Author Uncle Boogie Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 Wow...that didn't take very long. I looked at my phone and saw a message left by one of my friends who I asked to drive by my house sporadically while I was gone. Without even listening, I had that gut feeling you have when you suspect something that turns out to be true. In my driveway was the a$$hats car. He stated that the car was there a while because the hood was cold. I knew at this moment my marriage was over. Throughout my life I have lived by the philosophy that once I make up my mind...that's it. Sometimes I get bit but all in all it has worked out for me. Please don't get argue about it, it is just the way it is and I have always lived with the consequences. I am cutting my meetings short and flying home in the morning. My wife does not know I am coming home early. Right now, I have so many ideas running around in my head on how to confront her; am I going to leave or make her leave or even listen to her at all. I am very confused and angry. Maybe I should fly home and stay with a friend to cool off before confrontation. You know...by re-arranging the spark plug wires on the distributor cap basically makes a car impossible to start or drive. Maybe his car will still be there when I get home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Wow...that didn't take very long. I looked at my phone and saw a message left by one of my friends who I asked to drive by my house sporadically while I was gone. Without even listening, I had that gut feeling you have when you suspect something that turns out to be true. In my driveway was the a$$hats car. He stated that the car was there a while because the hood was cold. I knew at this moment my marriage was over. Throughout my life I have lived by the philosophy that once I make up my mind...that's it. Sometimes I get bit but all in all it has worked out for me. Please don't get argue about it, it is just the way it is and I have always lived with the consequences. I am cutting my meetings short and flying home in the morning. My wife does not know I am coming home early. Right now, I have so many ideas running around in my head on how to confront her; am I going to leave or make her leave or even listen to her at all. I am very confused and angry. Maybe I should fly home and stay with a friend to cool off before confrontation. You know...by re-arranging the spark plug wires on the distributor cap basically makes a car impossible to start or drive. Maybe his car will still be there when I get home. Whatever you do, no violence! And maybe activate the voice recorder on your phone to protect yourself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Sorry to hear this OP. There still might be a reasonable explanation but I acknowledge it is not looking good. Trying to cool down with a friend first sounds a good idea. No violence, no threats. Is it best to note the car number plate and wait until he has gone? Maybe take photos? I can't see the point in confronting him; your issue is with your wife. Any kind of potentially violent confrontation could only land you in hot water and will not help in the long run. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Sorry to hear this OP. There still might be a reasonable explanation but I acknowledge it is not looking good. Trying to cool down with a friend first sounds a good idea. No violence, no threats. Is it best to note the car number plate and wait until he has gone? Maybe take photos? I can't see the point in confronting him; your issue is with your wife. Any kind of potentially violent confrontation could only land you in hot water and will not help in the long run. That's it, Unk. Cool, calm and collected, all the way. You might want to use the interval to check in with a lawyer and go over options. If it was me, I'd get consultations with as many reputable attorneys as possible, thus conflicting them out of representing your wife. Use your anger as motivation to stack things your way as much as possible. I'm very sorry. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Do make sure your emotions are under control before you meet with your STBExW. Do not bring any firearms with you. You want your next day in court to be for a divorce not a murder conviction. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
tetrahedral Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Wow...that didn't take very long. I looked at my phone and saw a message left by one of my friends who I asked to drive by my house sporadically while I was gone. Without even listening, I had that gut feeling you have when you suspect something that turns out to be true. In my driveway was the a$$hats car. He stated that the car was there a while because the hood was cold. I knew at this moment my marriage was over. Throughout my life I have lived by the philosophy that once I make up my mind...that's it. Sometimes I get bit but all in all it has worked out for me. Please don't get argue about it, it is just the way it is and I have always lived with the consequences. I am cutting my meetings short and flying home in the morning. My wife does not know I am coming home early. Right now, I have so many ideas running around in my head on how to confront her; am I going to leave or make her leave or even listen to her at all. I am very confused and angry. Maybe I should fly home and stay with a friend to cool off before confrontation. You know...by re-arranging the spark plug wires on the distributor cap basically makes a car impossible to start or drive. Maybe his car will still be there when I get home. Keep your own advice in mind. You've got the upper hand. Why not consult with a lawyer first? Figure out the road map for legal action and exactly what you'll need. Your wife and her side piece aren't too bright, which is why it wasn't hard to figure this out in the first place. The last thing you want to do is confront her too soon and deprive yourself of potential evidence gathered, or do something that paints her as sympathetic/helps her fundamentally tenuous case in court. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Seeing a lawyer to determine your rights is smart. There is no need to gather evidence to make the STBExW look bad. In the US we have No Fault divorce. It doesn't matter why the marriage ended & fault is not a factor in dividing assets. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Uncle Boogie Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 I want to thank everyone who has replied. I did take the groups advice and went to my friends house when I got into town to cool off and get his advice. I have a good friend who is a attorney who specializes in divorce so I will give him a call. I still have not contacted my wife that I am in town. I feel so isolated. What happens when the person you trust the most breaks that trust in the most hurtful way possible. My wife just called me wanting to know how things are going and when I am coming home. I was suppose to come home Friday so I guess she is checking to see how much longer she can "entertain" Doctor Dick. His name is Richard so he is now called Dick. So this is what I saw on the video recording. Camera's were set in several locations in the house: living room; bedroom and outside pool. Dr. Dick shows up 2 hours after I left and is immediately greeted by my wife with appears to be a big sloppy kiss and grope. Immediately off to the bedroom where I caught all their sexual prowess on high definition video along with corresponding audio. Hearing your wife tell her AP how she never felt this way with anyone else and how he understands her is a bit too much. She did mention that she has a great life and that she could never leave me because I treat her so well. So...I have that going for me. What a B. I don't have a plan on how to confront her yet. In my mind I go home while he is there and totally break him. However, my friend has convinced me otherwise. I am meeting with my attorney in an hour to discuss what I need to do, so maybe that will help calm me down. And so it continues.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Paljoey Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I have the upmost respect for you. Keep handling it like you are. You didn't let her win you caught her. Temptation is what got her if this guy was following her around. Remember pain is weakness leaving the body. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Unk, I sure am sorry you saw that video. I wish I had thought to suggest that someone you trust screen it first. I don't how you get that **** out of your head. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I am sorry this has happened to you. Right now, you have the upper hand. I suggest you make the most of it. Protect yourself and your assets. Close down or set up another account at your bank without your wife's name on it and put half the assets in it. You don't want your (ex) wife raiding your bank account and draining it dry after you kick her out. If you have something valuable in the house that she might take on her way out, perhaps you should secure it before confronting her. As far as the confrontation itself, put the sex acts on a DVD and tell your wife that you found an interesting DVD you'd like her to see, then when she has sat down with the bowl of popcorn, play it for her. Don't say a word. Hand her the papers to terminate the marriage, then tell her she ought to go to Dick's house for the foreseeable future. She is his problem now. Her free ride is over. Good luck, and remember to keep on posting - there is the equivalent of centuries of cheating wisdom on this board, all of it learned with great pain for you to draw upon. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 That's hard to deal with. I guess you felt the video was necessary. Do you think this is irretrievable now? I suppose it is even worse because of what she said. Sorry. I am glad you are not confronting him or her at this point and taking advice. You need support anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 (edited) Scorched earth. Are you in an alienation-of-affection state? If so, sue the doctor. Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I suspect he's probably married as well so definitely inform his wife immediately Sorry man but with what you've seen I'd just end it and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Wow. Only thing Id recommend at this point is cover your assets before you talk to her. Maybe clean out your accounts and protect whatever else you might have before she has a chance to do the same. What a crappy position to be in. But she was caught red handed, so its not like there can be another explanation. At least the wondering is over. Good luck. This may be a long haul for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I am cutting my meetings short and flying home in the morning. My wife does not know I am coming home early. Right now, I have so many ideas running around in my head on how to confront her; am I going to leave or make her leave or even listen to her at all. I am very confused and angry. Maybe I should fly home and stay with a friend to cool off before confrontation. You know...by re-arranging the spark plug wires on the distributor cap basically makes a car impossible to start or drive. Maybe his car will still be there when I get home. Sorry to hear the news. A potato shoved into the exhaust should make the car inoperable without causing a lot of damage. He may wonder where the smell of French Fries is coming from. Listen to your lawyer. Notify the other betrayed spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Oh bless your heart!! I'm so sorry you had to see and hear their interaction. You sound like a wonderful man and you don't deserve this. Great job on remaining level-headed when I'm sure your mind is spinning. Getting all your ducks in a row is the smartest way to go about this. At least you have evidence to hopefully squash any alimony claim this woman may try to make? I know that doesn't make you feel any better... Keep your head up! I'm glad you have reliable friends to get you through this God-awful time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 What an awful woman you are married to. I agree about going "scorched earth", however do not inform her work just yet. If she loses her job, you might be paying alimony for a long time. When you confront her finally, do it slowly. First reveal that you have suspicions. Let her lie and deny. Then reveal you know you heard that a car was in the driveway. Let her lie about a visiting girlfriend. Then tell her you know the car belongs to Dr. Dick. Let her nervously stammer the next lie. Then tell her you heard she kissed Dr. Dick at the door. Listen to more lies. Tell her she's got one chance to tell the truth before you head over to his house. Slowly revealing what you know, and humiliating her with her own lies will throw her off balance and put you in control of the conversation. She'll begin to panic that you know everything, and be more inclined to reveal the whole story. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Wow....this one really got to me... UB - since you heard her tell the Doc how she could never leave you,this is what to can expect once you confront her: Lots of crying Falling to the floor Self deprecation Telling you there's something wrong with her, and she's going to IC Begging Trying to have sex with you Do not fall for any of it. You are in charge of where the relationship goes from here. She knew that having an A could result in divorce, yet she did it anyway. Losing you was with the risk to her. That shows you how much she thought of you. You're her security blanket, her comfort. Nothing more. And please tell the hospital about the good doc. They don't take kindly to this stuff. And if he's married, expose to his wife. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 (edited) Have your friend drive up behind his car bumper to bumper barricading him in, have your friend lock his car then leave so he can't drive away. Then call her and tell her your 5 minutes away. Take a video, invite his wife to watch as you film it. P.S. the potato in his muffler works, he won't be able to drive far. Edited June 14, 2017 by aliveagain 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 No, not yet. I think she is seeing a doctor at the hospital that she works at. She has changed her routine dramatically over the past several months (i.e. death grip on her phone; working different shifts; going to more "staff" meetings; working more overtime (but the pay checks are still the same). She also has not been talking about her day with me, which is really out of the ordinary. She is a social worker at the hospital in question, and the doctor is some mutt that has been sniffing around her for months. I come from a law enforcement background where doing criminal investigations was my main job description. So I have learned that once you have the upper hand, you never give it up. In this case, I think she is cheating, so I am not going to confront her till I get more information. You just listed enough red flags to start a bull fighting school. If you do not investigate, starting with a VAR in the car, then you will stay in limbo. And I would not be taking any relationship temperature or asking her anything. All that will do is alert her that you are suspicious. And if you have a LE background, you got any idea how someone could work all those extra hours and not get a penny more. You will not have a hard time solving this one unless you decide to play ostrich 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Just to give an example of how confusing she can be...We met and dated exclusively in college for 2 years. During the time between my junior and senior years, I was selected to play rugby internationally for 6 months. We kept in constant contact during this time and when I arrived back home I immediately went to her house where she introduced me to her new boyfriend (WTF). And after this you married her? I will leave it at that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) Question: I have questions whether my wife is cheating on our marriage. Ok - shoot In your opinion, is investigating if she is cheating on me the start of the end of the marriage? No it shows you care about it, and you acknowledge she is human and you are human. Does the fact that I have doubts about our relationship hold any hope of getting back to total trust? Trust but verify. All of us are humans - not perfect saints, we mess up, we fall. You look out for your marriage and yourself ! I feel that once the investigation starts, my marriage will never be the same, no matter if the investigation proves true or not. Am I way off base with my feelings? Yes you are - calm down - do a little checking. Say nothing to her make no accusations.Check - find nothing - just be a better husband. If you feel guilty go get some counseling. Say nothing to your wife ever about checking on her Anyway...I have enough doubt with her actions that I need to find out what is going on. Just a little perplexed on how my future reactions to her will be. Gut feelings tend to be very good indicators. Responses above. I had a GF once check up on me - and later my own cheating wife go parnoid and checking on me. I found it endearing and a sign they valued me and did not want to loose me. I took no offense. Edited June 15, 2017 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Uncle Boogie Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 I can't come up with a valid argument with this statement. However, my wife has some type of hold on me, where she can do the meanest things and eventually I forgive. A huge personality flaw on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 If you're that codependent on her then expect more of this behavior in your future. If all you're going to do is talk about it stop. Just learn to roll over and take it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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