iphica Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 It's been 4 weeks with NC and I thought I was making progress. However, after going to a party today with lots of couples and families, I'm feeling a bit lonely. How do you become happy with being single again? I am at an age where a lot of people I know are settling down and I'm starting to feel left behind. I've been single for most of my adult life so it's not like I'm not accustomed to being alone, but being in a relationship felt comfortable in a way I hadn't experienced before. I don't know how to navigate this next stage in my life. How do you become happy being single when you miss the feeling of being in a relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
babysacay Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 I'm still working on it but I'm getting better at accepting being single even though all my besties and even younger brother are in relationships. I moved toward greater acceptance by thinking about other single adults my age or older, like my aunt. They have fulfilling lives in other ways and do not have to experience the pain and obligations that can come with having a partner. I also remind myself of a sweet young woman who died before her time that I went to school with. As far as I know, she died single but it didn't give her life any less worth. I've accepted that some people die not being romantically involved and I don't feel so desperate trying to find someone. It's just life and reality and how things are. Link to post Share on other sites
babysacay Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 I also think bits of loneliness are normal for everyone, especially for those of us who are uncoupled or unhappy in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iphica Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 I also think bits of loneliness are normal for everyone, especially for those of us who are uncoupled or unhappy in a relationship. Thanks for the replies - they were helpful. You are right that there are a lot of single people who live very fulfilling lives. I guess I need to let go of the visions I had as part of a relationship and accept that I am single again. I think the loneliness just felt particularly acute today. Link to post Share on other sites
penelopeanne Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 i too am trying to manage this not being in a relationship thing. sometimes it feels pretty liberating. but i am used to always being with someone, since my teens (i am late 30s now) so it is quite an adjustment. there are things i miss and i feel lonely sometimes but i also felt pretty lonely while being in a relationship which i think is even worse. i do feel grateful to have this time for me and my self care and work on some things i probably wouldnt if i was invested with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
babysacay Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this. I just moved to a different city for a new job (recently graduated!) and the closest person I know is my ex who lives an hour away and we're not on speaking terms. But I prefer to feel lonely single than lonely in a relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Little-Wolf Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I can't offer much advice, but I just want you to know you're not alone. Maybe try and distract yourself? Look at your phone or play a game or something. Take a deep breath and think that most couples probably aren't as perfect as they seem... Walking through town today and seeing how happy other couples were, my hand ached where his used to be. He sometimes wrapped his arms around me as we were walking and he'd kiss my forhead. I'd feel so cherished and lucky. I miss him. I hope you're having a better day than me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Learn to lean into it and find all of the benefits that come with being comfortable and content with your own company. The fact that you feeling uncomfortable with being single is a good sign that you'd be wise to attain this ability to enjoy single life for a time. Viewing being single as some sort of awful condition will usually lead people to invest too much time, energy, and emotions in relationships and people who are not worth those things. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I prefer to be single! Can do what I want,when I want,with no explanation. My married/'tied down' friends are actually jealous of my lifestyle. I golf whenever,buy whatever car(s),eat whatever I want,go where I want to go,watch what I want,casual sex,ect... Damn! I'm selfish! Link to post Share on other sites
fieldoflavender Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 You remember the terrible parts of the relationship and then realize that being alone and neutral is still better than being with someone but having your heart torn apart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DevastatedJDC Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 (edited) I struggle daily with this as well - I was totally fine with being single through my early 40's - thought I would be for the rest of my life. Then I met the ex, and even sort of fought getting too involved because I had planned to be single, but he drew me into the relationship. We were together for 11.5 years before he ruthlessly ended the relationship and now I can't stand being single. I also look at other couples with envy. My mom was recently in the hospital and seeing all the loving couples there made me all the more depressed (happy for them, but sooooooo sad for what I have lost). I just want to get back to the happily single place I was 11.5 years ago, but am having a LOT of difficulty getting there.... Part of me wishes I had never met him.... Edited June 25, 2017 by DevastatedJDC 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 I've always enjoyed being involved long term more than not. I enjoyed being married. the divorce was 11 years ago. I didn't want it to end. 3 years later met my next important person...which lasted 6-7 years. It's been a year and a half being by myself now. It's unhealthy for me I believe. It's important to have another person to bond with in the most intimate of ways....to share everyday concerns...to listen...to help and be helped...I'm a boomer...and half of all boomers live alone and will probably die alone. To me...it's sad. It's the result of a lot of things that began in the sixties....not all of which were bad...and some of which were necessary and out of everyone's control. I believe we are made to be coupled. Started with the cavemen. It's our DNA. (one man's opinion) It's instinctual to want to bond. The need to bond. I know there are single people who seem to be..say they are...happy being single. Who am I to say they are not? If they say they're happy...then as far as I'm concerned....they must be happy. But it's not good for me...it's not healthy. It gets old. Going into a restaurant...waiting to be seated. A couple comes in after me. The waiter comes up to seat the next in line and just *unconsciously* asks the couple where they'd like to sit. Then everyone realizes I'm there...and the couple lets the waiter know I was there first. Or I have to speak up and be assertive. It's just the way it is. People want to be with another human being. I'm not saying the people who love being single aren't. I just can't see how anyone could be. It almost seems to go against nature. Being my age...it becomes a matter of practicality. Taking care of each other when we're old. I've got the cash...I can pay somebody to take care of me. So I guess that makes me the poster boy for the wonderful life of independence. But I'm not buying...what society's selling. I think it's important to have someone who loves you by your side when one needs help as they age. Someone who does it because they love you...and hate seeing you sick..or ill...or even dying. This isn't meant to be done alone. But so many do. Life doesn't discriminate. It's treated me better than I probably deserve.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 lol I guess I wasn't finished...lol But seriously....these guys that's on this cancer forum I'm on. We've all got the same condition (it's a guy thing). lol anyway....90% of them are married. And I'm telling anyone who reads this.....you can just tell....reading their comments....their posts....that having another human being....they...well...it would be impossible...just impossible...for them to be able to know how much they take for granted....having someone with them to help them through serious challenges....some...*very* serious challenges. The *smallest*...*tiniest*....little things.....like having someone to bring you a glass of water. Or picking up a fork for them in the kitchen when they drop one on the floor. Such small things become projects in and of themselves when challenged alone. Life becomes one challenge after another. And those guys can't possibly be aware of just how much it helps to have another person helping them. I understand that they understand in an abstract way...that they're blessed with having a wife. They say they are blessed very often. But...how could they know....the full extent...it would be undoable...to know the extent... And i'm sure I'm no different. Even being single...just being alive...it's...I'm sure...impossible for me to know just how well...just how blessed...I am. Things I don't even notice....unawareness....maybe it's just not possible to know how good any of us have it....even when we know we have it good.... Link to post Share on other sites
BryanSmiley Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I struggle with it most days. The funny thing is I spent equal time single as to in a relationship in my 20’s, and more time single in my 30’s. I felt okay with being a bit late to settling down a year ago but still wasn’t rushing into finding something. Having just come out an intense on/off relationship a few months back it’s thrown me about psychologically more than I’ve ever experienced. Not only do I feel I’ve lost the kind’ve girl I always felt I was holding out for, I feel so lonely single at time’s it’s horrid. A sense that I was already late to be settling down and I messed that up. Now I’m really behind, not serious partner or prospects, kids, and I’m less psychologically ready and happy to even raise the likliehood I’ll get one. It’s a horrid feeling and I totally relate. I feel it at social and family gatherings, odd being single around couples. Also hate returning to an empty home (house mates coming, should help). I hate to do things like shopping, buying domestic things, where it’s nice to do with a partner but you’re doing it alone in your 30’s. Keep strong single soldiers. Most relationships fail right!?! That’s kinda of an unsettling thing overall but in a cruel way settling a single. Because a wierd comfort I have is a good amount of relationships around me will fail but if I really clue myself up on relationships hopefully I can maximise the chance of longevity next time. Link to post Share on other sites
fieldoflavender Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Again, think about the terrible things they have done - or the emptiness you felt at times. You don't want those things - they also come as a package deal with companionship. In the end, I would rather be alone than deal with the hurt and betrayal. When you misplace your trust in someone, then what is the point? Companionship could mean less at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
babysacay Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I think that it's also important to remember that though being happily married is beneficial for health, being unhappily married is worse for health. We're healthier single than we would be if we were in miserable relationships. And happier too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fieldoflavender Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 The circumstances were unfortunate, but I'm glad I saved myself from years later of more grief, anger, disappointment, and hurt/pain. Yes it was too late and I should have realized sooner, but it could have been later and worse and more people involved. I am much happier single - yes I was happier at some points during the relationship, but now knowing that those moments later led to and brought upon so much pain - 3 words, not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I prefer to be single! Can do what I want,when I want,with no explanation. My married/'tied down' friends are actually jealous of my lifestyle. I golf whenever,buy whatever car(s),eat whatever I want,go where I want to go,watch what I want,casual sex,ect... Damn! I'm selfish! Haha, that's funny , good for you, can l have your life. lt is weird isn't it. There was plenty of times married where l just thought wtf . And there are a million couples l see around or knew and just think wtf/ But now that l'm not anymore, l'm thinking, wait for it , wtf . Guess l'm still getting to where your at . Link to post Share on other sites
fieldoflavender Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I'm dealing with a lot of hard times outside of the relationship break-up itself. When it rains, it pours. I miss how he would care about every little thing that would go wrong with me - if my finger bled from a paper cut he would care. But how cruelly he treated me at the end - makes all that seem meaningless at this point. I mean it's hard when you've gotten comfortable with someone caring about little things like that, and then when it truly matters, they give up on you. Then what is the point? It's not bad to go back to feeling like I can only really depend on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I have mostly been in relationships most of my life. The thought of being alone and doing things on my own does not seem bad. But since this BU, I just can't shake the feeling of being empty, lost and unmotivated. I have to make myself do things, even eat. I just don't want to do anything. Does that mean I am depressed? Luckily I have dogs to keep me company so it is not super terrible. Will be nice when I find my equalibrium again. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I too prefer to be in a relationship and haven't been single much since my teens. Life is hard on your own sometimes. I've got to take my car to the shop but I don't have anyone I would ask to bring me there and drop it off and pick it back up (current gf doesn't have a license or car as she lives in the city). The worst was having my first surgery of my life after my ex dumped me. We were always there for each other and there I was in a hospital without a partner. Luckily my sister from out of state came by to help but I felt so lonely I could have cried. My initial plan was to take an Uber to and from the hospital but they had a strict policy that you needed someone to get you. The thought of taking a cab to the hospital for surgery is depressing on a whole other level. My brother swore off women and is fine being single. I can't do it. Having a dog has helped me from going nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
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