How do I play this out?

[kortz]

Hey everyone,

 

So long story short, dated my ex for nearly 2 years and she dumped me, it wasn't ugly or nasty but it was painful for both of us. We had a few months of post-breakup confusion and trying to be friends but it didn't work. She ended up with another guy pretty soon after which I think was a rebound, that lasted 4-5 weeks and has been over a few weeks now. Immediately after the break up I went NC for 6 weeks then we bumped into each other one day and exchanged a quick hello. Then over the following 2 weeks there were a couple of small text exchanges about nothing in particular, short and brief.

 

Then at around week 8 I reached out to her which I know according to these forums as the dumpee I shouldn't have done but I know what she's like and just thought screw it what have I got to lose. It started as idle chit-chat but I eventually asked if she'd like to go for a drink. I have healed a lot over the 8 weeks and felt comfortable doing so and ok with the fact that she may say no and if she did I would be ok going back to NC. However she said yes and a week later we went out for a few drinks, had dinner and then a few more drinks and had a really great night.

 

We didn't discuss the relationship or what happened that night and kept everything light and friendly, then at the end of the night we ended up back at her place with a pizza. We were both still pretty drunk and she eventually asked what this meetup was and we had a chat about things but it was very inconclusive and we didn't dive into anything too deep as it wasn't the right time to do so...but basically it got to the point where getting back together was touched on and she said she wasn't sure and didn't want to hurt me again. I told her not to worry about that and the conversation sort of naturally ended there. I then said I'll head off home as it was late and she asked me to stay over. We cuddled a bit in bed but eventually before we could get intimate she said we're both drunk and she didn't want to do anything stupid that we'd regret (we've had drunken break-up sex in the past and it never ended well). In a way I agreed, sleeping together like that would have been too much too soon so it was ok and we went to sleep. The following day we were both pretty hungover but I spent the entire day at her place watching tv with her and left in the evening. We exchanged a few nice texts before bed just saying we had a fun night and stuff but nothing more than that.

 

So that's where I am. I would love a reconciliation with this girl and while I know she still cares for me and has affection for me, I don't know where she's at in regards to us or whats going on in her head. She's the sort of person who very rarely goes backwards even if its what her heart wants. I don't know whether to try and keep things casual for now and try for a few more meet ups and rebuild some of that friendship we had over the course of a few weeks and let things play out more naturally, or to be open and have an honest conversation with her soon after another meetup or two, along the lines of 'hey this is where i'm at, this is what i'd like, if you'd like that too then great, if you don't that's cool and i wish you the best', obviously worded in a better way but in a way to say to her what my intentions are but at the same time I'm ok and not desperate and fine with the fact she might say no.

 

Any advice here would be appreciated, I think I'm in a decent position but need to tread carefully. I do accept that at the end of the day nothing could come of this and I'm ok with that outcome.

[springy]

Your original thread says that you broke up for genuine reasons. You don't say what those reasons are but if they were genuine, I'm not sure trying to reconcile is a good idea. Also, she said she didn't want to hurt you again - to me that says she's still confident in her reason for breaking up and is not interested in reconciling.

 

It looks like you are placing yourself right back into the limbo you were in before you went nc (for what looks like lasted a few months). The hangout, let's be friends thing didn't work before - how do you think that has changed? I think your time would be better spent staying nc and getting over this lady but if you insist on trying again you need to be straightforward and find out if reconciling is a real possibility.

 

It sounds to me she is good with the 'friendship', and will probably be happy to stay in touch with you as long as she is not seeing anyone. IF that is the case, it would be in your best interest to really go nc so you can move on, and not waste anymore time on a futile endeavor. Just don't beat around the bush about it. State what you want (though I think you've likely already done this) so you know where you stand. If you have to try to convince her to be with you again, or that it could work despite the genuine reasons for breaking up, she's not interested and you should accept and go permanent nc so you can prepare your heart for new love.

[kortz]

Your original thread says that you broke up for genuine reasons. You don't say what those reasons are but if they were genuine, I'm not sure trying to reconcile is a good idea. Also, she said she didn't want to hurt you again - to me that says she's still confident in her reason for breaking up and is not interested in reconciling.

 

It looks like you are placing yourself right back into the limbo you were in before you went nc (for what looks like lasted a few months). The hangout, let's be friends thing didn't work before - how do you think that has changed? I think your time would be better spent staying nc and getting over this lady but if you insist on trying again you need to be straightforward and find out if reconciling is a real possibility.

 

It sounds to me she is good with the 'friendship', and will probably be happy to stay in touch with you as long as she is not seeing anyone. IF that is the case, it would be in your best interest to really go nc so you can move on, and not waste anymore time on a futile endeavor. Just don't beat around the bush about it. State what you want (though I think you've likely already done this) so you know where you stand. If you have to try to convince her to be with you again, or that it could work despite the genuine reasons for breaking up, she's not interested and you should accept and go permanent nc so you can prepare your heart for new love.

 

Thanks...I think you really hit the nail on the head there. We've exchanged a few messages today and I've asked to see her for a quick chat tonight and I'm just going to be up front and honest about what I want (which I haven't done yet)...and to be honest I am quite resigned to her saying no but I think it'll at least allow me to know that I gave it a shot after I've had time to think and so has she.

[kortz]

So just an update on this for anyone interested.

 

I saw my ex, we spent a little time together and then I told her I wanted to speak to her about us. Laid out my intentions clearly and stated that my reason for reconnecting with her was with a view to getting back together. I did it all in a calm and collected way and tried not to put her under any pressure but she said no and that she still sees the original reasons we broke up as valid and she got very upset about it all...there is clearly a lot of love still there however in her head she is standing by her original decision. I told her that I understood that and respected her decision, we hugged and I said goodbye.

 

Feeling ok about it all, obviously I was hoping for another outcome but I had also prepared myself for her saying no so it wasn't a surprise. I've gone back to NC now and I will continue to focus on myself and moving forward.

[preraph]

Sorry that's how it turned out, and I know it was hard for both of you. Obviously, she doesn't consider you nothing or disposable, just not quite the right match for her, so don't be hard on yourself about that. In time you'll make a better match.

[kortz]

Sorry that's how it turned out, and I know it was hard for both of you. Obviously, she doesn't consider you nothing or disposable, just not quite the right match for her, so don't be hard on yourself about that. In time you'll make a better match.

 

Thanks for the kind words. Yesterday I think things sank in a little more and I felt a bit down but reading that made sense and helped.

[jamili]

Thanks for the kind words. Yesterday I think things sank in a little more and I felt a bit down but reading that made sense and helped.

 

Kortz i think you handled this well, and im glad you were upfront with her and got your answer. What springy said was spot on and you just needed to find that out for yourself. After finding out you really handled it well. Bravo.

 

Everyone is right about NC now. You need to stop texting, chatting, hanging out with, etc. Just go your own way and keep moving on. Never contact or respond to her again.

 

Maybe one day, in the distant future (years+) she could come around again, but for now you need to assume she never will and heal up.

 

I know this hurts, hang in there and keep on the journey to find the right woman

[kortz]

Kortz i think you handled this well, and im glad you were upfront with her and got your answer. What springy said was spot on and you just needed to find that out for yourself. After finding out you really handled it well. Bravo.

 

Everyone is right about NC now. You need to stop texting, chatting, hanging out with, etc. Just go your own way and keep moving on. Never contact or respond to her again.

 

Maybe one day, in the distant future (years+) she could come around again, but for now you need to assume she never will and heal up.

 

I know this hurts, hang in there and keep on the journey to find the right woman

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm certainly back in NC mode now and feeling better about it, it was much easier to get back into it given I went 6-7 weeks of it before. Onward and upwards!

[Spartakooty]

It sucks, it's risky. The bottom line to all us dumpees: If they wanted to be with us, they would be. Period.

[Marc878]

Unless the dumper initiates it's never going anywhere. You chase they move farther away.

 

All you've done is prolonged your healing.

 

No one gets to a healed condition in 8 weeks.

 

You just couldn't let go like she has.

 

There is nothing there but I doubt you believe it even though she's told you and shown you.

[kortz]

It sucks, it's risky. The bottom line to all us dumpees: If they wanted to be with us, they would be. Period.

 

Yep this is something I've learned. Even if they still have feelings for you or care for you as long as they don't see themselves being with you then that's it really.

[kortz]

Unless the dumper initiates it's never going anywhere. You chase they move farther away.

 

All you've done is prolonged your healing.

 

No one gets to a healed condition in 8 weeks.

 

You just couldn't let go like she has.

 

There is nothing there but I doubt you believe it even though she's told you and shown you.

 

Yes you're right that they need to initiate and this is something I've certainly learned.

 

As for prolonging any healing, I don't think I have but appreciate that a lot of people could do in this situation. The following couple of days after we spoke I was feeling a bit down but not like I had been way back all those weeks ago. And now a week on I'm feeling pretty good to the point I've managed to get two dates lined up with two girls...that's something I couldn't have imagined doing 2-3 weeks ago

[Spartakooty]

Yep this is something I've learned. Even if they still have feelings for you or care for you as long as they don't see themselves being with you then that's it really.

 

I think that's a bit of a difference between men and women - at least is my experience. Following a breakup (if she's the dumper) women can, in many circumstances, do the cozy, quasi friend thing, just hang out, a shoulder to cry on, maybe even the odd shag etc without the relationship. Not trying to pigeon hole women...cuz men can do this too - just not dumpees. I got dumped 2 months ago and I think she could easily have turned around and been my 'friend' and couldn't quite understand why I couldn't. Been NC mostly. Sent a couple emails after a couple weeks. Not really begging or anything, just explaining my position etc. Radio silence now. And she unfriended me on FB. Just been working on myself and hitting the pain head on. It gets better.

[Inafishbowl]

If anything the brief time recently gave you a sort of closure. You seem to have handled it well and perhaps saw the changes that already had occured in her and you.

 

Good luck with the new dating prospects. It's hard to move on and don't expect much from the new girls. Keep it light and be yourself. Have fun.

[jamili]

Unless the dumper initiates it's never going anywhere. You chase they move farther away.

 

All you've done is prolonged your healing.

 

No one gets to a healed condition in 8 weeks.

 

You just couldn't let go like she has.

 

There is nothing there but I doubt you believe it even though she's told you and shown you.

 

Even if the dumper initiates contact, it still doesnt mean it's going anywhere, in my experience. I think the only way to know if its going somewhere is if 1. The dumper initiates contact, AND 2. The dumper says its going to go somewhere.

 

Never trust breadcrumbs.

[kortz]

If anything the brief time recently gave you a sort of closure. You seem to have handled it well and perhaps saw the changes that already had occured in her and you.

 

Good luck with the new dating prospects. It's hard to move on and don't expect much from the new girls. Keep it light and be yourself. Have fun.

 

Thanks. I did a lot of casual dating before my ex so I'm excited to get back out there and I'll be sure to keep it casual.

 

As for the closure, in a way I guess it did although I think I did a pretty good job of healing during NC so before I even reached out to her I was sure that if she said no to seeing me it would be ok. And after she said yes I still didn't expect anything and when I asked her if she'd be open to getting back I had prepared myself for her saying no so it wasn't a shock or anything...I think it did however give me some peace in knowing that I gave it a shot and put myself out there so there would be no more lingering doubt.