Investigation: The begining of the end?

[BTDT2012]

No, I don't think it should make a difference whether or not she was using drugs. Even if she was, she made the choice the first time she took them.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, well if she was using drugs AND cheating then that is a double whammy. Some times it is best to treat people who are so flawed as driftwood. She is not your responsibility if she cannot be responsible for herself. Just a thought.

[Uncle Boogie]

Addendum:

 

To all those who took the time from their busy lives to help me through this difficult time in my life. I am taking to heart what the majority has indicated and will move forward with my life instead of dragging a problem with me. It is sad...in that I love my wife so much, however, you would think that if someone says that they will be with you forever and then betray you so grievously, it is hard to forgive. Maybe in the future I may get to that level, but now...no way.

 

So I am going to take a year and just chill. Maybe date a little, but no commitment. I am going to make new friends and travel around Europe with no expectations at all. After a year I will re-evaluate where I am in life and see where it goes.

 

Again...thanks for all comments, good and bad, you all got me through it.

 

That's all.

[deadsoul]

Addendum:

 

To all those who took the time from their busy lives to help me through this difficult time in my life. I am taking to heart what the majority has indicated and will move forward with my life instead of dragging a problem with me. It is sad...in that I love my wife so much, however, you would think that if someone says that they will be with you forever and then betray you so grievously, it is hard to forgive. Maybe in the future I may get to that level, but now...no way.

 

UB, I think that's okay.

 

So I am going to take a year and just chill. Maybe date a little, but no commitment. I am going to make new friends and travel around Europe with no expectations at all. After a year I will re-evaluate where I am in life and see where it goes.

 

Again...thanks for all comments, good and bad, you all got me through it.

 

That's all.

 

I hope this isn't your "bye Felicia" post because I do hope you'll update. Your story unfolded so fast and please check in and let us know how you're doing. I think you have a good plan for the next year.

[KBob]

Addendum:

 

To all those who took the time from their busy lives to help me through this difficult time in my life. I am taking to heart what the majority has indicated and will move forward with my life instead of dragging a problem with me. It is sad...in that I love my wife so much, however, you would think that if someone says that they will be with you forever and then betray you so grievously, it is hard to forgive. Maybe in the future I may get to that level, but now...no way.

 

So I am going to take a year and just chill. Maybe date a little, but no commitment. I am going to make new friends and travel around Europe with no expectations at all. After a year I will re-evaluate where I am in life and see where it goes.

 

Again...thanks for all comments, good and bad, you all got me through it.

 

That's all.

 

Just read through this thread, and I truly enjoyed it. I've seen a lot of threads on here where people cave and go back to their cheating ex. Not you, you're the f*****g man! Everything you did was what I hoped you would do.

 

Hat off to you, my friend. Enjoy Europe.

[Uncle Boogie]

I want to say hi to all my Loveshack friends who were kind enough to respond. You are familiar that I started my journey with a question, so a situation came up recently and has made me to pose another question: Would you attend a function knowing your ex will be there with possibly the OM? As you chew on this, I will tell you what I did.

 

One of my best friends was getting married and wanted me as one of the groomsmen. Unfortunately, being out of the country and deadlines approaching, I had to reluctantly decline. However, I did state that I would be there for the blessed event. About a month ago my friend gave me a ring to see if I was still coming to the wedding, which I said I was. He started laughing and stated that my ex agreed to be a bridesmaid since the bride is a friend of hers. He said..."with you coming and your ex part of the procession, this wedding just got exciting". He has always had a screwed up sense of humor. Anyway, several weeks before the wedding it started to dawn on me how I should approach this pending nightmare with the ex. Should I stand tall like Henry V "...once more unto the breach, dear friends once more, or close the wall with our English dead". Or should I follow the Monty Python approach and "...run away, run away". Quite the dilemma.

 

So...this Friday night was the rehearsal dinner, and my buddy invited me to attend even though I was not part of the wedding. So not one to pass up a free dinner, I went. Now, my buddy is a sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him). As I came in late to the dinner due to flight delays, the whole room looked up and went dead quite. I heard what appeared as two gasps of air from the front of the room, almost in harmony, from the bride and my ex. Apparently my buddy did not mentioned my attendance to anyone in the wedding. I know this by his smart ass grin on his face. So as not to take the focus of the dinner off the bride and groom, I did a tactical retreat and got out of there.

 

So back to the question: to go or blow. I have to admit that seeing my ex took me back a bit, which was a surprise since I worked hard to work out my negative feelings towards her and what she did to me. But seeing her told me I was not over her. So that night I was pondering what I should do. Well...after reliving all the things that occurred including her actions before and after the mediation agreement, I decided to not attend. This was two fold: one, I assume the bride did not know I was going to show up, and I didnt want to disrupt her day; second, with my current reprised feelings toward my ex, I just couldn't do it. I phoned up my buddy and called him a A$$H$$$ and that I don't think I had it in me to attend, which he said he understood, and that his now wife chewed his butt for most of the night for his stunt.

 

Anyway...I caved. I have these feelings of confusion, anger, hopelessness, and all the other feelings I thought I overcame since she cheated. Right now I am angry that I did not attend the wedding, that my ex had anything to do with my decision which made me act the opposite of what I thought I would do.

 

Apparently I have more work to do on myself, maybe I always will. I will not get back together with her and I have continued NC since I left to my new job. I guess you never stop the nightmares of your past, but hopefully I can come to terms with them.

 

UB

[WilyWill]

You do what's right for you, UB. Don't feel obligated to attend events that make you uncomfortable in any way. Continued NC and time are what you need to heal.

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I wouldn’t overthink this one.

 

Your friend is an a-hole.

 

That is all.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I would definitely have your "buddy" out for a beer and sort out your relationship with him. Very odd behavior. He had no regards to the new bride and no regards to your feelings. Not very "friendish" to be exact. He owes you a few pints to say the least. And a heartfelt apology.

As for your feelings. All normal. I would chalk it up to letting yourself know you are still alive. And your feelings count! I mean seriously, your ex only "feels" with her privates and others... You are ahead of the game.

And finally, as to feeling like you should've attended the wedding....NOPE. You did good. You didn't create extra drama, and you were actually a gentleman towards the bride to be. Stay classy! And remember this experience, when you are put into the same situation for yourself....

[mercy]

Anyway...I caved.

 

No you didn't.

 

You made a healthy choice. You were looking out for yourself. Your strength and good choices are going to see you through this. And you WILL get to the other side of this, I promise.

[Clay]

Time is your friend. Take all of it you need. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back when you recognize it is to soon.

 

The others are right. You should sit your friend down and explain to him now this really isn't funny. If he doesn't get it then its one less friend I would have.

 

C

[Mr Blunt]

Now, my buddy is a sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him)

 

Drop him out of your life like you did your wife!

 

You do not need him or your wife anymore. He tricked you for his enjoyment and your embarrassment. If he was a friend he would have tried to protect your feelings but instead he did the opposite for his own sadistic pleasure…Does him fooling you for his own pleasure remind you of someone?

 

 

 

 

Anyway...I caved. I have these feelings of confusion, anger, hopelessness, and all the other feelings I thought I overcame since she cheated. Right now I am angry that I did not attend the wedding, that my ex had anything to do with my decision which made me act the opposite of what I thought I would do.

 

Apparently I have more work to do on myself, maybe I always will. I will not get back together with her and I have continued NC since I left to my new job. I guess you never stop the nightmares of your past, but hopefully I can come to terms with them.

 

UB, you have less than one year after D-Day. You are doing real well but do not expect your emotions to be immune to your crises with your betraying wife this year. There is a general rule that it takes from 3-5 years to be significantly healed and that is if you do all the right things. You could give us on this forum an update every year and you will see the difference in your emotions. However, I suspect by year 2 or 3 you will be healed enough that you will have a lot more interesting things to do rather than give us updates.

 

Doctor Dick has been removed from his duties at the hospital and his wife now has seen the video…Is she still married to the fat betraying criminal doctor?

[deadsoul]

To be honest, if it didn't affect you, I'd be worried. The emotional part of this is going to hit. Your friend is an A$$hat putting you in that situation and you did the right thing not attending.

 

Allow the hurt. She did a number on you and the only way to get over it is to get through it. You are using this situation to realize that. It isn't going to happen over night and it's okay to feel.

 

Don't fight it. Feel it and accept it so you can move on. It's the only way. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sometimes I read this forum out of curiosity, for education, I suppose.

 

I must say, it's very refreshing to read a story from someone who has enough backbone to outright reject this abusive behavior.

 

Your wife sounds like a person who is very Me First. You see so many men kowtow to this kind of woman, even when she commits a betrayal as offensive as this. I really don't get it.

 

I respect your backbone. Apparently it's quite rare.

[arobk]

I don't think your friend is as big of an ass (to you) as some others do. He called to let you know your ex was in the bridal party. With that info you had to figure she would be at the rehearsal dinner. He took it in stride when you bowed out of the dinner and the wedding. So I don't see the problem between him and you. His wife and him is a whole different matter.

[merrmeade]

I don't think your friend is as big of an ass (to you) as some others do. He called to let you know your ex was in the bridal party. With that info you had to figure she would be at the rehearsal dinner. He took it in stride when you bowed out of the dinner and the wedding. So I don't see the problem between him and you. His wife and him is a whole different matter.

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.

[road]

I don't think your friend is as big of an ass (to you) as some others do. He called to let you know your ex was in the bridal party. With that info you had to figure she would be at the rehearsal dinner. He took it in stride when you bowed out of the dinner and the wedding. So I don't see the problem between him and you. His wife and him is a whole different matter.

 

I agree. Knowing the importance of NC you declined to be in

the wedding party. Your slip up was letting him get you to break

NC with the XWW.

 

No big deal because usual for a BS to err and break NC at least

once. You saw your XWW woke up and walked out. This was better

then staying there for the rest of the evening.

[road]

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.

 

Please clarify, I do not understand the who knew what.

[Bufo]

I'm quite surprised, and very sure that Ward and June would be unhappy to know that you've kept Eddie Haskell as your friend all these years, Theodore. Don't be mad at yourself for not attending. If for no other reason that you made the bride happy.

[merrmeade]

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.

Please clarify, I do not understand the who knew what.

I meant that the friend didn't confirm whether or not WW knew that UB was coming. But what difference I thought that made I can no longer recall and agree with the point that, yes, it was a mistake to go at all (and break NC) though the important thing is that in the end UB had the right instinct: He turned around and left and never went back.

 

I do want to say, however, that I am more distressed at UB's self-reprisals for doing " the opposite of what I thought I would do," for feeling "confusion, anger, hopelessness" or for not attending the wedding. If any BS has had the right instincts, it's UB and the mistake is not realizing that all of those reactions were normal.

 

But there were more attitudes in the whole narrative about the friend and the wedding event that troubled me even more for UB's sake: for example, UB's good-ol'-boy indulgent reference to the friend's ghastly insensitivity and willingness to get a laugh at his expense as just a "screwed up sense of humor." I mean, a practical joke on recent divorcees is hardly the college prank of a, ha ha, "sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him)."

 

And so that UB would even expect to "stand tall like Henry V" for such a jerk was painful to read.

 

I was concerned about UB's anger at himself for not attending the wedding and his surprise at the reaction he had upon seeing her. Wherever did he get such a notion that he should be, in essence, over her? And since he was not able to do it, does he really think he simply has to work on himself more so that he can, what? Be around her in the future without getting upset?

 

This says to me, frankly, that UB has not sought the right kind of support, conversation or reading that would give him perspective on what's realistic, normal and desirable for a BS at this stage.

 

Good grief, UB. What is the meaning of NC then? Did you think it was only to punish her? It's for YOU so that you won't have to go through this. No, remember YOU are the normal one, the one with feelings, open and vulnerable. You were hurt because you were able to love and committed to it. Of course, you reacted as you did. You're the good guy, remember? The one who doesn't compartmentalize or sweep under the rug. The one who felt every bit of the pain without swerving. THAT was being strong. To 'cave' is to

feel nothing. Of course, you saw her and were overrun with old feelings and reactions. Give yourself a break!

 

The problem was expecting something different, but like road said - one mistake is nuthin'. Just stop beating yourself up, man!

 

Still, all in all, you're doing lots better than I did. I complied with social obligations that forced me to interact with the OW and, oh, I wish I hadn't. It messed me up for months and years and simply wasn't worth it. My absence would've said a lot more than my presence did.

[Cullenbohannon]

Update:

 

Now, my best friend is a *********. He has been my friend for over 20 years and I am really close to his family. We have been through academy's together and have survived some harrowing situations. His sister's wedding was last week and I had to attend since she is like a sister to me. What I didn't know was my now ex was a bridesmaid in the wedding. So on the day of the wedding, I show up and my friend (who is a usher) shows me to my seat on the brides side, and starts laughing as he leaves. So I am sitting there looking around the crowd for people I know and my concentration goes to the man sitting right in front of me. It was the one and only Dr. Dick. Now I know what my friend was laughing about when he left. Believe it or not I was very calm and did not feel any real anger towards the good Doctor. I just sat there minding my own business until the music started. As the wedding participants start to come down the isle, Dr. Dick turns around to look and is staring right into my eyes. I swear to all that is holy, the man turned pure white and sweat started to roll down his face. I held face even though I really wanted to laugh. I continued to stare at him when my ex comes down the isle and I turn and look at her. She looks at me, then at him, them back to me and tears start to roll. Not wanting to ruin the wedding, I left my seat after the bride came down and went to the back of the room where no one could see me. My friend came back to stand with me still grinning. Knowing he did all this as retaliation for a prank I did to him, all I could do is say "We're even".

 

Something my fiancee pointed out.

 

If this is the same friend, you walk into that one yourself. When we look at how thorough you were from day one, it is surprising that you would not think your X would be at the rehearsal, since she was part of the wedding party. It is also surprising that you would not think the friend would try the same thing again. Word for word, the situation is identical.

 

Subconsciously, you had to know she would be there. You made a late grand entrance to the party and left quickly. Why?

 

You wanted to see her. You may dispute this, but a man like you could not be this naive.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Cullenbohannon]

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.

 

He basically told him "If you want to see your Xwife, this is where she will be. He didnt tell the X or the bride. The message (intentional or not) was if you can not handle seeing your X at the rehearsal, don't come to the wedding.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess all this is like a 'Storm in a tea cup'! The thing is if Uncle Boogie isn't taking it all that seriously I guess all the rest of us need to respect him for that and stop treating this like a class room psychology project. I think Uncle Boogie is giving this the once over in a whimsical and self deprecatingly humorous frame of mind and is just sort of laughing it off. I guess we can all join him in doing so. Warm wishes.

[Cullenbohannon]

Many read and post for different reasons. While it is true that we iniatally visited the site for the Getting Married section, there is little traffic on that forum. If one doesnt read to learn, then what is the point?

 

In this case, every one gives the thread starter pats on the back and praise for his thorough and decisive actions. But what happens when the lights go out and you are staring at the ceiling? There are many lessons that can be learned in almost every thread, but the last update has a little bit of humanity, that was overlooked. Even thru the most heinous of affairs, love can endure. He had to see her. After all the tough bravado, this man still has love for his X. Love and pain seem to be a inseperable combination.

 

Take our post for what you wish, but for those at the beginning or those at the end, we will borrow your phrase and say warm wishes.

 

We shall bid you adieu

[Uncle Boogie]

Mr Blunt

 

Before I talked to my friend, I would have followed your "drop them" advise. However, after I talked to him i got a little bit more information. Apparently, his future wife and my ex colluded together to have him invite me to the dinner. I believe he was unaware of the plan and he said his smile was genuine and was glad to see me. I told him to grow a pair or he will be in my position in the near future. I am going to distance my self from him and his new wife for a while to see if the truth comes out.

 

Second...during this whole ordeal I was extremely distracted with her cheating, mediation, selling my interests in the business and moving to a new country. After everything settled out a bit I started to relive the pass and was dwelling on how to get some closure for me. I really knew that she was going to be there and I wanted to have some conversation with her regarding the why's and how's. However, walking into the dinner, I realized that it was a huge mistake that I really did not think it through all the way. So part of me did not want to disrupt their wedding, the other was I found out that I was not mentally ready to deal with her. This is what really supprised me because I thought my mind was clear and my emotions in check. Apparently not.