How do people find their girlfriends/boyfriends?

[Code123]

This is the most elusive thing to me.

 

 

Just to give a little context and background about myself, I've always been very introverted and secluded. I'm 26 and never had a girlfriend, and never really spoken to girls much. I'm also a virgin needless to say.

 

I've always lived under the mentality that girls and girlfriends weren't for me, I'm not supposed to have them, and that I might as well understand from the onset that I'm not to have any of that. All of that is for the other guys... the REAL men.

 

I still operate under this mantra even in my adulthood. I've accepted that girls simply aren't for me and that I'm not to have one. It just seems as though this is the case because the behavior of women seems to indicate that their perfeption of me is in conjunction with this fact. Women either fail to acknowledge my existence, or express misgivings that I exist.

 

The only problem I have is that I'm not sure how people manage to find their partners/dates/gfs/bfs etc. Every woman I come across is either taken or dislikes me (or both I should say). I never find girls who aren't already accounted for. It seems impossible. Actually, I think it IS impossible.

 

I count myself out from the dating world because it just seems that it is a world I'm not allowed entrance to. It's for desirable people, and I'm not, so there's no place for me. I think the evidence overwhelmingly supports this conclusion. I find that the number of girls in the entire world who would like me is likely zero, and I'm not being hyperbolic with that conclusion.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Code123

[Els]

Do you work/study? Don't you meet women there? Not saying you should date your colleagues, just puzzled that a 26 yo man 'has never spoken to girls much'. Talking to women at work/class more often would be the recommended first step.

[Code123]

Do you work/study? Don't you meet women there? Not saying you should date your colleagues, just puzzled that a 26 yo man 'has never spoken to girls much'. Talking to women at work/class more often would be the recommended first step.

 

Plenty of women around me in my daily life. But none of them like me.

[mortensorchid]

If there was an answer (for you or anyone else asking this age old question), I would tell you what the answer is. But I don't have it to give you. Instead what I can say is that you must try every means necessary in order to put yourself in contact with people - some kind of community involvement. It's easy to fall into the pitfalls of the internet for ways to communicate and have a "real relationship" with people. True, I do have a few people out there who are internet friends who I have never met in real life (one lives in New Zealand, for example), but remember that the internet is just a tool to use to communicate (like a telephone), we should not rely on it completely for our means of relationship of any kind.

 

As for you introversion? I wish I could help you there as well, but that's something you have to work on that even the best of the best of therapists can't bring you out of. Whatever you do, I ask that you not take things out on others when you are insecure. And, believe me, it's happened in more ways than I care to think about.

[basil67]

Decent social skills are the no.1 requirement for dating. It's about having friends, going out, meeting people and being able to engage them in good conversation.

[Els]

Plenty of women around me in my daily life. But none of them like me.

 

I'm not talking about them liking you, I'm talking about you getting practice with talking to women. This is based on your own admittance that you have never spoken to women much.

 

Actually, scratch that... you should get practice with talking to PEOPLE, period. Do you have a group of friends at least, even if they are mostly male?

[Code123]

Well, all of that rules me out. Thanks.

[mikeylo]

Stop looking. When everything you have tried , isn't working then you start living your life. Do things that you enjoy. Join a club, go hiking. Do something where you find people of your age.

[Els]

Well, all of that rules me out. Thanks.

 

...

 

You're welcome.

[coolheadal]

Not that easy I turned to OLD or FB because it's easier to get over the stranger effect. That's the problem today. But I am getting a lot of smiling faces at me in my daily areas outside I visit from very attractive women. I am in very good physical condition and that pays off along with my confident sex appeal too! LOL

[Kamille]

You've identified that your mindset is getting in the way. Your first step would be to tackle those distorted beliefs about yourself. Have you considered therapy?

 

ps: Try no to think as a girlfriend/women as something you "have" but rather as someone you relate to. How do you relate to men? What do you talk about with men? You just need to bring the same social skills to your interactions with women.

[d0nnivain]

Getting a GF/BF takes effort. As an introvert you are going to have to do things outside of your comfort zone. Step one involves becoming more social. I'm not talking about turning you into the life of the party extrovert. I am talking about learning how to make small talk & be friendly. Doing that will cause the people you come into contact with to like you more. They probably don't dislike you as much as you think they do. You are simply bad at reading social cues & by behaving awkwardly, you make them uncomfortable which you then misinterpret as them not liking you.

 

 

Assuming you have the funds, consider taking a Dale Carnegie course which can help you overcome your social issues.

[Code123]

I'm sorry. All of that is stuff I just simply cannot do. Lol... what I'm describing is the truth and not a distorted view of myself. I guess it's just not for me...oh well. Thanks anyway though guys.

[Code123]

There are intelligence shortcomings too.

[normal person]

I've always lived under the mentality that girls and girlfriends weren't for me, I'm not supposed to have them, and that I might as well understand from the onset that I'm not to have any of that. All of that is for the other guys... the REAL men.

 

I still operate under this mantra even in my adulthood. I've accepted that girls simply aren't for me and that I'm not to have one.

 

If you accept these things as the truth, then they become true. If you fight that perception, you have a chance to change them.

 

It just seems as though this is the case because the behavior of women seems to indicate that their perfeption of me is in conjunction with this fact. Women either fail to acknowledge my existence, or express misgivings that I exist.

 

Your problem is that you're giving these women the default power to validate you or not. Instead of waiting for them to acknowledge your existence, you need to build your life in so such a way that you're the one that they're worried won't validate/acknowledge them. You're living in a world now where you've already lowered yourself beneath them.

 

The only problem I have is that I'm not sure how people manage to find their partners/dates/gfs/bfs etc. Every woman I come across is either taken or dislikes me (or both I should say). I never find girls who aren't already accounted for. It seems impossible. Actually, I think it IS impossible.

 

Look online. There are nothing but single woman on there.

 

I count myself out from the dating world because it just seems that it is a world I'm not allowed entrance to. It's for desirable people, and I'm not, so there's no place for me. I think the evidence overwhelmingly supports this conclusion. I find that the number of girls in the entire world who would like me is likely zero, and I'm not being hyperbolic with that conclusion.

 

The only reason you think you're not allowed entrance to it is because you think you aren't. You are the gatekeeper and you're denying yourself entry. If you don't think you're desirable "as is," what are you doing to change it?

 

Plenty of women around me in my daily life. But none of them like me.

 

What are you expecting them to like about you? What do you think they're not noticing?

[Code123]

I have a philosophy about dating/relationships that is probably unorthodox (and probably unpleasant) for most of you, but is based on a scientific framework. In evolutionary terms, the inferior specimens don't get to mate or pass on their genes. This is a form of natural selection, wherein the alpha males, or the best and brightest specimens get to reproduce. I feel that I'm an inferior male, and I think trying to curtail a natural process by somehow trying to fabricate myself to become a more desirable specimen so that I could get a girl would disturb the natural order. I don't think girls should date me or have sex with me because it wouldn't be right. I think the superior and stronger males should have the girls. This world should belong to the best and brightest. That is how we became who we are today. The inferior were knocked out of the gene pool. So there's that road block that makes it tough for me to accept that I should have a girlfriend. You guys might think this is erroneous, but I'm constantly constrained by this philosophy, and I think, despite what people might think, that it's the right philosophy. Why should I have a girl when it is clearly a violation of how things should be?

[d0nnivain]

I think you have a self esteem problem. There is a lid for every pot. If you weren't so down on yourself it might be easier to get a GF.

 

 

You came on here asking what people do to get a BF/GF. You have been given suggestions about what you can do. You shoot them all down saying you are unwilling or unable to take the necessary steps.

 

 

How did you expect this was going to work? That you could order a GF to be delivered to your house off some kind of menu? That's a hooker / high class escort.

 

 

So what are you willing to do if anything to solve your own problem?

[Maggie4]

You should edit your question to read "how do people LIKE ME find their gfs/bfs" ?

 

You've already decided you are different. That being the case, how the rest of us find partners does not apply to you, and probably of no interest to you either.

 

Maybe your family can help? Some societies still have arranged marriages. That would help your situation, but then no freedom.

[Code123]

I think you have a self esteem problem. There is a lid for every pot. If you weren't so down on yourself it might be easier to get a GF.

 

 

You came on here asking what people do to get a BF/GF. You have been given suggestions about what you can do. You shoot them all down saying you are unwilling or unable to take the necessary steps.

 

 

How did you expect this was going to work? That you could order a GF to be delivered to your house off some kind of menu? That's a hooker / high class escort.

 

 

So what are you willing to do if anything to solve your own problem?

My question was meant to be taken with the caveat that sometimes I do try to honestly establish contact with women, and even in my most sincere efforts, the results show that I do not possess the necessary ingredients to attract women. Therefore I find that it's best to understand that natural selection is at play here, and to accept nature for what it is. It wouldn't be right for me to have a girl given what I know now. Girls should be with the superior men. They get the girls for a reason. They are simply better, and possess better genes. This is not a put down on myself. I'm just trying to approach this with reason, and I think my philosophy bears out. I shouldn't date or mate. It just wouldn't be right.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Code123

[Code123]

You should edit your question to read "how do people LIKE ME find their gfs/bfs" ?

 

You've already decided you are different. That being the case, how the rest of us find partners does not apply to you, and probably of no interest to you either.

 

Maybe your family can help? Some societies still have arranged marriages. That would help your situation, but then no freedom.

Sorry, I didn't see your response here. I think the question was framed correctly. I think it would be best to know how others do it. However, I think that dating is a world that others seem to have access to, and is closed off to me. This I guess makes the process simpler for others, whereas it is impossible for me.

[Maggie4]

It's hard for everyone, but especially hard for shy people. I try to fix people up, because I know it is so hard to find someone. So if I can help a friend or acquaintance onto the road of happiness, then I've changed someone's life. Unfortunately the people who need this help the most, are also the ones without a large circle of friends to help. That's why I asked if your family can help. Maybe the colleague of a roommate of your cousin?

[MercuryMorrison1971]

I can't give you any advice that hasn't already been given to you in this thread. It's obvious that you do want to date (otherwise you wouldn't have created this thread) but your low self esteem prevents you from getting to the point where you are actually dating. If you really want to start dating you have to start with yourself.

 

If it's this obvious to me, someone who's never met you and has only read a few of your post's on an online forum, Than it's likely that most of the women you do encounter are quickly turned off by your insecurity. Woman have a knack for that kind of thing...It's almost like they can smell it.

 

All those cocky D-bag types that seem to get all the girls...Honestly have just figured out what it takes to attract. Of course, there's a fine line between being arrogant and being confident, and that is the line I try to straddle. And it's worked for me. Arrogance will attract a certain kind of girl, and it's probably not the kind of girl you are looking for.

 

You may not believe it. But based on the few post's I've read of yours, I believe you have a horrid self perception for one reason or another. Getting over that is your first step to finding a mate. No one want's to date someone who's always downing themselves...It's very unattractive, rather you're a male or a female.

Edited June 12, 2017 by MercuryMorrison1971

[smackie9]

You are like this guy that used to be a regular on another advice site..for years he was bitter, pessimistic, always claiming girls didn't like him etc. He finally figured himself out. He found he was better with relationships with men.

[basil67]

There are intelligence shortcomings too.

 

Given what you've written here recently, you do not appear to have low intelligence. At the very least, you are highly literate. Were you unable to finish school with a decent mark? If so, what areas of study did you find most challenging and why?

 

Have you ruled out an autism spectrum disorder as a cause for what you describe as extremely poor social skills?

[SwordofFlame]

Try online dating and hope you hit the jackpot. That's probably your best bet.