Keeps getting better and better

[Ladybird78]

Hello everyone! New here.

 

I have so many questions, but I will start my story off from the beginning

 

I met my husband when I was 18, he was 28. When we met he was in a relationship with the mother of his 3 children. He told me he was done but stayed Because of their children. I became the other woman, for a short time. He moved out (or so he says) a couple of months later.

 

 

Fast forward

 

Married almost 20 years. I've been with him my entire adult life. Things were good, until I got pregnant with our first child together (our son is almost 8) - things started going down hill. He became distant, during my pregnancy we stopped having sex all together. He decided that for both of us. We didnt have sex for an entire year and a half!

 

 

We were married 12 years, before I got pregnant. I got pregnant again in 2013. Getting pregnant both times came as a shock, because we had problems getting pregnant, anyway. Our daughter was born 2 days before Christmas. I got my tubes tied right after she was born. After having 2 c-sections I was done . having 2 children was more then I had ever hoped to have. I had given up ever having a child after I turned 30.

 

Things never got better. He has been distant, emotional withdrawn for years. I became distant, I had to detatch because it was slowly killing me.

 

Our sex life has improved drasticly, recently.

 

I have suspected my husband of having an affair off an on (with different woman) our entire marriage. The first time was back in 99 or 2000. Only a couple of years in. I have never bene able to prove any of it. Other then a gut feeling something was off.

 

Fast forward to the middle of may 2017 -

 

I started getting weird feelings being on the phone with him (he worked graveyard) every time a female co worker walked into the room, he would have to go. He was the lead for night shift.

 

In march of 2017. He told me he had to take a male co worker (well call him "A) to the hospital, because he cut his hand open and needed stitches. No big fat hairy deal, right. I didnt think much of it at the time.

 

I started getting the feeling that things were "off" again. He started picking fights with me every chance he got, still distant and withdrawn, its like he just didnt want to be here. Snapping at our children and me.

 

I decided to take a look at his phone - while he was asleep. I saw several text messages from "A" starting when he took him to the hospital. I read them all. Come to find out that "A" is actually a female coworker, I'll call her "M". I figured that out because hubby told me that "M's" uncle died. It was mentioned in a text message . so "A" and "M" are the same person.

 

I confronted him 2 days later. Now at the time the texts were just friendly and there was nothing there other then that. But the fact that he hid her from me under a males name Instead of her name under coworker in his phone made me think there was more going on and he didnt want me to know about it. He admitted lying about who she was to spare my feelings. He thought I would freak out, so lying was better. I wouldn't have freaked out, if he would have been honest ....

 

Now before I confronted him. the previous Thursday (4 days before confront). He called in sick. He went to go get ciggs. He called her 5 miinutes after he left the house. at first he denied he called her. " Ive never called her" until I called him out on his bs. He then said he called her to see how things were going at work. If he wanted to know how things were going at work, he would have called the ex night lead Instead. He was there too.

 

2 days later Saturday - (2 days before confront) I spent the day with my mom, most of the day ( my step dad died the end of April). I checked his phone and there were deleted text messages . but they still showed up in his call log history as deleted. He texted her from the time I left 2:30 pm, until the time I got home 8:30 pm.

 

There have been phone calls between the 2 of them while at Work and text messages while they are supposed to be working. I know there was a reason he deleted all text messages, it was something he didnt want me seeing.

 

May 22nd was confront and I wish I would have kept my mouth shut. He got very defensive when asked. Nothing is going on, I'm not cheating on you. I'm not her type, I'm not into fat chicks. She's old enough to be my oldest daughter. We're just friends. I heard every excuse in the book that day. The fact is he hid who she was and refered to her as male. Why would he do that if there was nothing to hide?

 

The following day - I found a number on his phone that was supposed to be from an old coworker from his last job. I do remember seeing it before then, been there for a couple of years...

 

When I did a reverse number search it came up as an escorts phone number. The same woman on 3 different sites. When I called the number it was no longer in service. When i confronted him about that the next day he told me that number belonged to a coworker from his last job. Uh huh. I dont believe in coincidences, Because there are none.

 

I finally installed a key logger on his phone on may 31st a little to late. There is absolutely nothing .... No unknown number, nothing. Of course I did it too damn late. I should have done it when I found out he was hiding her and before I confronted him with what very little I had. Smdh.

 

The only thing that has been semi useful is the GPS tracker .. There are significant gaps in the logs. Now a keylogger only works on the account its installed on. So if he were to switch to another user account on his phone , they key logger and the gps would stop working.

 

Just this last week, he switched shifts to days. Every night since June 2nd there have been significant gaps in GPS history. At first I thought it could be a glitch but it happenes every night around 1230 am to about 330 am every morning. On His days off - the gaps are longer. I think he has another user account on his phone . when I'm sleeping he gets up and switches to that account. All.files and apps are separate.

 

He got really defensive and smashed his phone into the stove several time when I asked him if he had another account - he then told me to PROVE he had another account. That i intend to do, once I figure out where to set up the video camera -

 

These are all the red flags -

 

1. Your mate is more attentive to your needs than usual.

This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her affair. The attention will diminish as the affair continues.

3. Your mate's behavior is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right.

If this happens, pay attention to your instincts. Ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth. You know your mate's habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change.

4. Your mate frequently picks fights with you.

Doing this gives him reason to get mad and storm out of the house and thus the opportunity to meet a lover. A cheater may also do this because of mixed emotions he is feeling about betraying you.

5. Your mate constantly talks about your relationship ending when you fight or argue.

She says things like, "What would you do if our relationship ended?" or "If anything ever happened to us, I would always love you like a friend." In general, she seems very negative about your relationship. Your mate makes these statements because she has a lover to fall back on if your relationship ends. If your partner repeats these kinds of statements often, be suspicious.

6. Your mate becomes very moody.

He or she seems very upbeat and excited when leaving you but acts somber and depressed when around you. If your mate is in a long-term affair, he/she will try to keep both relationships running smoothly. Any problems the cheater has in one relationship will spill over into the other relationship as well. This is inevitable.

7. Your mate never talks to you.

You live together but don't interact. He has become cold and inconsiderate of your feelings.

8. Your mate's taste in music suddenly changes.

For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music. Your partner might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because her lover listens to it.

9. Your mate lacks self-esteem.

This doesn't necessarily mean he will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance. If an insecure person's needs aren't being met, he might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.

10. Your mate continually criticizes another person.

She is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest to her, although there actually exists a secret attraction.

12. Your mate easily becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.

13. Your mate stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.

14. Your mate begins closing doors when you are around, when before he or she would leave them open.

For instance, the bathroom-door rule: Couples in long-term relationships often leave their bathroom doors open while attending to necessities even if their partners are nearby. As affairs develop, the cheating mates will close bathroom doors, distancing themselves physically and psychologically from their partners.

18. Your mate turns the table and accuses you of cheating but has no evidence.

 

20. Your mate shows no interest in your relationship's future.

21. Your mate stops being affectionate.

22. Your mate is more interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.

23. Your mate frequently talks about the problems a friend, neighbor, coworker, course instructor or classmate of the opposite sex is having.

26. Your mate has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn.

But when you ask about it, he doesn't want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.

27. Your mate seems disinterested and distracted during sex.

 

31. Your mate easily becomes offended when you make normal and natural inquiries and may demand to know why you are checking up on him or her.

32. Your mate's sleeping pattern changes considerably from the norm.

Edited June 10, 2017 by Ladybird78

[avvril3000]

What is the use in investigating after your husband? You are causing more problems by your lack of trust of him. He might not even be having an affair but it seems he can't do anything without you keeping a careful watch on him. I would go insane too. I would get mad too. You may be pushing him more and more to get out of the marriage.

 

Ok, fine, you wanna know if he is cheating. What are you going to achieve by knowing? the fact of the matter is that you no longer trust him, and he no longer believes you trust him.

 

Do you want an excuse to leave your marriage? If you are unhappy, you should try to focus more energy on yourself , than the detailed movements of your husband. If you are truly unhappy with your marriage, which is sounds like you are... coz you don't trust him at all, leave him. You're not jailed to him.

[aileD]

Good evidence collectinso you mind me asking what keylogger app you used?

 

So I guess the question is what are you going to do?

[Ladybird78]

How can I trust him when he constantly lies? You can't trust someone who can't and won't tell the truth. But its my fault though right? Smh

[avvril3000]

And you cant have a relationship without trust. Leave the mother ****er. do you think you're ever going to fix this trust? will knowing if he is cheating or not actually help you trust him again?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well I am really sorry you are here. I am not sure what you are looking for. He was a cheater when you met him...you have suspected he has cheated on you ever since you got married....and yet you stayed.

 

Do you still intend to stay? DO you plan to divorce? What is different this time? you seem to want to prove his infidelity now but all these 20 years you ignored it and said nothing?

 

I am not knowledgable about trying to prove infidelity so I can be of no technical help at all.

 

All I really know to say right now is...I am sorry your life has been crappy all these years. I will also say...you knew he was a cheater...but it did not matter as long as he was cheating with you....

 

He sounds like he has been a crappy husband in every aspect of your married life with him....so I am not sure you are losing much. You might actually find a decent guy that treats you with respect.

 

Best of luck to you

[Ladybird78]

And you cant have a relationship without trust. Leave the mother ****er. do you think you're ever going to fix this trust? will knowing if he is cheating or not actually help you trust him again?

 

If he is cheating (and I am 95% sure he is). I will leave.

[Ladybird78]

Well I am really sorry you are here. I am not sure what you are looking for. He was a cheater when you met him...you have suspected he has cheated on you ever since you got married....and yet you stayed.

 

Do you still intend to stay? DO you plan to divorce? What is different this time? you seem to want to prove his infidelity now but all these 20 years you ignored it and said nothing?

 

I am not knowledgable about trying to prove infidelity so I can be of no technical help at all.

 

All I really know to say right now is...I am sorry your life has been crappy all these years. I will also say...you knew he was a cheater...but it did not matter as long as he was cheating with you....

 

He sounds like he has been a crappy husband in every aspect of your married life with him....so I am not sure you are losing much. You might actually find a decent guy that treats you with respect.

 

Best of luck to you

 

 

I was young and dumb. I realize now that if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. I couldn't Prove any of it. And I did bury my head in the sand for years becauae the truth was just to much for me to handle it still is. I love him, still even after everything.

 

Its not even about being right I dont want to be right . I mean 20 years, is a long time to just walk away. Things just dont add up, they have never added up. I am questioning everything. I need to know if he is being honest. I give him the benifit if the doubt, that maybe he is telling the truth, but his truth doesn't add up.

 

He also blameshifts - Oh you remember the neighbor Mark. He told me you ****ed him!!! First time i ever heard about that was a week ago. ( we were neighbors 16 years ago!) How about your facebook friends you ****ing them too??

[MidnightBlue1980]

I was young and dumb. I realize now that if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. I couldn't Prove any of it. And I did bury my head in the sand for years becauae the truth was just to much for me to handle it still is. I love him, still even after everything.

 

Its not even about being right I dont want to be right . I mean 20 years, is a long time to just walk away. Things just dont add up, they have never added up. I am questioning everything. I need to know if he is being honest. I give him the benifit if the doubt, that maybe he is telling the truth, but his truth doesn't add up.

 

He also blameshifts - Oh you remember the neighbor Mark. He told me you ****ed him!!! First time i ever heard about that was a week ago. ( we were neighbors 16 years ago!) How about your facebook friends you ****ing them too??

 

20 years is a long time however you met him at 18, so you are 38 or so? You are still really young and have time to meet someone new and start over. Don't stay for that reason.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We have all been young and dumb.

 

Only you know what you are willing to put up with. But if he is acting like you describe...Me personally...I would leave even if he were not cheating.

 

You dont deserve to be treated like scum. He is disrespecting you...which tells me he is an arsehole.

 

If i were you...I would go to a lawyer...find out your rights and how to approach a divorce if you should need to...

 

There are plenty of folks here that can help you technically spy on him.

[BaileyB]

How can I trust him when he constantly lies? You can't trust someone who can't and won't tell the truth.

 

Not sure why you are surprised, considering that your relationship begin with a lie. The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.

 

I'm also not sure why you stay, based on the way that you have described that he treats you. I would have been gone long ago...

[BetrayedH]

I had the most luck by putting a physical GPS device on my wife's car. Some units (more expensive) will provide live tracking so you can watch the device move in real time on your computer.

 

I bought a cheaper version that I had to retrieve from the car and then download the tracking data. On the first download I found that my wife had been at a hotel from 10pm to midnight. Pretty much a done deal right there.

 

Other folks have a lot of success with voice activated recorders.

 

For what it's worth, I completely understand the need to know. Most of us betrayed spouses weren't planning a divorce; we were planning our next family vacation. It takes some firm evidence to be sure that you're justified in walking away from a 20+ year investment.

 

Play stupid, dumb, and compliant. No more confrontations until they're being done with divorce papers.

[Ladybird78]

I had the most luck by putting a physical GPS device on my wife's car. Some units (more expensive) will provide live tracking so you can watch the device move in real time on your computer.

 

I bought a cheaper version that I had to retrieve from the car and then download the tracking data. On the first download I found that my wife had been at a hotel from 10pm to midnight. Pretty much a done deal right there.

 

Other folks have a lot of success with voice activated recorders.

 

For what it's worth, I completely understand the need to know. Most of us betrayed spouses weren't planning a divorce; we were planning our next family vacation. It takes some firm evidence to be sure that you're justified in walking away from a 20+ year investment.

 

Play stupid, dumb, and compliant. No more confrontations until they're being done with divorce papers.

 

 

I am working on finding an app for a voice activated recorder. I've been messing with a couple I've found. I have an old smart phone I can put it on and put somewhere in his car.

 

I will look in to an actual GPS unit for his car. The one that is on his phone, isn't all that accurate.

 

I dont want to have any doubt's. There is 5% doubt in question. I want to believe he is telling the truth. But there are way to many inconsistenties. Too many lies I've caught him in already. How can I know what's the truth and what isn't. Right now everything is a lie. Its ****ing horrible!

 

Keeping my mouth shut and letting things blow over.. I planned to move out with what I did have 3 weeks ago. Our almost 8 year old son I watched as his heart broke. I changed my mind . I have to be 100% sure.

 

If he isn't cheating. then I Need to reevaluate myself, but he needs to stop constantly lying!

[lostgirl87]

If he's cheating and if you have decided to stop living your life this way, HE should be the one to go. Not you. That's your home. He messed up, not you. You need to remain in the home with your children and he needs to go and make sure y'all are taken care of. Thags the price he pays for everything he has put you through.

 

I hope he isn't cheating. But if he is, I hope you are able to move on with your life and find peace and happiness. The way you're living now is no way to live! Best of luck to you.

[aileD]

I had an old iPhone. I activated it, no contract, on our account. I hid that in his car and used it for find my iPhone. Worked great. Also worked great for spying on messaging apps because he couldn't block what he didn't know existed

[Mrs. John Adams]

Man...I would hate to have to live spying on my spouse...that alone would be enough reason for me to walk.

 

What does it already say about the relationship?

[elaine567]

Man...I would hate to have to live spying on my spouse...that alone would be enough reason for me to walk.

 

What does it already say about the relationship?

 

It says that "I think he is cheating but I don't want to just leave, in case I am wrong."

Not many people especially with kids can change their life on the basis of a hunch, they usually need real proof.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ladybird, it really seems that you find yourself on the horns of a dilemma. I wanted to ask you if you are working and have an income on which you can support yourself? Have you made any detailed plans on how you are going to live if you do decide to leave your husband? Have you consulted a lawyer to find out what your rights are what your husband's rights would be, would you be entitled to alimony and if so how much and so on and so forth?

 

I am guessing you would get primary custody being the mother but your husband would be entitled to time with the children. If your husband has children from his previous relationship how old are they and does he have to pay child support for them even now? If so I am sure this will impact the child support he pays you. What about your insurance plans? Are you on your husband's insurance plans or are independent from him? If you are on his plans he will definitely remove you from them the moment you separate. You should plan for that. The same goes for your car insurance. Is your house owned by you two or are you renting? What about family support? Do you have family where you live? You did mention your mother but would she be in a position to help you? What about siblings? Guess you have a lot of planning to do before you cut ties with your husband. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It says that "I think he is cheating but I don't want to just leave, in case I am wrong."

Not many people especially with kids can change their life on the basis of a hunch, they usually need real proof.

 

YOu are right...it does....and she has doubted him for 20 years. This is not the first time she has feared he is cheating...he cheated with her. She knew the kind of man he was in the very beginning.

 

So why would you...stay with him if he has cheated the entire marriage....why would you have children with him...suspecting he has always been a cheater....and now 20 years later need to prove it?

 

Why now? what has changed that THIS time is different than it has been during the entire relationship?

 

If you have always suspected he has been cheating....why after 20 years do you need to prove it?

 

I do not get it.

[understand50]

Ladybird,

 

There are times in a relationship / marriage, when you just feel you know they have or are cheating. Because you were the OW at one time you know he is capable of cheating. You must balance out what you really know, with what you fear. You may be thinking, as things get ruff, that he is cheating, and it may be no more then just the normal 20 year angst that happens to us all. Again, he may be cheating. I would take a deep breath, and work on opening up communication with him and tell him your fears. OBTW, I delete txt constantly, as I do not want a lot of junk on my phone. I think most people do this. Also I deal with sensitive information, and I do not want to leave it laying around. You need to ask yourself if this is just normal behavor.

 

You may have a cheating problem, but I think you larger problem is communication and you and your husband moving away from each other. You need to not only work to fix your marriage, no matter what happens or what you find out, or put to bed your fears.

 

I wish you luck....