Brahms96 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Before being my girlfriend (well my now ex fiancee... we recently got engaged last month), she was my childhood friend and playmate so this is very hard for me. She wasn't just a girl I dated for a year or a couple years. We practically grew up together since we were 7 year-olds. Her parents and most of the other family relatives are my parent's parents too. Her parents are my parents' best friends. I just found out on Saturday night. They are all wondering what's up with us not talking and yes have been asking questions. I really thought I had my life and future long planned. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Sorry man. But better to find out now than after the wedding. What happened? How did you find out? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brahms96 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 She slept with someone else and she wasn't even drunk. I found out because one of our mutual friends called me saying she's been seen coming out of a gym, holding hands with another guy, making out and going into his apartment. So I quickly got dressed up and went over where my friend was (it was only 10 blocks from where I live) and after about 2 hours, I saw her coming out of the apartment and going into the car with the other guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Sounds pretty clear to me. And that soon after the engagement (hell of an engagement gift, eh?), I don't guess that there are any wedding arrangements to cancel. It'll hurt for a good while; give yourself the time and space to heal. Keep busy and take care of yourself. You may never get her completely out of your head, but the sting will eventually go away. Again, I'm sorry, brother. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brahms96 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 I still have yet to cancel the engagement. I haven't inform it to anyone yet. I confronted her yesterday afternoon and she kept denying it till presenting her the evidence of a picture we took of her getting into the guy's vehicle. That's when she started breaking down. My parents and several others are all wondering why we're not speaking and asking questions about it. I feel like my whole world collapsed right in front of me all of the sudden. Even if I were to forgive her, I would never be able to marry her and all those wonderful memories of our younger years and present moment are all now tainted with movie images of everything she must have done with the other guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I'm sorry and afraid to say that your childhood playmate has grown up to be someone that you don't really want to know anymore. Ignore her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brahms96 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 I'm sorry and afraid to say that your childhood playmate has grown up to be someone that you don't really want to know anymore. Ignore her.I'm trying to forget her and it's sooo hard. Do you think it was my mistake mixing our friendship with romance? Was it wrong of me to make her my gf/fiancee? Should I have just kept it as a friend and date someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 As a practical matter, break the engagement effective immediately and cancel any arrangements or reservations you might have for the ceremony or celebration. Cancel any joint credit cards you have and close any joint accounts. Inform your family and her family of all the details in a non-hostile way, just to let them know what's happening. Do not give her the opportunity to spin a different version of events. She was sleeping with him at the same time she was accepting your wedding proposal. Inexcusable. Sorry you're here, but you've been given a gift as odd as that sounds. Imagine if this had happened 5 years into your marriage after 2 kids. She's shown you who she is before any of that had a chance to happen. Extricate yourself from her and find a decent woman who will love you and you alone. There are plenty of them out there. Whatever you do, do not let her assign any of the blame on you. If she wanted to see another man, she should have broken the engagement. If you and she were having problems, she should have aired her grievances before going behind your back. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I'm sorry to have to tell you but someone who would act this way is not even worth having as a friend. Consider yourself extremely fortunate to have dodged this bullet. Don't waste any more of your precious time or life on her. Go dark. Black hole dark. Block her on all social media. Block her on your phone then change your number. Tell EVERYBODY what she has done and then say don't ever mention her name to me again. If you have to, move. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) She slept with someone else and she wasn't even drunk. I found out because one of our mutual friends called me saying she's been seen coming out of a gym, holding hands with another guy, making out and going into his apartment. So I quickly got dressed up and went over where my friend was (it was only 10 blocks from where I live) and after about 2 hours, I saw her coming out of the apartment and going into the car with the other guy. You are lucky to have such great friends looking out for you. As painful as this is, it would have been much worse had you gone into the marriage not knowing about this. I think the near universal advice you will get here is to break it off immediately and permanently. I TOTALLY agree that you should ghost her after explaining to her family why. This will save you grief and allow your head to clear much faster. Otherwise she will play with your head because she knows you love her. Take it from a guy who was in almost the exact same position when I was younger. Edited June 12, 2017 by Zona 8 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I'm trying to forget her and it's sooo hard. Do you think it was my mistake mixing our friendship with romance? Was it wrong of me to make her my gf/fiancee? Should I have just kept it as a friend and date someone else? Really, it's nothing to do with that. It's about who she is right now and what she wants, not about the choices you made. You guys are young, right? And the sh*t is only just beginning to hit the fan? You need to break up with her, make it clear how much she's hurt you, and cut all contact. Not just for you, but also for her. Strange as it may sound, some young people honestly don't realise that their selfish actions hurt other people. The sharp shock of consequence and pain might make her a better person in the long run. So don't feel guilty about making her cry by revealing what she's done. This is the natural consequence of what she's done and she needs to face it. She's not your friend anymore, it's over. It's best to just cut her out of your life, as if she'd moved away and disappeared. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Hopefully you haven't made too many deposits for the wedding so you won't take a financial bath. Do tell your parents she cheated. Whether you tell others is up to you. You are right to know you can't marry her. Begin the painful process of separating from her sooner rather than later. As much as this sucks it is better to learn now, not after the wedding. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I still have yet to cancel the engagement. I haven't inform it to anyone yet. I confronted her yesterday afternoon and she kept denying it till presenting her the evidence of a picture we took of her getting into the guy's vehicle. That's when she started breaking down. My parents and several others are all wondering why we're not speaking and asking questions about it. I feel like my whole world collapsed right in front of me all of the sudden. You don't come out and say it, but I'm guessing that you feel ashamed. Pretty common, and entirely unwarranted. None of this is your fault. Her actions are totally a reflection on her, and have nothing to do with you at all. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed, be pissed. Tell your family what happened, you need the support right now. And honestly, I don't know that I'd bother "formally" breaking the engagement off. I'd likely never communicate in any way with her ever again. That will send the necessary message loud and clear. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) Friend, cancel the wedding plans, tell the parents why. How do you expect to spend a lifetime with someone who is already cheating on you? They are publicly showing affection showing you how little her respect is for you. Thank the heavens for saving you. If they cheat before they marry you they will cheat after they marry you. She is bad wife material, don't waste your time trying to reconcile. The sooner you get rid of her the sooner you will heal. Read up on the 180 and implement it immediately, you can't be friends, friends don't hurt you like that. Edited June 12, 2017 by aliveagain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Good thing you found out before the wedding. Yes, let your family know right away. You dodged a bullet. you do not have to pay child support, alimony and let you stay in your home with her lover and your kids. Sorry she treated you this way. You will heal faster if you go N/C with her. Get her out of your life. She can have her lover. they will cheat on each other. If you were intimate, get tested for stds. N/C and the 180 start now. Your family can help you with the pain. Tell them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I stayed on hell's roller coaster for another year when I should have cut all contact immediately. You are young, and your mind will play tricks on you, and you will be tempted to contact her. You will think of any crazy excuse and justification to do so when you hit an emotional low point, and you will. Don't give in to the temptation or you will increase your pain and drag out your recovery time. Too bad your families are so entangled, this will make it harder to avoid her. Best of luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) I'm trying to forget her and it's sooo hard. Do you think it was my mistake mixing our friendship with romance? Was it wrong of me to make her my gf/fiancee? Should I have just kept it as a friend and date someone else? SHE was the one who had poor boundaries, not you. Meanwhile, you and she were friends and you were attracted to her, and so you manned up and made a move. That was what you were SUPPOSED to do. I mean, the alternative would have been you not doing anything and wondering what if. Does the "96" in your username refer to the year you were born? (seems to be a common thing on here) I bring this up, because if you are 20--21 and she had decided that she wasn't ready to settle down, then the should have told you instead of stepping out on you behind your back. Tell your parents and meanwhile keep on going NC with her. Meanwhile I do hope for your sake that your parents can distance themselves from her parents. You do need more than 2 degrees of separation here. Edited June 12, 2017 by Imajerk17 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 One more thing, if she is your first love, you will probably never forget about her or the feelings you had for her for the rest of your life. This is normal. When you find and marry a women who loves you and would never do this to you, send your friends who disclosed this to you a big gift. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Be thankful that you found out before you married her. You must calmly tell your parents and hers as to why you are ending the engagement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brahms96 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) I had to leave work 2 hours earlier. All of the sudden, I lost my appetitie, felt completely numb as if some cold breeze hit me or not and was holding back emotions the whole time. I'm kind of drunk at this moment because as soon as I got home, I started drinking a lot as a stream of tears continue rolling down my cheeks nonstoppable. I look my puffy at this moment. I look like in a total mess. I had never had this type of reaction of total sadness, numbness and loneliness ever. It's as if a huge part of my life was taken away. My friend (the one that informed me about her cheating) will drive me to my parents' later on in the evening. I will first talk to my parents. Tomorrow, I will speak with her parents. Regarding our ages, yes we're 21 year-old college students. I might be young still but I knew I wanted her in my life. Part of me wishes this were all a horrible dream. Yes, we were each other's first. It was a one of the type love that you rarely find. My mind thinks back at those times (as kids) whenever we would say to each other ''I'll always be your best friend''. And now I feel partly lost without her. Edited June 12, 2017 by Brahms96 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Listen, I know that you are hurting... But you need to start understanding that some of your thoughts and dreams in this wonderful love that you thought you had were partly fantasy. You have a former playmate girlfriend that at some point went to CA to pose and spend time around all of the fast talkers and jerks associated with playboy and that business. Have you done any of that in your young life or have you just been going to school and partying? This girl is at least 5 to 10 years ahead of you in experience of life based on that experience. Are you really that surprised that she was banging some hot gym rat? No matter how hot you are she is hotter and she is not ready to settle down. You need to lose her and never speak to her again. And don't let her woo you back with a special BJ and Anal sex or something like that. I mean man, she was open with this guy. No matter how big your city is someone was going to find out for sure and she did not care... She is not some special snow flake. You need to actually look at reality a little and it may help you heal. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) My youngest is 24, I would give her the same advice I gave you if she were in the same situation. Leaving his apartment with him, holding hands and making out in public and all this just weeks after you got engaged. Sorry friend but you deserve so much better then someone like her, couldn't even tell you the truth when you confronted her. Get tested, you don't know if this was their first time together. Ask for your ring back. Edited June 12, 2017 by aliveagain 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Inafishbowl Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 It totally sucks this happened. As a bit of condolence I had this happen about 30 years ago. I was totally broken and fell into some dark times. I eventually snapped out if it and joined the military. Best thing I ever did was get away and find myself. I also found found my wife who I raised two children with. Maybe transfer to another college and get a fresh start? When Facebook became popular about ten years ago I looked this girl up on there. She was a totally different person from the one I had in my mind. In reality that girl didn't even exist anymore. It was a life defining moment. I laughed when I remembered how I thought I could never go on without this girl. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 The hurt will pass. Thank heaven that you dodged a killing bullet at the tender age of 21 instead of 30 when there could have been a couple of children involved. Finish your education and if need be then move far away. There are over 3 billion women in the world. There is one out there just for you. This one just didn't happen to be the right one. How is she acting / reacting now that she has been exposed? DO NOT let her make it appear your fault that things fell apart. I wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 All you have to do is explain what is going on to your parents. They will take care of the rest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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