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Thoughts on spending time with an ex you still have feelings for?

Nogan

By Nogan,
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Nogan

Nogan

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I'm not really sure if I can just be friends, but I've spent a couple afternoons the past couple weeks with a girl who dumped me out of the blue like three months ago. She hasn't been dating at all since, though I have and have been with several other women since. I don't get the sense that she's pushing to start anything with me again, but she's also hanging out with me on her on own volition and I'm not really sure why. I haven't been particularly pushy about seeing her or getting back together or even hinting that I miss her. It's not painful like it used to be, but I DO miss her and still get sad when I think about how things ended. It's nice seeing her, but I don't really know if it'll stay that way if things don't turn romantic again.

 

I can maybe see us being just friends down the road when I've moved on completely, but I dunno if I'm ever going to be able to see her in a completely non-romantic light. Even without strong feelings attached, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at her and not feel like she's someone I could invest my life in. When we spend time together and we talk just as easily as we ever did, it makes me wonder why we broke up in the first place. She's like my mom and I'm like her dad, and that's pretty much as stereotypical as it gets. And I'm not half bad looking if my success with women has been any indication.

 

So I dunno. She brought me my favorite cookies today as a surprise and we went out to a farmers market before she came back to my place and played with my kittens. Part of me wanted to kiss her, but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, and it didn't feel like she was waiting for me to make a move. Trying to play this out and see where it leads. It just makes me sad that I don't know if I can be with her in the long run in any other context.

 

---

 

To give some perspective, I've also been spending time fooling around with an older ex because we're both recently single. I like that girl a lot, but I felt confident about the way I ended that relationship. And we both understand why it ended and where we stand. So it's just kind of fun. With this other girl, there was no real particular reason other than a vague line about a lack of chemistry on her end. So I guess it's tougher for me to see that hard line, especially when she's still interested enough in my company to spend time with me?

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Life lessons

Life lessons

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Do you know why she suddenly chose to come back around?

 

Did she call you asking to hang out or did you guys a cidebtky run into each other and decide to hang out?

 

Speak with her and ask her what she's wanting.

 

If it's difficult for you to be friends with her then you should let her know that.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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especially when you are the one who got dumped, spending time with the EX is a self destructive & masochistic plan. All you are doing is hurting yourself because you prevent yourself from moving on. I'm not saying you have to be mean. I'm not even saying you have to go full NC but you really need to put a lot of distance & time in here.

 

 

You need to ask her what kind of game she's playing. Unless she wants to get back together, IMO she's simply being cruel although she may not realize it.

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preraph

preraph

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Women have no trouble being "just friends" with a guy once they are no longer interested in them romantically, so all you have to do is decide if you are willing to hang around in a friend capacity while she dates and eventually marries another guy.

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middy

middy

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Women have no trouble being "just friends" with a guy once they are no longer interested in them romantically, so all you have to do is decide if you are willing to hang around in a friend capacity while she dates and eventually marries another guy.

 

 

 

And that right there can be a hard pill to swallow especially if dude is the possessive type. Sometimes you just have to fold that hand.

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Nogan

Nogan

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And that right there can be a hard pill to swallow especially if dude is the possessive type. Sometimes you just have to fold that hand.

And sure, that's a bridge I'll cross when it comes to that. I have no intention of being dishonest about my feelings, but I think a little discretion is important until I have a better idea of what her motives are.

 

Could very well be that she isn't quite sure what she wants, either.

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Nogan

Nogan

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Short update and question

 

We hung out for a third time yesterday since the breakup. Went on a hike for a few hours and then I took her to a cool spot for ice cream. Before we parted ways, seemed appropriate to ask if she wanted to keep up the routine of hanging out every so often. She said she enjoyed hanging out as friends and was down so long as I was cool with it as well.

 

I was honest and put it bluntly that while I wasn't spending time with her with the expectation that something was going to change or the intention of pushing anything on her, I WAS still interested in her, and that I felt it was appropriate to be honest about that to avoid being disingenuous if we kept hanging out.

 

Yeah, I see something in her. Even with some time and distance away from the relationship and my feelings, there's something special about her to me. While I enjoy her company for all the same reasons she enjoys mine, I can't pretend that whatever I feel doesn't go beyond simple infatuation or fear of being alone or what have you. I'm a pretty good looking guy, and I've never really hurt for bodies. But I'm not going to be able to connect with a new partner if being given the choice between having my brains ****ed out by any of the attractive women I've been with or making dinner and watching Netflix with this girl, I'd choose her every time.

 

I don't really know what she gets out of being friends with me. I'm not pining after her or fawning her with attention. She could go out and date at any point of her choosing. And if she just had to abandon our relationship out of the blue when there were no outward show of problems, how on Earth could she enjoy being around me? It all seems very strange.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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What she gets is the illusion that she didn't hurt you & you are fine with the new reality.

 

 

BTW, as soon as she gets a new BF your days of hanging out are over.

 

 

At some point you are going to get sick of this & give up.

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Nogan

Nogan

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What she gets is the illusion that she didn't hurt you & you are fine with the new reality.

 

 

BTW, as soon as she gets a new BF your days of hanging out are over.

Well no ****. Would be that way regardless of whether she really genuinely wanted to keep me as a friend, and I definitely wouldn't keep sniffing around in that situation :p

 

And my intention right now is to go out again for a drink and have a conversation about this. That'll probably settle what I decide to do

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BC1980

BC1980

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Spending time with an ex you have feelings for is a definite no for me. Time and distance are essential.

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Blanco

Blanco

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OP, there's no conversation to be had. You're either her friend or you're not. Those are your two options. You didn't end the relationship. She did.

 

BC is absolutely right. Right now, all you're doing is letting your ex think that everything between you two is square. She can enjoy your companionship AND be receptive to potential male suitors guilt-free. Win-win for her. Lose-lose for you.

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kortz

kortz

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As others have said its not worth it. If you have feelings for her, no matter how indifferent you think you are about them, then a day will come where she'll meet someone else and she'll cut you out and leave you feeling pretty crappy.

 

Sounds like she's perhaps leaning on you a bit for emotional support i.e. maybe because she's not seeing anyone else she's a little lonely and you're filling a void for her. That might not be something she's doing intentionally or consciously but its what is happening.

 

My advise would be to have an open and frank conversation with her about what this is and if she doesn't want to have anything more with you than this 'friendship' then you need to just tell her you don't think its a good idea that you continue and hope that she can respect that. In the long run its for the best.

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dumbass2

dumbass2

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I did this for a bit with an ex but finally had to tell her that if she doesn't want what I want that we should no longer be in contact. That was the last conversation we had. I felt bummed but relieved afterwards. You're in no mans land right now. Don't keep on with it.

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Nogan

Nogan

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I know everyone here is right. I know what I'd tell someone with the same story. Logic just doesn't play as much of a part as far as emotions are concerned.

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kortz

kortz

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I know everyone here is right. I know what I'd tell someone with the same story. Logic just doesn't play as much of a part as far as emotions are concerned.

 

It doesn't which is why you need to be strong in your head. It's tough to do and it might be that you get stung before you come to accept things...its whether you're prepared to deal with any residual emotions from the fallout or want to put yourself through that.

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mon.

mon.

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What she gets is the illusion that she didn't hurt you & you are fine with the new reality.

 

That's really clever!

 

Sorry to deviate things a bit here, OP, but I'd really like to know: why do we do that? Why do we need the illusion that we didn't hurt them, although we did? Is this because we're people-pleasers? Is this because deep down we care? If yes, is this "caring" a sign that we "love" them?

 

Thanks :)

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preraph

preraph

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Only do it if both of you are over each other and not wanting reconciliation. Otherwise you're prolonging a losing situation.

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Nogan

Nogan

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Saw her again. Got a little tipsy and dropped the conversation on her head. Basically said how I felt and wondered what she got out of seeing me. Honestly, not a lot of answers out of what was already obvious. We had issues with sex, and they seemed to be symptomatic of whatever it is that's going on in her head and what's been the bane of her every relationship. She gets bored, feels like there's an issue, and wants to find someone she clicks with on every level. I suggested that she might be poking the wrong badger with that one, and that it might be more something going on inside of her that leads to whatever disconnect she's had with every guy she's dated.

 

Truth be told, she's the only girl I've been with that didn't want to **** my brains out. I don't know if that's any metric to go by, but I'm a good looking guy and I don't have much trouble pulling the sorts of women I'm interested in.

 

So really, no satisfying conclusions. Just further confirmation that I think this one was on her, and it's nothing I could understand, because she doesn't seem to understand herself. I don't know where the affection came from initially, because it was genuine.

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Nogan

Nogan

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Uh so what exactly is the point of all this again?

My ex left a lot of questions from a breakup that came shortly after it seemed like she was getting what she was pushing for. Basically, told me we didn't have chemistry after months of being lovey dovy and then integrating me into her extended family.

 

Along with a lack of any sort of explanation, there were a lot of extenuating circumstances that left me wondering if she just needed space. I've had this opportunity to put that to the test, and I took it to make some sense of something deeply painful and confusing.

 

Basically, I was hoping the lie was whatever caused her to push me away and not what she made it seem like she felt when we were together.

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Nogan

Nogan

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Did you even read this?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

 

 

The quick answer is "NO". If you have an ounce of respect, you don't do it.

My ex isn't going to come back to me. I'm not playing games. I already take good care of myself and have plenty of confidence in myself. I suspected that the breakup had more to do with immaturity than any problems with the relationship, and our conversations have proved that.

 

Even if she decided she wanted to try again, she would have to prove that she learned something about herself, because every single relationship she's had has followed the same pattern. She invests in excitement rather than the person she's with, so any dull moment, any problems she's dealing with, she projects it on her partner and sabotages the relationship.

 

I can accept that. It makes it easier to understand what we had and I don't need anymore closure. In that sense, I can determine whether or not to be friends at this point because I'm not wondering about a different future

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dumbass2

dumbass2

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You can't be friends with her until your romantic feelings for her go completely away and sometimes they just don't.

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