Why do affairs that eventually lead to regular relationships still fail?

[Lobouspo]

So I have a friend (yes it really is a friend) having an affair with a co-worker who told him she asked her husband for a divorce. My friend has had the worse luck with women, and he's excited to finally meet someone but I'm afraid this could end bad

[TheBathWater]

Tell him to do a google search on "mate poaching study" and he will get all the answers he needs.

 

A very small portion of affair relationships last but the research says that the ones that do tend to be people who knew each other before hand (e.g. childhood friends) and/or did the sufficient work to understand why infidelity happened to begin with and the realistic expectations of their own future relationship

[Southwardbound]

In divorces you don't 'ask' - you tell. Divorce means an unfixable relationship. So, if she said that, than she's possibly hopeful, that her marriage might be fixable. Either that or maybe looking for an exit affair to move it along. Neither of which instances, would be good for your friend.

[Midwestmissy]

Affairs often become a choice for a person who blames others instead of looking inward for answers. You have to be happy with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship. By not facing demons/past/issues/insecurities, you bring them right into another relationship. And since that one started with deceit, it can be just another mess.

 

In a lot of cases, affairs are an escape from reality. The bills, diapers, stomach flu etc are for the real, therefore bummer spouse. I imagine one might wonder if he/she has just created a vacancy for another ow/Om. And cheaters tend to lie to everyone and themselves. My wh made sure the mow thought he was a human ATM, she'd have been pretty shocked with the truth about his finances.

 

My wh could have left for the mow, in fact I told him to please get out. He said, "I can't have a relationship with her - she's married, she's got 4 kids and she sleeps around. I don't want her." So there's that thinking too. Not a lot of logic or rational thought.

 

I'm sure there will be posters who gush how it all worked out perfectly for them, but by sheer numbers, the odds are stacked against it for most cheaters. Just a lot of pain to go around once the dust settles.

[central]

Not all relationships that develop from an affair fail. Much depends on the individuals, and the situation that led them into the affair to begin with. However, there is probably going to be some distrust, because after all, they cheated in their prior relationship, so there is a higher chance they will again.

 

 

Some people may only cheat when in a bad relationship (not that this makes it acceptable), and won't in a good one - the trick is to figure out if they're this kind of person, or not.

[Lobouspo]

Another dynamic is she has a 6 year old kid. So I wonder how much that would complicate things apart from the whole affair thing

[BaileyB]

Another dynamic is she has a 6 year old kid. So I wonder how much that would complicate things apart from the whole affair thing

 

Exactly. The relationship is not such a fantasy when you are dealing with betrayed spouses, children, finances, daily life stress....

 

Before long, someone may decide to go looking for another "escape."

 

That, to me, would be the biggest worry. How could you ever trust someone who has proven to be dishonest, disloyal, and untrustworthy. I don't get it at all...

[Midwestmissy]

The dad of the little child is going to be present in her life a lot. And he may not love the fact that he's getting less time with her, or that she's sleeping under the same roof as a stranger he had no say in. He didn't have a choice here and he will not be happy with the truth. Which will come out.

[Ahurtgirl]

My affair ended really bad. I honestly thought we would get married in the future. 4.5 years gone. However, I have a couple relatives that met during an affair and all three couples are still married for over twenty years. Their first marriages were all less then 10 years so it might be that if she hasn't been married that long, an actual relationship could be possible.

[DKT3]

Affair turned relationship don't fail all the time, but they do at an alarming rate. Studies​ show 85-95%.

 

The reason s simply, bad relationships don't cause infidelity, people with poor boundaries and lack of healthy​ coping mechanisms do. Relationships​ are hard, but put two people who have proven that they don't have​ healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms they are mostly impossible.

[misspalmy]

hook him up with a single friend

[vanhalenfan]

Because they are built on dishonesty and lies. If he/she will cheat WITH you, he/she will cheat ON you.

[TheBathWater]

Affair turned relationship don't fail all the time, but they do at an alarming rate. Studies​ show 85-95%.

 

The reason s simply, bad relationships don't cause infidelity, people with poor boundaries and lack of healthy​ coping mechanisms do. Relationships​ are hard, but put two people who have proven that they don't have​ healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms they are mostly impossible.

 

This is an excellent point. It deserves to be said that this applies just as equally to any romantic relationship, not just those that were born out of an affair. Relationships are hard, and most of them fail. It may be the case that by researching such a specific population (infidels, mate poachers, etc...) you may be more likely to get a higher concentration of the issues that cause relationships to fail. Affairs can turn into lasting, happy relationships, and non-affair relationships can and do end everyday.

[goodyblue]

I ended up married to the man who I had an affair with. I.was single and he had been married 29 years at the time.

 

The thing is, we didn't really 'end up' anywhere. We planned, we moved forward. He left his ex wife. He lived in an apartment and we dated. During the divorce we did not live together. Six months after he left and the divorce was underway I moved to his city and we dated. We also went to therapy to understand the dynamic of our relationship and to put to rest why we had the a to begin with.

 

As time went we moved in together and married.

 

I know other couples who just straight up went into living together and they were ok but for us and I would wager for most, you have to make things right.

 

We have been married for some years now and we are really quite happy. I honestly can't imagine my life without him. But we did all the right things. And the biggest was his marriage was over, not fake over, not kinda maybe over, but done.

 

It is not an easy road. For us it was worth it. But I am certainly not going to run out waving a giant 'affairs are great' flag. There are better ways to do things.

[DKT3]

I ended up married to the man who I had an affair with. I.was single and he had been married 29 years at the time.

 

The thing is, we didn't really 'end up' anywhere. We planned, we moved forward. He left his ex wife. He lived in an apartment and we dated. During the divorce we did not live together. Six months after he left and the divorce was underway I moved to his city and we dated. We also went to therapy to understand the dynamic of our relationship and to put to rest why we had the a to begin with.

 

As time went we moved in together and married.

 

I know other couples who just straight up went into living together and they were ok but for us and I would wager for most, you have to make things right.

 

We have been married for some years now and we are really quite happy. I honestly can't imagine my life without him. But we did all the right things. And the biggest was his marriage was over, not fake over, not kinda maybe over, but done.

 

It is not an easy road. For us it was worth it. But I am certainly not going to run out waving a giant 'affairs are great' flag. There are better ways to do things.

I

Your affair was one of the rare ones where I believe your husband would have​ left even without you being in the picture (we discussed this before).

 

But the key, and why I believe yours is one of the few here that has staying power, the two of you attacked the flaws that lead to the betrayal. That requires enough humility to admit you were at fault and responsible. This is simply something most cheaters won't do

[Maddieandtae]

I had an affair with a single man who I left for, which along with many more important reasons is why the relationship failed.

 

I should have left my marriage without a third party involved.

 

I should have developed healthy coping and boundary setting skills immediately after leaving my marriage due to the history of that marriage.

 

There was no way that affair relationship turned out in the open relationship was going to thrive and survive. I'm not in that relationship any longer, it took ten years though to stop what never should have happened for my situation.

 

I was very unhealthy and already lived and contributed with my ex-h to an toxic lifestyle.

 

I don't look back on the affair with any fondness and I still have shame for those years.

 

See why some affair relationships fail? A person who looks for someone/something to make them feel better and not deal with their issues isn't going to have much luck with things just following into place.

 

Accountability, self reflection, hard work in learning the whys and apologies need to be made before any relationship will succeed!

Edited June 12, 2017 by Maddieandtae

[somuchfortheone]

Tell him to do a google search on "mate poaching study" and he will get all the answers he needs.

 

A very small portion of affair relationships last but the research says that the ones that do tend to be people who knew each other before hand (e.g. childhood friends) and/or did the sufficient work to understand why infidelity happened to begin with and the realistic expectations of their own future relationship

 

https://www.truity.com/blog/cheaters-gonna-cheat-here’s-why

 

 

??Good article on it!

[cocorico]

Why do affairs that eventually lead to regular relationships still fail?

 

If by "fail" you mean "end", well, then because most "regular" relationships "fail" / end too. Otherwise everyone would marry the first person they dated, and remain married to them until death. But that doesn't happen. Most relationships end, and people move on to new ones. Sometimes relationships overlap, or people move directly from one to another; sometimes they end one, take a breather, then embark on the next - the former being less socially approved than the latter.

 

But assuming the anecdotal evidence has substance, or the North American study has broader generalisability than just its niche sample, why might ARs "fail" more often than other Rs?

 

1) the default answer is "cheaters gonna cheat" - and in some cases that may be true. Some individuals just are dysfunctional and won't do well in any R.

2) bad practices formed during the A become set - particularly where one party (usually the WS) is assumed / allowed to hold more power in the R, and an unhealthy power dynamic established. Unhealthy habits can become set, and can continue into the post-AR if those are not checked and resolved.

3) societal disapproval (which seems far greater in North America than elsewhere I've encountered) can lead to continued harassment or lack of acceptance of the couple, and the added stress may break the R.

4) blending families, financial considerations, hostile Xs and all of the problems that blight any second marriage can be issues in a post-AR - especially if the BS does not want the R to succeed and poisons the kids against the new partner.

5) unrealistic expectations - some As are built on a kind of fantasy, and lead to expectations that day-to-day life with the AP will be all sunshine and roses - and then when this doesn't happen, disappointment sets in and the fAPs may question whether this was really the person they wanted to spend their life with (this is not unique to As. Many Ms fall apart when the fantasy falls away and reality strikes).

 

That said,

 

1) if the APs are not behaviourally dysfunctional; and

2) the A was not configured unhealthily, with unsustainable practices; and

3) you live in a normal society where people support those they care about, and neighbours and random others are not judgmental; and

4) Xs are not unreasonably hostile, financial settlements not crippling, and there are no complex families to blend; and

5) APs are realistic and willing to put in the work to make it succeed,

 

Then there is a good chance it will. My father had many happy decadesmwith his fOW before his death; my H and I have had many happy years so far (and counting). But we both recognise how lucky we are to have each other, and our M matters to us to keep it healthy.

 

Your "friend" needs to check his R against those considerations and see how it shapes up. If he has any concerns about any of those issues, he needs to decide if they're fixable (through CC or IC ) and if not, to walk away.

[cocorico]

https://www.truity.com/blog/cheaters-gonna-cheat-here’s-why

 

 

??Good article on it!

 

Interesting.

 

But while this

 

The study found that people who have been poached tend to fit a particular personality profile, tending to exhibit the following traits:

 

Lower agreeableness (lower empathy, less concern for others’ well-being)

Low conscientiousness (less motivated, lower impulse control, less organized)

Narcissism (selfishness, self-absorption, concern for self over others)

Avoidant attachment (minimize intimacy, maintain emotional distance, easily feel trapped)

Unrestricted sociosexual orientation (more willing to engage in casual sex or sex outside of a committed relationship)

Low extraversion (less socially involved, reserved, lower energy)

 

The interesting thing is that people who possess these traits in higher degrees typically don’t fare well in long-term relationships anyways. And you can probably see why. They tend to “think and act in ways that undermine the functioning of their current relationships.”

 

certainly matches my H's xW (herself a repeat fWS), it doesn't explain my H at all. He's highly empathetic, very focussed on others, and sometimes agreeable to a fault, always putting others ahead of himself; highly conscientious both professionally and in his personal life; not at all narcissistic (was a co-narcissist / "co-dependent" in his M to xW); relishes attachment and intimacy (the lack of it was what drove him to engage in the A); can't separate love and sex easily, hence falling in love so easily in the A; is effervescent and extravert much of the time. In fact, on all of those measures, I far outstrip him - yet I've never been unfaithful.

 

It might be to do with the sampling?

[cocorico]

A very small portion of affair relationships last but the research says that the ones that do tend to be people who knew each other before hand (e.g. childhood friends) and/or did the sufficient work to understand why infidelity happened to begin with and the realistic expectations of their own future relationship

 

We didn't know each other beforehand - we lived on different continents- but the latter conditions certainly apply. Interesting.

[cocorico]

That, to me, would be the biggest worry. How could you ever trust someone who has proven to be dishonest, disloyal, and untrustworthy. I don't get it at all...

 

There are several long-term reconciled couples on these boards. Obviously this can be overcome.

[MJJean]

It's common to date for a few weeks or months, get to know each other well enough to determine dealbreakers are present, and move on to the next dating relationship in search of a compatible mate.

 

When people on forums talk about the failure rate of relationships that began as affairs they seem to forget the failure rate of dating relationships that didn't began as affairs is very high, as well.

 

I think relationships that began as affairs end for the same reason most relationships that end do. The people involved got to know each other in detail and realized they weren't as compatible as was originally thought.

[anika99]

It's common to date for a few weeks or months, get to know each other well enough to determine dealbreakers are present, and move on to the next dating relationship in search of a compatible mate.

 

When people on forums talk about the failure rate of relationships that began as affairs they seem to forget the failure rate of dating relationships that didn't began as affairs is very high, as well.

 

I think relationships that began as affairs end for the same reason most relationships that end do. The people involved got to know each other in detail and realized they weren't as compatible as was originally thought.

 

This is likely true as well but while people in regular out in the open dating relationships might see their incompatibility within weeks or months and move on it seems that many affair partners spend years getting so caught up in being kept from the one they wish to be with that they aren't even looking at their romantic interest objectively. The secrecy, stolen moments, longing, pining, loneliness, isolation (even if a person has a huge social life it's still lonely and isolating to have a partner you can't openly date) and wondering when and if seems to be a big part of what fuels the affair romance. Actually that may be one of the reasons why they fail when they transition to a regular relationship. Once all the Romeo and Juliet tragic romance is taken away then it's just a regular run of the mill pairing and it may be that the affair partners find that boring or that without the intensity of the affair they aren't really compatible.

[goodyblue]

This is likely true as well but while people in regular out in the open dating relationships might see their incompatibility within weeks or months and move on it seems that many affair partners spend years getting so caught up in being kept from the one they wish to be with that they aren't even looking at their romantic interest objectively. The secrecy, stolen moments, longing, pining, loneliness, isolation (even if a person has a huge social life it's still lonely and isolating to have a partner you can't openly date) and wondering when and if seems to be a big part of what fuels the affair romance. Actually that may be one of the reasons why they fail when they transition to a regular relationship. Once all the Romeo and Juliet tragic romance is taken away then it's just a regular run of the mill pairing and it may be that the affair partners find that boring or that without the intensity of the affair they aren't really compatible.

 

I hear this said a lot but the people I know that have been in affairs don't feel this was part of the dynamic any more than any other relationship.

 

Did I get giddy when we were planning to see one another? Sure. Just as one would be giddy on Tuesday for a Saturday date. It's normal to get excited.

This really hasn't gone away for us, either. We leave for a sunny vacation in a couple of weeks and we are constantly talking, texting, planning. It's GOOD to be excited!

 

I don't think that is what solely made the affair great, but I certainly think it is a small part of a loving relationship.

[somanymistakes]

I do think relationships with artificial barriers pump up the drama higher and make the love chemicals more intensely addictive, but it's not only affairs that do it. A long-distance relationship can have a lot of the same effects... and can eventually burn out in the same way, if the people involved get just plain sick of the endless rollercoaster of pleasure and pain.

 

It keeps you locked in the limerence phase of attraction far longer than you would be if you just started dating someone openly.

 

Whether that actually has an effect on how things work out if you ever do move into a real relationship I'm not so sure, almost every relationship does have to deal with that transition out of the honeymoon period at some point

Edited June 13, 2017 by somanymistakes