Daaanz Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 So I'm 23, he's 40. We've liked each other for about 6 months, been seeing each other properly for a month and things are great. I am so in love with him, he makes me feel so special. He's so caring, gentle and makes me feel so safe. The sex is amazing, he totally knows what he's doing. I just love everything about him. I want to make things official but I am a little worried about the age difference. I don't notice it at all but I know others will. Has anyone been through something similar? How did people react? I know he can't have children, I would like children, but due to my own health it's not a 100% I will be able to, this is the only issue I really have... I was just looking for advice really from other people who have gone through similar situations, will the age difference cause issues? 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 So I'm 23, he's 40. We've liked each other for about 6 months, been seeing each other properly for a month and things are great. I am so in love with him, he makes me feel so special. He's so caring, gentle and makes me feel so safe. The sex is amazing, he totally knows what he's doing. I just love everything about him. I want to make things official but I am a little worried about the age difference. I don't notice it at all but I know others will. Has anyone been through something similar? How did people react? I know he can't have children, I would like children, but due to my own health it's not a 100% I will be able to, this is the only issue I really have... I was just looking for advice really from other people who have gone through similar situations, will the age difference cause issues? I have a friend who was about your age when she met her now husband when he was about your boyfriend's age. They have an amazing relationship. I'm sure there were raised eyebrows at first (I didn't meet her until after they were already engaged), but she is very, very mature and he's physically fit, etc. so it doesn't even seem like an issue now to be honest. She still adores him about 5 years into their marriage. You are only 23, though, and you need to long and hard about the kid thing! In the case of my friend, her husband had a vasectomy reversal and they were able to get pregnant once, but she lost it, and hasn't been able to conceive again to my knowledge. She's the type of person who can fully invest in her step-kids, but it's really not the same if you have a very strong maternal instinct. Before you get in too deep, make sure that if you never have your own child you really will be OK with that.
mikeylo Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I personally think that at 23, 40 is quite a bit older. 2
Dru76 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 My boyfriend and I are the same ages as you two, only I'm the older one. We've been "official" for just over a year. His mom had an issue with it at first, but now she is on board. We both get along well with each other's friends and family. We look close enough in age, he looks older and I younger, that we have never been given so much as a second look while out together. We've talked about the possibility of children and the only "hangup" is me probably not wanting to have them. Women in my family have had perfectly healthy children through their 40's, and his mom did as well. For his part he doesn't currently see wanting children so well see. Nothing is certain in any relationship so I suppose well have to wait and see how it plays out.
heavenonearth Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I am not dating someone who is 15 years older (I am 30, he is 45), and I don't find it too difficult. He had a similar life path as me (except he has traveled more), but we have plenty to talk about and are intellectual equals. I just sometimes find it odd when we are in public, as he is quite grey on the head and looks his age, whilst I look about mid-20s, so people DO look. But it really shouldn't matter what others think, as long as YOU are comfortable with each other and don't feel like something is missing. 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 As a dad to a woman about your age, I'd be less than thrilled. I might even be tempted to give him a hard time, over and above the usual glowering and implied threats of physical harm. 7
RecentChange Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Some people make it work. While I can enjoy the company of a early 20 something, think that they are fun, cute and even smart. There is no denying the huge gap in life experience. The difference in places in life (someone who has been living as an adult for decades, verses someone who left home shortly ago). I would have a hard time seeing someone that much you than me as my EQUAL. My age and experience would always place the power dynamic in my hands. Something to consider - perhaps you are comfortable with him being in charge, and I have a feeling he is the one in charge given his additional age and experience.
BluesPower Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I will say that... My new GF and I do get some looks. I'm 53 and she is 39. She looks younger. I usually don't date women her age but I am crazy about her. Since my Crazy Ex GF is stalking me on LS that is all that I will say for now...
Miss Peach Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I feel that the older each person is, the less an age difference matters. You're only 23 OP so I do feel you'll run into more issues than someone who is say 50 versus 35 or 55 versus 70. I've dated someone with that sort of age difference and we always got along well but he didn't want to do a lot of things with me and that got to feel lonely at times. Plus I've heard from women in older age brackets and having to take care of an older person. It can be fun for awhile but it might not be something you want to think forever about. Another thing I've seen frequently is that some men with that sort of age difference either have insecurity issues and are seeking validation in the form of a younger woman. I have also seen a lot of narcissistic types seek out younger women they can control. I'm not saying he's bad but it's something that happens frequently enough that's it's worth keeping your eyes open to it.
mossycup Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I think people can get caught up in age difference but what matters is character. I've dated young men who are quite responsible and older guys who are like children. You may wish to not rush into this, but I'd give that advice to anyone in any situation - it takes time to find out a person's true nature. I've dated older guys and I do like that parental feeling, though perhaps be careful if you feel he is patronizing, controlling or not encouraging you to develop as a person ie excessively care taking you. My sister is with someone much older and they seem quite happy.
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 So I'm 23, he's 40. I know he can't have children, I would like children, but due to my own health it's not a 100% I will be able to, this is the only issue I really have... If we forget all the other issues that a big age gap can bring, this ^^^ is a huge deal. Ok if you are just having fun, some NSA sex or a fling, but if you are thinking of getting serious at some point, then the children issue is not something you can just ignore. 1
smackie9 Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 A co-worker of mine just got married...she's 25, he's 42. She's black, he's white, she's got a child from a previous relationship, he has none. They both go to the same church and have the same moral values...they seem to make it work.
GunslingerRoland Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I think there are different angles you can look at a big age difference like that from. There is maturity which I agree with others, isn't a straight line that people follow upwards. Many 20 somethings are more mature than many 40 somethings. But then you get into more real world/practical differences too. Different generations, do you get the same pop culture references? For me I'd find that important in a relationship having some sort of a shared upbringing. It would be weird explaining the time I grew up in to my girlfriend in the same way I explain it to my kids. Then you get into life phases. 40 and 23 might be okay, because they are both working time, but if he's aiming to retire at 55 let's say, then he'd be retiring while you are just starting the prime of your career.
teak Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I think you should go for it if things are good on many levels. Appreciate it for what it is. Maybe he's not your forever person, but maybe he is. Try to enjoy whatever you have together. When it's good, it's good.
Gaeta Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 If you were 40 and dating a 57 year old man I'd say go for it ...but at 23? No, I am sorry, If I were your mother I would oppose with all of my being this relationship. I would want better for you, I would want you to discover life and love with someone around your age and not someone who's seen it all already. It's normal a young woman looks up to an older man, he's more secure, he's got financial security, he's good with words, and he knows his way around a woman. A man his age though should be seeking company of women his age. There is no intellectual challenge for a 40 year old man to be with a 23 year old woman. It's all about making him feel young again and forgetting he's entering the second half of his life. It's cute for now but with time you'll both get bored. You have all of your life in front of you, I don't know why you'd want to slow it down for a man twice your age. Sorry I cannot be supportive like the others, maybe I am the only one on this thread with a young woman as a daughter and I cannot not think like a mother. 4
lana-banana Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 (edited) Gaeta is correct as usual. When we talk about "age difference" as a problem what we really mean is "life stages"; by the time you're 60 and 75 (or even 40 and 55), you've already both gone through a lot of the same things, so the significance of the age difference is much less. But you're 23. You're so young you don't even know what you don't know. Yes, 23-year-old men are awful, but it's better to grow and learn together with someone in the same place rather than to let someone take advantage of you. When I was a college RA, I counseled incoming freshmen to be wary of seniors who only had freshmen friends, because there was always a good reason they didn't have friends their own age. The same applies here. Why doesn't he want to date someone on his own level, in his own bracket? Why doesn't he want an equal? No matter what he tells you, you aren't equals. You're a kid and he can run circles around you, because he's already gone through everything you're going through. There is an inherent power imbalance in your relationship and it won't get better with time. Edited June 14, 2017 by lana-banana 3
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