Investigation: The begining of the end?

[OatsAndHall]

 

A question for the group: Do I call her to find out her involvement with the drugs or not? Do you think it should make a difference if she was on them during the affair and off them now? My thinking is the act of having sex with this guy in my bed outweighs anything she might have done while incapacitated. I am chilling in my new job in a great country and have been dating quite a lot, however, I get this visceral feeling that a relationship might evolve which sends me running. I get angry with myself feeling this way, but if I feel this way it must be for a reason.

 

This just continues on and on and on....

 

I would just let sleeping dogs lie on this one, my friend. It's time for things to just be done and over with.

 

I never bothered trying to "prove" my wife was cheating on me but the signs were all there, her behavior was unacceptable and caused me to lose trust in her. We split and and I lost any shred of trust I had in her during our separation. That was enough for me to say "enough is enough".

 

About a month after the divorce was filed, I got some disturbing "news" about her involving potential methamphetamine and cocaine abuse while we were married. A friend gave me information regarding the situation and some of it included timelines... I sat back and thought about all of it and realized that there was the very real possibility that she was using while we were married. I didn't recognize it at the time for a number of reasons.

 

My close friends and family weren't happy about the way I was handling the divorce as they wanted me to battle it out in court with her versus just agreeing to a settlement that was really only benefited her. The drug abuse allegations just added fuel to that fire but I took a step back and decided that I just needed to keep distancing myself from her. There wasn't much to be gained by doing anything other than what I was doing so I just ignored it and moved on.

[merrmeade]

I think you're asking yourself whether you should consider forgiving the infidelity if it was actually the drugs that influenced her poor judgment.

 

For me, with what I know now, it's too tricky. I wouldn't trust myself to make an objective decision and would ask a professional.

[GoldenR]

On June 12th you had your D day.

On October 12th, 4 months later, here you are divorced.

 

Crazy, right?

 

He was also hired by a very large European company as head of internal security.

 

And the OM Dr just recently got fired bc he was stealing oxy and selling it!

 

Incredible!

Edited October 13, 2017 by GoldenR

[Uncle Boogie]

Crazy, right?

 

He was also hired by a very large European company as head of internal security.

 

And the OM Dr just recently got fired bc he was stealing oxy and selling it!

 

Incredible!

GoldenR

 

Does seem fast. However, I was working on the new job position six months before I found out she was cheating. I was not very detailed since I thought it was not germane to the current discussion. The divorce went fast because she knows me and when I make up my mind it is usually set in stone. Some have called me non flexible but it is a policy that I have used most of my adult life and has served me well. So since she didn't contest anything, the mediation went fast and was done quickly. I also have a very good attorney. My head was spinning with how fast everything fell into place, but it is what it is.

[Uncle Boogie]

Crazy, right?

 

He was also hired by a very large European company as head of internal security.

 

"And the OM Dr just recently got fired bc he was stealing oxy and selling it!"

 

Incredible!

 

 

Actually, all I was told was that he was writing scripts for patients who did not actually exist. I don't know if he was selling them or not. In my experience he probably used for personal use and sold some, but realistically, I don't really give a S**t.

[BetrayedH]

Actually, all I was told was that he was writing scripts for patients who did not actually exist. I don't know if he was selling them or not. In my experience he probably used for personal use and sold some, but realistically, I don't really give a S**t.

 

Forgive my short story...

 

I’ve dealt with chronic back & neck pain my whole life. I was once prescribed with oxy for a tooth extraction. The tooth pain only lasted about a day but I quickly found that the oxy relieved ALL of my pain. I went thru that whole script and a refill as it was so...relieving. Fortunately I didn’t have access to more scripts or I probably would have been on my way to addiction.

 

In my experience, if she had been taking so many that she wouldn’t have known what she was doing, then you would have known it. I was on the brink but certainly fully aware of what I was doing. If she was beyond that to the point of no longer being responsible for her actions, you’d have known there was an addiction problem going on. Don’t be tempted to excuse her behavior as if she was under the influence.

 

On a completely separate note, this whole thing is obviously still affecting you. Marc is right that time will clean much of this up for you. I once came here one year post-divorce complaining that I was still impacted. Another veteran poster told me that one year was too soon to expect normalcy and to expect it to be more like 2 years. To be brief, he was right. At two years I was much more looking at the whole ordeal in hindsight rather than it feeling current. Give yourself some time.

[Just a Guy]

Hi BetrayedH, while you may be right about UB knowing if his wife was an addict or not, I would bring up BluesPower's case where his wife was an addict for 20 years and he did not latch on. Maybe some people are good at hiding things like this. Whichever way you look at this I would think UB has done very well considering the nastiness of his situation. More power to him!

[deadsoul]

Some what of an update:

 

 

 

A question for the group: Do I call her to find out her involvement with the drugs or not? Do you think it should make a difference if she was on them during the affair and off them now? My thinking is the act of having sex with this guy in my bed outweighs anything she might have done while incapacitated. I am chilling in my new job in a great country and have been dating quite a lot, however, I get this visceral feeling that a relationship might evolve which sends me running. I get angry with myself feeling this way, but if I feel this way it must be for a reason.

 

This just continues on and on and on....

 

Does this information of whether she was involved or not change the outcome? Are you looking for reasons for why she did what she did? I honestly don't believe anything she tells you will help you. My personal opinion is that when you were in the "finding out-separating-divorcing" stage, you were a bit on "auto-pilot" which made you appear to be cold and methodical. In truth, it was how you were able to cope with everything. I've hinted to you that the emotional side of this might hit you later and I still want you to be prepared for that. Allow yourself to grieve and feel it. It will hurt a lot, but you have to go through that to get to the other side. Continue to date, but you may not want to get serious with anyone at this point and that's okay.

 

In other words, what you're feeling is okay. Allow it. Don't act on it though.

[BTDT2012]

No, I don't think it should make a difference whether or not she was using drugs. Even if she was, she made the choice the first time she took them.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, well if she was using drugs AND cheating then that is a double whammy. Some times it is best to treat people who are so flawed as driftwood. She is not your responsibility if she cannot be responsible for herself. Just a thought.

[S2B]

It's safe to assume that she may have been altered with drugs. But if she was she wouldn't necessarily admit to it.

 

And it doesn't change the outcome. She showed what she's capable of doing but it doesn't mean you need to interact with her anymore...at all.

[Uncle Boogie]

Addendum:

 

To all those who took the time from their busy lives to help me through this difficult time in my life. I am taking to heart what the majority has indicated and will move forward with my life instead of dragging a problem with me. It is sad...in that I love my wife so much, however, you would think that if someone says that they will be with you forever and then betray you so grievously, it is hard to forgive. Maybe in the future I may get to that level, but now...no way.

 

So I am going to take a year and just chill. Maybe date a little, but no commitment. I am going to make new friends and travel around Europe with no expectations at all. After a year I will re-evaluate where I am in life and see where it goes.

 

Again...thanks for all comments, good and bad, you all got me through it.

 

That's all.

[deadsoul]

Addendum:

 

To all those who took the time from their busy lives to help me through this difficult time in my life. I am taking to heart what the majority has indicated and will move forward with my life instead of dragging a problem with me. It is sad...in that I love my wife so much, however, you would think that if someone says that they will be with you forever and then betray you so grievously, it is hard to forgive. Maybe in the future I may get to that level, but now...no way.

 

UB, I think that's okay.

 

So I am going to take a year and just chill. Maybe date a little, but no commitment. I am going to make new friends and travel around Europe with no expectations at all. After a year I will re-evaluate where I am in life and see where it goes.

 

Again...thanks for all comments, good and bad, you all got me through it.

 

That's all.

 

I hope this isn't your "bye Felicia" post because I do hope you'll update. Your story unfolded so fast and please check in and let us know how you're doing. I think you have a good plan for the next year.

[KBob]

Addendum:

 

To all those who took the time from their busy lives to help me through this difficult time in my life. I am taking to heart what the majority has indicated and will move forward with my life instead of dragging a problem with me. It is sad...in that I love my wife so much, however, you would think that if someone says that they will be with you forever and then betray you so grievously, it is hard to forgive. Maybe in the future I may get to that level, but now...no way.

 

So I am going to take a year and just chill. Maybe date a little, but no commitment. I am going to make new friends and travel around Europe with no expectations at all. After a year I will re-evaluate where I am in life and see where it goes.

 

Again...thanks for all comments, good and bad, you all got me through it.

 

That's all.

 

Just read through this thread, and I truly enjoyed it. I've seen a lot of threads on here where people cave and go back to their cheating ex. Not you, you're the f*****g man! Everything you did was what I hoped you would do.

 

Hat off to you, my friend. Enjoy Europe.

[Uncle Boogie]

I want to say hi to all my Loveshack friends who were kind enough to respond. You are familiar that I started my journey with a question, so a situation came up recently and has made me to pose another question: Would you attend a function knowing your ex will be there with possibly the OM? As you chew on this, I will tell you what I did.

 

One of my best friends was getting married and wanted me as one of the groomsmen. Unfortunately, being out of the country and deadlines approaching, I had to reluctantly decline. However, I did state that I would be there for the blessed event. About a month ago my friend gave me a ring to see if I was still coming to the wedding, which I said I was. He started laughing and stated that my ex agreed to be a bridesmaid since the bride is a friend of hers. He said..."with you coming and your ex part of the procession, this wedding just got exciting". He has always had a screwed up sense of humor. Anyway, several weeks before the wedding it started to dawn on me how I should approach this pending nightmare with the ex. Should I stand tall like Henry V "...once more unto the breach, dear friends once more, or close the wall with our English dead". Or should I follow the Monty Python approach and "...run away, run away". Quite the dilemma.

 

So...this Friday night was the rehearsal dinner, and my buddy invited me to attend even though I was not part of the wedding. So not one to pass up a free dinner, I went. Now, my buddy is a sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him). As I came in late to the dinner due to flight delays, the whole room looked up and went dead quite. I heard what appeared as two gasps of air from the front of the room, almost in harmony, from the bride and my ex. Apparently my buddy did not mentioned my attendance to anyone in the wedding. I know this by his smart ass grin on his face. So as not to take the focus of the dinner off the bride and groom, I did a tactical retreat and got out of there.

 

So back to the question: to go or blow. I have to admit that seeing my ex took me back a bit, which was a surprise since I worked hard to work out my negative feelings towards her and what she did to me. But seeing her told me I was not over her. So that night I was pondering what I should do. Well...after reliving all the things that occurred including her actions before and after the mediation agreement, I decided to not attend. This was two fold: one, I assume the bride did not know I was going to show up, and I didnt want to disrupt her day; second, with my current reprised feelings toward my ex, I just couldn't do it. I phoned up my buddy and called him a A$$H$$$ and that I don't think I had it in me to attend, which he said he understood, and that his now wife chewed his butt for most of the night for his stunt.

 

Anyway...I caved. I have these feelings of confusion, anger, hopelessness, and all the other feelings I thought I overcame since she cheated. Right now I am angry that I did not attend the wedding, that my ex had anything to do with my decision which made me act the opposite of what I thought I would do.

 

Apparently I have more work to do on myself, maybe I always will. I will not get back together with her and I have continued NC since I left to my new job. I guess you never stop the nightmares of your past, but hopefully I can come to terms with them.

 

UB

[WilyWill]

You do what's right for you, UB. Don't feel obligated to attend events that make you uncomfortable in any way. Continued NC and time are what you need to heal.

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I wouldn’t overthink this one.

 

Your friend is an a-hole.

 

That is all.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I would definitely have your "buddy" out for a beer and sort out your relationship with him. Very odd behavior. He had no regards to the new bride and no regards to your feelings. Not very "friendish" to be exact. He owes you a few pints to say the least. And a heartfelt apology.

As for your feelings. All normal. I would chalk it up to letting yourself know you are still alive. And your feelings count! I mean seriously, your ex only "feels" with her privates and others... You are ahead of the game.

And finally, as to feeling like you should've attended the wedding....NOPE. You did good. You didn't create extra drama, and you were actually a gentleman towards the bride to be. Stay classy! And remember this experience, when you are put into the same situation for yourself....

[mercy]

Anyway...I caved.

 

No you didn't.

 

You made a healthy choice. You were looking out for yourself. Your strength and good choices are going to see you through this. And you WILL get to the other side of this, I promise.

[Clay]

Time is your friend. Take all of it you need. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back when you recognize it is to soon.

 

The others are right. You should sit your friend down and explain to him now this really isn't funny. If he doesn't get it then its one less friend I would have.

 

C

[Mr Blunt]

Now, my buddy is a sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him)

 

Drop him out of your life like you did your wife!

 

You do not need him or your wife anymore. He tricked you for his enjoyment and your embarrassment. If he was a friend he would have tried to protect your feelings but instead he did the opposite for his own sadistic pleasure…Does him fooling you for his own pleasure remind you of someone?

 

 

 

 

Anyway...I caved. I have these feelings of confusion, anger, hopelessness, and all the other feelings I thought I overcame since she cheated. Right now I am angry that I did not attend the wedding, that my ex had anything to do with my decision which made me act the opposite of what I thought I would do.

 

Apparently I have more work to do on myself, maybe I always will. I will not get back together with her and I have continued NC since I left to my new job. I guess you never stop the nightmares of your past, but hopefully I can come to terms with them.

 

UB, you have less than one year after D-Day. You are doing real well but do not expect your emotions to be immune to your crises with your betraying wife this year. There is a general rule that it takes from 3-5 years to be significantly healed and that is if you do all the right things. You could give us on this forum an update every year and you will see the difference in your emotions. However, I suspect by year 2 or 3 you will be healed enough that you will have a lot more interesting things to do rather than give us updates.

 

Doctor Dick has been removed from his duties at the hospital and his wife now has seen the video…Is she still married to the fat betraying criminal doctor?

[deadsoul]

To be honest, if it didn't affect you, I'd be worried. The emotional part of this is going to hit. Your friend is an A$$hat putting you in that situation and you did the right thing not attending.

 

Allow the hurt. She did a number on you and the only way to get over it is to get through it. You are using this situation to realize that. It isn't going to happen over night and it's okay to feel.

 

Don't fight it. Feel it and accept it so you can move on. It's the only way. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sometimes I read this forum out of curiosity, for education, I suppose.

 

I must say, it's very refreshing to read a story from someone who has enough backbone to outright reject this abusive behavior.

 

Your wife sounds like a person who is very Me First. You see so many men kowtow to this kind of woman, even when she commits a betrayal as offensive as this. I really don't get it.

 

I respect your backbone. Apparently it's quite rare.

[arobk]

I don't think your friend is as big of an ass (to you) as some others do. He called to let you know your ex was in the bridal party. With that info you had to figure she would be at the rehearsal dinner. He took it in stride when you bowed out of the dinner and the wedding. So I don't see the problem between him and you. His wife and him is a whole different matter.

[merrmeade]

I don't think your friend is as big of an ass (to you) as some others do. He called to let you know your ex was in the bridal party. With that info you had to figure she would be at the rehearsal dinner. He took it in stride when you bowed out of the dinner and the wedding. So I don't see the problem between him and you. His wife and him is a whole different matter.

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.