Investigation: The begining of the end?

[lostgirl87]

Yes, but your attitude towards the OP has been a bit condescending Mrs A. I'm used to you being a lot more understanding. I'm calling you on this one.

 

How can a man watch his wife having sex with another man? A man who spent a career as a cop...that's who. I have some friends who are cops and it is amazing the stuff they are able to stomach.

THANK YOU!

 

Exactly my point. She used the word "sick" to describe the OP and his actions. Therefore passing judgment on how someone deals with betrayal. I don't understand how she can't she that's not shaming OP to a certain extent.

[deadsoul]

[]

OP, good luck and I hope you'll keep us updated. It seems you are kind of in "cop" mode and you haven't let everything hit you yet, so just be prepared for it all. Your training probably helps you through these early days, but in the end, the emotion of it all will hit you. Sounds like you have a good support network and that will help as well.

Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Troll commentary redacted and member moderated

[understand50]

The thought of viewing a video of his wife screwing her boyfriend is sick.

 

And your name is "lostgirl"....isn't it? I can't then refer to you as "girl"? People call me mja or Mrs. JA all the time... We are allowed to shorten titles. I know you are new around here....so maybe you do not know people do this...it is not offensive to most of us.

 

and you did not answer my question...who here called this man any names or shamed him?

 

No one...not one single person

 

THANK YOU!

 

Exactly my point. She used the word "sick" to describe the OP and his actions. Therefore passing judgment on how someone deals with betrayal. I don't understand how she can't she that's not shaming OP to a certain extent.

 

LostGirl,

 

It is a question of where someone boundaries are. Some here would cheerfully shoot a WS and OM, and that would be their way of dealing with the situation, would not make it morally right or legal. In this case having a Sex tape of your SBEX, and threatening to show it is not right morally, and in most states, and I think federal law, illegal. The court would not care that she was cheating, revenge porn is against the law. There is also the idea of not lowering yourself to that level. Her transgression, and it is bad and I do not excuse her from it, does not give him leave to abuse her, and in this case it would be viewed as abuse. What the law does allow is for him to divorce her, as he is stating he is doing. He should not do anything that will place her in a better position to take more of his assets. He is doing the right and moral thing.

 

Some would find it "sick" if he did show it around. I would as well. I wish him luck going forward, and hope he has the outcome he needs to go on with life.

 

I also wish you luck LostGirl.

[Sandy43]

Mrs JA is right as always, revenge is not a solution to any of this mess and never achieves the satisfaction that people thinks it does. It will not take away the pain or any of the raw emotions that a BS goes through. OP should be putting his efforts towards dealing with the emotions instead of lashing out at his WW. He needs to look after himself and revenge is never a healthy way of dealing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

THANK YOU!

 

Exactly my point. She used the word "sick" to describe the OP and his actions. Therefore passing judgment on how someone deals with betrayal. I don't understand how she can't she that's not shaming OP to a certain extent.

 

I explained to you what i said and why i said it. You are stating that your perception of what i said is what i meant. I was NOT shaming him in any way shape or form.

[Marc878]

Revenge or consequences IMO are a good thing. I've found it gives a lot of closure. However, it is best served cold, well thought out and calmly executed.

 

It's good to get things off your chest rather than living with them or holding it in.

 

Anyone Who lets themselves be wronged without any repercussion is weak and cowardly.

 

Full speed ahead OP!!!!!

[Bufo]

On another similar site a year or two ago a poster opened the thread with suspicion that his wife was cheating. He did not confront. He had long before told his WW that cheating was a deal breaker. WW had an affair with her boss anyway despite having an easy married life.

 

He became famous on that site for what he did. He got his proof and took action with his lawyer to file for divorce without telling her a thing. Got the finances in order, too

 

lLeft town for a golfing vacation and had her served with the divorce papers while she was at work. She fainted when she read what she'd received in front of several coworkers.

 

He was out of town and refused to talk to her despite her numerous voice mails and texts.

 

His calm and detached demeanor simply crushed her. She flew to his vacation spot and desparate begged for a chance for reconciliation. He politely declined reminding her threat she had long known infidelity was a deal killer.

 

Like you he offered a fair settlement.

 

You have the same opportunity here. Simply refuse to react or be caught up in her drama. She deserves to be ignored by you. Pretend in your mind that she is speaking a language you don't understand. No contact equals no more hurts or regrets. Cheaters are selfish and cannot stand being out of control. Ignoring her as much as possible robs her of any sense of control.

 

In any event no revenge porn unless you are absolutely positive it doesn't violate your law or licensing regulations. Why cause troubles for yourself?

 

 

 

 

 

P

[lostgirl87]

LostGirl,

 

It is a question of where someone boundaries are. Some here would cheerfully shoot a WS and OM, and that would be their way of dealing with the situation, would not make it morally right or legal. In this case having a Sex tape of your SBEX, and threatening to show it is not right morally, and in most states, and I think federal law, illegal. The court would not care that she was cheating, revenge porn is against the law. There is also the idea of not lowering yourself to that level. Her transgression, and it is bad and I do not excuse her from it, does not give him leave to abuse her, and in this case it would be viewed as abuse. What the law does allow is for him to divorce her, as he is stating he is doing. He should not do anything that will place her in a better position to take more of his assets. He is doing the right and moral thing.

 

Some would find it "sick" if he did show it around. I would as well. I wish him luck going forward, and hope he has the outcome he needs to go on with life.

 

I also wish you luck LostGirl.

Well in my defense, I didn't say what he was thinking was right. I said that he shouldn't be called "sick". I also said that what we need to do is encourage healthy legal ways of dealing.

 

Please read my original comment before assuming that I think any reaction is acceptable. That may give more context- id never condone illegal or dangerous acts against someone as a consequence for an affair. After all, I was an OW and wouldn't want to be physically attacked or my sex tape on the internet. I only meant that we shouldn't judge or refer to someone as sick. That's all

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think we should all wait a bit now till the OP updates us with the latest position. No point surmising when there has'nt been anything substantial to go on for a while. I don't understand how people go off track in a thread like this one where one is expected to stick to the knitting and offer the BS the best possible advice in the most lucid way and in the most calm and collected manner. I really don't know how helpful all the side discussions on the matter will be helpful to the OP. I guess we all have our differing opinions on the OP's situation and since this is a public forum, all of us are entitled to our opinions ( unless they are downright insulting and obnoxious to the OP in which case I think the Mods would step in) and if we don't agree with them we should just walk on by.

 

I guess the ball is now in the OP's court so we can do him the favour of waiting on him to update us. Warm wishes.

 

---------------------

 

[]In addition to my post above I wanted to endorse what Bufo said. There is a similar case going on right now on this very forum with the exception that the OP is the WW herself. I am referring to the thread by Deep remorse. Her husband had the same boundaries and acted in a similar manner to the person referred to by Bufo. I guess some men are really made of steel. A rare commodity these days. By the way I think there are an equal number of women of similar structure! Superman and Superwoman if you please. Warm wishes.

Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Uncle Boogie]

Quick update:

 

Confronted her Thursday night and took the mature route. Told her I have audio and video of everything, took my bag of clothes and left. I will fill like the missing pieces ASAP.

[RewindRomancer]

Well played! Looking forward to hearing your update. (Especially the look on her face when you said you had tapes).

 

 

Hang in there!

[Friskyone4u]

Quick update:

 

Confronted her Thursday night and took the mature route. Told her I have audio and video of everything, took my bag of clothes and left. I will fill like the missing pieces ASAP.

 

Now get ready for the slobbering bull **** she will throw your way

[harrybrown]

hope you tell the OM's SO.

 

And expose.

[Marc878]

Have your attorney check if there are Alienation of Affection laws in your state.

 

If there are you may be able to recoup some or all of your losses in the divorce.

[Cephalopod]

Boogie make sure you expose to her family as well as yours. Don't let her spin this as you being the bad guy.

 

Bringing a man into your home and ****ing him in your bed shows a level of disrespect for you that borders on pure hatred. She deserves no mercy from you.

[LoverofWrestling]

If you believe that she is cheating, then end your relationship with her. Don't snoop or hire/get someone else to do it for me. For me, snopping/investigating if I was having an affair would be the end of my marriage to my husband.

[elaine567]

If you believe that she is cheating, then end your relationship with her. Don't snoop or hire/get someone else to do it for me. For me, snopping/investigating if I was having an affair would be the end of my marriage to my husband.

 

Too late.

The OP is a security professional and he set up surveillance equipment in his house and caught his wife cheating with her OM.

[understand50]

Well in my defense, I didn't say what he was thinking was right. I said that he shouldn't be called "sick". I also said that what we need to do is encourage healthy legal ways of dealing.

 

Please read my original comment before assuming that I think any reaction is acceptable. That may give more context- id never condone illegal or dangerous acts against someone as a consequence for an affair. After all, I was an OW and wouldn't want to be physically attacked or my sex tape on the internet. I only meant that we shouldn't judge or refer to someone as sick. That's all

 

Lostgirl,

 

And not to worry the bone to death, but Mrs JA, stated she would find that "action" sick, not that the OP would be sick. It is context. The big take away, is that although you as a BS have been sorely abused by the actions of the WS, it does not give you any rights to do what you like. You must operate in the context of the law, and your own moral code. You will be judged by others on the basis's of their moral code. What ever sympathy you had from being cheated on can or will be gone. Also, and this is not the case here, if you even think you may want to reconcile, pushing the envelop so to speak, can limit your actions later. Now the OP does not want to reconcile, so that does not apply here, but think if he had children, or had a relationship with her friends or parents? So even with out reconciliation in the cards, it is a big help to take as much high ground as you can.

 

Uncle Boogie, is handling this well, and in the context of what is best for him. I wish him luck.

[Uncle Boogie]

Update:

 

So after thinking of ways to confront and humiliate my wife and Dr. Dick, I came to the conclusion that the consequences of this way of thinking serves no purpose at all and all I want is out.

 

I went home Thursday night to confront my wife and waited until she came home from work. I have a slave phone of hers so I am able to read real time emails she writes. While at our house, she emailed to the Dr. that they should meet up one more time before he(me) comes home for one more shot of "fun". It dawned on me that they may come to my house for their "fun" time which would prove unfortunate for the good Doctor. Not wanting to go to jail, I called her and told her I was coming home early and would see her when she got home. Of course the email she sent was what a person would expect ",,,guess who is coming home early so no one shot of fun".

 

When she came home, I was sitting in my recliner in the dark and startled her when she turned on the lights. By the look in her face it think she knew something was wrong. I asked her to follow me to the bedroom and have a seat on the bed. I then pulled the cameras and microphones from the bedroom and said that I have everything on tape which she then put her face in her hands and started to shake. I said that she went to far, to include having sex in our bed and that I was done. She knows my decision making process and knew there reconciliation was not going to happen. I picked up the bag of clothes and other possessions and walked out. As I was leaving I could hear her crying and I almost caved in, but I just kept going.

 

I am now at my friends house recovering and trying to plan out the rest of my life, or more specifically, what I am going to do in the short term.

 

And so it goes...

[Marc878]

She was crying because she has been caught. Nothing more. You are and were never a consideration.

[elaine567]

You did well.

You still have your dignity intact and I personally think it is better to walk away than to attempt reconciliation, unless there are kids in the mix.

YOU could have waited till he showed and caused a huge amount of drama and you may have ended up in jail or even dead, so well done for keeping your cool and doing the right thing for yourself.

[lostgirl87]

Lostgirl,

 

And not to worry the bone to death, but Mrs JA, stated she would find that "action" sick, not that the OP would be sick. It is context. The big take away, is that although you as a BS have been sorely abused by the actions of the WS, it does not give you any rights to do what you like. You must operate in the context of the law, and your own moral code. You will be judged by others on the basis's of their moral code. What ever sympathy you had from being cheated on can or will be gone. Also, and this is not the case here, if you even think you may want to reconcile, pushing the envelop so to speak, can limit your actions later. Now the OP does not want to reconcile, so that does not apply here, but think if he had children, or had a relationship with her friends or parents? So even with out reconciliation in the cards, it is a big help to take as much high ground as you can.

 

Uncle Boogie, is handling this well, and in the context of what is best for him. I wish him luck.

What are you going on about?? Again, reading is key.

 

First of all, I said I was an OW. Other woman. Not a betrayed spouse.

Second, I said I'd never condone illegal or dangerous acts against anyone as a consequence for an affair.

 

I really don't understand the purpose of your post...

[lostgirl87]

I admire your strength, uncle boogie. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you but you couldn't have handled it better.

 

I think you're right to not even consider reconciling. A ONS is one thing but a long-term affair that even occurred in your own home is h forgivable. I'm sure that doesn't make your pain go away though. It'll be tough but you'll get through it and end up in a much better place with a woman who actually deserves you!

[Friskyone4u]

Update:

 

So after thinking of ways to confront and humiliate my wife and Dr. Dick, I came to the conclusion that the consequences of this way of thinking serves no purpose at all and all I want is out.

 

I went home Thursday night to confront my wife and waited until she came home from work. I have a slave phone of hers so I am able to read real time emails she writes. While at our house, she emailed to the Dr. that they should meet up one more time before he(me) comes home for one more shot of "fun". It dawned on me that they may come to my house for their "fun" time which would prove unfortunate for the good Doctor. Not wanting to go to jail, I called her and told her I was coming home early and would see her when she got home. Of course the email she sent was what a person would expect ",,,guess who is coming home early so no one shot of fun".

 

When she came home, I was sitting in my recliner in the dark and startled her when she turned on the lights. By the look in her face it think she knew something was wrong. I asked her to follow me to the bedroom and have a seat on the bed. I then pulled the cameras and microphones from the bedroom and said that I have everything on tape which she then put her face in her hands and started to shake. I said that she went to far, to include having sex in our bed and that I was done. She knows my decision making process and knew there reconciliation was not going to happen. I picked up the bag of clothes and other possessions and walked out. As I was leaving I could hear her crying and I almost caved in, but I just kept going.

 

I am now at my friends house recovering and trying to plan out the rest of my life, or more specifically, what I am going to do in the short term.

 

And so it goes...

 

As I was leaving I could hear her crying and I almost caved in, but I just kept going.

 

 

The crying has just begun. Ignore it as well as the "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again".

 

Mot sure if it was a great idea to reveal your source but its too late for that now. I guess you will still see her communications.

[BetrayedH]

Update:

 

So after thinking of ways to confront and humiliate my wife and Dr. Dick, I came to the conclusion that the consequences of this way of thinking serves no purpose at all and all I want is out.

 

I went home Thursday night to confront my wife and waited until she came home from work. I have a slave phone of hers so I am able to read real time emails she writes. While at our house, she emailed to the Dr. that they should meet up one more time before he(me) comes home for one more shot of "fun". It dawned on me that they may come to my house for their "fun" time which would prove unfortunate for the good Doctor. Not wanting to go to jail, I called her and told her I was coming home early and would see her when she got home. Of course the email she sent was what a person would expect ",,,guess who is coming home early so no one shot of fun".

 

When she came home, I was sitting in my recliner in the dark and startled her when she turned on the lights. By the look in her face it think she knew something was wrong. I asked her to follow me to the bedroom and have a seat on the bed. I then pulled the cameras and microphones from the bedroom and said that I have everything on tape which she then put her face in her hands and started to shake. I said that she went to far, to include having sex in our bed and that I was done. She knows my decision making process and knew there reconciliation was not going to happen. I picked up the bag of clothes and other possessions and walked out. As I was leaving I could hear her crying and I almost caved in, but I just kept going.

 

I am now at my friends house recovering and trying to plan out the rest of my life, or more specifically, what I am going to do in the short term.

 

And so it goes...

 

That's about as "high road" as it gets, while still maintaining healthy boundaries of respect for yourself. Well done.

 

Limit any further contact with her to the divorce and any shared finances.

 

When it comes to "exposure," I recommend telling whomever you need for support. You have every right to tell your story but I would refrain from vengeful exposure. It does nothing but paint you as bitter. Stay calm, cool, and collected all the way through the divorce. Give her zero ammunition.

 

Otherwise, begin looking forward to your second life. Honestly, it's kinda fun. Take your career where you want. Live where you want. Enjoy living a life without negotiating with someone over everything. Date, once you're healthy enough to do so. It can be liberating.