Investigation: The begining of the end?

[Uncle Boogie]

To be honest, if it didn't affect you, I'd be worried. The emotional part of this is going to hit. Your friend is an A$$hat putting you in that situation and you did the right thing not attending.

 

Allow the hurt. She did a number on you and the only way to get over it is to get through it. You are using this situation to realize that. It isn't going to happen over night and it's okay to feel.

 

Don't fight it. Feel it and accept it so you can move on. It's the only way. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing.

This why I came to this forum. Information from those with first hand knowledge is important to me. I fell back to my old MO's regarding my decision making process. I just did not think about the mind numbing hurt I was going to feel when the dust settled. It's tough to find out new things about you during the most visceral times of your life. You hope you ill fall back to those ideals that have always got you through the tough times and it's a little disconcerting when unknown feelings raise their ugly head and give you a good beat down.

[Uncle Boogie]

I agree. Knowing the importance of NC you declined to be in

the wedding party. Your slip up was letting him get you to break

NC with the XWW.

 

No big deal because usual for a BS to err and break NC at least

once. You saw your XWW woke up and walked out. This was better

then staying there for the rest of the evening.

Agreed. However, it was still one of the most embarrassing things I have done in a long time. i console myself with the knowledge that it will probably happen again sometime in my future.

[Uncle Boogie]

I meant that the friend didn't confirm whether or not WW knew that UB was coming. But what difference I thought that made I can no longer recall and agree with the point that, yes, it was a mistake to go at all (and break NC) though the important thing is that in the end UB had the right instinct: He turned around and left and never went back.

 

I do want to say, however, that I am more distressed at UB's self-reprisals for doing " the opposite of what I thought I would do," for feeling "confusion, anger, hopelessness" or for not attending the wedding. If any BS has had the right instincts, it's UB and the mistake is not realizing that all of those reactions were normal.

 

But there were more attitudes in the whole narrative about the friend and the wedding event that troubled me even more for UB's sake: for example, UB's good-ol'-boy indulgent reference to the friend's ghastly insensitivity and willingness to get a laugh at his expense as just a "screwed up sense of humor." I mean, a practical joke on recent divorcees is hardly the college prank of a, ha ha, "sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him)."

 

And so that UB would even expect to "stand tall like Henry V" for such a jerk was painful to read.

 

I was concerned about UB's anger at himself for not attending the wedding and his surprise at the reaction he had upon seeing her. Wherever did he get such a notion that he should be, in essence, over her? And since he was not able to do it, does he really think he simply has to work on himself more so that he can, what? Be around her in the future without getting upset?

 

This says to me, frankly, that UB has not sought the right kind of support, conversation or reading that would give him perspective on what's realistic, normal and desirable for a BS at this stage.

 

Good grief, UB. What is the meaning of NC then? Did you think it was only to punish her? It's for YOU so that you won't have to go through this. No, remember YOU are the normal one, the one with feelings, open and vulnerable. You were hurt because you were able to love and committed to it. Of course, you reacted as you did. You're the good guy, remember? The one who doesn't compartmentalize or sweep under the rug. The one who felt every bit of the pain without swerving. THAT was being strong. To 'cave' is to

feel nothing. Of course, you saw her and were overrun with old feelings and reactions. Give yourself a break!

 

The problem was expecting something different, but like road said - one mistake is nuthin'. Just stop beating yourself up, man!

 

Still, all in all, you're doing lots better than I did. I complied with social obligations that forced me to interact with the OW and, oh, I wish I hadn't. It messed me up for months and years and simply wasn't worth it. My absence would've said a lot more than my presence did.

Yours was one of the most poignant messages I have received. Your are absolutely correct regarding my friend. The more I think about it the more I feel he was just giving me some standard BS. I have made the decision to step back from him and his new wife to see their true colors. My ex and his wife are close friends so right there he is subject. Apparently I need to clean house of those negative influences that currently affect my well being. However, I can not see these influences clearly right now so I feel I stumble a little bit.

 

NC is still the right course. I did go to the dinner and wedding to see the ex and maybe come to some closure in my own mind. I had several questions and in my mind and I was going to be stoic and calm when talking to her. Seeing her at the dinner really tripped me up. I felt pure anger and confusion towards her and Dr. Dick (who was there) that I just wanted to beat them down. However, better judgement and a spilled water glass brought me back to reality and the best thing to do was a quite retreat. Currently I am working on dissecting them from my thoughts and concentrating moving forward. I have come to the conclusion that I need some professional assistance in this area. This is something I thought I would never do (for some reason)...I don't know why.

[Uncle Boogie]

I'm quite surprised, and very sure that Ward and June would be unhappy to know that you've kept Eddie Haskell as your friend all these years, Theodore. Don't be mad at yourself for not attending. If for no other reason that you made the bride happy.

Always reminds me of the saying..."Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night".

[aliveagain]

Mr Blunt

 

Before I talked to my friend, I would have followed your "drop them" advise. However, after I talked to him i got a little bit more information. Apparently, his future wife and my ex colluded together to have him invite me to the dinner. I believe he was unaware of the plan and he said his smile was genuine and was glad to see me. I told him to grow a pair or he will be in my position in the near future. I am going to distance my self from him and his new wife for a while to see if the truth comes out.

 

Second...during this whole ordeal I was extremely distracted with her cheating, mediation, selling my interests in the business and moving to a new country. After everything settled out a bit I started to relive the pass and was dwelling on how to get some closure for me. I really knew that she was going to be there and I wanted to have some conversation with her regarding the why's and how's. However, walking into the dinner, I realized that it was a huge mistake that I really did not think it through all the way. So part of me did not want to disrupt their wedding, the other was I found out that I was not mentally ready to deal with her. This is what really supprised me because I thought my mind was clear and my emotions in check. Apparently not.

 

Total waste of time. Your friend is marrying her best friend, you need to get all of them out of your life or yo will always hear about something fantastic happening in their lives, things you couldn't perhaps afford or have the time to do because of your travels. What did Dr. Dick win, nothing but your leftovers. The world is open to you, enjoy it, the more time you waste on your past with her the longer you will take to get to the magic place. Whenever you start to question your decision just remember who's a$$ her legs were wrapped around in your bed. Get rid of them all friend.

[Uncle Boogie]

Something my fiancee pointed out.

 

If this is the same friend, you walk into that one yourself. When we look at how thorough you were from day one, it is surprising that you would not think your X would be at the rehearsal, since she was part of the wedding party. It is also surprising that you would not think the friend would try the same thing again. Word for word, the situation is identical.

 

Subconsciously, you had to know she would be there. You made a late grand entrance to the party and left quickly. Why?

 

You wanted to see her. You may dispute this, but a man like you could not be this naive.

Your fiancee is spot on. Yep...I knew she would be there and at the wedding, but when my friend invited me to the dinner I thought maybe its time to get some of my questions answered. I thought I was mentally prepared to handle seeing her and dealing with our conversation in a stoic and calm manner. However, that went out the window when I saw her. This really messed my thinking up. What I felt was insane anger and confusion and all I wanted to do was beat them down (yep...Dr. Dick was there). By chance I spilled my water glass and came to my senses. When conversations started to pick up again I made my retreat out the same backdoor that I came in.

 

It really was not a grand entrance, it was more of a stealthy crouched down move to a table in the back. After sitting down, I noticed the silence in the room and the bride, by friend and the ex looking at me. Not one of my better moments with instant regrets.

[Uncle Boogie]

Many read and post for different reasons. While it is true that we iniatally visited the site for the Getting Married section, there is little traffic on that forum. If one doesnt read to learn, then what is the point?

 

In this case, every one gives the thread starter pats on the back and praise for his thorough and decisive actions. But what happens when the lights go out and you are staring at the ceiling? There are many lessons that can be learned in almost every thread, but the last update has a little bit of humanity, that was overlooked. Even thru the most heinous of affairs, love can endure. He had to see her. After all the tough bravado, this man still has love for his X. Love and pain seem to be a inseperable combination.

 

Take our post for what you wish, but for those at the beginning or those at the end, we will borrow your phrase and say warm wishes.

 

We shall bid you adieu

You are right on. My decision process during the end of the marriage was decisive because that is how I have made all the major decisions in my life. Most of the time it works, but sometimes it fails. All in all it has been a positive course of action for me. Once my life settled down a little, I had a lot of questions that were popping up in my head. It usually happened at night when your guard goes down and your brain was time to wonder. I loved my ex with passion I never had for anything else. Her cheating was the most devastating acts that has ever happened to me. It put me in a frame of mind of non tolerance and systematically cutting her out of my life. Even though I would have acted the same way again, I now feel that reaching out for professional help would have been a good course of action. I am doing that now.

 

I appreciate your comments more than you will know. I hope you keep replying to my posts when they come up.

 

Cheers

 

UB

[Uncle Boogie]

Total waste of time. Your friend is marrying her best friend, you need to get all of them out of your life or yo will always hear about something fantastic happening in their lives, things you couldn't perhaps afford or have the time to do because of your travels. What did Dr. Dick win, nothing but your leftovers. The world is open to you, enjoy it, the more time you waste on your past with her the longer you will take to get to the magic place. Whenever you start to question your decision just remember who's a$$ her legs were wrapped around in your bed. Get rid of them all friend.

You are correct. The more time I have to think about it the better this advice sounds. Cut the dead wood and let the tree grow...right? Thanks for the thoughts.

 

UB

[merrmeade]

I have come to the conclusion that I need some professional assistance in this area. This is something I thought I would never do (for some reason)...I don't know why.

I am so proud of you, Uncle B, and how you are picking yourself up again. Once more, you prove yourself to be quite a class act.

 

And that you're allowing yourself to seek professional assistance is the best news of all. Here's how I've always looked at it. Maybe it will help you. -

I think of it as having a conversation with someone I respect who has done the training and has the knowledge to lend insight to my own observations and point out to me my strengths and resources. There's a lot of information you'll get about the people in your life and how you react to them.

 

I've done this twice in my life - once for a couple of years and more recently for 9 months - and each time I came out of it clearer and happier about who I am and what's important to me. You'll be very good at it.

[kgcolonel]

U B

 

One thing that I hope is not already addressed:

 

You stated that Dr. Dick was there as well....so your wife and the bride to be colluded to have you show up using the friend to invite you....was this to rub it in your face that your wife (I am not sure whether or not they were together or not) that in a sense, he has replace your place in the social setting? This is beyond cruel if indeed i am seeing it clearly. Wow....

 

At any rate, if I am incorrect, what was his place at this wedding? I would have thought a remorseful WW would have cut this cancer from her life for all the damage he has cause her....just my way of thinking.

 

thank you for continuing to share your experience with us.

[Uncle Boogie]

U B

 

One thing that I hope is not already addressed:

 

You stated that Dr. Dick was there as well....so your wife and the bride to be colluded to have you show up using the friend to invite you....was this to rub it in your face that your wife (I am not sure whether or not they were together or not) that in a sense, he has replace your place in the social setting? This is beyond cruel if indeed i am seeing it clearly. Wow....

 

At any rate, if I am incorrect, what was his place at this wedding? I would have thought a remorseful WW would have cut this cancer from her life for all the damage he has cause her....just my way of thinking.

 

thank you for continuing to share your experience with us.

Kgcolonel

 

You made a very good point. I don't know if they got their collective minds together to set some sort of trap for some revenge. I guess I wouldn't put it past them. I don't know what the ex's relationship to Dr. Dick is, but if they are together then they deserve each other. Good riddance to the the whole lot of them. It appears my social circle of friends back home is drifting away from me, but if that is the price I have to pay to get myself right, so be it. I just can't get out of my head what a total idiot I was for going to that nightmare. I guess hindsight is always 20/20.

 

My parents anniversary is coming up at the end of December and my ex was always a big part of their celebration. I would not surprise me if the ex tries to weasel in again. I threw this concern to my sister who stated that she would love to get her hands on the B###h and rearrange parts of her anatomy. My sis is the best.

 

UB

[Chaparral]

Did I miss something? You said your friend told you he had unknowingly led you into this tricky situation that was orchestrated by his wife and your ex? My question is why would they do that? Surely they did not plan a scene at someone’s marriage affair. Obviously, your ex wanted you there, why?

[kgcolonel]

Did I miss something? You said your friend told you he had unknowingly led you into this tricky situation that was orchestrated by his wife and your ex? My question is why would they do that? Surely they did not plan a scene at someone’s marriage affair. Obviously, your ex wanted you there, why?

 

Just a speculation, I will bet she is still with Dr. Dick now knowing that Bogie is not coming back.....this is her last stab at Bogie. I also bet that Dr. D may have also pushed her to do this to prove her loyalty to him.....just a thought here.

 

It would be nice to get the answer from Bogie's buddy that put him into this position....

[Be_Strong]

After everything settled out a bit I started to relive the pass and was dwelling on how to get some closure for me. I really knew that she was going to be there and I wanted to have some conversation with her regarding the why's and how's.

 

You absolutely need to resist the temptation to have an after-the-fact debriefing with your ex. Nothing good can come of a conversation with your ex regarding the why’s and how’s of her infidelity. Your goal should be to continually look forward in your life—not drudge up the painful memories of your past and interact with people that should be dead to you. Having that conversation with your ex-wife would set you back six months in your recovery.

 

It really is true that time heals all wounds. Do you know why? All of your feelings stem from your thoughts. If you didn’t think about your ex-wife or the affair, you wouldn’t be experiencing the negative feelings associated with them. Your thoughts are tied to your memories. As your memories fade, so too does the frequency with which you think about those memories. If I could perform a surgery on your mind tonight that removed all memories of your ex and the affair, you would wake up tomorrow morning in the best mood you’ve been in for months.

 

The point is that the healing process requires the fading of those memories and the reduction in the amount of time you think about your ex and the affair. Creating new memories with your wife (especially ones related to the affair) only prolong the healing process. You will never get “closure” with your ex—so put that idea out of your mind. Any attempt will backfire on you.

[aliveagain]

Did I miss something? You said your friend told you he had unknowingly led you into this tricky situation that was orchestrated by his wife and your ex? My question is why would they do that? Surely they did not plan a scene at someone’s marriage affair. Obviously, your ex wanted you there, why?

 

I too question their reason to conspire to get you to attend. If her reason was to attempt to get back together with you she wouldn't have invited O/M to the wedding, she would have come alone. The only thing that makes any kind of sense to me is they intentionally wanted to rub your ex's new life in your face in a spectacular way. Their intent was to cause you embarrassment and hurt, my guess is they didn't give you the option to bring a date on your invitation. Like I said, get rid of them all, they are the ones that look like fools.

[merrmeade]

I too question their reason to conspire to get you to attend. If her reason was to attempt to get back together with you she wouldn't have invited O/M to the wedding, she would have come alone. The only thing that makes any kind of sense to me is they intentionally wanted to rub your ex's new life in your face in a spectacular way. Their intent was to cause you embarrassment and hurt, my guess is they didn't give you the option to bring a date on your invitation. Like I said, get rid of them all, they are the ones that look like fools.

My god, this just makes my heart lose all hope again. What reason do they have for wanting to hurt again someone they already tried but failed to destroy?

 

I never understood why my husband's OW treated me so badly either and was very messed up by it. Is that what they're trying to do? Is it that the BS found them out and exposed them that they feel justified in wreaking more havoc. It defies understanding and decency. I really don't get it.

[Cephalopod]

Kgcolonel

 

You made a very good point. I don't know if they got their collective minds together to set some sort of trap for some revenge. I guess I wouldn't put it past them. I don't know what the ex's relationship to Dr. Dick is, but if they are together then they deserve each other. Good riddance to the the whole lot of them. It appears my social circle of friends back home is drifting away from me, but if that is the price I have to pay to get myself right, so be it. I just can't get out of my head what a total idiot I was for going to that nightmare. I guess hindsight is always 20/20.

 

My parents anniversary is coming up at the end of December and my ex was always a big part of their celebration. I would not surprise me if the ex tries to weasel in again. I threw this concern to my sister who stated that she would love to get her hands on the B###h and rearrange parts of her anatomy. My sis is the best.

 

UB

 

 

Let me tell ya something: friends are replaceable. Wives are replaceable. When you have a person or people in your life who are liabilities rather than assets to you and your peace of mind, it is time to disassociate yourself from them...forever.

 

 

I cleaned house on my life after I split from my former WW. I immediately dumped every common friend we shared, and you know what? It didn't affect my life one iota. I made new friends and reestablished friendships that I had allowed to languish due to wanting to appease my ex. I will never make that mistake again. I had to go cap-in-hand to many an old friend who I had shunned because my exWW didn't like him. The reason she didn't like them, I realized later, was because they were honest, decent, moral people like myself.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Hey man, coming from one guy who's wife had an affair with a doctor to another - enjoy starting your life over and having a fantastic time doing so. No kids = clean break city. It's a **** sandwich at the beginning, but trust me, the sooner you begin moving forward you'll be too busy living your life to worry about hers. If she's still with the Doc, that's a road that's going to lead to a dead end. They might be all smiles on the outside, but in my opinion a person in that kind of position that has an affair with a married woman - they don't change and have no morals. They're very good at rotating different women in and out of their lives.

 

Best of luck with everything! Put the right people around you, have a good support system and you'll be all good.

[Uncle Boogie]

Update:

 

So...throughout this whole ordeal with the ex, I believed I always took the higher ground...you know...be the better man. Well, last week my ex sent me a letter approximately 11 pages long, front and back. It was the usual tripe regarding you are the love of my life...I made a huge mistake...I want you back, the basic "I screwed up, take me back B.S." I read it all and just got pissed off. So I took the low road and responded back to her. Actually, what I did was correct her spelling and sentence structure with a red pen and sent it back as is. Well...the ex was somewhat homicidal over this and expressed her outrage to my sis while at work. My sis looked at the letter and stated..."I see what you mean...you misspelled this word as well". Did I mention I love my sis. So as my sis was relating this shenanigans to me over the phone she also mentioned several weeks ago there was a rumor that Dr. Dick was spreading his love to another nurse at a neighboring hospital. She said that there must me some validity to the rumor because the good Dr. came to work one day like he pissed off Mike Tyson. Black eyes, red checks the whole nine yards. He stated that he was in a accident over the weekend which I guess his face accidentally got in the way of someones fist, repeatedly. My sis stated that the ex looks like she just lost her will to live. What a shame. Anyway, my ex has been on leave from her job. I wonder if this prompted the voluminous letter writing.

 

I also had my sis relay to my ex regarding our personal property. I took everything that reminded my of her, put them into several boxes and threw them into a storage unit. Items like my wedding ring, pictures, letters and the 1964 Triumph TR 4 which her father gave to me as a wedding present. I spent several years restoring the car, but after she cheated, I could no longer look at it and especially drive it. My sis gave her the keys and location of the locker and told her that she needed to get everything out by the end of the month. My sis told her that everything in the locker is hers to do with what she wanted, and when the ex asked what was in the locker, my sis stated everything above. When she mentioned the TR 4 she said it looked like my ex's spirit completely broke.

 

Now...I can't lie and say that I did not enjoy hearing this, but after several hours of thinking about what she has and is going through, I felt sorry for her. I mean, we were a very close couple who had dreams and goals for a lot of years, unfortunately she threw that future away. Maybe this is the first step of forgiving her for what she did to us. Who knows. My sis did mention that she overheard my ex talking about flying over to surprise me with the hopes of a one on one meet up. Unfortunately she knows where I live. My sis said she will try to give me a heads up if she hears anything. I could call her but I am steadfastly NC with her, and I will remain so.

 

Anyway...I guess this S##t show is not done yet.

 

UB

[Cullenbohannon]

You are certifiably insane.

 

GO GET THAT CAR BACK!!

 

I understand why, but jeez, that's a big give.

Edited December 15, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[usa1ah]

So Dr Dick found someone else and has dropped the ex?

 

This happens most of the time. Poor little ex has seen the light only because she has been dumped.

 

I agree with you on the forgiveness part, that is always a good thing. Just never forget what she did.

[Jdoublenn]

You are certifiably insane.

 

GO GET THAT CAR BACK!!

 

I understand why, but jeez, that's a big give.

Or sell it? heh

[BetrayedH]

Remember that the opposite of love is not hate. If you hate her enough to do spiteful things, you’re still emotionally connected. It’s understandable (trust me, I still have anger with my ex from time to time) but the goal should probably look something more like indifference.

 

You‘ve done great at taking actions to move on with your life. See if you can get your head there, too.

[WilyWill]

The car is marital property. Let her have it, but she must pay you for half of it in the divorce settlement.

[stillafool]

It sounds like your ex wife can't be without a man. Now that the doc is interested in another woman your wife is chafing to get back with you. She just cannot be without a man. Good you're forgiving her as that will help with your healing.