[cocorico]

Seems I'm going to be the contrary voice again

 

My H also had a separation from his xW, during which he was very happily separated - which was also ended because of concern on his part for the kids. (In his case, she walked out to be with her OM, and begged to come back when he dumped her. H agreed to allow her back - with numerous promises on her side - for the sake of the kids, who were doing really badly.) Yes, he now recognises it as a stupid thing to do - that he should have stood firm and sent her packing, that he should have insisted the kids get proper counselling, etc - but back then, he did what he thought was best for the kids.

 

They also lived very separate lives. They had the separate bedrooms, separate family lives, etc - as I know from his kids, his family, and close friends. When we got together we were an open couple to his family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, etc. They weren't a couple in any way aside from sharing an address.

 

And, once the kids were "old enough" / settled and stable enough to face another split, he left. We've been happily together for ages now. Clearly it does happen.

 

Will it happen in your case? Maybe. There aren't enough details to be able to say conclusively one way or the other. Given that he's said he'll move out soon, it's worth waiting it out to see. If he does, whoop whoop; and if not, it's only a few more weeks on a R that's already two years old.

 

Of course he might move back - there are never guarantees in life - but if they have a custody agreement that works for both of them and the kids, it's far more sustainable. I wouldn't fret about that at this point. He needs to plan how he'll handle things unravelling for the kids - they've now learned that that brings daddy back - and ensure that the split is handled well by both parties to support the kids. My H's kids were much happier post- split so it is possible.

 

Good luck

[stillafool]

You ask should you wait it out; but what would you be missing if you don't wait?

[anika99]

i think it is. it's incredibly awkward as well. her partner isn't a child and his wife isn't a parent for the OP to check in and verify - if the OP doesn't trust him, she should not be with him. if she does, she obviously should stick with her choice and see if he'll come through with the plans.

 

she'll know soon enough if he's lying to her - he should be moving out and filing this summer. if he does that, obviously he is being truthful. if not - she can move on with her life.

 

i think randomly contacting a complete stranger and asking her about her private life in a sensitive moment is a HUGE NO.

 

True. I could never in a million years imagine myself calling a man's wife to verify if the is separated or not. If I had that much insecurity and distrust I would end the relationship.

 

I've only been with 2 guys with kids and in both cases their relationships with the mom were long over. There was never any secrecy or hiding our relationship. I met the guys family, friends, kids and yes even his kids mom. Complete and total transparency regarding his past and his present life. I would not accept any less. Nor would I expect a guy to I was seeing to happily sit on the side while I went back to my kids' dad for the good of the children. I might sincerely be only acting in the best interests of my children but if that's case then clearly I do not have my personal life or family life in order and should therefore not be considering another serious relationship or dragging anyone else into my messy marriage/divorce and family problems.

[aileD]

i think it is. it's incredibly awkward as well. her partner isn't a child and his wife isn't a parent for the OP to check in and verify - if the OP doesn't trust him, she should not be with him. if she does, she obviously should stick with her choice and see if he'll come through with the plans.

 

she'll know soon enough if he's lying to her - he should be moving out and filing this summer. if he does that, obviously he is being truthful. if not - she can move on with her life.

 

i think randomly contacting a complete stranger and asking her about her private life in a sensitive moment is a HUGE NO.

 

Not if she's a part of that private life. Anyway I get it. I'm just a bitter BS who wishes someone would have verified with ME. HIS WIFE. That OUR marriage was actually over and we were just together for the kids (lies) before they got involved because I would have said "bullish..T, but I thank you for saying something before you got involved." It would have saved her and me and him 2 years of heartache and hell.

Edited June 13, 2017 by aileD

[jenkins95]

Not if she's a part of that private life. Anyway I get it. I'm just a bitter BS who wishes someone would have verified with ME. HIS WIFE. That OUR marriage was actually over and we were just together for the kids (lies) before they got involved because I would have said "bullish..T, but I thank you for saying something before you got involved." It would have saved her and me and him 2 years of heartache and hell.

 

 

This is quite a compelling argument aileD. There is a lot of logic to this and if every OW approached the MM's wife like this to find out the truth of the nature of the marital relationship before investing all their hopes in him, then surely a lot of heartbreak would be avoided, or at least expediated in very many cases.

 

The trouble is that you're looking at this from the stance that you and your H are the primary partnership and the OW the outsider (happened to be true). In her situation, however, windy is approaching it from the stance that she and MM are the primary partnership and the wife is the outsider. In her mind, the partnership, the trust relationship and the love relationship are her and the MM, whereas the W is the outsider - the obstacle to be navigated if you like.

 

With this in mind, her going behind MM's back to seek reassurance from the W would violate the trust relationship between her and MM and, indeed, I imagine he would not be best pleased to learn that she had done this. It could introduce issues into their relationship.

 

It would be much better if windy could somehow get a bug into their house - some kind of VAR perhaps, without either of them knowing. Now, that would be very interesting to listen to and windy should know very quickly how the land lies between them.

 

And yes, I am (partly) joking with this suggestion! Would be very interesting to hear it though!

Edited June 13, 2017 by jenkins95

[aileD]

The trouble is that you're looking at this from the stance that you and your H are the primary partnership and the OW the outsider (happened to be true). In her situation, however, windy is approaching it from the stance that she and MM are the primary partnership and the wife is the outsider. In her mind, the partnership, the trust relationship and the love relationship are her and the MM, whereas the W is the outsider - the obstacle to be navigated if you like.

 

 

Well this is the problem. She needs to wake up to reality. As long as he's married and living together, she is not the primary relationship. If she's got to sneak around, she's not the primary. If she thinks it's inappropriate to talk to his wife, she's not the primary. If you have to come to an online forum and post your story in the other woman section, you're not the primary. While I'm sure it's difficult because they did have a relationship when he was separated and moved out.....the reality is that he did NOT get divorced and he DID move back in with his wife. These aren't opinions, they're facts.

 

Truth is, he totally screwed her. All while putting on his shiny coat of "it's for the kids" armor. He already has a history of leaving and going back, and now he wants her to wait around so he can have her on the side while not losing any of the comforts of marriage. Fact is: Divorce effs up kids. It just does. It's not good for them. But people still do it. He can still do it. Is she going to wait around til the child is 18? All power to her if she wants to wait that long and waste her life on the HOPES that once the kids are grown he'll want to leave half his money,possessions and retirement for her.

 

I know it's hard because feelings are involved and he seems genuine, but actions actions actions. "Call me when the divorce is final" should be what everyone says to anyone that tries to pursue them while they're married no matter what the circumstances.

 

And yes!!!!! It would be awesome to have a VAR!!! Maybe she could put one in his car, catch some conversations with his wife and see what they're about

 

 

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER ...and right now she has no knowlege. She only has what he feeds her.

[minimariah]

Is she going to wait around til the child is 18?

 

she doesn't need to wait 18 years - she needs to wait for a couple of months. she will now what it is this summer, when he plans to move on and file. his actions THIS SUMMER will tell her everything she needs to know.

 

in a sensitive situation, she has no business meeting the wife or even being out in the open with the relationship. verifying ANYTHING is a paradox - if you need to verify with another person to know what your love interest says is true... then your relationship is dead and you should be moving on. i cannot imagine VERIFYING wih another person, a stranger, to see if my partner is telling the truth. if it gets to that point, i'll just pack my bags - it's easier.

 

i really think you're overreacting. he told her his plan and she should see how it plays out in the next couple of weeks. it's completely possible and probably true that they live separately and that he plans to move out - he went back in once which is common. of course he doesn't bring her around his kids, in his house, his wife... that does not mean that he is lying. it just means that he has some common sense - you wait for the right time to introuce everyone in the normal situation, not to mention something like this. again, the OP will see how it plays out in the next month already and she should go from there. she doesn't plan to wait for YEARS, no need to take it that far.

 

and i understand the BS point of view, been there & done that - but again... if someone dared to call me in the middle of divorce to VERIFY if we are indeed divorcing? i'd hung up.

[windycity]

Well this is the problem. She needs to wake up to reality. As long as he's married and living together, she is not the primary relationship. If she's got to sneak around, she's not the primary. If she thinks it's inappropriate to talk to his wife, she's not the primary. If you have to come to an online forum and post your story in the other woman section, you're not the primary. While I'm sure it's difficult because they did have a relationship when he was separated and moved out.....the reality is that he did NOT get divorced and he DID move back in with his wife. These aren't opinions, they're facts.

 

Truth is, he totally screwed her. All while putting on his shiny coat of "it's for the kids" armor. He already has a history of leaving and going back, and now he wants her to wait around so he can have her on the side while not losing any of the comforts of marriage. Fact is: Divorce effs up kids. It just does. It's not good for them. But people still do it. He can still do it. Is she going to wait around til the child is 18? All power to her if she wants to wait that long and waste her life on the HOPES that once the kids are grown he'll want to leave half his money,possessions and retirement for her.

 

I know it's hard because feelings are involved and he seems genuine, but actions actions actions. "Call me when the divorce is final" should be what everyone says to anyone that tries to pursue them while they're married no matter what the circumstances.

 

And yes!!!!! It would be awesome to have a VAR!!! Maybe she could put one in his car, catch some conversations with his wife and see what they're about

 

 

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER ...and right now she has no knowlege. She only has what he feeds her.

 

I see a lot of projection and assumptions here. Our situations are completely different, but I understand that you are coming from a hurt and bitter place. I'm sorry about what happened to you, and I wish someone would have told you. If you need someone to talk to or vent your anger, feel free to PM me.

[windycity]

Since he is moving out in 6 weeks I don't see a reason for you not to wait and see if that part really happens. However if your security and happiness is contingent on him being divorced by the end of the year then I don't think you are going to be very happy.

 

Now that you've pointed it out (and thank you for doing so)... no, my happiness is not contingent on him being divorced by the end of the year. I mean, it would suck, but I'm also trying to be realistic about things. I have to think about my next step, too.

 

So anything can happen but there is no way to know what will happen and there's no point in asking the seperated/divorcing man what will happen because he doesn't know either. What he says today can change tomorrow. If you are going to be involved with a divorcing man then you have to be okay with taking it one day at a time and living in the moment. You have to be okay with knowing that your relationship with him may or may not last. You have to be okay with letting him handle his divorce in his own way on his own timeline. If you are gong to try to run the show by insisting he must do this and that on your schedule in order to make you happy then you are in for misery. It sounds like you are in a big hurry for him to seperate and divorce quickly but you have to accept that you have no say or control over his marriage or his divorce. If you can't accept that then you probably shouldn't wait.

 

Thank you for this. It's what I need to hear... it's the uncertainty that's getting to me, but you're right that I have no control over anything, things can always change and to just let things fold out how they may.

 

It's funny because in bold is exactly what he said to me. It's not so much that I'm in a hurry, but I want to be SURE that we'll have the relationship and life we want, but that can't ever if he's still married. But there's no such thing as being sure, is there?

[windycity]

I think, since he is back home, you need to wait and see if he actually divorced. When men are done, they usually mean it so the back and forth doesn't bode well.

 

Not only thaT, what are your PLANS oncE he does move out? You need to live separately, date, let his kids adjust. Does he talk about this stuff? Do you have a plan?

 

This is what you need to consider. And don't interact with his wife.

 

Those are really good questions, and something I should spend more time considering. I don't know. I don't plan on moving in with him soon after, and I don't think REALLY dating right after he moves out is realistic. We have talked about it and what it's going to be like for both of us and his children and what our fears and worries are, so I plan on living my life the same way and just be more patient and supportive because I know it won't be easy for anyone. I guess I don't have a solid plan other than that.

[windycity]

I don't believe this. If they are 'only' together for their kids, don't you think they DO go out on family outings with the kids? Celebrate birthdays them? See the extended family's? Seems no different than a typical MM telling his OW what she wants to hear. I mean if he told you they were sleeping in the same room how would you feel?

 

I don't have a problem with them going on family outings, celebrating birthdays, seeing extended families, etc. That's part of the package, even if they were already divorced. I don't expect him to stop being a good father just because I'm in the picture. But just because he does these things doesn't mean they're back together or that they're not living separate lives.

 

Maybe I am missing something... and if so, please elaborate. Thanks.

[windycity]

I wouldn't talk to the wife. That's pointless! Let's say your MM is telling the truth with regards to his feelings and that he is only there for the kids and he has told his wife this. If she doesn't feel that way or if she is hoping he decides to reconcile despite telling her that he is only there for a while for the kids, she will tell you that they are together and happy and working on being together. You can't trust the wife when you are the OW. Just like the wife wouldn't fully trust us.

 

If I were you, I would just wait and see what happens. Don't pursue him or question him. Go about your life for the time being. If he moves out and files for divorce then great! But if he doesn't, at least you aren't wasting more time.

 

I have to be honest, the fact that he was already living separately and moved back to the marital home (for whatever reason) raises huge red flags. I am not saying cut him off and never speak to him again but I am saying that without actions to show you that he is leaving and divorcing, you shouldn't invest more time and love into him. If what you want is a full, out in the open relationship with him then hold off until he has moved out. Otherwise you are making it too easy for him to keep you on the side.

 

Please don't think I am trying to judge you or be negative. It's not my intention. He could be telling you the truth, it wouldn't be unheard of. But for your sake, just give it a few weeks and see what happens. I wish you all the best!

 

I don't know how I missed this post, but it's excellent advice. He doesn't know this, but I had considered cutting him off when he first told me he was moving back in. I agree, it was a HUGE red flag for me. We talked it out for some time, so instead of cutting him off I pulled back some and still do. It's really hard, but I guess it's my way of protecting myself by not over investing. Thank you so much.

[windycity]

lostgirl87, I also wanted to add, regarding not questioning him... I guess you kinda validated my approach? We had a couple good, long talks about it, but I left it alone after that. Checked in about the situation about 6 months after he moved back in, and then again when he told me he had found a new place and put in a deposit. He brought up that conversation, not me (to my surprise).

 

I was worried that maybe I needed to put more pressure on him to take action on filing, but it's not something I want to fight about, and if the situation were reversed I wouldn't want him to do that to me, so I just kinda leave it alone. When we talk or when we're together, I want it to be happy, not keep pushing him or make demands that I know he can't deliver right now.

[minimariah]

just to be devil's advocate.

 

so he was out of his home for about... two years, at least. am i right...? during that time, he didn't want to file because he was worried about the stress BUT he seems to have a good relationship with his wife as a co-parent and they seem to agree on the custody. so why did he wait for more than one year to file?

 

also - what did change from then to now that would make him stay out and finally file? did his kids get better or? what were the changes?

[windycity]

I think lost girl is spot on here.

 

(((windy))) It seems like you really love him and, despite the genuine concerns the other posters have raised, it seems like he is genuinely taking steps to end his marriage and be with you. There is cause for cautious optimism, but these things are notoriously difficult and prone to change and his wife and children deserve the utmost respect and consideration in what lies ahead.

 

If I were you, I would tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but ask him that, if he loves you, he will agree to maintain complete and strict NC with you until not only he is divorced, but until such a time as he has established a new stability and set of routines with his children and co-parenting arrangement with his wife (sounds like they already have this pretty much covered). This will take months, maybe over a year. But if you truly are meant to be together, you will both stick to it and do things properly for everyone.

 

If he then approaches you with divorce papers in is hand and can show you that he did things the proper way, gave his wife respect and put his children first, then you could start something really exciting on a genuinely equal footing.

 

It would be awful to be introduced to his children when all this is up in the air and all their lives are a bomb-site. Step back and let them go through the process they have to go through. If it then happens, you can eventually be introduced to his children not as the agent who helped destroy his marriage and their home, but as a new friend who is helping to make Daddy happy after they all went through such a hellish process.

 

I think this is the best way to give any possible future relationship the best possible chance. Don't put yourself in the position where you could be labelled home-wrecker, don't be seen to be putting pressure on him. This is his marriage, his family - he has to deal with it. It has to be about them without the influence of a third party - don't be the reason he leaves, that could come back to bite you. Take yourself completely out of the equation, and if he comes to you in 12 months, settled, divorced and still completely in love with you (and you him), then you've hit the jackpot. If not, then it wasn't meant to be, but at least you've removed yourself from all the possible hurt, damage and destruction that could be on the path for all of them (and you) - the only person you'd need to work on then would be you - and you CAN get over him if you need to. It happens every day - we see it here all the time.

 

Goody luck windy, whatever you decide.

 

Hi, Jenkins, thanks for giving me the male perspective. I mentioned in another post that I had definitely considered going strict NC. That's spot on that I didn't want to put myself in a position where I could be labeled as a home wrecker, so it's definitely one of my fears. I get what you mean about stepping back and letting them go through the process. It's hard not getting involved, but somehow, some way I'm letting him handle his marriage and family life his own way and not ask any more questions than I needed to.

 

Thank you again. I really appreciate the heartfelt advice.

[windycity]

just to be devil's advocate.

 

so he was out of his home for about... two years, at least. am i right...? during that time, he didn't want to file because he was worried about the stress BUT he seems to have a good relationship with his wife as a co-parent and they seem to agree on the custody. so why did he wait for more than one year to file?

 

also - what did change from then to now that would make him stay out and finally file? did his kids get better or? what were the changes?

 

thanks again for being a devil's advocate. it helps me put some things into perspective and think about things I hadn't thought about before.

 

He didn't want to file because it wasn't very high on his list of priorities. He was focused on his kids, particularly the older one who was acting out, like running away from the mom's house to stay with him, ditching school, things like that. He also thought officially filing would make things worse.

 

As for custody, yes they have a verbal agreement, but a part of him fears that she will retaliate and go back on her word when the papers are filed.

 

I don't know what has changed between then and now. That's a good question to ask him. He has said that he wants to be with me and he knows we can't have a real, proper relationship and future if he's still married and living in the same room as his (ex)wife. That's neither here nor there though, I don't think I'm actually a good reason or that I have the power to drive someone to end his marriage.

 

What is a good reason is that he has told me is that he can't do it anymore because he is not happy and wasn't happy in the marriage for a long time, but as a parent he is sacrificing his own happiness for his kid. At the same time he is questioning how he can really take care of them if he is not at a good, happy place in his life. Sure, they're great co-parents, but they're not great at living together. You can only hold back so much and pretend things are happy for your kids. He said moving back in was an eye opener, but he didn't go into detail.

 

To be perfectly honest, it worries me that him moving back in gave his kid a false hope of reconciliation. It's really none of my business, but just a concern that I've expressed to him.

Edited June 13, 2017 by windycity
Add last paragraph

[lostgirl87]

lostgirl87, I also wanted to add, regarding not questioning him... I guess you kinda validated my approach? We had a couple good, long talks about it, but I left it alone after that. Checked in about the situation about 6 months after he moved back in, and then again when he told me he had found a new place and put in a deposit. He brought up that conversation, not me (to my surprise).

 

I was worried that maybe I needed to put more pressure on him to take action on filing, but it's not something I want to fight about, and if the situation were reversed I wouldn't want him to do that to me, so I just kinda leave it alone. When we talk or when we're together, I want it to be happy, not keep pushing him or make demands that I know he can't deliver right now.

Yup- you've got it! I agree with not pushing him on something he isn't ready for. I'm speaking from experience. I figured if I brought it up enough that he would move faster. It had the opposition effect. We ended up fighting constantly and I was trying to rush something that he needed to do on his time. Yes my situation was different bc he was never separated like your guy but I'm sure the effect would be the same.

 

Regardless of how done he may be with the actual marriage, it is still a difficult and stressful time for him. Especially bc of the children. Be there for him and let him know you love him and that you're in this with him but don't add to his stress. That also doesn't mean you should be a doormat which it doesn't sound like you are. You seem very understanding and patient and that's what he needs from you right now.

 

Enjoy your time with him but don't sacrifice yourself. There's a happy medium between pressuring him and being too accepting and I think you've found it. Let time do its thing. If you want to back off a bit, that would be ok too. I don't think full NC is necessary but I'd let him be the one to put the effort into contacting me. When he does contact you, enjoy it. Be your usual self and everything will fall into place the way it's supposed to. If in a few weeks or months you notice that he's stalking or things are moving backwards then at that point you can reevaluate. But for right now, I think you're ok.

[teak]

Don't wait. If he does go through with all of the things he says, you'll hear from him. I would be distancing myself now. It just sounds like you're being strung along. I have had my fair share of leading men out of marriages they hadn't had the guts to leave before, and I have to tell you how much happier you will be when he has transitioned into a single person, no longer the man he had to be to hold his family or marriage together. Let him be alone. Or let him screw around and find out how lonely it is out there. He needs to come into himself and he needs to WANT you. It sounds risky and like you could lose everything, but you don't have anything right now. Do the things you need to do to get over this relationship, and if it is going to be something later on, well, you'll pick it up and enjoy it. I just hate the idea of anyone waiting for someone.