I feel so dumbfounded

[crystalstevens]

I'm 26 years old and just cut ties with my MM whom I had mainly an emotional affair that lasted nearly a year. And now that I've gone NC with him (going on 3 weeks), I can't seem to forget about him and I'm afraid I never will. I decided to do it for the best of us. I'm trying to do something I've never had before, which is work on my marriage.

 

Sadly, this affair started one week prior my wedding at first we were friends, but before you know it within less than two months. I had realized this "friendship" was more than that. He is 14 years older than me, married with children. And I fell, fell for him hard, I became someone I didn't know, I became estranged to my husband and family, I had mood swings like no other, my attitude changed completely.. I wouldn't say worse, but I just stopped caring about my husband and became completely self absorbed. But for some reason, I felt like for once in a very long time I was able to be 100% myself when I was with him without feeling judged. I felt wanted.

 

And now that I'm here,

I'm with my husband now, trying to work on my marriage, trying to dedicate him time and attention, supporting him in everything he does. I'm just wondering: does ONE ever go back to feeling normal? I want to forget about MM but I'm afraid I won't be able to. My husband knows about the affair, and he thinks I'm back to normal and have come to my senses... but the truth is. I'm struggling so hard to genuinely be happy with our situation. I'm afraid he's going to catch on and realize that. If it were up to me, I would run away and start a new life. Thing is though, we have a toddler together and I don't have it in me to leave my child. My husband has always been lovey dovey and mushy but now, to me his words don't mean anything to me anymore and it's like it honestly feels FAKE.

 

How does one move past this? How were you able to rebuild your relationship with your spouse after an affair? I don't regret the affair... it was a major learning experience. But at the same thing, when I think about MM, it's just overwhelming. Going NC is the best thing I could do but at the same time, I could feel him again, I know I couldn't refuse. He has tried to contact me, but I have to be strong.

 

Thanks for reading.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm curious why you don't regret the affair? Would you say that to your husband's face? What is your view of the marriage vows you made to your husband?

[crystalstevens]

I've already had, he asked me to be honest about how I felt. So I did.

 

Honestly, I didn't write my own vows. I know that makes me worse than what I already am. I made them up on the spot when we were getting married. At the time before we had gotten married I was dealing with severe post partum depression that lasted nearly a year, after I took care of that with meds, we had gotten engaged and while I was planning my wedding, instead of looking forward to it, I just dreaded it. Deep inside, I wanted to get married to my now husband. But it was just one stress after another! I did everything a fiance was supposed to do, except writing my vows.

 

I don't regret it because for once in a very long time, I actually felt "alive" I no longer felt as stressed. It's hard to explain, but I felt like it alleviated. I no longer felt down about myself anymore.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So you are of the opinion that if you didn't write your own vows they don't count? How does your husband feel about your lack of remorse?

 

Exactly what strides are you and your AP making to ensure NC? That's the only way you'll get over your "true love."

[anika99]

Part of reconciling a marriage is being completely honest with your spouse. You are still deceiving your husband by being dishonest about your feelings and thoughts. What's the point of trying to save the marriage if you are still going to be dishonest and fake? Don't you want a marriage that is truly built on truth and intimacy?

 

It is up to you to decide if you want to remain married or not. Leaving the marriage doesn't mean leaving your child. You will still have your kid but custody will be shared. If you don't regret your affair than I guess you don't much care that you hurt your husband and if that's the case then don't stay married. Tell your husband that you're just faking it, that you don't regret cheating on him and that you would like to run away. It's only fair that he be given the entire truth so that he to can make decisions.

 

Of course your MM won't be leaving his spouse so don't bank your future on him either but by freeing yourself from your marriage and your affair at least you will then be free to pursue somebody you really want to be with.

[Birdies]

Are you in counseling (individual counseling)? That is the single best way to work through all of these issues. This is an issue with YOU and you need to dig deep and figure out why you did what you did and work through your feelings on everything now.

[crystalstevens]

So you are of the opinion that if you didn't write your own vows they don't count? How does your husband feel about your lack of remorse?

 

Exactly what strides are you and your AP making to ensure NC? That's the only way you'll get over your "true love."

 

You know, he never really told me. He's still clinging onto that image of the person that I was when we first met.

 

I moved halfway across the country to join my husband and I've disappeared off social media and have changed my phone number since. I don't want my daughter to grow up without either of us, and I really am and willing to work on us.

 

Part of reconciling a marriage is being completely honest with your spouse. You are still deceiving your husband by being dishonest about your feelings and thoughts. What's the point of trying to save the marriage if you are still going to be dishonest and fake? Don't you want a marriage that is truly built on truth and intimacy?

 

It is up to you to decide if you want to remain married or not. Leaving the marriage doesn't mean leaving your child. You will still have your kid but custody will be shared. If you don't regret your affair than I guess you don't much care that you hurt your husband and if that's the case then don't stay married. Tell your husband that you're just faking it, that you don't regret cheating on him and that you would like to run away. It's only fair that he be given the entire truth so that he to can make decisions.

 

Of course your MM won't be leaving his spouse so don't bank your future on him either but by freeing yourself from your marriage and your affair at least you will then be free to pursue somebody you really want to be with.

That's the thing, if you read my post I've mentioned my husband knows how i feel. I was very much in love with him alone point, but after many life events. I drifted away.

 

And it's not that simple, leaving my husband would mean leaving my child. As mentioned before, I even moved states to be with him.

 

I never banked on him leaving his wife, either. And I meant to say, the lovey feelings from my husband feel fake. I don't understand how he's okay with all this. While I know he's not, he just doesn't express it that way.

 

Are you in counseling (individual counseling)? That is the single best way to work through all of these issues. This is an issue with YOU and you need to dig deep and figure out why you did what you did and work through your feelings on everything now.

 

No, I've considered it though. Going from one disaster to another never helped anyone. And now I'm just here, trying to work myself and my marriage out. I want to feel the love I was once able to express before for my husband.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You know, he never really told me. He's still clinging onto that image of the person that I was when we first met.

 

I moved halfway across the country to join my husband and I've disappeared off social media and have changed my phone number since. I don't want my daughter to grow up without either of us, and I really am and willing to work on us.

 

That's the thing, if you read my post I've mentioned my husband knows how i feel. I was very much in love with him alone point, but after many life events. I drifted away.

 

And it's not that simple, leaving my husband would mean leaving my child. As mentioned before, I even moved states to be with him.

 

I never banked on him leaving his wife, either. And I meant to say, the lovey feelings from my husband feel fake. I don't understand how he's okay with all this. While I know he's not, he just doesn't express it that way.

 

No, I've considered it though. Going from one disaster to another never helped anyone. And now I'm just here, trying to work myself and my marriage out. I want to feel the love I was once able to express before for my husband.

 

There is a lot here. Your husband may not take your affair seriously because it was an emotional affair. Yes, Loveshack is full of people who get very upset about those but there are a lot of men out there who don't consider it an affair without something physical happening. I'm sure he feels bad but he may view it as a giant crush you had which luckily did not end up in a motel room. Or of course he may be pretending just because he wants the marriage to work.

 

I don't agree that you should reveal the depths of your despair to your husband - unless you wants you to do so. Again, many here are not interested in hearing about their spouses pain after an affair ends, their longing for another person. You can tell that to a therapist or a good friend or a diary or LS.

 

You were suffering from post partum and then took medication. Both add to the feeling of not feeling like yourself. Again, there is more there than I can comment on this board, plus while I have taken meds, I have not had post partum but I had witnessed complete personality changes in women after having a baby.

 

To answer your original question - it takes time, NC, and more time. I got back to normal. Anyone can. The comment about not regretting the affair though, I suspect you will come to the point where you regret it. The only reason you feel like that is you harbor the illusion of control over the situation. xMM is contacting you. H is loving you. You think you are in control. You are not.

[freengreen]

Well most of us did feel 'alive' in an affair, my MM was non judgmental too, anything I did or said was A-okay, I thought I could be free in front of this person.

 

I started comparing how my husband, one of my friend, my sister and few others 'judged' me and he never did!. I was on the moon...and then after a while through a series of events, one by one, fighting every event as it occurred, I wondered if he never cared and so he had nothing to say about anything.

 

Me: Yay! I want to get stoned and jump off the cliff!..how cool it that!?!?

Him: super cool, you are a star, go ahead.

 

After the fog lifted, I could see that the people who cared were the ones who were always there,who stopped me from getting hurt and I saw it as 'judging'.

 

what am I beginning to say?

Anyone can be free when there's is nothing else to challenge it but being free in REAL (not fantasy) circumstances is the win.

 

Your husband deserves some respect to have trusted you again. Yes, it is tough to get out of an EA ( I was in one) and yes the feelings will linger although we keep acting that its over BUT work honestly towards ending it, it will one day....if you are not serious on your resolve, it is only going to be pain in the 'neck' for all of you involved. Takecare.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How would you feel/what would you do if your husband was super angry and emotional about it instead of just rug-sweeping it?

[anika99]

You know, he never really told me. He's still clinging onto that image of the person that I was when we first met.

 

I moved halfway across the country to join my husband and I've disappeared off social media and have changed my phone number since. I don't want my daughter to grow up without either of us, and I really am and willing to work on us.

 

 

That's the thing, if you read my post I've mentioned my husband knows how i feel. I was very much in love with him alone point, but after many life events. I drifted away.

 

And it's not that simple, leaving my husband would mean leaving my child. As mentioned before, I even moved states to be with him.

 

I never banked on him leaving his wife, either. And I meant to say, the lovey feelings from my husband feel fake. I don't understand how he's okay with all this. While I know he's not, he just doesn't express it that way.

 

 

 

No, I've considered it though. Going from one disaster to another never helped anyone. And now I'm just here, trying to work myself and my marriage out. I want to feel the love I was once able to express before for my husband.

 

I want to forget about MM but I'm afraid I won't be able to. My husband knows about the affair, and he thinks I'm back to normal and have come to my senses... but the truth is. I'm struggling so hard to genuinely be happy with our situation. I'm afraid he's going to catch on and realize that.

 

 

You are contradicting yourself. In your first post you say your husband doesn't know how you feel at all and you are afraid he will catch on. If that is the case then you are still deceiving him.

[Darren Steez]

, I actually felt "alive" I no longer felt as stressed..

 

And that's why your marriage is "doomed".

 

You will always have that escape route because the MM will always be ready and willing to facilitate you. How can your husband's "mushy" words compare to the excitement that an affair brings because you have already connected the affair to "being alive", no wonder your husband's words mean nothing.

[crystalstevens]

There is a lot here. Your husband may not take your affair seriously because it was an emotional affair. Yes, Loveshack is full of people who get very upset about those but there are a lot of men out there who don't consider it an affair without something physical happening. I'm sure he feels bad but he may view it as a giant crush you had which luckily did not end up in a motel room. Or of course he may be pretending just because he wants the marriage to work.

 

I don't agree that you should reveal the depths of your despair to your husband - unless you wants you to do so. Again, many here are not interested in hearing about their spouses pain after an affair ends, their longing for another person. You can tell that to a therapist or a good friend or a diary or LS.

 

You were suffering from post partum and then took medication. Both add to the feeling of not feeling like yourself. Again, there is more there than I can comment on this board, plus while I have taken meds, I have not had post partum but I had witnessed complete personality changes in women after having a baby.

 

To answer your original question - it takes time, NC, and more time. I got back to normal. Anyone can. The comment about not regretting the affair though, I suspect you will come to the point where you regret it. The only reason you feel like that is you harbor the illusion of control over the situation. xMM is contacting you. H is loving you. You think you are in control. You are not.

 

Possibly, you may be right about your first statement. MM and I never did sleep with each other. We did however express our sexual desire towards each but never actually crossed that line.

 

I would tell my husband and have told him everything he needed to know. Not as in what MM and I did, but more why did I do it in the first place.

 

So whose in control? Them? Give that you mentioned that, you probably are right.

 

Well most of us did feel 'alive' in an affair, my MM was non judgmental too, anything I did or said was A-okay, I thought I could be free in front of this person.

 

I started comparing how my husband, one of my friend, my sister and few others 'judged' me and he never did!. I was on the moon...and then after a while through a series of events, one by one, fighting every event as it occurred, I wondered if he never cared and so he had nothing to say about anything.

 

Me: Yay! I want to get stoned and jump off the cliff!..how cool it that!?!?

Him: super cool, you are a star, go ahead.

 

After the fog lifted, I could see that the people who cared were the ones who were always there,who stopped me from getting hurt and I saw it as 'judging'.

 

what am I beginning to say?

Anyone can be free when there's is nothing else to challenge it but being free in REAL (not fantasy) circumstances is the win.

 

Your husband deserves some respect to have trusted you again. Yes, it is tough to get out of an EA ( I was in one) and yes the feelings will linger although we keep acting that its over BUT work honestly towards ending it, it will one day....if you are not serious on your resolve, it is only going to be pain in the 'neck' for all of you involved. Takecare.

 

I can see this EA going on for as long as I'd allow it to, my birthday was a week after I went NC. He did email me. I haven't read the message, nor I will. If I I reply, it's just going to unravel another can of worms and the consequences could be alot worse. If not for me, it could be for him or the both of us. While I try to best to succeed at life and trying to be the best mother I can, my biggest fear would be losing my child or have her grow up one day and find out what a real piece of work I am. I'm sure that's his fear too. I wouldn't wish anything bad for MM.

 

My husband is courageous for welcoming me back into his life again. I know I did this to myself and there's no one to blame, I just wish the transition wasn't so difficult. It didn't take one day for me to drift away, so I shouldn't expect the normality to come back overnight.

 

As far as the not being judged thing, well..... yeah, I guess you're right. Cause MM and I literally had just about everything in common (sigh) .. we were never able to be upset at each other.

 

 

 

How would you feel/what would you do if your husband was super angry and emotional about it instead of just rug-sweeping it?

To be quiet honest, I would actually believe him. I know I should take his rug sweeping as a blessing, bit I don't think it's healthy for him to hold it all in.

 

From my pregnancy and forward, I became a doormat. It wasn't until my affair was starting, I noticed a change within myself and all of the sudden started having opinions about EVERYTHING. Good and bad, but if I didn't like something, I would say it.

 

And that's why your marriage is "doomed".

 

You will always have that escape route because the MM will always be ready and willing to facilitate you. How can your husband's "mushy" words compare to the excitement that an affair brings because you have already connected the affair to "being alive", no wonder your husband's words mean nothing.

While you are correct, the PP DID say, time, NC and more time would be the answers to my problem. We shall see.

[Aqulesco]

when a MM grooms an affair partner, he sees her as a disposable peice of human garbage. Of course he doesent judge you. As long as hes getting that sweet sweet spot between your legs.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Well most of us did feel 'alive' in an affair, my MM was non judgmental too, anything I did or said was A-okay, I thought I could be free in front of this person.

 

Me: Yay! I want to get stoned and jump off the cliff!..how cool it that!?!?

Him: super cool, you are a star, go ahead.

 

After the fog lifted, I could see that the people who cared were the ones who were always there,who stopped me from getting hurt and I saw it as 'judging'.

 

Yes, it is tough to get out of an EA ( I was in one)

 

Lol to your dialog part! Yep! Seconded. Somewhere between you are my perfect fantasy girl (without paying attention to real me) and mirroring back the pedestal ego pumping.

 

when a MM grooms an affair partner, he sees her as a disposable peice of human garbage. Of course he doesent judge you. As long as hes getting that sweet sweet spot between your legs.

 

Alqulesco, what about those MM who are not (nor have ever) gotten "that sweet spot between [our] legs" as is the case for OP, freengreen, and myself??

[whichwayisup]

It really doesn't seem like you're were ever with your husband from the get go.

 

Divorce and be the best co parents to your child. Share custody and always put your kid first.

[Cali408]

You expect to be cured after 3 weeks? Try a year.

 

Your brain is withdrawing, its just hormones and chemistry. That birthday message he sent? Don't open. Delete and then empty the trash.

 

Block his numbers or change your phone

Get off social media. ALL OF IT. You want to be in touch with friends/family? Call them, see them in person. Write letters.

 

Dates are just dates. Just another day....If you feel sad on his birthday, spoil yourself. Focus on what's around you now. Your poor husband.

[crystalstevens]

Lol to your dialog part! Yep! Seconded. Somewhere between you are my perfect fantasy girl (without paying attention to real me) and mirroring back the pedestal ego pumping.

 

 

 

Alqulesco, what about those MM who are not (nor have ever) gotten "that sweet spot between [our] legs" as is the case for OP, freengreen, and myself??

He never did get in between my legs. I would have let it happened. But we were far too cautious about that. It was all words, never any real action besides groping my ass ?

 

You expect to be cured after 3 weeks? Try a year.

 

Your brain is withdrawing, its just hormones and chemistry. That birthday message he sent? Don't open. Delete and then empty the trash.

 

Block his numbers or change your phone

Get off social media. ALL OF IT. You want to be in touch with friends/family? Call them, see them in person. Write letters.

 

Dates are just dates. Just another day....If you feel sad on his birthday, spoil yourself. Focus on what's around you now. Your poor husband.

 

His birthday was two days before mine, but I wished him an early happy birthday when I went NC.

 

Funny you mentioned that,

Last night I was staring at the title of the email (without opening it) I drank the remainder of the whiskey I had in my glass and said "screw it"

 

The reality is xMM isn't helping me raise my child nor paying my bills. I think 3 weeks is too long to try and get over him. I know you said "a year"

But I've never been the type to be upset for extensive periods of time. This is three weeks that I'll never get back. I feel sorry for the people that have a hard time moving on. He was never mine in the first place, so it's illogical to think I "lost" him in the first place.

 

My husband is awesome. I feel sorry for the wife he has (me) lol. I NEED to be a better person . Our anniversary is coming up, I know I need to do slot more than this. But I plan on reciting him wedding vows that I actually wrote myself. This is a start ?

[Blanco]

You should divorce your husband, but only because he sounds like he deserves someone who views him as more than a stable consolation prize.

 

The MM is pure fantasy. He's an escape from the inevitable grind of daily life. He's a vacation from the realities of your life. He's not real. Of course he's not judgmental: He gets a lot of the perks of a doting partner with zero of the heavy lifting. It's easy to be non-judgmental and dole out the sweet-nothings into your ear when he doesn't need to worry about taking out the trash, discussing the monthly bills with you, figure out the logistics of carting around kids to their various activities. In that respect, you are also fantasy to him.

 

Your relationship with this man was established on the shaky foundation of you both being an escape for each other from the less glitzy aspects of existence.