My fiancee (former playmate) cheated and I can't erase her from my mind

[doyathinkso]

It was a one of the type love that you rarely find.

 

 

I'm sorry, but it wasn't. It's just that you are still very young so you think it was but you were mistaken.

 

Don't worry. That 'one type of love' will manage to find you a little further down the road. Just leave this mess behind you and continue moving forward towards the good things.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Listen, I know that you are hurting...

 

But you need to start understanding that some of your thoughts and dreams in this wonderful love that you thought you had were partly fantasy.

 

You have a former playmate girlfriend that at some point went to CA to pose and spend time around all of the fast talkers and jerks associated with playboy and that business.

 

Have you done any of that in your young life or have you just been going to school and partying?

 

This girl is at least 5 to 10 years ahead of you in experience of life based on that experience.

 

Are you really that surprised that she was banging some hot gym rat?

 

No matter how hot you are she is hotter and she is not ready to settle down.

 

You need to lose her and never speak to her again. And don't let her woo you back with a special BJ and Anal sex or something like that.

 

I mean man, she was open with this guy. No matter how big your city is someone was going to find out for sure and she did not care...

 

She is not some special snow flake. You need to actually look at reality a little and it may help you heal.

 

I thought he meant she was his childhood playmate...did i miss something?????

[BluesPower]

He said that they had been friends since childhood...

[Steen719]

I thought he meant she was his childhood playmate...did i miss something?????

 

Before I read the thread, I thought the title meant she was a playboy playmate!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Before I read the thread, I thought the title meant she was a playboy playmate!

 

Evidently blues powers thinks she is a playboy playmate....

[Trtroles]

She slept with someone else and she wasn't even drunk.

 

You are young so you should know alcohol is another excuse for cheating.

 

Back to your story. She has no respect for you. She went public with this guy,in front of your friends.

 

Sorry for saying this,but you are one lucky man. No kids,no marriage--RUN and dont look back. You deserve better.

 

Make sure to expose her affair. You dont want to be the bad guy.

 

Take care.

[Cephalopod]

Get the ring back from her and dump her. Expose what she did to friends and family before she proactively tries to go out and trash your reputation by telling everyone lies about you.

 

Expect to hear that you were controlling, jealous and abusive.

[usa1ah]

I thought he meant she was his childhood playmate...did i miss something?????

 

You are correct Mrs John Adams.

[Brahms96]

I told them all, both my parents and hers. She returned me the ring without a struggle.

Her parents, friends and relatives were upset and embarrassed at what she did. As of now, all her stuff and any items pertaining to our memories have been returned to her parents. I currently have nothing about her.

 

I'm still struggling with this. I never stopped loving her but I can't never marry her after she was seen by our mutual friend and then myself. The fact that she wasn't going to confess till caught is what kills it all. Not that it would change anything but a confession could have been better.

 

She did told me there was nothing wrong with me but it's with her and how she's very confused at this point, that she doesn't know what she wants.

[Brahms96]

Before I read the thread, I thought the title meant she was a playboy playmate!

Not playboy playmate. She was my childhood playmate.

That's practically a whole life I'm going to have to throw away. It's still hurting badly. All those memories of playing in the playground, climbing a hill, pretend to be explorers,etc...going down the trash :(:(

I really though I already knew her so good. I could have sworn nothing would go wrong. I was wrong. I guess I don't know the girl I grew up together with. I don't know my life time best friend. I don't know her at all.

[somanymistakes]

It's probably better for you right now to believe that you don't know her at all so that you can block those memories off and move on.

 

Someday it may be possible to look back on the good parts as separate from the bad parts, to think that she changed rather than that you never knew her. People do change, especially when they're young, sometimes quite dramatically. Especially when they pass the 18 threshold and get out from their parents control for the first time, so many people go wild trying to 'find themselves'. I've known a lot of people who seemed so quiet and well-behaved and then... by the time they finished college they'd shaved their heads, done loads of drugs, and were sleeping with a bunch of married people for kicks.

 

Anyway. You're in a better place to begin building a new you, now. People you meet after this point in your life are much more likely to be settled into who they really WANT to be.

[kgcolonel]

Listen, I can relate as I too went through something similar. This may not be what you want to hear but you really are fortunate in the sense that you found out now instead of after marriage and children. Yes, it hurts like nothing else but trust me, she is at least being honest that she doesn't know what she wants and this was a way of her sabotaging the engagement. This may have been somewhat intentional or maybe not but if she was available to this affair, then she was missing the level of commitment you would have needed to make a M last.

 

I am truly sorry for your loss.

 

Was she at least remorseful for what she'd done? What did your parents and her parents say about the cheating?

[Cephalopod]

Brahms...I'm going to tell you straight: you are too young to be getting married. Way too young.

 

You need to wait about 7-10 more years before thinking about marrying. Get out there and date girls and play the field. Mature a little. Your brain isn't finished growing yet. Did you know that?

 

Your ex-fiancee is too young to be getting married. It is a much more open playing field for young women now, and there is no way she was ready to settle down with you. I think this little cheating incident was her way of telling you and herself that she wasn't ready. She needs to really examine herself and her propensity for making bad decisions. She has a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully she will learn from this bad decision and never do it to another guy.

 

And who knows? Maybe several years down the road, after the two of you spend some time growing up and experiencing more of life, she may get herself straight and the two of you may be mature enough to give it another go...if you can come to a point of forgiving her.

[harrybrown]

She does not know what she wants.

 

Then why get engaged, cheat and lie. She cheated and lied because she wanted to. That is what she wants. She does not want you, because she wants to lie and cheat.

 

Not good wife material. Not good finance material.

 

Do not have sex with her without protection.

 

She could try to trap you with a pregnancy. She could already be pregnant and you not be the father.

 

 

Keep running.

 

You need her out of your life for good. You will heal faster by going N/C.

 

She chose to lie and cheat. Go and get some fun and help, but read about the 180 and N/C/

[LivingWaterPlease]

I believe you'll work through this and be able to put it behind you. Don't believe you'll necessarily be hung up on her longterm.

 

It's a big world out there with lots of wonderful women who will be true to you!

 

You are so fortunate to have had a friend who would tell you about this.

[Chi townD]

You made your whole world about her. Now, you have to make your whole world about you! You need to focus on your healing. You need to block her from all of your social media. I hate to sound like and ass, but she has a shoulder to cry on. You don't. When she told you that she felt confused, it was confusion about the feelings she has/had for you and feelings she has for this other guy. Since you're not going to be there, take a scientific wild ass guess where she's going to run to.

 

And sooner than later she's going to post something on social media and it's gonna hurt. So, you need to block her. Start living your life for you! Get new hobbies, join clubs, travel! Go see something new and get yourself out of an environment that has constant reminders of her and go relax and decompress.

 

You need to give yourself time to heal. You're going to go through a ton of emotions. Just let them come. And DO NOT try to get a "closure" meet up. You got your closure the moment the two of you became three.

 

ANd always remember. And I REALLY want you to believe this. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You didn't do anything to deserve this. This was a choice she made. You had nothing to do with that. SO, return the ring and use the money to take a trip somewhere.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brahms, I think Cephalopod hit the nail on the head. Both of you are very young and have yet to mature into adulthood. I wouldn't be too harsh on your ex fiancee because she probably does not know her own mind at this stage. Women in their thirties and forties behave like teenagers and fool around and cheat. Angeleyes and Zombiehead's wife come to mind. If they can do so when they are supposed to be mature women with families then your ex fiancée would be in the kindergarten of cheating school. Give her some slack and do not be too bitter about it.

 

Like others have said take your time go on dates with different girls, learn about their characteristics and traits, their differing moods and try and assess their value system. This last is the most important and will help you choose a woman of integrity and character and someone who will live you for who you are. Such women will have firm boundaries and will not jump into bed with next man who comes along. I would also suggest that if you are able to assess yourself for any character flaws or weaknesses then get into IC to work on them and iron them out now when you are a free agent. Hope this helps you some. Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

Sorry friend, you didn't know her, now you do and just my opinion you dogged a bullet. She would still have been your only one but you would never, ever be hers. That imbalance would have always been the white elephant in the room. You did the right thing. Take whatever time you need to get through this and know that the right one will come along when your ready. Loose her number, you can't be friends with her again. Heal.

[Brahms96]

Was she at least remorseful for what she'd done? What did your parents and her parents say about the cheating?

She was and at the same time it also sounded like she was ashamed of herself and how she let everyone down, even her parents.

 

My parents don't want to hear anything else she has to say. Anyone that hurts me badly is basically dead in their eyes. If she tries knocking on the door, it won't be answered.

Her parents apologized for what happened and said if they will keep in contact with me if I want to but they understand too if I don't contact them. Overall everyone was supportive.

 

I appreciate all the answers. To be honest, I'm not exactly in the mood to already start dating at this point. I'm going to take my time off with just hanging out with my friends and family. No dating for now.

[Brahms96]

Sorry friend, you didn't know her, now you do and just my opinion you dogged a bullet. She would still have been your only one but you would never, ever be hers. That imbalance would have always been the white elephant in the room.

This is what also would hurt me more too. She was my first (we lost our virginities together in HS) and only woman I've ever been with. It's still sad to think about it. :(

 

Regarding being young as others mentioned...yes I'm 21 but I was really ready to start a family. Not sure what does age has to do with someone wanting commitment and being faithful? I never cheated, not even when we were dating in HS.

 

Someone cheating and being immature because they want to. I still want a family and nope, I won't want to be the type of guy that moves from girl to girl quickly. Just that I don't want to date at this point. I need some time to get over this.

[Imajerk17]

This is what also would hurt me more too. She was my first (we lost our virginities together in HS) and only woman I've ever been with. It's still sad to think about it. :(

 

Regarding being young as others mentioned...yes I'm 21 but I was really ready to start a family. Not sure what does age has to do with someone wanting commitment and being faithful? I never cheated, not even when we were dating in HS.

 

Someone cheating and being immature because they want to. I still want a family and nope, I won't want to be the type of guy that moves from girl to girl quickly. Just that I don't want to date at this point. I need some time to get over this.

 

Well, to answer your question, YOU may have been ready to start a family but SHE may not have been (not matter what she might have told you or her family). I mean, she is 21, you were the only one she had ever been with, and then she sees her friends having fun being single and dating around and she might have found herself wondering what she was missing . It may have had to do with her cheating--on a subconscious level.

 

This isn't to justify what she did though. IF she felt suffocated or she truly was not ready to be married or settle down, she could have told you and broke up with you properly. Stepping out on you was about the WORST way for her to have handled it.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

[JS84]

Imajerk good point. Seen plenty of stories about men (but honestly I've seen it much more with women) who only had one partner, got married and started their family young, never got to enjoy their 20s like all of their friends and experience life, and then when they hit their late 30s or 40s they realize what they missed out on and try to recapture it. Then all of the sudden they're acting like teenagers, shaving their snatch, multiple Girls Nightrs Out a week, and suddenly having ONS and affairs.

 

As someone mentioned OP you might be ready for marriage, family, and settling down but she probably isn't and most people aren't at that age.

 

But it's better this happened now before marriage and kids were involved although it probably doesn't feel like it.

[doyathinkso]

Stepping out on you was about the WORST way for her to have handled it.

 

And you know what? Some years from now, when she finally gets her sh*t together it's going to hit her .... that no matter how well she does in her love life from here on in, it's always going to be second best.

 

She has lost you.

 

You have dodged her big skanky bullet.

 

Live long and prosper.

[somanymistakes]

Regarding being young as others mentioned...yes I'm 21 but I was really ready to start a family. Not sure what does age has to do with someone wanting commitment and being faithful? I never cheated, not even when we were dating in HS.

 

Someone cheating and being immature because they want to. I still want a family and nope, I won't want to be the type of guy that moves from girl to girl quickly. Just that I don't want to date at this point. I need some time to get over this.

 

Being young doesn't mean that YOU want to run around, or that all young people want to run around.

 

It does mean, though, that a lot of people at your age are still figuring out what they really want out of life. As teenagers you mostly live under your parents rules and their idea of what is right and normal in life. You might rebel against it but your exposure to other lifestyles is limited. So as they get a bit older and meet people from different walks of life, many people find out that the person they were as a teenager is not who they actually want to be after all, they just didn't understand what all the possibilities were. Some people do drugs, some people change religions, some people dye their hair and get a bunch of piercings and run off to be groupies, all kinds of things.

[somanymistakes]

And you know what? Some years from now, when she finally gets her sh*t together it's going to hit her .... that no matter how well she does in her love life from here on in, it's always going to be second best.

 

She has lost you.

 

... and then she'll turn into me. A horrible fate and not one she should look forward to at all.

 

I wish I could give my younger self a serious smack upside the head.