Married but had one night stand with longtime friend

[QuietDan]

Thank you Morgoth. I don't deserve compassion, and it certainly wasn't what I was looking for but your advice means a lot. I clearly have a lack of intimacy at home but don't want to sink my relationship either; as I said, even though others may not believe it, my husband is a good man (who deserves better) and I do love him. I appreciate your candidness.

 

Intimacy in a marriage is a dance between two people. It is so easy to blame the other person for stepping on your toes. While ignoring the fact that you have problems keeping time or follow the lead or inputs for changing direction in order to avoid obstacles.

So often when you start to study and evaluate the root causes for lack of intimacy, a lot of the problem can be traced back to the person who is struggling with lack of intimacy.

More often than not, when the wife is upset and seeks an affair because the husband has stopped sexually persuing her, she us the one that initially sexually shut down the sex life as a tool to manipulate her husband s activities and behavior. Eventually, the husband gives up after being rejected hundreds.... thousands of times... A few years later, the wife begins to miss the intimacy . Then ends up seeking intimacy outside if the marriage to replace the intimacy that she initially shut down....

Does this sound like the relationship dance you are in???

[Oberfeldwebel]

I won't chastise you as I think that has already been covered and you are going to do far worse to yourself, when you finally confess to your husband. My advise to you is this, create a timeline of events and be honest to your husband when he asks you questions. DO NOT sugar coat or down play what happened or justify your actions. There is no correlation between your husband not paying you attention and you having sex with the other man. His actions did not cause you to cheat, so don't bring that into the conversation.

 

The next issue you need to address is the other man. I say OM since he is clearly not a friend. He is an opportunist that took advantage of you and the situation. I don't say this to excuse your behavior, but he knew exactly what he was doing and made his move. He had nothing to lose, because if you turned him down he would have just begged forgiveness and you would have given him a pass. As for a relationship with him, it would never happen as it would end just like all his others. He has proven that time and again, don't fool yourself.

 

You need to have a serious conversation with him that it is over, that you want no more contact with him and that you are looking for another job. You can't eat your cake and have it too. Time to put on your big girl pants and get down to doing the arduous task of trying to save your marriage.

[aliveagain]

Here is the reality, you have changed your life by your actions. The good people that post here won't lie to you like your friends and family, they are going to tell you the truth, they are ordinary people, the populace. They will tell you what others that know you are afraid to say. The will speak what others won't say to your face but say to each other behind your back. Some of your harshest critics are former wayward spouses. There is only one right way to fix this and you can accept the advice you receive here or you can continue the way you have. Just remember the hole you have created isn't visible and the only one that can help you close it your presently withholding the truth from. You know I am telling you the truth.

[harrybrown]

I do hope you get tested for stds and quickly.

 

I also hope you think about your little girl.

 

People need to start thinking about the children.

 

You do not get the pain or understand what you did to your H.

 

And it would not bother you if your H had an A.

 

But what if your daughter grew up, got married and her H had an A and caused her pain?

 

That is what happened to my son, when his ex wife was caught sitting in the lap of her co-worker.

 

He has not been able to trust any female since then. It has been years.

 

YEARS. he is now 30. i helped him get his D. I do hope someday that he will find someone that he can trust.

 

You have no idea what your selfishness did to your H.

 

Good luck to your H and to your little girl.

 

I do hope someday you will start to understand. Your H will never feel special to you. He will get to the point after his pain and anger that you are not special to him anymore.

 

You took what he thought was a special bond between you and you gave it away, willing and it was very cheap.

 

Your H deserves better. Tell him and file for D. let him pay child support and you can be free to have men with loose morals around your daughter.

 

Hope you are able to protect your daughter better than you protected your H and your marriage.

[aliveagain]

I wasn't liking the post because it told me what I wanted to hear. ALL of the criticism in this thread resonates with me, and I know that I deserve it. I appreciated the part about raising my child in a stable home, which is why I know that my betrayal must stop.

 

Kayc5634, your not as deep down the rabbit hole as some of the posters on this site. I believe you have a real shot at saving your marriage, lying isn't going to do that for you. Just one more comment, your o/m is not your friend. A friend would never help you destroy your marriage. Any man that isn't also a friend of your husband shouldn't be in your life. There should be no secrets withheld from your spouse if you really want your marriage to work.

Edited June 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[reboot]

If you look at the research, the chance of an affair partner becoming a long term mate/spouse is extremely low, around 1%.

 

I'd like to look at that research. Got a link?

 

You know what they say, 57% of statistics are made up on the spot.

[Zona]

I'd like to look at that research. Got a link?

 

You know what they say, 57% of statistics are made up on the spot.

 

Here is the secondary reference to it. You should be able to look up the original article.

 

"According to Sam J Buser in the article, Why Your Affair Will Never Lead to True Love, “some research suggests that about only one in ten affairs lead to a long-term relationship. Of these, only about 10 percent are permanent. This means that there is about a one in a hundred chance that you and your affair partner will stay together for the long haul.”"

[somanymistakes]

"some research suggests" is still 100% the same as "I pulled a statistic out of my butt". It's not actual data. And that's the entirety of what he says in that original article - "some research suggests". Not who researched it or how.

 

Even if that data were well-founded and accurate, though, there's two major flaws. The first being that if you lump together all infidelity into one bucket, you're including a huge number of one-night-stands, prostitutes+massage parlors, and other relationships where neither side has any interest at all in leaving their spouse, which is going to massively skew the balance compared to looking at people who believe they're in love.

 

The second being that if you talk about 'permanent', the vast majority of all relationships do not last until death. Many people would probably still consider their relationship fairly successful if they got married and stayed together for ten or twenty years before going their separate ways again.

 

All that said, common sense would suggest that people getting together via an affair have worse odds than people who got together without one... but don't trust the Internet Statistics.

[reboot]

Here is the secondary reference to it. You should be able to look up the original article.

 

"According to Sam J Buser in the article, Why Your Affair Will Never Lead to True Love, “some research suggests that about only one in ten affairs lead to a long-term relationship. Of these, only about 10 percent are permanent. This means that there is about a one in a hundred chance that you and your affair partner will stay together for the long haul.”"

 

I looked up and read the article and all I saw was one man's opinion. "Research suggests" would imply scientific studies were done. That's what I want to see. Dr Buser doesn't provide that, and unless he does it's just a number he pulled out of the air.

[Zona]

but don't trust the Internet Statistics.

 

Yes of course, but common sense dictates the number is fairly low. Marriage is based on trust and honesty, and affairs aren't. Not only that but we know that cheaters are likely to cheat again. Add up the number marriages that reconcile + the number of affairs triggered by "players" or other dirt bags, plus the number of relationships with APs that die when the AP cheats again, and you likely have a pretty high percentage.

 

The other confounding issue is because affairs are so secretive to begin with, many go undiscovered. My hunch is that more women cheat than the statistics show. I could be totally wrong... who knows. It's anybody's guess.

Edited June 12, 2017 by Zona

[reboot]

I agree with the sentiment, and "I think the number is low" is fine, but "1%" is a hard number and not a generality. Hard numbers have to have something to back them up or they mean nothing. *shrug*

[NotCamelot]

First, I am so sorry you are going through this. There are good people here and lots of advice. Some good and some not so good. Use what works for you.

 

Most all of us here have been where you are; on one side or the other of infidelity......some of us on both sides. So, we really do know a lot of what you are feeling. Though each will say their situation is different, there are so many similarities throughout all our stories.

 

You should confess and tell your husband what you have done. There is a very high probability that he will find out in some way if you do not. Be prepared for lots of anger, questions, and pain. You have destroyed the one thing that is a rock for all of us - Home. His home, safe place, is no longer becuase of what you've done. You may not see this as you are in the "affair fog".

 

The attraction and chemicals running through your brain make the AP and the A fantasy seem like the great fairy tale. This is simply because, in the A, you have no daily, mundane, life duties to worry about. All is pure joy there. But it is just that: fantasy. If you left your H and IF this guy took you, you will find the fantasy wearing off really fast.

 

You made a conscious and willing decision to do what you've done. You did not ask your H if he was OK with it. You would have been devastated if you were in his position. You had the opportunity to fix your marriage before moving outside of it. However, you chose this path. Now you must do the right thing.

 

However, though I feel you should be completely honest, there is one thing I suggest you do not tell. If you did things sexually with your AP that you've never done with your H, keep that to yourself. That will cause him more pain than you can imagine. It will haunt him into another relationship if you do not reconcile. Maybe this sounds crazy, but from a male point of view, it will make him feel as if you thought he was inferior, in some way, to the AP.

 

If you really love your H as you say you do, you must give him the ultimate gift of honesty and allow him the choice of staying with you or moving on. But you will have to do the heavy lifting here. You broke the marriage vows.

 

If he finds out from you, you may have a chance. If he finds out from "gossip", I feel even more sorry for you.

[Zona]

I agree with the sentiment, and "I think the number is low" is fine, but "1%" is a hard number and not a generality. Hard numbers have to have something to back them up or they mean nothing. *shrug*

 

Yes, too bad Dr. Buser didn't post a link to the research. Often times it is because they, or somebody else, "owns" it. Even scholarly articles in the hard sciences often don't give access to the hard data for this reason. This makes peer review suspect.

[aliveagain]

Zona, reboot, glad that we can agree that the number is low and not quite what they believe to be true in their land of fantasy. Unfortunately they don't usually discover this truth until it is a little too late. Reboot, love your location, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, I still have it on vinyl, incredible 15 minute drum solo.

[reboot]

As somanymistakes pointed out, although in my own words, all relationships are a crap shoot these days.

[KMA]

Intimacy in a marriage is a dance between two people. It is so easy to blame the other person for stepping on your toes. While ignoring the fact that you have problems keeping time or follow the lead or inputs for changing direction in order to avoid obstacles.

So often when you start to study and evaluate the root causes for lack of intimacy, a lot of the problem can be traced back to the person who is struggling with lack of intimacy.

More often than not, when the wife is upset and seeks an affair because the husband has stopped sexually persuing her, she us the one that initially sexually shut down the sex life as a tool to manipulate her husband s activities and behavior. Eventually, the husband gives up after being rejected hundreds.... thousands of times... A few years later, the wife begins to miss the intimacy . Then ends up seeking intimacy outside if the marriage to replace the intimacy that she initially shut down....

Does this sound like the relationship dance you are in???

 

QuietDan, I'm so much impressed by this your statement. It strikes me as so much true, at least in my case. Is it from your own experience only? But that's so much typical. First turning sex to formal exercise, then outright rejection, finally looking for intimacy outside the marriage... Fundamental true!

[Overtaxed]

I'll answer your specific questions as unlike most who replied, I am also a fWS (former wandering spouse)

 

First - your guy friend. OK. One thing I have learned by reading all the posts by the guys here is that you need to be really careful at what you view as a guy friend. Sure, you can be friendly with guys, see them in the context of business, sports, school or whatever your mutual interest is, and have some chit-chat, lunch, or even a drink here and there. But - there is a big difference between men and woman. While we woman LOVE to have our guy friends and treat them like women pals with the extra plus, men are not the same. They really only are interested in a woman for a specific reason. If it is not something defined (aka business, sports, etc), they are basically looking for something to happen. Maybe not today or tomorrow but one day. A man simply will not waste his time texting a woman daily unless he has some interest. Think about it. They are just not like us.

 

So, second - you hooked up with your guy friend. He feels weird now and he basically got what he had been looking for, so he is kind of done. He doesn't want drama, he wants to distance himself from you. No judgement from me, just explanations. You think you can handle it, you think you can turn back the wheels of time and be cool, be his friend, be normal.

 

You can't. There is NO chance. You have a 100% chance of getting obsessed with this guy and maybe he will toy with you, sleep with you and royally screw up your life or maybe he really is done. Most guys, they will do the former if you let them, esp since he is single and hey, it's free sex and you are someone else's problem.

 

Take it from my experience in life. You are going to have to leave this job. Obviously you are married, which everyone else is posting about so I am focusing on just you right now, you are not going to date this guy, your choices are (1) be used and feel pain (2) be ignored and feel pain. Yikes! A pain sandwich no matter the road you take. When someone gives you a pain sandwich, your best choice is to go carb free. Choose the alternate route. You are going to need to leave and just never see him again, I'm sorry.

 

As for your marriage, I believe you that you felt your husband was not paying attention to you, etc. Heck, we all feel that way at times. You have a choice. If the marriage was really making you unhappy, you can tell him what happened, and give him a chance to fix it. Or else what is the point? Nothing will change. (I chose that path). But if your husband really did not do anything and you feel you are creating this drama on your own, well, people are divided on this. My husband has said that he is glad I told him as we were able to address the issues in our marriage but we both agree that sh*t happens in life (he also strayed) and sometimes there is nothing good to be gained by dumping your emotional baggage on the other person. Unless of you are in love and want to leave.

 

That is our perspective and different from most here.

 

Cue up the funny/sad video:

 

 

Read and understand what's said above, it's 100% on point.

[Chrisstro6692]

We all have needs and desires in our life. I am a man who has been married for 25 years. I know what it is like to have been tempted. Some people fall into that trap. If you are found out, then you need to come clean about everything. You are human, please do everything you can from now on to treat him like the king of the castle, the leader of the house and anyone who will come between you and your husband, you need to cut it off. How good of a man could this other person be if he is sleeping with a married woman? Do you really want to throw away your future with that type of person?

[Morgoth]

I see the OP has not responded much since this thread's orgin. I hope she didn't do something stupid like confess! If anyone on here is familiar with Dr. Haley's Marriage Builder program (which I think is good if you have a willing spouse, despite his Christian BS) his advice is to let the past be the past and live in the now, work on your marriage and fix the problems. I believe a lot of therapist adhere to this philosophy. No one can undo the past, but you can always decide your future. Contrary to conventional wisdom around here, there are other ways of fixing things besides cutting your spouse to pieces with your lustful indiscretions, regardless of how,when, where and often. Some of you should at least consider the alternatives when dispensing advice to people with real problems. I wish the OP well.

[BluesPower]

Well you would be in the minority...

 

You see, you cannot have a real relationship without honesty. I mean why even do it.

 

You have a different view and that is cool.

 

But that thought process for MC's has ended more marriages than infidelity. The betrayed spouse who is in agony because the caught their SO cheating is told, "What do you think the other issues in the marriage are? What do you think you contributed to their affair? What do you do wrong?"

 

Ahhh, nothing at all you moron marriage counselor. That train of thought in MC is just silly.

 

Me personally, I got up an walked out after the MC said that type of crap. If it had been a male counselor, I would have punched him in the mouth.

[road]

I see the OP has not responded much since this thread's orgin. I hope she didn't do something stupid like confess! If anyone on here is familiar with Dr. Haley's Marriage Builder program (which I think is good if you have a willing spouse, despite his Christian BS) his advice is to let the past be the past and live in the now, work on your marriage and fix the problems. I believe a lot of therapist adhere to this philosophy. No one can undo the past, but you can always decide your future. Contrary to conventional wisdom around here, there are other ways of fixing things besides cutting your spouse to pieces with your lustful indiscretions, regardless of how,when, where and often. Some of you should at least consider the alternatives when dispensing advice to people with real problems. I wish the OP well.

 

You do not understand MarriageBuilders. Only leave the past in the past

after the WS has answered all of the BS questions about the affair.

 

And, the chance of recovery is much better when the WS confesses against being caught.

[knabe]

I see the OP has not responded much since this thread's orgin. I hope she didn't do something stupid like confess! If anyone on here is familiar with Dr. Haley's Marriage Builder program (which I think is good if you have a willing spouse, despite his Christian BS) his advice is to let the past be the past and live in the now, work on your marriage and fix the problems. I believe a lot of therapist adhere to this philosophy. No one can undo the past, but you can always decide your future. Contrary to conventional wisdom around here, there are other ways of fixing things besides cutting your spouse to pieces with your lustful indiscretions, regardless of how,when, where and often. Some of you should at least consider the alternatives when dispensing advice to people with real problems. I wish the OP well.

 

You have zero understanding of Dr. Harley's materials if you think he advocates hiding an affair. Zero.

 

OP, if you are still around, I hope you have decided you want to be a person of integrity and honesty.

[SmartDude]

No one posting here, telling you to tell the truth to your husband, actually cares about YOUR marriage. They want you to be honest because they care about the institution of marriage. You could end up homeless on the street trying to do "the right thing" and these people here would not give a damn.

 

Don't listen to theses married love fools.

[Zona]

What do you think would be more easily forgiven, a ONS that is immediately confessed, or a LTA where the WS uses elaborate deception to hide the truth? In the case of the latter, if her husband started to piece together the truth, it is almost certain the OP would lie about it, further wrecking the marriage and destroying trust.

 

IMO, it's a no brainer.

 

In this case, the OP was really worried about how the ONS would affect her relationship with her AP, and didn't even seem to consider how this would affect her husband and child.