Investigation: The begining of the end?

[doble]

Sorry you had to go through what most here have. But, well done UB.

 

It's sickening what our wayward spouses put us through, but it's more amazing when the betrayed stands up and walks away head high not shoulders slumped. You were decisive, and it showed. I'm sure your background had a lot to do with it.

I hope you continue posting, your thread can help those who're not as strong. I waffled a lot, but now my life is good, because I stood up and refused to be a doormat.

There were no recordings fortunately of my ex's philandering. You handled best as you could.

Please keep posting updates, with your sisters inside knowledge, and let us know what happens. Good luck with your new adventure. A man of your grit will only be alone for as long as you wish it.

[Clay]

Given what you had to deal with its not hard to see why you chose to walk away. People on these sites can argue all they want about giving a second chance but in the end this is your life. Your wife showed no real remorse in any of the opportunities that you had given her. Even if she had there is still nothing written in stone that you should have to give her another chance. We hear about emotional abuse and physical abuse all the time and people are quick to say leave over that as well. I don't really understand the stance that infidelity isn't as close to that as it can get. In some cases its worse in my mind. Its been a little over ten years since I divorced my serial cheating ex wife. I still have bad dreams from time to time along with triggers. I know it causes my current wife some issues.

 

I think you handled this well considering how things went. Her throwing a fit in front of your family and friends is her showing one more time just how selfish she is. Follow through with divorce and start doing things for you. I found after my divorce I was able to heal better than I had the entire ten years of my marriage to my ex wife.

 

C

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think Uncle Boogie's STBX wife behaving the way she did at his cousin's birthday party was the hard realization that she had lost everything of value in her life for a fickle man(her AP) who finally deserted her to cover his own a.. I am sure her remorse at the turn of her fortunes was genuine. When everything that had value for you and especially non material things like the love and constant presence of a spouse suddenly seem to evaporate faster than your mind can register it's loss, then torment of the kind that this woman underwent, manifests itself. I think the same kind of torment was experienced by another recent poster with the moniker 'Deepremorse'.

 

At any rate I think Uncle Boogie has done well for himself. I am not against reconciliation but the circumstances of the case and the WS's whole attitude towards what they have done and their realization and recognition of the depth of the injury they have caused their spouse, coupled with the fact that they are prepared to go to Hell and back to help their BS recover and heal from their betrayal of trust is the crucial element to my mind for any reconciliation to take place successfully. If the WS is found wanting in the slightest in his or her commitment to going the whole hog then the poor BS is barking up the wrong tree. Warm wishes all around.

[Clay]

Hi Folks, I think Uncle Boogie's STBX wife behaving the way she did at his cousin's birthday party was the hard realization that she had lost everything of value in her life for a fickle man(her AP) who finally deserted her to cover his own a.. I am sure her remorse at the turn of her fortunes was genuine. When everything that had value for you and especially non material things like the love and constant presence of a spouse suddenly seem to evaporate faster than your mind can register it's loss, then torment of the kind that this woman underwent, manifests itself. I think the same kind of torment was experienced by another recent poster with the moniker 'Deepremorse'.

 

At any rate I think Uncle Boogie has done well for himself. I am not against reconciliation but the circumstances of the case and the WS's whole attitude towards what they have done and their realization and recognition of the depth of the injury they have caused their spouse, coupled with the fact that they are prepared to go to Hell and back to help their BS recover and heal from their betrayal of trust is the crucial element to my mind for any reconciliation to take place successfully. If the WS is found wanting in the slightest in his or her commitment to going the whole hog then the poor BS is barking up the wrong tree. Warm wishes all around.

 

What she is displaying is regret. Not remorse. Its completely different. Regret is tied to what she is loosing. Money, Stability, A committed loving husband. Who really knows maybe some time in the future OP might see real remorse from her but I doubt it. I could be wrong. I am ok with that. I just think the best way to look at this is who cares what she does from her on out. Its now his future and only his is what is important. Finding indifference is the goal.

 

C

[Whodatdog]

Hard to believe this thread is only 6 weeks long. Im sure when your soon-to-be ex was romping with Dr. Dick at your home, she had no clue that in 6 weeks her life would be changed in ways she couldnt imagine. She had a good husband and a long term affair, Im sure thinking she was just so happy and clever, and now she's lost it all.

 

Hoping for the best for you in the future. You took it on the chin, but took the high road and kept your integrity. Not many can say that.

[standtall]

Op, they say the best revenge on an ex is living well. A salute to you!

[Buckeye2]

She was inconsolable, crying and trying to talk at the same time, no one could understand her. She was basically in the fetal position on the ground incapacitated with remorse.

 

I’ve seen this before. A wife has a long term affair, is caught and almost immediately will walk over hot coals to save her marriage. She obviously loved her husband, her lifestyle or both.

 

She did mention that she has a great life and that she could never leave me because I treat her so well.

 

What all of these cases have in common is that the wife doesn’t think sex is a big deal. All that counts is the relationship. She knew that she was never going to leave her husband so the affair wasn’t a big deal. Consequently she didn’t feel all that guilty. She was faithful in what mattered most.

 

The analogy I use is converting to a religion where it’s a sin to eat pork. You know that you promised not to and will hurt people if you do. You will be sorry for hurting them but can never feel guilty for enjoying a little bacon because there is nothing wrong with bacon.

 

They rely on not getting caught (which is easy because their husband can’t imagine them having an affair) or their loving husband forgiving them. Once they realize that the husband is actually going to divorce them they freak out.

 

Until they were caught the affair was free and life was fantastic. Once caught the price is much too high and life is so unfair.

Edited July 28, 2017 by Buckeye2

[deadsoul]

I don't feel like you're cold-hearted at all (and I'm a wayward). I think you did what was best for you and your situation and you really handled it all in a way that worked for you.

 

I hope you'll keep us updated. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, and I wish you well in your new endeavors.

[SevenCity]

You handled this situation like a trained professional. It's difficult for any relationship to end, but especially the way yours did.

 

Please do post back after things have settled and you've moved on from this (perhaps with a new woman).

 

I wish you the best.

[Bufo]

I want to win the Stating the Obvious Award for July. Your very first post posed the question of whether investigating if your wife was cheating was the beginning of the end of the marriage. You may know the answer already,

But for the clueless among us, the answer is YES!

 

Where do I pick up my trophy?

[Ocdude]

Update on you and your STBXW?

[Uncle Boogie]

Update:

 

I just want to give a shout to y'all that responded and gave me the great advise. Our mediation is over and I kept everything that I wanted. She did get the house (paid for) but I have no issue with that. There is no way I would ever live there again anyway. The day of the signing, I told my attorney that I did not want to look at, converse with or even smell her perfume. My attorney set it up that I reviewed the final copy and when everyone was in the conference room, I would come in, sign and date where appropriate, turn around and leave (30 seconds tops). I signed the documents and as I was leaving my now ex wife let out this guttural scream of despair (maybe it was a wounded animal) which gave me some satisfaction (I know it is wrong to feel this way when someone is in pain...but screw her).

 

Now, my best friend is a *********. He has been my friend for over 20 years and I am really close to his family. We have been through academy's together and have survived some harrowing situations. His sister's wedding was last week and I had to attend since she is like a sister to me. What I didn't know was my now ex was a bridesmaid in the wedding. So on the day of the wedding, I show up and my friend (who is a usher) shows me to my seat on the brides side, and starts laughing as he leaves. So I am sitting there looking around the crowd for people I know and my concentration goes to the man sitting right in front of me. It was the one and only Dr. Dick. Now I know what my friend was laughing about when he left. Believe it or not I was very calm and did not feel any real anger towards the good Doctor. I just sat there minding my own business until the music started. As the wedding participants start to come down the isle, Dr. Dick turns around to look and is staring right into my eyes. I swear to all that is holy, the man turned pure white and sweat started to roll down his face. I held face even though I really wanted to laugh. I continued to stare at him when my ex comes down the isle and I turn and look at her. She looks at me, then at him, them back to me and tears start to roll. Not wanting to ruin the wedding, I left my seat after the bride came down and went to the back of the room where no one could see me. My friend came back to stand with me still grinning. Knowing he did all this as retaliation for a prank I did to him, all I could do is say "We're even".

 

At the reception, I congratulated the bride and groom at left. My friend said that my ex was looking for me all through the reception and had a big blow up with Dr. Dick after the alcohol was flowing.

 

What a nightmare.

 

Anyway, my friend was also my business partner and is as close to me as any brother would be. He just has a fatal sense of humor. I signed over my portion of the business to him and boarded the plane back to my new home.

 

It was a really a bizarre week. My feelings were very foreign to me because they were not the feelings I thought I was suppose to have. Feelings like sorrow, anger, remorse, loneliness were not as prevalent as I thought they should have been. Will these feeling eventually come once time has passed and everything shakes out? I do have this nagging feeling that I need to do something more regarding my emotions, but I don't know what that is.

[Clay]

Sounded like you handled it like a pro. Good for you. The best part now is your new life. Enjoy it. You have worked hard to reclaim who you are and what you want in life. Who cares how she feels. She made her bed and now she can sleep in it.

 

C

[drifter777]

My feelings were very foreign to me because they were not the feelings I thought I was suppose to have. Feelings like sorrow, anger, remorse, loneliness were not as prevalent as I thought they should have been. Will these feeling eventually come once time has passed and everything shakes out? I do have this nagging feeling that I need to do something more regarding my emotions, but I don't know what that is.

I guess no one know for sure whether you are going to have all of these feelings somewhere down the road. One thing I do know is that not a single BH who divorced his wife has ever come back here - or any other infidelity forum that I know of - and said that he regretted divorcing his cheating wife. Never - not once.

[BTDT2012]

All the best to you going forward. You Rock!

[road]

Uncle you have a gift for telling your story. You make

reading about bad news fun (for a lack of a better word).

Please update us if anything worthy happens.

[Uncle Boogie]

I’ve seen this before. A wife has a long term affair, is caught and almost immediately will walk over hot coals to save her marriage. She obviously loved her husband, her lifestyle or both.

 

 

 

What all of these cases have in common is that the wife doesn’t think sex is a big deal. All that counts is the relationship. She knew that she was never going to leave her husband so the affair wasn’t a big deal. Consequently she didn’t feel all that guilty. She was faithful in what mattered most.

 

The analogy I use is converting to a religion where it’s a sin to eat pork. You know that you promised not to and will hurt people if you do. You will be sorry for hurting them but can never feel guilty for enjoying a little bacon because there is nothing wrong with bacon.

 

They rely on not getting caught (which is easy because their husband can’t imagine them having an affair) or their loving husband forgiving them. Once they realize that the husband is actually going to divorce them they freak out.

 

Until they were caught the affair was free and life was fantastic. Once caught the price is much too high and life is so unfair.

I agree with you 100%. I truly believe that she thought that her actions would always be forgivable, but if I did the same thing it would be reprehensible behavior not only towards her but all women kind. Maybe that is a stretch but for her it would be close to the mark.

[Uncle Boogie]

Uncle you have a gift for telling your story. You make

reading about bad news fun (for a lack of a better word).

Please update us if anything worthy happens.

You know, sometimes the truth can be a lot funnier than fiction. I have always had a more relaxed sense of humor and it really can in handy during this nightmare. The way she has been acting, I am sure a update will be coming soon. Cheers.

[Uncle Boogie]

You deserve to be happy. You've taken steps to eliminate negative impact people from your life. Good work!

 

Now get busy living and moving forward.

 

Set up several appointments with a therapist. It's therapeutic to talk to someone about the feelings that will likely come up... and have a plan about how to work through those feelings as they surface - so you can get to the other side of those thoughts safely when they do surface. In other words - be prepared - be ready.

 

Do some things you enjoy in the coming months - it will help you to refocus on some good living.

S2B

 

Thank you for the kind words. I believe you are right on point with your thoughts. I believe I will have some delayed reaction after I ruminate over all this stuff in the coming months. I have relied on a lot of my friends over the months and I feel I might be over extending their compassion for me. Probably not true, but it is how I feel. Finding a therapist to talk about how deceived I have been is something that will be new for me. I feel an outsiders opinion is really the only route I can go. However, the country I am currently working and living in have strong cultural opinions between men and women and the roles each play. Finding someone may be more difficult than I thought.

[Uncle Boogie]

All the best to you going forward. You Rock!

Thanks. Once for into the breech, right.

[harrybrown]

Glad that you are free.

 

Hope you find peace and happiness.

 

I really doubt that the Dr. and you ex will have such a wonderful relationship, because how do you trust someone that you know without a doubt is a cheater?

[Uncle Boogie]

Update:

 

Just heard from my sister who works in the same hospital as my new ex and Dr. Dick, that both were terminated from their positions in the hospital. Apparently the hospital has a Conduct of Standards that all employees must follow, which includes fornicating with employees that are not your spouse while on hospital time and premises. My sis relayed to me that my ex constantly approaches her as the intermediate to send messages to me. The messages are what you expect..."I love you...I am soooooo sorry...I want to work this out...why won't you call me...etc." I told her that she can deal with her anyway she wants to...she stated that she told my ex "...since you don't work here anymore I will never see, hear or talk to you anymore. Don't go away mad...just go away." My sis is a stud.

 

As for me, I am settled in my new job in my new country and am adjusting the best I can. I still have moments of pure hate for my ex which is lasting less and less as time goes by. Sometimes I wish I just went nuclear with her and the good Dr. and brought out their true colors to everyone. In the long run, I feel that it is best just to drop and roll and do the best for my mental and physical health and let the two fornicators deal with their deception.

 

One of the thoughts I hold true from all this B.S. is that if you are a spouse that feels their marriage or relationship is not going the way you wish, instead of finding comfort in the arms of another, tell your significant other your feelings and try to work on it. If it cannot be done, then divorce with everything above board. Be an adult and act like an adult.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Uncle Boogie, you can now do the boogie woogie with a free mind. You have got rid of your baggage. A new day dawns with new possibilities and new hopes. All the best going forward.

[merrmeade]

Hi Uncle Boogie, you can now do the boogie woogie with a free mind. You have got rid of your baggage. A new day dawns with new possibilities and new hopes. All the best going forward.

So cute.

 

And as for Dr. Boogie, you've earned a PhD from LS and a lot of admirers. Your wife really blew it losing you to that quack. This will forever be one of my favorite threads for the OP's strength of character and clarity that never wavered. Also it's like a textbook of behavior patterns, the ones we talk about on this forum anyway. Though I'm deeply sorry for your pain and suffering, you now have many well-wishers cheering you on.

[Bufo]

Both got fired? The rare case where justice was served and the BS learned

about it without having to bear first hand consequences too. WXW left cut off from emotional and financial support.

 

I loved your sister's messages.

 

One

Last thought. Your goal now is indifference to ex wife. The less you think about her the happier you will be.