GeorgeWP93 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 (edited) My girlfriend occasionally gets into a mood where she just wants to be around people who have been there through her tough times and with surgery coming up she's done it again, I don't know if that is the reason but it's logical. She barely texts me, doesn't want to hang out and when I asked her if she was actually alright she said she just needs time to chill. I know people deal with things in there own way but I can't help but find it disrespectful, like she thinks she can drop me for a few days and then pick me up again. I respect her space but is this something I should mention to her? It does bug me but if that's how she deals with things, what can I do? Just intrigued as to others views on this? Edited June 11, 2017 by GeorgeWP93
mikeylo Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I wouldn't say its disrespectful! How long have you been together for ?
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 I kind of agree with you, logically in my head I think okay that's fine but I can't help but feel a bit peeved off with it I guess that's one of our differences. Only about a year. I completely respect her space but just wish she would talk to me a bit more about it, especially as talks of moving in together soon are happening. It's probably just me, I go through spouts of anxiety which obviously doesn't help.
salparadise Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 (edited) It's not a good sign, doesn't bode well for the future. You didn't provide a lot of info, but I'd guess a mood disorder, at a minimum. Ideally, you'd be the one she turns TO, not away from, when stress or life's challenges overwhelm. If I were dating someone who did that I'd consider it a red flag. How long have you been dating, and how often does this happen? Is she in therapy or on any psychotropic medications? What can you do? You probably can't reason it away. I would talk to her and ask why she does it and what she's feeling when she goes cold. I bet she won't be very forthcoming. You should tell her how it makes you feel (in a non-accusatory way). Have you seen any other indications of instability or problems with emotional regulation? I dated someone once who did that and it turned out that she had significant issues that she was hiding. Edited June 11, 2017 by salparadise 3
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 She's done it two or three times in the year I've been with her for maybe 5 days at a time when she does, she says she doesn't know why she does it, just wants to be around people who have always been there for her when she gets like it. As you say, I want to be someone she can lean on when she feels like that not want to be away from. If she doesn't want me there I understand but I don't feel like that's a great basis. It doesn't happen often, occasionally she gets in a bit of a mood as everyone does, slightly takes it out on me and apologises and says it's not aimed at me, I know it's not and I'm not offended by it at all, I love her to bits. She's not depressed or anxious that I know of, she's always told me she doesn't have feelings like that, I just think her previous relationship, a long one, wasn't there for her at all in her times of need and learnt to deal with it alone. Either way, I'm different, I don't mind being there in her time of need because there will be times when I need her to be there.
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 i feel if you havent talked to her then it isnt disresepctful because she is not aware it bothers you.....maybe if you talk to her openly and honestly you might find that she would be more than ready to make you feel more respected and appreciated.....talk to her first before making any decisions on what she feels and what she doesnt....respect is a big word......deb
mikeylo Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I just think her previous relationship, a long one, wasn't there for her at all in her times of need and learnt to deal with it alone. Either way, I'm different, I don't mind being there in her time of need because there will be times when I need her to be there. Give her time. Be receptive when she opens up and don't call out on her when she shuts down. Once she feels that her feelings are safe with you , she will open up. We all have bad experiences that made us open or closed. 1
spiderowl Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I think you have good reason to be worried. If your girlfriend cannot turn to you when she is most stressed, then something is wrong. I would talk to her about it and tell her how you feel shut out. If nothing improves, consider getting a different girlfriend. The only times I have shut out a close partner in that way is if I did not trust him to stick with me, if I did not feel he would understand, or if I did not see him as my partner for long. She seems to feel there is no point sharing with you; that is a bad sign.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Have you tried telling her that in times of trouble that you would like to be one of her support people & that you feel shut out & rejected when she turns to others instead of you? 2
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 (edited) Spoke to her, asked her if she was alright, she said yes she's fine, I said that she hasn't wanted to do anything all weekend and that's not like her, she said that she's stressed and when she is she wants to be alone and always has done, I told her that I respect that and her space but it's hard for me to understand as I am the opposite and when I'm stressed I want my girlfriend there for me. She said that I don't need to make sure she's alright that she will come to me if she needs me so I gave her a kiss and left her to it. Have to say I agree with what she's saying, I told her that's all she had to do was tell me why she wanted to be alone but I still can't help but feel it's strange. I don't need to see her all the time but just seems a bad basis to not want your boyfriend around when stressed, what if I was living with her? I should add that she actually didn't seem impressed that I was concerned for her. Edited June 11, 2017 by GeorgeWP93
salparadise Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 ...but I still can't help but feel it's strange. I don't need to see her all the time but just seems a bad basis to not want your boyfriend around when stressed, what if I was living with her? I should add that she actually didn't seem impressed that I was concerned for her. It's not an insignificant behavioral anomaly, it's a symptom of something larger... the tip of the iceberg as they say. It will become apparent in time. She's not ready to show you yet. It's not normal.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted June 13, 2017 Author Posted June 13, 2017 Made the 40km round trip to see her just now, she apologised and said it's a combination of her new job and the surgery on her wisdom teeth and all seemed to be good, explained that she should speak to me in these situations but because distance she didn't want to rely on me. I shall see how it goes. I also am moving to New York for a month for work so think that's taking a toll on herz
Redhead14 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 She's done it two or three times in the year I've been with her for maybe 5 days at a time when she does, she says she doesn't know why she does it, just wants to be around people who have always been there for her when she gets like it. As you say, I want to be someone she can lean on when she feels like that not want to be away from. If she doesn't want me there I understand but I don't feel like that's a great basis. It doesn't happen often, occasionally she gets in a bit of a mood as everyone does, slightly takes it out on me and apologises and says it's not aimed at me, I know it's not and I'm not offended by it at all, I love her to bits. She's not depressed or anxious that I know of, she's always told me she doesn't have feelings like that, I just think her previous relationship, a long one, wasn't there for her at all in her times of need and learnt to deal with it alone. Either way, I'm different, I don't mind being there in her time of need because there will be times when I need her to be there. Everyone needs a little me time once in a while, but they don't cut their partner out of their lives for extended periods of time. This is not acceptable in a relationship. It's painful and disrespectful to the partner. She's not depressed or anxious -- The behavior she's exhibiting is typical of people who are depressed and anxious, etc., so she's just doing this to do whatever the heck she wants to do when she wants to do it and that's a bad scenario for a partner who wants to have a long-term relationship with them. All that being said, if someone tells me or shows me that they want space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, if they do this often and for extended periods of time, they may find that they do not have a place to land their aircraft because I will pick up the landing pad and move on. I am not a doormat. You shouldn't be either. You let her know that you are looking for a partner who remains connected and doesn't disappear for extended periods of time. If she is able to back away from you for 5 days on a regular basis for no other reason than selfishness, she's not that "into you".
mrs rubble Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I have a hard time talking about my feelings, and it gets worse if someone badgers me for info. It took me years to work out why, but I now know that it is ingrained behaviour. I was sexually assaulted when I was 5-6 years old by a teenaged neighbour. Him and his sister threatened to have me beaten up if I ever told anyone, so I didn't. I supressed the memories and suffered depression and anxiety. My parents took me to a child psychologist who insisted I had parent issues, I never confided in him the sexual assault. I continued to be depressed and anxious for a number of years. My mother would continuously question me about "what was wrong" I always answered "nothing" or "I don't know" because I literally didn't know what was up with me, mum would get angry at me (due to her frustration) and I would withdraw further, avoid her. I told her about it all when I was 18, and I went to counselling and discovered a lot about myself. I still to this day have trouble confiding in my mother and she still gets angry at me if I refuse to discuss my feelings. My husband also has trouble getting info out of me, so I've explained my past to him. He has a tendency to badger me like my mum does, and he also has a tendency to interrupt me when I do open up, which shuts me down again, he's learning to wait until I stop speaking or he'll never hear what I need to say. Not sure if this is any help to you, but I wanted to explain why I'm hard to get to open up, and perhaps make you more aware about really listening to her when she does open up and to refrain from badgering. Good luck. 2
Sparta Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 The last poster nailed it. I don't know what everyone else is talking about it not being disrespectful it is completely disrespectful but the other thing I'm worried about is you. Why would you think that's OK or even have to question it. You either have some self esteem issues or something because should not even be a question buddy first time she did that bye-bye... think of it as if your relationships are auditioning for marriage if you don't like what they demonstrated in front you don't hire them well this one failed miserably
basil67 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Dealbreaker for me. If a person can't confide in me when we're in a relationship, what the heck are they going to do if we marry? One can't take time out when they are married... And now I read that this is due to work stress and wisdom tooth problems? Pfft. Heaven knows how she'll react when faced with a serious issue. (And this is coming from someone who's dentist has recommended she gets a general anaesthetic next time she has major work done) 2
Shanex Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I don't think you have done anything wrong, if anything you are trying to give her excuses even (it's probably just me, she needs space... yawn). After a year together and thinking in moving together I have reservations that she could be a reliable life-long partner. 2
salparadise Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Dealbreaker for me. If a person can't confide in me when we're in a relationship, what the heck are they going to do if we marry? One can't take time out when they are married... And now I read that this is due to work stress and wisdom tooth problems? Pfft. Heaven knows how she'll react when faced with a serious issue. Yup. I have been with emotionally healthy women, and I've been with disordered women. None of the healthy women behaved like that, but the disordered ones did, to varying degrees. I'm pretty sure it's indicative of something else, something significant. OP has been with her a year though, enough time to become attached. He said he loves her. It's not going to be as simple as just walking away. He'll have to wait on the full blown disorder to appear, then be miserable a few years, before he's ready to walk away and get into therapy to heal himself. 1
basil67 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Yup. I have been with emotionally healthy women, and I've been with disordered women. None of the healthy women behaved like that, but the disordered ones did, to varying degrees. I'm pretty sure it's indicative of something else, something significant. OP has been with her a year though, enough time to become attached. He said he loves her. It's not going to be as simple as just walking away. He'll have to wait on the full blown disorder to appear, then be miserable a few years, before he's ready to walk away and get into therapy to heal himself. If I remember correctly, she's already done this a few times. So it's not like she sprung this behaviour on him after a year. In the same situation, I may give another chance after the first time, but I would also have had one foot out the door as to prepare for if it should happen again.
rushed Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Is this the same girl who broke up with you earlier this year? Dude, just cut your losses. She's not the one for you. 1
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