Investigation: The begining of the end?

[deadsoul]

Hi UB

 

I think you handled this all in a great way and I believe your story would help others.

 

I'm glad you didn't go "nuclear" on them as it would've had consequences for you and it sounds like life is delivering consequences to them just fine.

 

You didn't ask for advice, but make sure you allow yourself to grieve. It's okay to feel sad, miss her and think about her. It doesn't mean you want her back, you're human and trying to cope the best you can. Other than that, keep going!!

[Mr Blunt]

UB, your wife’s actions and thinking seem to be disconnected from normality (her actions and wanting you to be friends with Mr. Dick, etc.)……Was your wife always dingy or just in this episode with betrayal….

 

I understand the fog but what has been her thinking and characteristics during your years with her?

[road]

Both got fired? The rare case where justice was served and the BS learned

about it without having to bear first hand consequences too. WXW left cut off from emotional and financial support.

 

I loved your sister's messages.

 

One

Last thought. Your goal now is indifference to ex wife. The less you think about her the happier you will be.

 

How did I miss that?

 

Also did the OMW find out why her WH got fired?

[ladydesigner]

Uncle Boogie this was one of the best endings to a disaster that I have read on this site! You handled your situation with class, integrity, and strength. You did what I wish I would have done on D-day. I handled the entire thing the wrong way! You deserve a standing ovation for what you were put through. Best of luck to you and I hope your future is filled with peace love and happiness.

[harrybrown]

If she wanted her marriage so bad, why did she still have contact with Dr.

Dick?

 

she never stopped her A.

 

Crazy. I guess she did not want the marriage that bad to start behaving like a wife.

[Uncle Boogie]

So cute.

 

And as for Dr. Boogie, you've earned a PhD from LS and a lot of admirers. Your wife really blew it losing you to that quack. This will forever be one of my favorite threads for the OP's strength of character and clarity that never wavered. Also it's like a textbook of behavior patterns, the ones we talk about on this forum anyway. Though I'm deeply sorry for your pain and suffering, you now have many well-wishers cheering you on.

 

I appreciate your thoughts. Never having to go through such an ordeal, I just followed my gut feeling and stuck to me guns. The most important action I think helped me was to not react to such devastating events too quickly, step back and evaluate the situation the best you can. I think for most people it would be to talk to a friend or relative that they feel comfortable with to get a game plan together. This may mean reconciliation or divorce, but do not react too quickly. I feel quick confrontation allows the other person to use too many escape routes and try to blame the one cheated on that it is their fault. I have learned through out my life and career and the more information you have at your fingerprints, the more power or control you have over the situation. To all the psychologist's and therapists out there who are rolling their eyes calling me a neophyte...well...I am and I am just doing the best I can.

 

I have to admit, it was a lot harder to deal with than what I wrote. However, what I wrote was the course of action I followed after much thought and discussion with good friends. I will admit that when I felt the weakness creeping back, I just turned on the video tape and those feelings just went away...go figure. Since the divorce is done and I look back on the history of the deception, I feel no regrets to my actions. I feel I came out of it with my dignity and honor and gained a new perspective on who I am and where I want to go.

 

So to all who are going through this Hell, let me tell you to always think about yourself first...keep your dignity...and don't fall into trap that it is your fault. So...stay strong and years after your situation has been resolved, it is my hope that you will feel you stayed true to yourself and whatever the outcome, you feel peace in your sole.

 

Thanks to all and I am signing out.

 

Uncle Boogie.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Uncle Boogie well done sir. You really kept your nerve. Have a good life.

[Bufo]

Hold off on any decision. Hmmmm.... might that philosophy apply to a potential occasional return by you to share your methods and success with those who will be following in your footsteps? You have a lot to offer those poor unfortunates.

 

Think about it

[Mr Blunt]

By Uncle Boogie

Since the divorce is done and I look back on the history of the deception, I feel no regrets to my actions. I feel I came out of it with my dignity and honor and gained a new perspective on who I am and where I want to go.

 

So to all who are going through this Hell, let me tell you to always think about yourself first...keep your dignity...and don't fall into trap that it is your fault. So...stay strong and years after your situation has been resolved, it is my hope that you will feel you stayed true to yourself and whatever the outcome, you feel peace in your sole

 

Very good advice and very encourging for those that D is the best answer!

[merrmeade]

So to all who are going through this Hell, let me tell you to always think about yourself first...keep your dignity...and don't fall into trap that it is your fault. So...stay strong and years after your situation has been resolved, it is my hope that you will feel you stayed true to yourself and whatever the outcome, you feel peace in your sole.

 

Thanks to all and I am signing out.

 

Uncle Boogie.

Most wise. If there were ever a piece of advice that all by itself answers every question, decision, question, dilemma or indecisiveness for the BS, it's this

(In bold).

[painfullyobvious]

Question:

 

I have questions whether my wife is cheating on our marriage. In your opinion, is investigating if she is cheating on me the start of the end of the marriage? Does the fact that I have doubts about our relationship hold any hope of getting back to total trust? I feel that once the investigation starts, my marriage will never be the same, no matter if the investigation proves true or not. Am I way off base with my feelings? Anyway...I have enough doubt with her actions that I need to find out what is going on. Just a little perplexed on how my future reactions to her will be.

 

I remember when I was going through my "snooping phase" and I recall thinking as you are postulating, is this already the end? The trust is gone because I feel something is wrong and am looking for confirmation and was not getting it from her. I was considered paranoid for a few months until I found out what I was looking for.

 

I am not sure that the marriage is over but it is definitely in trouble as soon as a person goes looking for the truth as a result of not trusting their partner. Often, a suspicion or gut feeling leads to what a person is fearful of. The truth....

[Uncle Boogie]

Some what of an update:

 

My sis called me the other day and I thought I would pass along the information she gave me regarding Dr. Dick's dismissal from the hospital. Apparently he was writing scripts for oxycotin and other drugs in the morphine family for patients that were never patients in the hospital. Apparently, the increase overdoses on these types of medications causes the hospital to perform continuous inventories. This is what caught him. She also mentioned that there were most likely several other personnel incidents in the past that pushed management over the edge and cut him loose.

 

Now...I did not see any change in my wife's behavior during the time she was messing around with him, and being in law enforcement I have been trained in narcotic behavior identification. I don't believe that she was using, but I don't really know. I thought she was fired as well, but she just received some time off for the her indiscretion with the drug pedaling doctor. I don't know if they are together or not, but she still tries to get a hold of me from time to time.

 

A question for the group: Do I call her to find out her involvement with the drugs or not? Do you think it should make a difference if she was on them during the affair and off them now? My thinking is the act of having sex with this guy in my bed outweighs anything she might have done while incapacitated. I am chilling in my new job in a great country and have been dating quite a lot, however, I get this visceral feeling that a relationship might evolve which sends me running. I get angry with myself feeling this way, but if I feel this way it must be for a reason.

 

This just continues on and on and on....

[Marc878]

Stay completely dark. She's not your circus now.

 

Time will fix the rest.

[Uncle Boogie]

Stay completely dark. She's not your circus now.

 

Time will fix the rest.

 

Right on Marc. Sound advice that I will follow. Thanks.

[aliveagain]

Remember her words, "no one ever made her feel this way," said in your bed during one of her porn star sessions with doctor dick. She lost everyone's respect and the only thing that will nullify such despicable behavior is you taking her back. The hard work is done, don't bring drama back into your world, enjoy your new unburdened life. Your free, so many are too afraid to pull the plug on a bad situation and stay in relationships that suck the souls out of them. You can write your own future, embrace this opportunity. Don't respond to her.

[harrybrown]

Glad that you got yourself out of infidelity!

 

Hope you find some happiness.

 

Your sister can tell you anything you want to know, and allow you to stay dark.

 

But NC helps you so much more than continued contact with someone with no morals..

[road]

Some what of an update:

 

My sis called me the other day and I thought I would pass along the information she gave me regarding Dr. Dick's dismissal from the hospital. Apparently he was writing scripts for oxycotin and other drugs in the morphine family for patients that were never patients in the hospital. Apparently, the increase overdoses on these types of medications causes the hospital to perform continuous inventories. This is what caught him. She also mentioned that there were most likely several other personnel incidents in the past that pushed management over the edge and cut him loose.

 

Now...I did not see any change in my wife's behavior during the time she was messing around with him, and being in law enforcement I have been trained in narcotic behavior identification. I don't believe that she was using, but I don't really know. I thought she was fired as well, but she just received some time off for the her indiscretion with the drug pedaling doctor. I don't know if they are together or not, but she still tries to get a hold of me from time to time.

 

A question for the group: Do I call her to find out her involvement with the drugs or not? Do you think it should make a difference if she was on them during the affair and off them now? My thinking is the act of having sex with this guy in my bed outweighs anything she might have done while incapacitated. I am chilling in my new job in a great country and have been dating quite a lot, however, I get this visceral feeling that a relationship might evolve which sends me running. I get angry with myself feeling this way, but if I feel this way it must be for a reason.

 

This just continues on and on and on....

 

On June 12th you had your D day.

On October 12th, 4 months later, here you are divorced.

 

It is always advised after a traumatic event to wait 6

months before making any life changing decisions.

For one's mind needs to process what has happened.

 

Combine that with usual to doubt the decisions that

were made.

 

Maybe your ex WW's behavior was due in part to the Dr

getting her on drugs combined with his skill as a

predatory OM that constantly seeks MW to conquer.

 

Though your ex WW's behavior has shown that she can

not work any job that has night shifts or travel that

requires her to spend nights away from the house.

[OatsAndHall]

 

A question for the group: Do I call her to find out her involvement with the drugs or not? Do you think it should make a difference if she was on them during the affair and off them now? My thinking is the act of having sex with this guy in my bed outweighs anything she might have done while incapacitated. I am chilling in my new job in a great country and have been dating quite a lot, however, I get this visceral feeling that a relationship might evolve which sends me running. I get angry with myself feeling this way, but if I feel this way it must be for a reason.

 

This just continues on and on and on....

 

I would just let sleeping dogs lie on this one, my friend. It's time for things to just be done and over with.

 

I never bothered trying to "prove" my wife was cheating on me but the signs were all there, her behavior was unacceptable and caused me to lose trust in her. We split and and I lost any shred of trust I had in her during our separation. That was enough for me to say "enough is enough".

 

About a month after the divorce was filed, I got some disturbing "news" about her involving potential methamphetamine and cocaine abuse while we were married. A friend gave me information regarding the situation and some of it included timelines... I sat back and thought about all of it and realized that there was the very real possibility that she was using while we were married. I didn't recognize it at the time for a number of reasons.

 

My close friends and family weren't happy about the way I was handling the divorce as they wanted me to battle it out in court with her versus just agreeing to a settlement that was really only benefited her. The drug abuse allegations just added fuel to that fire but I took a step back and decided that I just needed to keep distancing myself from her. There wasn't much to be gained by doing anything other than what I was doing so I just ignored it and moved on.

[merrmeade]

I think you're asking yourself whether you should consider forgiving the infidelity if it was actually the drugs that influenced her poor judgment.

 

For me, with what I know now, it's too tricky. I wouldn't trust myself to make an objective decision and would ask a professional.

[GoldenR]

On June 12th you had your D day.

On October 12th, 4 months later, here you are divorced.

 

Crazy, right?

 

He was also hired by a very large European company as head of internal security.

 

And the OM Dr just recently got fired bc he was stealing oxy and selling it!

 

Incredible!

Edited October 13, 2017 by GoldenR

[Uncle Boogie]

Crazy, right?

 

He was also hired by a very large European company as head of internal security.

 

And the OM Dr just recently got fired bc he was stealing oxy and selling it!

 

Incredible!

GoldenR

 

Does seem fast. However, I was working on the new job position six months before I found out she was cheating. I was not very detailed since I thought it was not germane to the current discussion. The divorce went fast because she knows me and when I make up my mind it is usually set in stone. Some have called me non flexible but it is a policy that I have used most of my adult life and has served me well. So since she didn't contest anything, the mediation went fast and was done quickly. I also have a very good attorney. My head was spinning with how fast everything fell into place, but it is what it is.

[Uncle Boogie]

Crazy, right?

 

He was also hired by a very large European company as head of internal security.

 

"And the OM Dr just recently got fired bc he was stealing oxy and selling it!"

 

Incredible!

 

 

Actually, all I was told was that he was writing scripts for patients who did not actually exist. I don't know if he was selling them or not. In my experience he probably used for personal use and sold some, but realistically, I don't really give a S**t.

[BetrayedH]

Actually, all I was told was that he was writing scripts for patients who did not actually exist. I don't know if he was selling them or not. In my experience he probably used for personal use and sold some, but realistically, I don't really give a S**t.

 

Forgive my short story...

 

I’ve dealt with chronic back & neck pain my whole life. I was once prescribed with oxy for a tooth extraction. The tooth pain only lasted about a day but I quickly found that the oxy relieved ALL of my pain. I went thru that whole script and a refill as it was so...relieving. Fortunately I didn’t have access to more scripts or I probably would have been on my way to addiction.

 

In my experience, if she had been taking so many that she wouldn’t have known what she was doing, then you would have known it. I was on the brink but certainly fully aware of what I was doing. If she was beyond that to the point of no longer being responsible for her actions, you’d have known there was an addiction problem going on. Don’t be tempted to excuse her behavior as if she was under the influence.

 

On a completely separate note, this whole thing is obviously still affecting you. Marc is right that time will clean much of this up for you. I once came here one year post-divorce complaining that I was still impacted. Another veteran poster told me that one year was too soon to expect normalcy and to expect it to be more like 2 years. To be brief, he was right. At two years I was much more looking at the whole ordeal in hindsight rather than it feeling current. Give yourself some time.

[Just a Guy]

Hi BetrayedH, while you may be right about UB knowing if his wife was an addict or not, I would bring up BluesPower's case where his wife was an addict for 20 years and he did not latch on. Maybe some people are good at hiding things like this. Whichever way you look at this I would think UB has done very well considering the nastiness of his situation. More power to him!

[deadsoul]

Some what of an update:

 

 

 

A question for the group: Do I call her to find out her involvement with the drugs or not? Do you think it should make a difference if she was on them during the affair and off them now? My thinking is the act of having sex with this guy in my bed outweighs anything she might have done while incapacitated. I am chilling in my new job in a great country and have been dating quite a lot, however, I get this visceral feeling that a relationship might evolve which sends me running. I get angry with myself feeling this way, but if I feel this way it must be for a reason.

 

This just continues on and on and on....

 

Does this information of whether she was involved or not change the outcome? Are you looking for reasons for why she did what she did? I honestly don't believe anything she tells you will help you. My personal opinion is that when you were in the "finding out-separating-divorcing" stage, you were a bit on "auto-pilot" which made you appear to be cold and methodical. In truth, it was how you were able to cope with everything. I've hinted to you that the emotional side of this might hit you later and I still want you to be prepared for that. Allow yourself to grieve and feel it. It will hurt a lot, but you have to go through that to get to the other side. Continue to date, but you may not want to get serious with anyone at this point and that's okay.

 

In other words, what you're feeling is okay. Allow it. Don't act on it though.