Investigation: The begining of the end?

[road]

I don't think your friend is as big of an ass (to you) as some others do. He called to let you know your ex was in the bridal party. With that info you had to figure she would be at the rehearsal dinner. He took it in stride when you bowed out of the dinner and the wedding. So I don't see the problem between him and you. His wife and him is a whole different matter.

 

I agree. Knowing the importance of NC you declined to be in

the wedding party. Your slip up was letting him get you to break

NC with the XWW.

 

No big deal because usual for a BS to err and break NC at least

once. You saw your XWW woke up and walked out. This was better

then staying there for the rest of the evening.

[road]

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.

 

Please clarify, I do not understand the who knew what.

[Bufo]

I'm quite surprised, and very sure that Ward and June would be unhappy to know that you've kept Eddie Haskell as your friend all these years, Theodore. Don't be mad at yourself for not attending. If for no other reason that you made the bride happy.

[merrmeade]

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.

Please clarify, I do not understand the who knew what.

I meant that the friend didn't confirm whether or not WW knew that UB was coming. But what difference I thought that made I can no longer recall and agree with the point that, yes, it was a mistake to go at all (and break NC) though the important thing is that in the end UB had the right instinct: He turned around and left and never went back.

 

I do want to say, however, that I am more distressed at UB's self-reprisals for doing " the opposite of what I thought I would do," for feeling "confusion, anger, hopelessness" or for not attending the wedding. If any BS has had the right instincts, it's UB and the mistake is not realizing that all of those reactions were normal.

 

But there were more attitudes in the whole narrative about the friend and the wedding event that troubled me even more for UB's sake: for example, UB's good-ol'-boy indulgent reference to the friend's ghastly insensitivity and willingness to get a laugh at his expense as just a "screwed up sense of humor." I mean, a practical joke on recent divorcees is hardly the college prank of a, ha ha, "sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him)."

 

And so that UB would even expect to "stand tall like Henry V" for such a jerk was painful to read.

 

I was concerned about UB's anger at himself for not attending the wedding and his surprise at the reaction he had upon seeing her. Wherever did he get such a notion that he should be, in essence, over her? And since he was not able to do it, does he really think he simply has to work on himself more so that he can, what? Be around her in the future without getting upset?

 

This says to me, frankly, that UB has not sought the right kind of support, conversation or reading that would give him perspective on what's realistic, normal and desirable for a BS at this stage.

 

Good grief, UB. What is the meaning of NC then? Did you think it was only to punish her? It's for YOU so that you won't have to go through this. No, remember YOU are the normal one, the one with feelings, open and vulnerable. You were hurt because you were able to love and committed to it. Of course, you reacted as you did. You're the good guy, remember? The one who doesn't compartmentalize or sweep under the rug. The one who felt every bit of the pain without swerving. THAT was being strong. To 'cave' is to

feel nothing. Of course, you saw her and were overrun with old feelings and reactions. Give yourself a break!

 

The problem was expecting something different, but like road said - one mistake is nuthin'. Just stop beating yourself up, man!

 

Still, all in all, you're doing lots better than I did. I complied with social obligations that forced me to interact with the OW and, oh, I wish I hadn't. It messed me up for months and years and simply wasn't worth it. My absence would've said a lot more than my presence did.

[Cullenbohannon]

Update:

 

Now, my best friend is a *********. He has been my friend for over 20 years and I am really close to his family. We have been through academy's together and have survived some harrowing situations. His sister's wedding was last week and I had to attend since she is like a sister to me. What I didn't know was my now ex was a bridesmaid in the wedding. So on the day of the wedding, I show up and my friend (who is a usher) shows me to my seat on the brides side, and starts laughing as he leaves. So I am sitting there looking around the crowd for people I know and my concentration goes to the man sitting right in front of me. It was the one and only Dr. Dick. Now I know what my friend was laughing about when he left. Believe it or not I was very calm and did not feel any real anger towards the good Doctor. I just sat there minding my own business until the music started. As the wedding participants start to come down the isle, Dr. Dick turns around to look and is staring right into my eyes. I swear to all that is holy, the man turned pure white and sweat started to roll down his face. I held face even though I really wanted to laugh. I continued to stare at him when my ex comes down the isle and I turn and look at her. She looks at me, then at him, them back to me and tears start to roll. Not wanting to ruin the wedding, I left my seat after the bride came down and went to the back of the room where no one could see me. My friend came back to stand with me still grinning. Knowing he did all this as retaliation for a prank I did to him, all I could do is say "We're even".

 

Something my fiancee pointed out.

 

If this is the same friend, you walk into that one yourself. When we look at how thorough you were from day one, it is surprising that you would not think your X would be at the rehearsal, since she was part of the wedding party. It is also surprising that you would not think the friend would try the same thing again. Word for word, the situation is identical.

 

Subconsciously, you had to know she would be there. You made a late grand entrance to the party and left quickly. Why?

 

You wanted to see her. You may dispute this, but a man like you could not be this naive.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Cullenbohannon]

yes, but he failed to confirm that she also knew.

 

He basically told him "If you want to see your Xwife, this is where she will be. He didnt tell the X or the bride. The message (intentional or not) was if you can not handle seeing your X at the rehearsal, don't come to the wedding.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess all this is like a 'Storm in a tea cup'! The thing is if Uncle Boogie isn't taking it all that seriously I guess all the rest of us need to respect him for that and stop treating this like a class room psychology project. I think Uncle Boogie is giving this the once over in a whimsical and self deprecatingly humorous frame of mind and is just sort of laughing it off. I guess we can all join him in doing so. Warm wishes.

[Cullenbohannon]

Many read and post for different reasons. While it is true that we iniatally visited the site for the Getting Married section, there is little traffic on that forum. If one doesnt read to learn, then what is the point?

 

In this case, every one gives the thread starter pats on the back and praise for his thorough and decisive actions. But what happens when the lights go out and you are staring at the ceiling? There are many lessons that can be learned in almost every thread, but the last update has a little bit of humanity, that was overlooked. Even thru the most heinous of affairs, love can endure. He had to see her. After all the tough bravado, this man still has love for his X. Love and pain seem to be a inseperable combination.

 

Take our post for what you wish, but for those at the beginning or those at the end, we will borrow your phrase and say warm wishes.

 

We shall bid you adieu

[Uncle Boogie]

Mr Blunt

 

Before I talked to my friend, I would have followed your "drop them" advise. However, after I talked to him i got a little bit more information. Apparently, his future wife and my ex colluded together to have him invite me to the dinner. I believe he was unaware of the plan and he said his smile was genuine and was glad to see me. I told him to grow a pair or he will be in my position in the near future. I am going to distance my self from him and his new wife for a while to see if the truth comes out.

 

Second...during this whole ordeal I was extremely distracted with her cheating, mediation, selling my interests in the business and moving to a new country. After everything settled out a bit I started to relive the pass and was dwelling on how to get some closure for me. I really knew that she was going to be there and I wanted to have some conversation with her regarding the why's and how's. However, walking into the dinner, I realized that it was a huge mistake that I really did not think it through all the way. So part of me did not want to disrupt their wedding, the other was I found out that I was not mentally ready to deal with her. This is what really supprised me because I thought my mind was clear and my emotions in check. Apparently not.

[Uncle Boogie]

To be honest, if it didn't affect you, I'd be worried. The emotional part of this is going to hit. Your friend is an A$$hat putting you in that situation and you did the right thing not attending.

 

Allow the hurt. She did a number on you and the only way to get over it is to get through it. You are using this situation to realize that. It isn't going to happen over night and it's okay to feel.

 

Don't fight it. Feel it and accept it so you can move on. It's the only way. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing.

This why I came to this forum. Information from those with first hand knowledge is important to me. I fell back to my old MO's regarding my decision making process. I just did not think about the mind numbing hurt I was going to feel when the dust settled. It's tough to find out new things about you during the most visceral times of your life. You hope you ill fall back to those ideals that have always got you through the tough times and it's a little disconcerting when unknown feelings raise their ugly head and give you a good beat down.

[Uncle Boogie]

I agree. Knowing the importance of NC you declined to be in

the wedding party. Your slip up was letting him get you to break

NC with the XWW.

 

No big deal because usual for a BS to err and break NC at least

once. You saw your XWW woke up and walked out. This was better

then staying there for the rest of the evening.

Agreed. However, it was still one of the most embarrassing things I have done in a long time. i console myself with the knowledge that it will probably happen again sometime in my future.

[Uncle Boogie]

I meant that the friend didn't confirm whether or not WW knew that UB was coming. But what difference I thought that made I can no longer recall and agree with the point that, yes, it was a mistake to go at all (and break NC) though the important thing is that in the end UB had the right instinct: He turned around and left and never went back.

 

I do want to say, however, that I am more distressed at UB's self-reprisals for doing " the opposite of what I thought I would do," for feeling "confusion, anger, hopelessness" or for not attending the wedding. If any BS has had the right instincts, it's UB and the mistake is not realizing that all of those reactions were normal.

 

But there were more attitudes in the whole narrative about the friend and the wedding event that troubled me even more for UB's sake: for example, UB's good-ol'-boy indulgent reference to the friend's ghastly insensitivity and willingness to get a laugh at his expense as just a "screwed up sense of humor." I mean, a practical joke on recent divorcees is hardly the college prank of a, ha ha, "sneaky bastard who likes to cause problems, mostly for me (has been this way since I have known him)."

 

And so that UB would even expect to "stand tall like Henry V" for such a jerk was painful to read.

 

I was concerned about UB's anger at himself for not attending the wedding and his surprise at the reaction he had upon seeing her. Wherever did he get such a notion that he should be, in essence, over her? And since he was not able to do it, does he really think he simply has to work on himself more so that he can, what? Be around her in the future without getting upset?

 

This says to me, frankly, that UB has not sought the right kind of support, conversation or reading that would give him perspective on what's realistic, normal and desirable for a BS at this stage.

 

Good grief, UB. What is the meaning of NC then? Did you think it was only to punish her? It's for YOU so that you won't have to go through this. No, remember YOU are the normal one, the one with feelings, open and vulnerable. You were hurt because you were able to love and committed to it. Of course, you reacted as you did. You're the good guy, remember? The one who doesn't compartmentalize or sweep under the rug. The one who felt every bit of the pain without swerving. THAT was being strong. To 'cave' is to

feel nothing. Of course, you saw her and were overrun with old feelings and reactions. Give yourself a break!

 

The problem was expecting something different, but like road said - one mistake is nuthin'. Just stop beating yourself up, man!

 

Still, all in all, you're doing lots better than I did. I complied with social obligations that forced me to interact with the OW and, oh, I wish I hadn't. It messed me up for months and years and simply wasn't worth it. My absence would've said a lot more than my presence did.

Yours was one of the most poignant messages I have received. Your are absolutely correct regarding my friend. The more I think about it the more I feel he was just giving me some standard BS. I have made the decision to step back from him and his new wife to see their true colors. My ex and his wife are close friends so right there he is subject. Apparently I need to clean house of those negative influences that currently affect my well being. However, I can not see these influences clearly right now so I feel I stumble a little bit.

 

NC is still the right course. I did go to the dinner and wedding to see the ex and maybe come to some closure in my own mind. I had several questions and in my mind and I was going to be stoic and calm when talking to her. Seeing her at the dinner really tripped me up. I felt pure anger and confusion towards her and Dr. Dick (who was there) that I just wanted to beat them down. However, better judgement and a spilled water glass brought me back to reality and the best thing to do was a quite retreat. Currently I am working on dissecting them from my thoughts and concentrating moving forward. I have come to the conclusion that I need some professional assistance in this area. This is something I thought I would never do (for some reason)...I don't know why.

[Uncle Boogie]

I'm quite surprised, and very sure that Ward and June would be unhappy to know that you've kept Eddie Haskell as your friend all these years, Theodore. Don't be mad at yourself for not attending. If for no other reason that you made the bride happy.

Always reminds me of the saying..."Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night".

[aliveagain]

Mr Blunt

 

Before I talked to my friend, I would have followed your "drop them" advise. However, after I talked to him i got a little bit more information. Apparently, his future wife and my ex colluded together to have him invite me to the dinner. I believe he was unaware of the plan and he said his smile was genuine and was glad to see me. I told him to grow a pair or he will be in my position in the near future. I am going to distance my self from him and his new wife for a while to see if the truth comes out.

 

Second...during this whole ordeal I was extremely distracted with her cheating, mediation, selling my interests in the business and moving to a new country. After everything settled out a bit I started to relive the pass and was dwelling on how to get some closure for me. I really knew that she was going to be there and I wanted to have some conversation with her regarding the why's and how's. However, walking into the dinner, I realized that it was a huge mistake that I really did not think it through all the way. So part of me did not want to disrupt their wedding, the other was I found out that I was not mentally ready to deal with her. This is what really supprised me because I thought my mind was clear and my emotions in check. Apparently not.

 

Total waste of time. Your friend is marrying her best friend, you need to get all of them out of your life or yo will always hear about something fantastic happening in their lives, things you couldn't perhaps afford or have the time to do because of your travels. What did Dr. Dick win, nothing but your leftovers. The world is open to you, enjoy it, the more time you waste on your past with her the longer you will take to get to the magic place. Whenever you start to question your decision just remember who's a$$ her legs were wrapped around in your bed. Get rid of them all friend.

[Uncle Boogie]

Something my fiancee pointed out.

 

If this is the same friend, you walk into that one yourself. When we look at how thorough you were from day one, it is surprising that you would not think your X would be at the rehearsal, since she was part of the wedding party. It is also surprising that you would not think the friend would try the same thing again. Word for word, the situation is identical.

 

Subconsciously, you had to know she would be there. You made a late grand entrance to the party and left quickly. Why?

 

You wanted to see her. You may dispute this, but a man like you could not be this naive.

Your fiancee is spot on. Yep...I knew she would be there and at the wedding, but when my friend invited me to the dinner I thought maybe its time to get some of my questions answered. I thought I was mentally prepared to handle seeing her and dealing with our conversation in a stoic and calm manner. However, that went out the window when I saw her. This really messed my thinking up. What I felt was insane anger and confusion and all I wanted to do was beat them down (yep...Dr. Dick was there). By chance I spilled my water glass and came to my senses. When conversations started to pick up again I made my retreat out the same backdoor that I came in.

 

It really was not a grand entrance, it was more of a stealthy crouched down move to a table in the back. After sitting down, I noticed the silence in the room and the bride, by friend and the ex looking at me. Not one of my better moments with instant regrets.

[Uncle Boogie]

Many read and post for different reasons. While it is true that we iniatally visited the site for the Getting Married section, there is little traffic on that forum. If one doesnt read to learn, then what is the point?

 

In this case, every one gives the thread starter pats on the back and praise for his thorough and decisive actions. But what happens when the lights go out and you are staring at the ceiling? There are many lessons that can be learned in almost every thread, but the last update has a little bit of humanity, that was overlooked. Even thru the most heinous of affairs, love can endure. He had to see her. After all the tough bravado, this man still has love for his X. Love and pain seem to be a inseperable combination.

 

Take our post for what you wish, but for those at the beginning or those at the end, we will borrow your phrase and say warm wishes.

 

We shall bid you adieu

You are right on. My decision process during the end of the marriage was decisive because that is how I have made all the major decisions in my life. Most of the time it works, but sometimes it fails. All in all it has been a positive course of action for me. Once my life settled down a little, I had a lot of questions that were popping up in my head. It usually happened at night when your guard goes down and your brain was time to wonder. I loved my ex with passion I never had for anything else. Her cheating was the most devastating acts that has ever happened to me. It put me in a frame of mind of non tolerance and systematically cutting her out of my life. Even though I would have acted the same way again, I now feel that reaching out for professional help would have been a good course of action. I am doing that now.

 

I appreciate your comments more than you will know. I hope you keep replying to my posts when they come up.

 

Cheers

 

UB

[Uncle Boogie]

Total waste of time. Your friend is marrying her best friend, you need to get all of them out of your life or yo will always hear about something fantastic happening in their lives, things you couldn't perhaps afford or have the time to do because of your travels. What did Dr. Dick win, nothing but your leftovers. The world is open to you, enjoy it, the more time you waste on your past with her the longer you will take to get to the magic place. Whenever you start to question your decision just remember who's a$$ her legs were wrapped around in your bed. Get rid of them all friend.

You are correct. The more time I have to think about it the better this advice sounds. Cut the dead wood and let the tree grow...right? Thanks for the thoughts.

 

UB

[S2B]

After my long term marriage ended (23 years) I realized that I had many friends through the years.

 

Most had been friends to both of us.

 

The ones that remained my friends since my D (12 years ago) have been the ones that show with thoughts and actions that they support me and lift my spirits.

 

There are several couples who still socialize with my exH and his newer wife - those I tend to be friendly with but don't spend quality time with them. I also created distance purposely so that I don't share personal info with them any longer that could get back to him.

 

 

Your "friend" is not a friend! Cut him out. This is necessary when trying to determine who will lift you up instead of dragging you down.

[merrmeade]

I have come to the conclusion that I need some professional assistance in this area. This is something I thought I would never do (for some reason)...I don't know why.

I am so proud of you, Uncle B, and how you are picking yourself up again. Once more, you prove yourself to be quite a class act.

 

And that you're allowing yourself to seek professional assistance is the best news of all. Here's how I've always looked at it. Maybe it will help you. -

I think of it as having a conversation with someone I respect who has done the training and has the knowledge to lend insight to my own observations and point out to me my strengths and resources. There's a lot of information you'll get about the people in your life and how you react to them.

 

I've done this twice in my life - once for a couple of years and more recently for 9 months - and each time I came out of it clearer and happier about who I am and what's important to me. You'll be very good at it.

[kgcolonel]

U B

 

One thing that I hope is not already addressed:

 

You stated that Dr. Dick was there as well....so your wife and the bride to be colluded to have you show up using the friend to invite you....was this to rub it in your face that your wife (I am not sure whether or not they were together or not) that in a sense, he has replace your place in the social setting? This is beyond cruel if indeed i am seeing it clearly. Wow....

 

At any rate, if I am incorrect, what was his place at this wedding? I would have thought a remorseful WW would have cut this cancer from her life for all the damage he has cause her....just my way of thinking.

 

thank you for continuing to share your experience with us.

[Uncle Boogie]

U B

 

One thing that I hope is not already addressed:

 

You stated that Dr. Dick was there as well....so your wife and the bride to be colluded to have you show up using the friend to invite you....was this to rub it in your face that your wife (I am not sure whether or not they were together or not) that in a sense, he has replace your place in the social setting? This is beyond cruel if indeed i am seeing it clearly. Wow....

 

At any rate, if I am incorrect, what was his place at this wedding? I would have thought a remorseful WW would have cut this cancer from her life for all the damage he has cause her....just my way of thinking.

 

thank you for continuing to share your experience with us.

Kgcolonel

 

You made a very good point. I don't know if they got their collective minds together to set some sort of trap for some revenge. I guess I wouldn't put it past them. I don't know what the ex's relationship to Dr. Dick is, but if they are together then they deserve each other. Good riddance to the the whole lot of them. It appears my social circle of friends back home is drifting away from me, but if that is the price I have to pay to get myself right, so be it. I just can't get out of my head what a total idiot I was for going to that nightmare. I guess hindsight is always 20/20.

 

My parents anniversary is coming up at the end of December and my ex was always a big part of their celebration. I would not surprise me if the ex tries to weasel in again. I threw this concern to my sister who stated that she would love to get her hands on the B###h and rearrange parts of her anatomy. My sis is the best.

 

UB

[Chaparral]

Did I miss something? You said your friend told you he had unknowingly led you into this tricky situation that was orchestrated by his wife and your ex? My question is why would they do that? Surely they did not plan a scene at someone’s marriage affair. Obviously, your ex wanted you there, why?

[kgcolonel]

Did I miss something? You said your friend told you he had unknowingly led you into this tricky situation that was orchestrated by his wife and your ex? My question is why would they do that? Surely they did not plan a scene at someone’s marriage affair. Obviously, your ex wanted you there, why?

 

Just a speculation, I will bet she is still with Dr. Dick now knowing that Bogie is not coming back.....this is her last stab at Bogie. I also bet that Dr. D may have also pushed her to do this to prove her loyalty to him.....just a thought here.

 

It would be nice to get the answer from Bogie's buddy that put him into this position....

[Be_Strong]

After everything settled out a bit I started to relive the pass and was dwelling on how to get some closure for me. I really knew that she was going to be there and I wanted to have some conversation with her regarding the why's and how's.

 

You absolutely need to resist the temptation to have an after-the-fact debriefing with your ex. Nothing good can come of a conversation with your ex regarding the why’s and how’s of her infidelity. Your goal should be to continually look forward in your life—not drudge up the painful memories of your past and interact with people that should be dead to you. Having that conversation with your ex-wife would set you back six months in your recovery.

 

It really is true that time heals all wounds. Do you know why? All of your feelings stem from your thoughts. If you didn’t think about your ex-wife or the affair, you wouldn’t be experiencing the negative feelings associated with them. Your thoughts are tied to your memories. As your memories fade, so too does the frequency with which you think about those memories. If I could perform a surgery on your mind tonight that removed all memories of your ex and the affair, you would wake up tomorrow morning in the best mood you’ve been in for months.

 

The point is that the healing process requires the fading of those memories and the reduction in the amount of time you think about your ex and the affair. Creating new memories with your wife (especially ones related to the affair) only prolong the healing process. You will never get “closure” with your ex—so put that idea out of your mind. Any attempt will backfire on you.

[aliveagain]

Did I miss something? You said your friend told you he had unknowingly led you into this tricky situation that was orchestrated by his wife and your ex? My question is why would they do that? Surely they did not plan a scene at someone’s marriage affair. Obviously, your ex wanted you there, why?

 

I too question their reason to conspire to get you to attend. If her reason was to attempt to get back together with you she wouldn't have invited O/M to the wedding, she would have come alone. The only thing that makes any kind of sense to me is they intentionally wanted to rub your ex's new life in your face in a spectacular way. Their intent was to cause you embarrassment and hurt, my guess is they didn't give you the option to bring a date on your invitation. Like I said, get rid of them all, they are the ones that look like fools.