Investigation: The begining of the end?

[Friskyone4u]

UNcle Boogie

 

You got the triple whammy here my friend

(1) your own porn video of her in action

(2) doing it in your own home and bed

(3) telling Dri Dick you are a nice Plan B.

 

Now add in how deceitful she has been by telling you how much she misses you, and then no kids to worry about, you ought to once you get over the shock consider yourself one lucky dude that you got this one figured out before her "career" took off and you had a few young ones running around.

 

Now eventually you are going to have to "unghost" her, as you will need to get the legal stuff out of the way. She is going to try all the tricks to lure you back in from mountains of tears to sex and your resolve is going to get tested. Anytime you question yourself just take another viewing of your porno flick you have there and that ought to strengthen your determination to get her out of your life.

[Cephalopod]

Boogie you did well and I hope she doesn't fight you too hard in the D process. All platitudes aside, as much as it hurts right now, you are in a great position in life to rebuild a new you and find someone who will honor and love you as you deserve.

 

I also recommend that you go as dark as possible with your STBXW. Let your lawyer deal with her. Tell her if she has any questions to call him, or have her lawyer call him. Take yourself out of the equation.

 

Make sure you are eating right, drinking plenty of fluids, and exercising daily. Lifting weights and walking every day helped me tremendously when I was going through my messy divorce. I came out on the other side a much wiser, stronger and fitter person after the dust settled. And you will too.

[ms millie]

Wow. Good luck to you.

[Uncle Boogie]

Update:

 

Those who stated that she would do a full court press were spot on. She knows were I am staying and has been calling and coming over constantly. My buddy said that it is getting too much and his wife wants me to find a new place to live. I don't blame her at all, she was my wife's best friend at one time. So I found a new condo in the downtown area.

 

I decided not to leave and to take back the initiative in my life. I contacted my wife and told her I would meet her at our favorite coffee shop. i got there early and sat in my car to see if she brought reinforcements with her. She did. Her mom, sister, sister-in-law and brother. I called her and told her I wanted to talk to her alone and send her minions away, which she did. I walked into the shop and she started crying these big bellowing sobs, which included gasping for breath and water works. It was quite impressive.

 

She immediately went into the "cheaters chant" of sorry's and it didn't mean anything B.S. She stated that she would do anything to save our marriage including MC. I asked her why do all spouses who get caught cheating then want to start MC. Why don't they request this before the affair. To me it is too little too late by then. Maybe I am wrong, but it always seems to be a cop out to me.

 

Anyway, I told her we were done and I was out. She stated that she was going to win me back at all costs. I told her she didn't have that much collateral and that my mind was made up.

 

My questions to the group: What do you think she has in mind? What do I need to prepare for?

 

And it still continues....

[deadsoul]

Update:

 

Those who stated that she would do a full court press were spot on. She knows were I am staying and has been calling and coming over constantly. My buddy said that it is getting too much and his wife wants me to find a new place to live. I don't blame her at all, she was my wife's best friend at one time. So I found a new condo in the downtown area.

 

I decided not to leave and to take back the initiative in my life. I contacted my wife and told her I would meet her at our favorite coffee shop. i got there early and sat in my car to see if she brought reinforcements with her. She did. Her mom, sister, sister-in-law and brother. I called her and told her I wanted to talk to her alone and send her minions away, which she did. I walked into the shop and she started crying these big bellowing sobs, which included gasping for breath and water works. It was quite impressive.

 

She immediately went into the "cheaters chant" of sorry's and it didn't mean anything B.S. She stated that she would do anything to save our marriage including MC. I asked her why do all spouses who get caught cheating then want to start MC. Why don't they request this before the affair. To me it is too little too late by then. Maybe I am wrong, but it always seems to be a cop out to me.

 

Anyway, I told her we were done and I was out. She stated that she was going to win me back at all costs. I told her she didn't have that much collateral and that my mind was made up.

 

My questions to the group: What do you think she has in mind? What do I need to prepare for?

 

And it still continues....

 

I would say prepare for her to tug at your heart strings. She knows you still have feelings and she will try to win you back through there. Sounds like the fog has fully lifted on her part.

 

Good luck and please keep us posted. I'm a wayward. I don't blame you for one bit on the actions you're taking. It makes me realize how much of a gift my H is giving me trying to R with me because I don't deserve it at all.

[Cephalopod]

She immediately went into the "cheaters chant" of sorry's and it didn't mean anything B.S.

 

I will never understand that statement. All WSs say it at least once.

 

I always come back with the question: "So you threw away your life and marriage for something that meant nothing to you? If so, what was your life and marriage worth to you? Less than nothing?"

[Cephalopod]

My questions to the group: What do you think she has in mind? What do I need to prepare for?

 

I think she's going to do exactly what she said she would do.

 

Ask her which is more important: the marriage or the relationship?

 

You do have the option of demanding a divorce, but you can leave it open to date her again afterwards, and reestablish a new relationship once she has gone through a couple;e years of I.C. and has figured out why she has sh*t for boundaries.

 

A fair divorce would be your fee for allowing her to date you and win you back.

 

Just a suggestion.

[deadsoul]

I will never understand that statement. All WSs say it at least once.

 

I always come back with the question: "So you threw away your life and marriage for something that meant nothing to you? If so, what was your life and marriage worth to you? Less than nothing?"

 

Mine did mean something to me or I wouldn't have done it. But looking back now, it was very faulty in the way it meant something, if that makes sense. But I can't say it didn't mean anything. Out of curiosity, does it hurt more to hear it means nothing or means something? I feel like in my case, it's better to a) not say it didn't mean anything because that was a lie b) not talk about how much it meant because that's hurtful for the recovering spouse.

 

But if I'm asked, which I haven't been, I will tell the truth. But I agree, it's a stupid thing to say that it meant nothing.

[Zona]

Update:

 

And it still continues....

 

Any consequences for Dr. Dick at his workplace? Didn't they work together? Most employers won't tolerate these kinds of actions.

[Uncle Boogie]

I'm glad you guys are working it out. Your spouse sounds like a better person than me. I just can't do it after everything she did and said. I have this philosophy that I picture my life 5 - 10 years from now and how I would feel about me current situation. In this case, I would be ashamed and and feel like a fool if I went back. Some would think this is a stupid way of living, but I have always done this.

[Uncle Boogie]

I will never understand that statement. All WSs say it at least once.

 

I always come back with the question: "So you threw away your life and marriage for something that meant nothing to you? If so, what was your life and marriage worth to you? Less than nothing?"

If WW spouses would put as much effort in their marriages as their affairs, maybe the outcomes would be different. Maybe it would have in my case.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Mine did mean something to me or I wouldn't have done it. But looking back now, it was very faulty in the way it meant something, if that makes sense. But I can't say it didn't mean anything. Out of curiosity, does it hurt more to hear it means nothing or means something? I feel like in my case, it's better to a) not say it didn't mean anything because that was a lie b) not talk about how much it meant because that's hurtful for the recovering spouse.

 

But if I'm asked, which I haven't been, I will tell the truth. But I agree, it's a stupid thing to say that it meant nothing.

 

I understand what you mean.

 

I think most in affairs would say they found their one true love, their soul mate, etc., but later when/if they come to their senses they realize it was NOT that, and instead was just food for their own ego. It still "meant" something to them though.......but it was just an ego boost, not love.

 

Deception creates deceptive and false thought processes and feelings. In the words of Inigo Montoya, "I do not think it means what you think it means."

[BluesPower]

Update:

 

Those who stated that she would do a full court press were spot on. She knows were I am staying and has been calling and coming over constantly. My buddy said that it is getting too much and his wife wants me to find a new place to live. I don't blame her at all, she was my wife's best friend at one time. So I found a new condo in the downtown area.

 

I decided not to leave and to take back the initiative in my life. I contacted my wife and told her I would meet her at our favorite coffee shop. i got there early and sat in my car to see if she brought reinforcements with her. She did. Her mom, sister, sister-in-law and brother. I called her and told her I wanted to talk to her alone and send her minions away, which she did. I walked into the shop and she started crying these big bellowing sobs, which included gasping for breath and water works. It was quite impressive.

 

She immediately went into the "cheaters chant" of sorry's and it didn't mean anything B.S. She stated that she would do anything to save our marriage including MC. I asked her why do all spouses who get caught cheating then want to start MC. Why don't they request this before the affair. To me it is too little too late by then. Maybe I am wrong, but it always seems to be a cop out to me.

 

Anyway, I told her we were done and I was out. She stated that she was going to win me back at all costs. I told her she didn't have that much collateral and that my mind was made up.

 

My questions to the group: What do you think she has in mind? What do I need to prepare for?

 

And it still continues....

 

What to expect...

 

So more than likely here is what is going to happen.

 

She will continue to or start to love bomb you if she has not already.

 

She will cry and wail and try to get you to have sex with her. Really about anything that you can think of.

 

I would get her to agree to minimum alimony and give you custody of the kids and if she does that you will think about it.

 

Get all that you can because you deserve it and she does not.

 

And do it soon because when she realizes that you will not come back she will turn into the wicked witch of the east.

 

So get the D done before she changes her mind, but divorce her now...

[BluesPower]

Mine did mean something to me or I wouldn't have done it. But looking back now, it was very faulty in the way it meant something, if that makes sense. But I can't say it didn't mean anything. Out of curiosity, does it hurt more to hear it means nothing or means something? I feel like in my case, it's better to a) not say it didn't mean anything because that was a lie b) not talk about how much it meant because that's hurtful for the recovering spouse.

 

But if I'm asked, which I haven't been, I will tell the truth. But I agree, it's a stupid thing to say that it meant nothing.

 

I'm Courious...DS - What did it mean to you?

 

What could it have meant? If it meant that much shouldn't you have divorced so you guys could be together?

 

I am not sure that I even understand...

[Cephalopod]

I'm glad you guys are working it out. Your spouse sounds like a better person than me. I just can't do it after everything she did and said. I have this philosophy that I picture my life 5 - 10 years from now and how I would feel about me current situation. In this case, I would be ashamed and and feel like a fool if I went back. Some would think this is a stupid way of living, but I have always done this.

 

It is not a stupid way of living. It is called having self-respect and honoring yourself.

 

I hate quoting movies, but occasionally there is some prurient wisdom to be found in some movie lines. There was a movie many years back with Liam Neeson called Rob Roy. In one scene the protagonist, Robert MacGregor, is telling his two young sons about honor, and what it means.

 

"Honor is what no man can give ya. And none can take away. Honor is a man's gift to himself."

[DKT3]

Mine did mean something to me or I wouldn't have done it. But looking back now, it was very faulty in the way it meant something, if that makes sense. But I can't say it didn't mean anything. Out of curiosity, does it hurt more to hear it means nothing or means something? I feel like in my case, it's better to a) not say it didn't mean anything because that was a lie b) not talk about how much it meant because that's hurtful for the recovering spouse.

 

But if I'm asked, which I haven't been, I will tell the truth. But I agree, it's a stupid thing to say that it meant nothing.

 

I think it's the individual. I started a thread some time back about this. My wife said her affair was meaningless. For me it was very hurtful, I couldn't and still don't grasp the concept. If it means nothing than I must mean less than nothing??

 

I do understand that women play mind tricks on themselves, convince themselves that it means a lot, but once faced with the consequences they quickly snap out of it.

 

I believe that it means something to all wayward wife's on some level, far more than men in general, I think the idea of it meaning nothing is in the context of what it means vs losing the way of life they have been comfortable with, not necessarily the husband himself.

[Whodatdog]

Sad to see how this is playing out, and sad for her to see the life she enjoyed so much is slipping away from her. Theres always consequences for actions. We all have a choice to decide if the actions are worth the consequences before we act on them. Apparently they were for her.

[Jersey born raised]

You mentioned that in college you traveled for six months, staying in touch and still a couple. When you returned you where introduced to her boyfriend. How did she handle that situation?

[Birdies]

I will never understand that statement. All WSs say it at least once.

 

I always come back with the question: "So you threw away your life and marriage for something that meant nothing to you? If so, what was your life and marriage worth to you? Less than nothing?"

 

I think generally "it meant nothing!" means that of course it meant something - excitement and being desired and hot sex - but it didn't mean enough to outweigh/replace the marriage. It meant enough that the wayward wanted the marriage PLUS the fun of the affair, but not so much they'd actually give up the marriage for the affair. When they have to choose one or the other, of course they choose the marriage, but they'd prefer not to choose.

 

Uncle, be prepared for her to lay on the emotional works. Love bombing, guilt tripping, having her family reach out to you, using the kids (if you have them? But I thought you didn't.) Your strategy, READ UP ON THE 180! Detach, detach, detach. It no longer matters how she's doing or feeling. You don't want her to suffer per se, but you just are indifferent now. That should be your goal. You just focus on you and what you need. Your time of worrying about her needs ended with the affair.

[stillafool]

She brought her family with her to beg you back. Good thing you sent them away because they were going to bombard you with all of her good qualities and why you should keep her, how much you mean to them, blah, blah, blah. That is what my bio mom's family did to my Dad for her cheating but he like you wouldn't budge. She is now going to try to sex you back as that is her biggest weapon to fight with. She would use the kids but she knows that won't work. God help you when you decide to take another woman to dinner, she will go completely off her rocker.

[deadsoul]

I'm Courious...DS - What did it mean to you?

 

What could it have meant? If it meant that much shouldn't you have divorced so you guys could be together?

 

I am not sure that I even understand...

 

No. I knew that even when I was in it that we would never be together. But it meant something to me or I wouldn't have done it in the first place.

 

It's okay that you don't understand... I don't understand my thinking at the time either. But when I was in it, it meant something. It was the fallacy that he "filled my missing piece."

[deadsoul]

I'm glad you guys are working it out. Your spouse sounds like a better person than me. I just can't do it after everything she did and said. I have this philosophy that I picture my life 5 - 10 years from now and how I would feel about me current situation. In this case, I would be ashamed and and feel like a fool if I went back. Some would think this is a stupid way of living, but I have always done this.

 

I don't think it's stupid. And I liked what was said above about going through the divorce and if you're in a different place afterwards and she is showing she truly wants to work on things, then you think about salvaging the relationship.

 

PS... it's not that my spouse is a "better person" than you. You are making the choice that's right for you. He is making the choice that is right for him. I don't think that makes either of you better or not better, if that makes sense.

[MickeyBill]

Update:

 

She immediately went into the "cheaters chant" of sorry's and it didn't mean anything B.S. She stated that she would do anything to save our marriage including MC. I asked her why do all spouses who get caught cheating then want to start MC. Why don't they request this before the affair. To me it is too little too late by then. Maybe I am wrong, but it always seems to be a cop out to me.

 

Good that you are sticking around for a while otherwise she would re-write your history to anyone who would listen.

 

It is huge lame-ass cop out. MC comes before the affair. If you stick to your plan, her willingness to "do anything to save your marriage" will last about 4 weeks then she will either give up or turn into a nasty person. So "anything" is not much.

 

Are you going to deal with good DR for inappropriate conduct? Sorry for th pun but was she "under" him in the hierarchy ?

[kgcolonel]

UB, I can't remember if you in the States or not, but if a Restraining order is available to you, this is one way to put a nail in the coffin if you're ready to go that final step....

[Mr Blunt]

My questions to the group: What do you think she has in mind? What do I need to prepare for?

 

Exactly what she said she had in mind….She stated:

“She stated that she was going to win me back at all costs.”

 

Be prepared for real emotions because she has to face the consequences, sex, and anything else she can do that will work on her “hold” on you.

By Uncle Boogie

However, my wife has some type of hold on me, where she can do the meanest things and eventually I forgive. A huge personality flaw on my part.

 

Do not confuse forgiving with compromise and failing to do what is best for you,…..The kind of forgiveness that I previously mentioned was for you to forgive so that you do not get consumed by negative emotions including hate…IOW, forgive for the benefit of YOU!..That may take a long time as you are probably not ready for that now.

 

When you were dating her exclusively for 2 years and was out of town for a period of time, you came home and she introduced you to her new boyfriend

 

She has deliberately pumped the OM in your home and in your bed

 

She did not confess but had to be presented with absolute and undeniable proof before she stopped the deceit

 

She told the Om that she never felt this way with anyone else

 

She does not want to leave you because you treat her well. However she treats you like shyt by pumping the OM.

 

You have no children with your betraying wife

 

If your wife is successful in using her hold on you I hope that the above facts will tell you what you have with her and that no hold will change those facts.

 

My guess is that the OM has thrown your wife under the bus and your wife is desperate to keep you, her plan b, so that you can continue to treat her well.