My fiancé threatened to leave me while on vacation over a comment on karaoke!

[camillalev]

I appreciate the feedback. I know that you will probably say it's the cycle of abuse /emotional. But today he has been great.

 

I feel very alone when I think about leaving him. And now there's been a 7 day cruise (in the end) that will make us all closer and have so many amazing memories. I think my daughter will be heartbroken and I know I will.

 

It's interesting that someone mentioned his forgetfulness as a tool. It may be! I had never thouggg if that before. I say this because often he freaks out and scares everyone and then realizes he has the very thing he thought he lost.

 

He does lose or break things a lot. I think he has had 5 iPhones this year so far.

 

But most of the time his wallet is where he last left it. However I have bought him 3 pairs now of very expensive sunglasses. I bought him a pair 6 weeks ago. ALL are lost.

 

How did I know this would be OPs response. You indeed are in a cycle of abuse - emotional and mental abuse. His actions are also scaring your daughter and you're allowing it to happen. He didn't even care enough about your scared daughter to even put on an act to make her feel better. One good day doesn't erase a history of being horrible.

 

I would also bet he's already cheated on you like another poster said. His shadiness with the woman on stage was in front of you, I can imagine what he's like when you're not around.

 

You say you feel lonely when you think about leaving. It might be lonely at first - then you'll look back and feel relieved and empowered that you made the right decision and was a role model to your daughter.

 

I wonder how bad you will let it get before you do anything about it.

[camillalev]

I would never say these things to my wife that he said to you. Not even if I was super pissed off.

 

Him not acknowledging you in the crowd could only be for one reason: he has his eye on someone else on the cruise that he hopes to him up with.

 

Get out. You owe an emotionally healthy environment to your child. This 'man' reads like a classic abuser.

 

^^ Yup. He very obviously worked to not mention you or his daughter to this woman who was flirting with him.

 

And yes you need to get your daughter out of his situation. Just because kids are young doesn't mean they don't pick up on these things. They are very observant, theyre sponges and they learn from what you do, what you allow, and the dynamic of your relationships more than the things you say.

[loserwinnernone]

This is exactly what I was wondering. Would another man see this as reasonabl behavior? He was obviously ticked but what was so interesting

Was the fact that I started telling him that I was surprised that he said that we "made him" do this performance.

 

He was annoyed by what I was saying but he had to grab the iPad to see how he looked before he even really responded to my concerns. He was too busy looking at himself to even listen. THEN he was able to unleash on me.

 

I don't know why he said "with my family". When I asked him about that he said "you aren't my family?" I said well it makes it sound like you are with your mom, dad and sister or something. And when she asked if you had anyone special you wanted to dedicate it to ...you said "no. I'm here with my family".

 

The other issue here is money. He put this trip on his credit card and keeps reminding me that I need to pay him the rest. I have already given him 4k and I owe him 1500 more.

 

Each time I buy something it goes to our account and he keeps making comments about the amount. I got my hair highlighted (it was actually cheaper than home) because I was over due. I told him it was going to be 150. I needed to pay him when we get the accounts settled.

 

He has been fairly quiet about it. But when we had the argument the other night when he said that he was leaving...he told me he needed me to pay in full asap.

 

First of all, this vacation was one HE wanted to go on. He told me it would be 4k tops for all of us. Then he let me know that didn't include airfare or excursions. So he wanted me to know it was going to be at least 6k. I said I couldn't afford that. And suggested we cancel the cruise. This was last month.

 

He did. He called and cancelled during this argument and then said that since we were going to have a 3k cancellation fee since it was so late...we might as well just go.

 

And that's what he did. He called back and got it reinstated the next morning. And said I could make payments to him.

 

Soooooo here I sit. Wondering what to do when we get home. It's so hard to think of our lives changing so drastically. This is going to hurt. But I KNOW money is a driving force for him with me.

 

And that just makes me sad. Very sad.

 

I would never say these things to my wife that he said to you. Not even if I was super pissed off.

 

Him not acknowledging you in the crowd could only be for one reason: he has his eye on someone else on the cruise that he hopes to him up with.

 

This man does not deserve you and your daughter. And the both of you deserve better.

[BaileyB]

This is exactly what I was wondering. Would another man see this as reasonabl behavior? He was obviously ticked but what was so interesting

Was the fact that I started telling him that I was surprised that he said that we "made him" do this performance.

 

He was annoyed by what I was saying but he had to grab the iPad to see how he looked before he even really responded to my concerns. He was too busy looking at himself to even listen. THEN he was able to unleash on me.

 

I don't know why he said "with my family". When I asked him about that he said "you aren't my family?" I said well it makes it sound like you are with your mom, dad and sister or something. And when she asked if you had anyone special you wanted to dedicate it to ...you said "no. I'm here with my family".

 

The other issue here is money. He put this trip on his credit card and keeps reminding me that I need to pay him the rest. I have already given him 4k and I owe him 1500 more.

 

Each time I buy something it goes to our account and he keeps making comments about the amount. I got my hair highlighted (it was actually cheaper than home) because I was over due. I told him it was going to be 150. I needed to pay him when we get the accounts settled.

 

He has been fairly quiet about it. But when we had the argument the other night when he said that he was leaving...he told me he needed me to pay in full asap.

 

First of all, this vacation was one HE wanted to go on. He told me it would be 4k tops for all of us. Then he let me know that didn't include airfare or excursions. So he wanted me to know it was going to be at least 6k. I said I couldn't afford that. And suggested we cancel the cruise. This was last month.

 

He did. He called and cancelled during this argument and then said that since we were going to have a 3k cancellation fee since it was so late...we might as well just go.

 

And that's what he did. He called back and got it reinstated the next morning. And said I could make payments to him.

 

Soooooo here I sit. Wondering what to do when we get home. It's so hard to think of our lives changing so drastically. This is going to hurt. But I KNOW money is a driving force for him with me.

 

And that just makes me sad. Very sad.

 

With all due respect, you don't seem to see the forest for the trees.

 

It's not about the money - except for the fact that he is bleeding you dry and you are allowing him to do it. Yes, you are allowing it! Who goes on a holiday expecting the person you are dating to pay for the holiday? I mean, what kind of a man does that?

 

You are far too focused on understanding the "why" he does this, and not focused enough on the fact that you have found yourself in an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy man and you need to get out!

 

To say it again, your daughter is watching you every day and learning about relationships from you. Do you want her to learn that relationships are filled with conflict and that men have the right to bully women... Or do you want her to see that her mother loved her above anyone else, that her mother was willing to do the hard things to put her child's happiness and well being above all else, and that her mother is a strong woman who will not let a man use and abuse her?

 

I know that it's hard, But you really need to leave this relationship. For you and more importantly for your daughter, you should never let a man treat you badly.

 

Counseling... for you and your daughter to break free of this cycle of abuse. Good luck.

Edited June 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[darkmoon]

the life of a single mother is not so great

 

moreover, he is on the edge of a break-down, I know the early signs

 

he is obvsly super-sensitive now, and blowing up for some reason...

Edited June 13, 2017 by darkmoon

[BaileyB]

the life of a single mother is not so great.

 

Obviously not. But, it has to be better than staying with a man who takes your money and talks down to you in front of your daughter.

[SoleMate]

I'd rather have the issues of a single mother in a small apt with my daughter, than be subjected to the kind of crazy, petty, cruel abuse your fiance has engaged in on so many occasions.

[loserwinnernone]

That is a good point.

I wondered the same thing and tbh I was supposed to pay for the entire trip because he was out of work for a bit and his new business is just starting to gain traction.

 

But he is just paying for his employee and rent. He is making about 1k a month of revenue. So he can't afford much unless he drains his life savings. So I have been trying to help.

 

But he has basically no gratitude. He thinks he is still making 280k a year (by his actions) but he is really making a 1k a month profit.

 

Forest through the trees is a very good way of putting it. I keep looking at these specific issues to feel ok about my problems with him but truth is.... as much as I love him...I don't think I have any friends who would show up to my wedding. My family would not. And my friends would probably avoid it too.

 

How do I get Around that?

 

With all due respect, you don't seem to see the forest for the trees.

 

It's not about the money - except for the fact that he is bleeding you dry and you are allowing him to do it. Yes, you are allowing it! Who goes on a holiday expecting the person you are dating to pay for the holiday? I mean, what kind of a man does that?

 

You are far too focused on understanding the "why" he does this, and not focused enough on the fact that you have found yourself in an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy man and you need to get out!

 

To say it again, your daughter is watching you every day and learning about relationships from you. Do you want her to learn that relationships are filled with conflict and that men have the right to bully women... Or do you want her to see that her mother loved her above anyone else, that her mother was willing to do the hard things to put her child's happiness and well being above all else, and that her mother is a strong woman who will not let a man use and abuse her?

 

I know that it's hard, But you really need to leave this relationship. For you and more importantly for your daughter, you should never let a man treat you badly.

 

Counseling... for you and your daughter to break free of this cycle of abuse. Good luck.

[amaysngrace]

Your daughter is asking you to please make him be nice and you think she's creating good memories on this cruise?

 

Seriously?

[BettyDraper]

That is a good point.

I wondered the same thing and tbh I was supposed to pay for the entire trip because he was out of work for a bit and his new business is just starting to gain traction.

 

But he is just paying for his employee and rent. He is making about 1k a month of revenue. So he can't afford much unless he drains his life savings. So I have been trying to help.

 

But he has basically no gratitude. He thinks he is still making 280k a year (by his actions) but he is really making a 1k a month profit.

 

Forest through the trees is a very good way of putting it. I keep looking at these specific issues to feel ok about my problems with him but truth is.... as much as I love him...I don't think I have any friends who would show up to my wedding. My family would not. And my friends would probably avoid it too.

 

How do I get Around that?

 

You don't get around it. You break off the engagement and move on with your life.

[teak]

No, 1 good day will not erase all the bad memories for your daughter. This is the cruise where she will learn that it's OK for a man to bully a woman when they are in a relationship.

 

 

The damage you are doing to your child is irreversible.

 

This. I really want to reiterate this. This relationship is on its last legs. And for the sake of your daughter, you really need to suck it up and end things when you get home. Give him his ring back and struggle through the breakup process. If he seemed like the type of guy who would really respond to counseling, I would suggest that, but he actually sounds like someone with an undiagnosed mental illness.

[aileD]

Please don't marry this 12 year old acting baby

[camillalev]

Your daughter is asking you to please make him be nice and you think she's creating good memories on this cruise?

 

Seriously?

 

No, 1 good day will not erase all the bad memories for your daughter. This is the cruise where she will learn that it's OK for a man to bully a woman when they are in a relationship.

 

 

The damage you are doing to your child is irreversible.

 

I agree with all of the above posts - he is damaging your daughter and her idea of what healthy relationships are. And since you are so willingly allowing him to do so - you are damaging her as well. This is why people end up in therapy.

 

How do I get Around that?

 

I'm sorry to have to say this but what's wrong with you? You're more worried about people not coming to your wedding than how he is treating you and your daughter?

 

As someone who was once in an emotionally abusive situation I understand how tough it can be to leave. The idea of the unknown seems scarier than the current sh*tty reality and the abuser usually warps your sense of what you do and don't deserve. But most people in this position know they're in it, they recognize it and know they'll have to leave, theyre just scared to make the jump.

 

But you seem to be doing mental gymnastics to avoid or even recognize what is happening at all. You're focused on completely the wrong issues. Who cares what he is making. He avoided mentioning you or his daughter to a woman who was, by your words, flirting with him. Your daughter was scared, he saw her being scared, you told him she was scared, and he did nothing to soothe her. He threatened to leave you because you brought up something that bothered you. He accused you of 'abusing' him when you were simply asking him something.

 

You need to start thinking about your daughter. Yes she may be temporarily sad in the event of a divorce but it is much, much healthier to see her mother stand up for herself than what you are currently allowing. It is much healthier to remove your daughter from this toxic situation.

[anika99]

I feel so sad for your daughter. Her reaction indicates that she has been distressed by his behavior before and that's why she was so quick to become upset this time.

 

Why are you putting this abusive man above your daughter's happiness and emotional well being?

[NuevoYorko]

This is exactly what I was wondering. Would another man see this as reasonabl behavior?

Sure, if the other man was unstable like your fiance appears to be. Fortunately you aren't married to him and you can still do right by your daughter and get her out of this abusive situation. Even though it seems to be a situation you sort of enjoy (or you wouldn't be in it), stop subjecting your daughter to it. Please.

 

That is 100% your own responsibility.