Is it possible to have a genuine one-sided personality mismatch.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Is it possible to have a genuine one-sided personality mistmatch for more mature adults? Let's say young 30s at least and older.

 

So I was just thinking this.

 

There's looks mismatches, obviously. A guy can be totally in love with a woman and she thinks he's as attractive as foot fungus. We see that one every hour. There's income and status mismatches. A person who lives paycheck to paycheck would love to marry a rich person. That's common but less so.

 

But are there REALLY one-sided pure personality only mismatches where person A thinks the relationship is the bee's knees, and person B is unsatisfied? I'm not sure if there are.

 

A few examples. If A is really intelligent and can speak on a variety of subjects, at some point, B is just going to tire of being forced to speak about subjects they don't know about. Add to that, A probably can't talk about a lot of the things B can talk about that might be considered more 'low brow'.

 

If B is really gregarious and social and 'go get em', then A after a point is going to run out of energy from trying to keep up and going skydiving and canoeing, and going to a beer and sausage festival all in one weekend.

 

But the point is, when there is a personality mismatch, both parties should be aware to a similar level, right?

 

Also, I would say this only applies after dating for a while. It takes a real while dating to really assess personality match.

[CptInsano]

But the point is, when there is a personality mismatch, both parties should be aware to a similar level, right?

 

The stalkers of the world beg to differ. I remember somebody begging me at a subway station to tell him where "his love" went. I knew she was hiding from him. But I was honest when I said that I had no clue.

 

There are plenty of these "one-sided compatibilities", and it's hard to explain to such a person why you aren't compatible because to them everything is perfect. It just comes down to different wants, needs and morals, and therefore different frames of reference when evaluating a situation.

[salparadise]

But the point is, when there is a personality mismatch, both parties should be aware to a similar level, right?

 

Also, I would say this only applies after dating for a while. It takes a real while dating to really assess personality match.

 

Not necessarily on either part. Emotional intelligence (EQ) and personality type preference is something one person may be aware of while the other won't. These things can often be determined on a first date, or even a phone call before meeting in person. I usually know very soon whether there's a basic match in this area.

[tetrahedral]

"Personality" is something which people are often unreliable judges of.

 

My ex had a best guy friend who seemingly thought every girl he crushed on was nice.

 

I think most human beings tend to conflate a positive emotional response with "personality". So yes, it is both possible and frequent.

 

Now, to the extent that personality types can be accurately described, I don't think personality type has much to do with long-term relationship success.

 

Values are really important.

 

Having equal stake in the relationship is important. And reasons for that equal stake could encompass personality, attraction, and whatever else exists on the large spectrum of human emotional responses.

 

But insofar as personality is assumed to have the vague, poorly-defined definition that most give it, I don't think there's any lack of one-sided relationships.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

There are plenty of these "one-sided compatibilities", and it's hard to explain to such a person why you aren't compatible because to them everything is perfect. It just comes down to different wants, needs and morals, and therefore different frames of reference when evaluating a situation.

 

Yes, but my point is it is typically something else they are enamored with.

 

A man may ignore a personality mismatch if he is enamored with a woman's looks, or a woman may ignore a personality mismatch if she is enamored with his status or masculinity.

 

Not necessarily on either part. Emotional intelligence (EQ) and personality type preference is something one person may be aware of while the other won't. These things can often be determined on a first date, or even a phone call before meeting in person. I usually know very soon whether there's a basic match in this area.

 

The problem is on a first date, people have different screening thresholds. Like I would typically give most any woman a second date. A lot of people next as soon and often as they can. But over the long run, for both of those types will see personality clashes.

[JuneJulySeptember]

"Personality" is something which people are often unreliable judges of.

 

My ex had a best guy friend who seemingly thought every girl he crushed on was nice.

 

I think most human beings tend to conflate a positive emotional response with "personality". So yes, it is both possible and frequent.

 

Now, to the extent that personality types can be accurately described, I don't think personality type has much to do with long-term relationship success.

 

Values are really important.

 

Having equal stake in the relationship is important. And reasons for that equal stake could encompass personality, attraction, and whatever else exists on the large spectrum of human emotional responses.

 

But insofar as personality is assumed to have the vague, poorly-defined definition that most give it, I don't think there's any lack of one-sided relationships.

 

To me, I think of personality the same as if you were picking a best friend.

 

In which ways does you personality mesh with your best friend?

[Imajerk17]

I'm confused by this question, to be honest. There are many many relationships that are off-balanced, where one person is far more enamoured with the other person (and is happy to be in the relationship) than vice versa. And in some cases, the more enamoured person doesn't get that his partner wasn't nearly as happy in the relationship until there is a break-up.

 

I do suppose that it (the break-up) sometimes it comes down to ye-old LS obsessions--"looks", hobby lists, and money. But more likely it is due to something intangible, something that no one can quite put a finger on. Person B may have been more impressed with Person A than vice versa, and not because of looks, money, or even because Person A goes skydiving on a different continent every weekend while Person B's idea of a good time is beer at the pub watching the game. Is that what you'd consider a personality mismatch?

Edited June 12, 2017 by Imajerk17

[SwordofFlame]

I don't think you'll find people at complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to personality mismatch. For example, you won't find an extreme introvert dating an extreme extrovert. They're just too far apart.

 

Now if you were to apply that to things like financial or physical appearance. While still rare, I think it's slightly more common.

[preraph]

There can totally be personality mismatches where one person likes the personality of the other and the other can't stand the first person. It happens all the time. I mean say the guy likes the personality of the woman because she's not too loud and she smiles a lot and seems easy to get along with. Then say the guy is kind of quiet and maybe he sort of views the woman to be kind of like himself and not too much of a challenge, so he feels more confident with her because she's also not very extroverted and she's easy to get along with so that makes him feel like she likes him, but really she may be like that with all types of people, not just ones she's romantically interested in. And maybe she doesn't like a guy anything like her at all and wants one who is more exciting or whatever.

 

Or maybe he likes her because she keeps a neat house and he wants to be picked up after, but he himself is a slob so she wants nothing to do with him.

 

I mean, it happens all the time.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm confused by this question, to be honest. There are many many relationships that are off-balanced, where one person is far more enamoured with the other person (and is happy to be in the relationship) than vice versa. And in some cases, the more enamoured person doesn't get that his partner wasn't nearly as happy in the relationship until there is a break-up.

 

I do suppose that it (the break-up) sometimes it comes down to ye-old LS obsessions--"looks", hobby lists, and money. But more likely it is due to something intangible, something that no one can quite put a finger on. Person B may have been more impressed with Person A than vice versa, and not because of looks, money, or even because Person A goes skydiving on a different continent every weekend while Person B's idea of a good time is beer at the pub watching the game. Is that what you'd consider a personality mismatch?

 

Yes. That's why I said it takes time for these things to come out. Someone who seems like an exciting person might be too much for you. Maybe your style is more sitting at the local bar with one other person and downing beers until oblivion. Eventually, these differences come out.

 

Or another way to look at it is ... both people should be able to see the incompatibilities, at least recognize that they exist. It should not be one-sided if both people are mature and true to themselves.

[preraph]

But it's evident not everyone CAN see the incompatibility because they can't accept that person isn't "meant" for them while the other person just wants them to go away and leave them alone. The issue there is the one who is convinced she'd love him if only she tried is delusional and obviously doesn't know the woman as well as he thinks he does or he'd understand why she isn't into HIM. Unfortunately, these people lack respect for the other person's capability to make up their own mind and a whole lot of condescending disrespect manifests with them thinking they know better what that person needs than that person does. If he really knew her so well, he's be reading her mind and might hear her thinking "This person is so skeevy and entitled that he's scary."

[preraph]

Besides suggesting the person get some therapy if they can't let go, the only other advice I have thought of is one that worked for me to some extent, and that is if there is some quality in someone that you are so attracted to that you must have that person, then that is a quality that you should simply develop inside yourself. That way you don't have to continue to crave it. If you like them because they're exciting, change your life and get some excitement so you too will be exciting. If you like them because they're just such a nice social person who everyone likes, push your envelope or even take some courses or read some books toward becoming more social. In my case, I admired someone because he seemed to have recreated himself into quite a spectacle compared to most anyone else around in this conservative state, and that inspired me to try to become who I wanted to be as well.

[JuneJulySeptember]

But it's evident not everyone CAN see the incompatibility because they can't accept that person isn't "meant" for them while the other person just wants them to go away and leave them alone. The issue there is the one who is convinced she'd love him if only she tried is delusional and obviously doesn't know the woman as well as he thinks he does or he'd understand why she isn't into HIM. Unfortunately, these people lack respect for the other person's capability to make up their own mind and a whole lot of condescending disrespect manifests with them thinking they know better what that person needs than that person does. If he really knew her so well, he's be reading her mind and might hear her thinking "This person is so skeevy and entitled that he's scary."

 

I don't know how you veered into infatuation and stalking, but I wasn't thinking along those lines at all.

 

I was talking about putting aside looks, and putting aside status, and abstract emotional triggers, and breaking down how compatible you are ... the same you might do with a friend.

 

I'm talking about being emotionally cold and rational here.

 

It should never be a surprise when there is a breakup due to personality incompatibilities.