Almost 2 months later, still not over fling/whirlwind romance.

[laelithia]

Hi Everyone,

 

I wish I could say I was doing better than I am. I'm really lost in how to continue to heal. I've dealt with heartbreak before, I think probably more than most my age, and yet I find myself completely stuck and unable to heal. I've written about this whirlwind romance before, but basically I dated someone who fast forwarded our relationship (1.5 months) and then just as quickly disconnected.

 

What I think I'm struggling most with, is that when we were together, I felt the happiest I ever had. Finally I had found someone that I was amazingly attracted to, was so attentive and caring, and wanted to be with me long term (or so he said then). It was so wonderful, I was over the moon.

 

However, since it ended, I have come to learn he is not the same man I fell for. He's flawed, has a history of hurting women, and is very insecure himself. What I can't seem to get over, is the "other" him, the one I fell for. I truly feel as though I am losing my mind, as I miss someone that wasn't real, every. single. day. It's almost like I feel like the other version of him will come back one day, that who he is now is an imposter rather than the other way around.

 

In the time since it all ended, I've been trying to do things to heal. I see friends more frequently, I work out regularly, I'm going to interviews after recently losing my job (I have no doubt this break up contributed to that unfortunately), and yet I feel no closer to healing than I did 2 months ago. I miss him constantly, I grieve the future we had planned, I doubt that I will be able to find someone I could connect with on that level, someone I am as attracted to and has the same sense of humour, style, and interests. I also struggle to understand why he let all of that go, what happened for him to change his mind about me, to stop seeing my value and the life we could have had. Maybe this is why I can't seem to fully let it go. I honestly do not understand, and I'm left in a state of confusion and hurt.

 

I've been on a few dates with other men, but none have even come close to how I felt about him early on. When I visualize who I want to marry one day and have a family with, it's him I see. Well, his body, his face, his voice, his mannerisms. I don't feel attracted to other men, I don't understand how he has been with so many women after me and has not ever looked back and wondered if he made a mistake letting me go. I can't seem to reconcile this in my mind, considering he was the one to say lovingly to me looking me in the eyes that he never wanted to be with anyone else, that he was absolutely smitten with me, that he wanted to marry me. I truly believe at the time that is how he honestly felt, he seems like a hopeless romantic in a sort of immature way like that. Yet almost as soon as his intense feelings for me came on for him, the next they were completely gone.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for suggestions on how to move on, how to go on dating others when you feel like it is a lost cause, that everyone else will be "settling" on some level.

Edited June 13, 2017 by laelithia

[Chilli]

Expecting real feelings if that's what they were to just float off into the sunset in 2mths and be dating other people already is a bit ridiculous, try a year or two..

[lovely81]

Hi, just chiming in because something similar happened to me. I thought I'd be over it much faster than I was. That said, I did do all the healthy things--dating, hanging out with friends, restricting social media stalking (slipped on that a number of times but survived) and the feelings did fade. What really worked is whenever I'd turn my attention to, okay, what can I do for ME? (Since we can't snap our fingers and just conjure up a replacement guy.) Like planning my outfits, buying new make up, going out for a favorite meal solo.

 

Also, sometimes I still get pangs of sadness about it (like after another date that didn't fit), but really I can't remember the original guy nearly as well and am just grateful it ended fast.

 

I think just cuz something is short doesn't mean that the feelings aren't real. (But also doesn't mean that you should be together.) You sound pretty healthy about it; I think any continued suffering and sadness is natural, just give it time.

 

Oh, also I noticed that I'd feel fine for awhile, then slip back about having lost this "perfect person." So I think slipbacks (new combo of slip-up and setback!) are normal, too.

 

Oh, and I also at this point think this happened to me just to point out how vulnerable I am to allowing someone else to decide my self-worth. You did nothing, your value is still the same. Trust that if he left, there is someone better coming along and/or you will improve your relationship with yourself. I was flying high as a single before I met this guy and quickly became a worrywart due to starting to see myself more through his eyes than being myself. I'm kind of glad now to be over that feeling of wanting to impress him.

[lighterthanair]

I made an account to say that this is EXACTLY what happened with my ex.

 

We started casually talking in February and then end of March, we realized we had feelings for each other. April, we danced around each other. In May, we started seeing each other. In June, he started being "too busy" for me and then in at the end of June, I couldn't take the roller coaster of anxiety and stress anymore.

 

Five months, start to finish, with only two-three months where we were "dating".

 

He is also very insecure, has a history of emotionally hurting his partners, being emotionally unavailable, and talked a good talk about future plans and how interested and into me (and the others, I bet) he was, but no follow-through.

 

Whether he meant to or not, he did a lot to accelerate the sense of intimacy and connection by sharing all these deep dark parts of his past and himself - made you feel like you were a trusted confidante.

 

I see him doing this to other women now that he's burned through me.

 

We aren't grieving the people that exist. We're grieving the facade they presented us.

Edited July 6, 2017 by lighterthanair