Investigation: The begining of the end?

[Uncle Boogie]

First, let's not dignify dick by acknowledging his professional certification. It's inconsequential and hides the fact that he's a certified dick. He's just TD the dick to me. Just had to get that out.

 

Mr. Boogie:

 

Love the way you handled matters. I read stories on here and can't even finish reading them sometimes, as I read guys on their hands and knees asking for a CHANCE of reconciliation when it should be the other way around. I understand being in love, but one should love themselves first and foremost, and regaining dignity and respect for one's self is the first step for doing so. This is a non-negotiable reality.

 

Anyway, you may or may not have an answer concerning this, but I'm puzzled why your x wife hadn't kicked the dick to the curb. The FIRST order of business for a WS when seeking to reconcile is the immediate and complete removal of the AP. She hasn't demonstrated one meaningful step towards achieving her goal aside from begging and pleading. Remorse entails among other things, complete ownership of the betrayal and communicating a complete understanding of the damage she has caused from your perspective.

 

She hasn't taken any steps to complete remove the dick from her life. In fact, he seems to be present nearly every time you see her, even if social events. Every time he's even in the same location that she is, she's supposed to not be there. PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

When he hid in the car and another time when she expressed (we, will come after your legally), I'm thinking, she's still on his side. We?????? WTF are you saying? Do you hear yourself? Stupid!!!

 

It was all about her, as she never sought independent counseling if I read this thread correctly. If sincere, she would have spent time seeking legitimate ways of reclaiming your trust in her. Regardless of the fact that would't be possible, for her sake she still should have fixed herself first and foremost.

 

Unrelated question: She knew you were a former cop and in the security business. Her intellect was either turned off, or she didn't have it in the first place. I'm just surprised she wasn't smart enough to contemplate the fact that your background and resources would require her to take smarter, more deceptive strategies to pull of her clandestine activities. To me, it subconsciously revealed the significance of her waywardness and respect for you. It's one thing to love a person, but that doesn't mean you respect them necessarily. The respect HAS to come with the love in a marital relationship. It's a prerequisite IMO.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write. Since I was around 15, I have always dealt with significant issues in my life in a very direct approach. As I stated earlier, sometimes it comes out sometimes it doesn't. Even when the outcome is not what I wanted, I always comforted myself with the knowledge that I stuck to my guns and can look back at the situation without much regret.

 

Regarding my past work, my ex was never really interested in what I did day to day. She would talk non stop regarding her job, but never gave the same consideration when it came to mine. After a time i just didn't bring it up. I bet she wished she paid better attention to what all I could do but when you are a narcissist cheater, thinking of others is not a top priority.

[Uncle Boogie]

At what point do you say F it, she isn't a person I want in my life. Believe it or not it's a powerful statement to make to yourself. Trying to figure out small details of who did what and what were Thier intention only serve to keep you stuck.

 

You are very wise. I agree to your statement completely. Dwelling on the "what if's" can only keep you in the pit of cheating despair.

[Uncle Boogie]

I can be super brash. What a crappy situation. I post when I care but my care can be brutal.

 

Not psychopath...confused people do confusing things. Don't try to make sense of it because it doesn't matter.

 

I would chalk the wedding behavior up to your wife being really horrible at monkey branching.

 

Good luck to you Uncle Boogie, the walk up the mountain, it's worth it.

 

Best.

 

Right on, Sister. Truer words were never spoken.

[Cullenbohannon]

I don't have to imaging them sleeping in my bed on my sheets. I have wide angle full HD color with sound to screw with my head. You know...I thought she had a brain but now I just don't know.

 

It's time to delete that garbage. Unscrew your head. Let the steam out, then screw it back on tight.

[Mr Blunt]

Uncle Boogie

What your wife did to you is about as despicable as you can get… it is almost impossible to not have her in your thoughts in the first year. However, I would encourage you to FORCE yourself to get her immediately out of your mind when those thoughts come. Use the emotional damage that she has done to you to motivate you to keep building yourself up in every way. You POS ex-wife is now divorced and out of your life. You know that intellectually now get your emotions to match your mind. Keeping your ex-wife in your life in any way will only prevent you from becoming much happier. You have the ability to make your future much better!

 

 

 

 

Utilize every source that you can and if this forum helps you to build yourself up then we love hearing from you and responding to you. You seem like a person that will go forward and heal from your wounded emotions in the years to come. You are in your first year so do not feel bad that you still let her get under your skin; just keep pushing her out. My guess is that you will heal enough in 2018 so that you will not post here much. I hope you will give us an update next Christmas so that we can get encouraged by your progress. Deal?

[Colin Grant]

It's just me talking here, but the statements below are two of the more profound ones I've read from your posts.

 

my ex was never really interested in what I did day to day.

She would talk non stop regarding her job, but never gave the same consideration when it came to mine

 

I'm not surprised at what happened now. You two didn't even have any kids to consume her thoughts. She should have been ALL OVER your career in a caring and nurturing way. Boogie, PLEASE, PLEASE, not only don't look back, but more importantly do not look at ANYONE like her moving forward. You're a big time catch, please act like it.

 

If someone isn't interested in what you do day-to-day, how deep can the love be. Part of loving, both giving and receiving is being intimately aware of each other's lives, and this includes careers. It is ESSENTIAL for her (and you) to understand the factors that dictate your emotional state so that she (and you for her) can accurately support where and when needed.

 

My wife is a management consultant for a company that support the Federal government. Specifically as a financial management consultant. I cannot specifically describe what she does, but damned if I'm not trying like hell to do so. I know enough however to be able to listen intently to her challenges and offer genuine, applicable advice, and not in a cheer-leading type way.

 

Not one of the, "Oh honey, you can do it" deals. It's more to the affect of, "Okay, who are the players involved and what's their stake in the matter? What' their background, age, professional experience, rank, etc.? What's their motive, and who are they talking to during break? I'm pretty good at reading people and my wife is less experienced here. Not to get in the weeds on this subject, but spouses can and perhaps should be confidants. It offers emotional intimate discussions that separate you from everyone else.

 

You can pick this up when dating pretty easily.

[Cephalopod]

Your response really hit home with me. The car is just a car. I too have had friends that I lost touch with due to the ex not liking them for one reason or another. Maybe you can throw your karma cap my way when I make the "forgive me tour" to my old friends.

 

 

 

I will. Just tell them your story, and offer a heartfelt apology. Most guys are understanding of this kind of stuff. They will take you back.

[stillafool]

It might help to tell your friends and relatives to not tell you anything about what is going on in your ex wife's life. The goal is to keep her out of your mind.

[Uncle Boogie]

Just to affirm that Karma can come back and bite you on the A$$, my sister called me to give me some information. Apparently the accident Dr. Dick stated he was in, but everyone thought it was a beat down, turns out to truly be a beating. Apparently, the good Dr. was caught with the wife of a man who took exception and dispensed a good old case of whoop ass. The real interesting part is the woman is a friend of the ex, if fact, does the same job but in a different hospital within the city. As the story goes, Dr. Dick has privileges at both hospitals and apparently has privileges with several female employees as well. To continue...the woman and the Dr. went to the woman's home and decided to get entangled with each other in the car which they parked in the garage. The husband (who I have met several times socially due to the wives work) was home from work early and heard a commotion within the garage. When inside he saw his wife and the good Dr. in a very compromising position. Now the husband who I will call JR (because that is his name) works on a line crew with the railroad. He is as tall as me (6'3) and is wide as tall. He is shaped like a brick of muscles. So my sis tells me that he pulled the Dr. out of the car (she didn't know if he opened the car door or pulled him out of the side window) but he proceeded to smack the good Dr. around quite a bit. Unfortunately, this was done outside the garage in the front lawn of the house and was seen by a local police officer. JR was approached by the cop and gave up without any resistance, and off to the cooler for him. The good Dr was dazed and taken to the hospital. Anyway...apparently Dr. Dick has refused to charge JR and that is all my sister knew. If there are charges later against JR, I will cut him a check for half of his legal costs, just because...he is the man.

 

How did this incident affect the ex. My sister stated that the ex told her that she was done with the jerk, and her life is now totally broken. My sis said that she has never seen the ex so despondent and out of control. Which brings me to the real reason my sister called me. Apparently my ex is contacting my parents trying to use them to contact me. Being the nice people that they are, my parents kindly tell her that it is not their business and she needs to accept her circumstances and move of with her life. However, she is consistently calling them. I am afraid that I am going to have to take the bull by the horns and visit her when I fly back for the holidays. She needs to cease and desist this behavior now and I don't know any other way but to have a sit down conversation with her. I do have some topics to discuss in my head but I am hoping you good people could give me your thoughts on this matter.

 

Anyway...the nightmare continues.

[Uncle Boogie]

It might help to tell your friends and relatives to not tell you anything about what is going on in your ex wife's life. The goal is to keep her out of your mind.

Thanks for the reply, but too late. Please direct your attention to the nightmare vine listed below.

[merrmeade]

So I wrote a whole dissertation, including admonitions for not taking this up in therapy, on the two options here—write her a no-contact letter or get back together. Then it dawned on me. The new development with big, strong JR thrashing Dick in the yard. Have we been had? If so, it was a good run and may be the start of a screen-writing career. If not, my apologies and no disrespect intended. If you can drop the strong-guy nonsense, there's nothing wrong with reconciling because, in a face-to-face between the love of your life clamoring for forgiveness and Boogie trying to resist, I'm 100% betting on the ex. No shame if that happens either.

[Uncle Boogie]

So I wrote a whole dissertation, including admonitions for not taking this up in therapy, on the two options here—write her a no-contact letter or get back together. Then it dawned on me. The new development with big, strong JR thrashing Dick in the yard. Have we been had? If so, it was a good run and may be the start of a screen-writing career. If not, my apologies and no disrespect intended. If you can drop the strong-guy nonsense, there's nothing wrong with reconciling because, in a face-to-face between the love of your life clamoring for forgiveness and Boogie trying to resist, I'm 100% betting on the ex. No shame if that happens either.

Merrmeade

 

I am sitting in the airport waiting for my flight and I just read your post. Unfortunately I am not this creative of a story teller to have a "screen-writing career". I just thought people would have an interest on what my sister relayed to my over her phone call. I tried to express her dramatic flair when she was describing the events. She can be very expressive when retelling a story. I guess I should have toned it down to a less dramatic explanation of the situation with the Dr. I truly apologize for any confusion I may have created. Unfortunately, the situation did occur with the new woman, the husband did react to catching them and my ex's current life appears to be accurate, according to my sister.

 

You say I have a strong guy approach to my situation. Maybe you are correct. This is the way I deal with tragedy in my life. I come across like I am in control, maybe a little too strong willed but this is the way I cope with I deal with issues of this sort. I have read all the posts people sent me and I am appreciative of each one. There are a lot of experiences out there that people have had that I applied to my situation. To me, reconciliation is not an option because I just cannot do it, but my ex's current course of action with my family needs to be dealt with. Since it is my problem, it is up to me to handle it. I guess I am asking the group, given there is no choice to reconcile, how can I tell her to move on.

 

Finally, this whole event has been extremely hard for me to deal with. But I am dealing with it the best I can and the only way I know how. I hope people can appreciate it and help me with constructive opinions.

 

UB

[WilyWill]

Get a no-contact order for your parents so that they don't have to be subjected to her nonsense.

[Be_Strong]

She needs to cease and desist this behavior now and I don't know any other way but to have a sit down conversation with her. .....Anyway...the nightmare continues.

 

Really? You don’t know any other way to stop her behavior other than meeting with her?? You are playing right into her hands and encouraging her to continue with the craziness. She is purposefully acting out in order to get your attention. She desperately wants to sit down and talk to you. If you do meet with her, you’ll have proven that the best way to get your attention is to act crazy and bother your family until you show up to make it stop.

 

Your parents are adults and can handle themselves. If they get tired of her harassing them, they can call the police.

 

It seems to me that you won’t admit it to yourself, but you miss her and want to see her. In your mind you’ve convinced yourself that you are only meeting with her to protect your family and put a stop to her behavior, but that is a self-delusion constructed to protect your dignity.

 

Your nightmare is continuing only because you are allowing it to. Unlike a lot of guys here, you had an incredible opportunity for a clean break and fresh start. You did great getting divorced, you had no kids together, and you started a new job in a different country. But you can’t help yourself to constantly check in on what your ex is doing. I’m sure if you tell your family that in order for you to heal and move on you do not want to hear anything at all about your ex, your family will go to bat for you and completely insulate you from all-things-ex.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I'm going the other way on this..

 

Your divorced and she can't hurt you anymore. If you really want to have her in your life, you just have to accept that she will always hound you to take her back and make her a wifey yet again. You could try for the FWB thing. But I don't think that will take. She will try to trap you with a kid or otherwise. Just be careful. Actions always have consequences.

[Be_Strong]

BarbedFenceRider, he saw his ex in an HD video having sex on his bed with the OM. So, I think the FWB idea is a no-go. There’s no way to not have that memory play out the second he starts having sex with his ex.

[stillafool]

I think it is also a ego boost to have his wife chasing after him and hearing that she is struggling. There's no good reason to meet with her face to face.

[BTDT2012]

Tell your parents to send her a cease and desist letter, preferably from an attorney.

[Cephalopod]

Don't meet with your ex. Ignore mermeade... be as tough-guy as you want. It is refreshing to see a man stand up for himself and show self respect.

 

 

You owe your ex nothing. She's a creep and a user and deserves what she gets.

[GoldenR]

So I wrote a whole dissertation, including admonitions for not taking this up in therapy, on the two options here—write her a no-contact letter or get back together. Then it dawned on me. The new development with big, strong JR thrashing Dick in the yard. Have we been had?

 

:laugh:

[Grapesofwrath]

Boogie: I've read the entire thread to this point. You are getting a lot of good advice here, and I would add my voice to the chorus of going no contact and meaning it. Your family does not need to update you on anything, and they won't if you ask them not to. There is nothing to salvage here. You will not get "closure" by spending time with your abuser. You will only invite further pain.

 

One additional thought: Google PTSD. Being betrayed in such a brutal and vivid fashion can cause PTSD. Symptoms can be overwhelming. It would help to talk to a counselor, especially if you are struggling with intrusive thoughts, feeling that no one can be trusted, avoiding people or situations that trigger memories of the trauma.

[aliveagain]

Since you are now divorced from her and all her family she has no further claim or special friendship status with any of your family. If her continued attempts to contact them becomes too annoying simply have them file a restraining order against her. I can tell you first hand Uncle Boogie that as painful and stressful the whole experience was for me at the time(absolutely the worst thing I have ever gone through) years later I can't even attempt to try and recreate that pain. It is gone, she is gone and she has become just another face in the crowd. Time, independent counselling and more time made all the pain go away. I have never forgotten what she has put me through but I have to think about it first because it's no longer part of who I am. Has it made me more cautious about relationships, absolutely but it won't stop me from having one. It is hard to explain to someone just going through infidelity that they will be alright, but that is the truth, you still have to take steps to get yourself to the other side. It's up to each individual as to how long it takes them to get there.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Since you are now divorced from her and all her family she has no further claim or special friendship status with any of your family. If her continued attempts to contact them becomes too annoying simply have them file a restraining order against her. I can tell you first hand Uncle Boogie that as painful and stressful the whole experience was for me at the time(absolutely the worst thing I have ever gone through) years later I can't even attempt to try and recreate that pain. It is gone, she is gone and she has become just another face in the crowd. Time, independent counselling and more time made all the pain go away. I have never forgotten what she has put me through but I have to think about it first because it's no longer part of who I am. Has it made me more cautious about relationships, absolutely but it won't stop me from having one. It is hard to explain to someone just going through infidelity that they will be alright, but that is the truth, you still have to take steps to get yourself to the other side. It's up to each individual as to how long it takes them to get there.

 

 

yep...and how much drama and attention you need in your life

 

this saga was over long ago... What else is there to dissect?

 

If reconciliation was in the mix I could understand ...but this whole story was cut and dried

[DKT3]

yep...and how much drama and attention you need in your life

 

this saga was over long ago... What else is there to dissect?

 

If reconciliation was in the mix I could understand ...but this whole story was cut and dried

 

I read an article once that suggested that a small percentage of people (mostly females) actually thrive on drama created by infidelity. It seems to me that in a small part at least that UB is enjoying this. I mean, it's over and he keeps allowing her to creep back in.

 

I can understand wanting some answers, but she isn't being honest.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I read an article once that suggested that a small percentage of people (mostly females) actually thrive on drama created by infidelity. It seems to me that in a small part at least that UB is enjoying this. I mean, it's over and he keeps allowing her to creep back in.

 

I can understand wanting some answers, but she isn't being honest.

 

why does he care?

 

If you caught your wife....and proceeded to divorce...no matter what

 

why does anything else matter? It is over...done...kaput

 

so why would you continue the drama and saga?

 

The relationship is over...divorced...done

thread should also be done...no more drama...move on...happy life without cheating wife

 

Chump lady says....leave a cheater...gain a life