Blame Shifting

[BettyDraper]

My husband doesn't like to take responsibility for his actions.

Every time I bring up an issue I have with him, he points out something that I have done wrong. I find this behavior very disrespectful and manipulative. He has had this problem for years. Whenever my husband brings up a problem with my behavior or choices, I listen to him and admit any kind of fault. I might argue with him if I think he's wrong but I never play the "Well, what about when you did...." game.

 

So he did it again the other day and I finally bit his head off. I greatly dislike having to repeat myself. It's one of the reasons I don't have children. I told my husband that if he keeps shifting blame, we are going to separate because I don't want a husband who cannot take responsibility for his actions and doesn't give a s**t what I say or how I feel. My husband is someone who requires drastic actions to make changes. I've learned that polite discussions often go in one ear and out the other. I simply don't know any other way to make myself heard.

 

I've observed many other men react to problems being discussed in the same manner so I wonder if it's just typical male behavior.

[reboot]

I don't think so. I know lots of women that do the same thing. I used to be married to one.

[aileD]

I don't think so. I know lots of women that do the same thing. I used to be married to one.

 

 

It's a defense mechanism. Likely learned from the way he grew up. Or he's a narcissist. That's a trait.

 

This isn't something that can't be fixed. Therapy might help. It helps to communicate better and sometimes it takes a 3rd party to make someone see that they're in the wrong. There also could be things you do that contribute that you could learn about and fix.

 

Look up reflective conversation. It's basically the first thing you do in therapy. Ask your H if he'd be willing to try it. It's basically one of you telling the other about an issue they have and then the other basically repeats back to you what you said and how you feel. Most people can't do that because they're too busy thinking of their comeback...this forces him to listen to your issue, and listen to your feelings about the issue and puts a stop to "but you" because he's not allowed to rebuttal. ITs just an exercise about listening and empathy.

[BettyDraper]

It's a defense mechanism. Likely learned from the way he grew up. Or he's a narcissist. That's a trait.

 

This isn't something that can't be fixed. Therapy might help. It helps to communicate better and sometimes it takes a 3rd party to make someone see that they're in the wrong. There also could be things you do that contribute that you could learn about and fix.

 

Look up reflective conversation. It's basically the first thing you do in therapy. Ask your H if he'd be willing to try it. It's basically one of you telling the other about an issue they have and then the other basically repeats back to you what you said and how you feel. Most people can't do that because they're too busy thinking of their comeback...this forces him to listen to your issue, and listen to your feelings about the issue and puts a stop to "but you" because he's not allowed to rebuttal. ITs just an exercise about listening and empathy.

 

I don't think my husband is a narcissist but his mother certainly is.

He isn't interested in seeing a therapist either individually or as a couple. I've tried to get my husband to seek help to no avail.

Reflective conversation sounds great. Thanks so much for the suggestions!

[Arieswoman]

AD,

 

It's a defense mechanism. Likely learned from the way he grew up. Or he's a narcissist. That's a trait.

 

I agree, I was married to someone like that.

[aileD]

I don't think my husband is a narcissist but his mother certainly is.

He isn't interested in seeing a therapist either individually or as a couple. I've tried to get my husband to seek help to no avail.

Reflective conversation sounds great. Thanks so much for the suggestions!

 

It's unfortunate he's unwilling to see someone. I'm sorry.

 

Do some research on children of narcissists. They can have issues with self esteem. And a lot of times that can manifest itself (especially in men) at being defensive and blame shifting

[BettyDraper]

It's unfortunate he's unwilling to see someone. I'm sorry.

 

Do some research on children of narcissists. They can have issues with self esteem. And a lot of times that can manifest itself (especially in men) at being defensive and blame shifting

 

We were both raised by narcissistic women, though my mother's narcissism is far more malignant. I've posted about how cruel she was to me before. Both of us had severe self esteem issues. I saw a therapist for years while my husband seemed to slowly outgrow many of his issues. He mentioned that he "feels attacked" whenever I have a problem with something he has done. I do can't understand that because bringing up an issue is not a personal attack. There's a world of difference between "I don't like the way you snapped at me." and "You're such an idiot! You can't even communicate properly!"

 

It's is sad that my husband doesn't want to talk to a therapist. However, I know that I can make him do anything he doesn't want to. I can only make suggestions. He comes from a stereotypical cold WASP family where nobody ever talked about their feelings. In fact, my husband told me that neither of his parents ever said that they loved him.

[basil67]

I think you may truly be a Betty Draper - married to a man from the 1950's. Because his behaviour is straight out of that era when women had no right to question a man.

[basil67]

Sorry, I posted my last response before reading your current replies.

 

There's a world of difference between "I don't like the way you snapped at me." and "You're such an idiot! You can't even communicate properly!"

 

While the first comment is not as bad as the second, it's still an attack on him and will put him on the defensive. Try to find sentences that talk about the behaviour and your feelings without using the word "you" and labelling his behaviour.

 

"when I hear that tone of voice, I feel X and Y"

[mercy]

In fact, my husband told me that neither of his parents ever said that they loved him.

 

I just imagine a little boy wondering why. So sad.

 

Have you asked him how he would like to be approached when there's a problem?

 

Maybe growing up he felt it was his fault he wasn't loved. So now as a man he struggles with you mentioning he could have a shortcoming. It screams at him, you're inadequate.

[BettyDraper]

Sorry, I posted my last response before reading your current replies.

 

 

 

While the first comment is not as bad as the second, it's still an attack on him and will put him on the defensive. Try to find sentences that talk about the behaviour and your feelings without using the word "you" and labelling his behaviour.

 

"when I hear that tone of voice, I feel X and Y"

 

First of all, your previous comment was very rude and unhelpful. Please do not take shots at me or my username.

 

Secondly, you did not read the second post you are referring to. I was using those insults as a bad example. I do not speak to my husband that way. It would help to read posts thoroughly before responding so that you sound more intelligent. I'll be blocking you now because I don't talk to members who insult me or have poor reading comprehension. It just frustrates both of us.

[William]

Let's get this back to the topic of blame shifting in a marriage and keep it civil. The players here know the rules so I won't take any interim measures if things don't square away. Thanks!

[Thegameoflife]

It sounds like you simply need to keep the conversation on track. My response to redirection is, "If you want to talk about your greivance once we're done discussing this current issue, that's fine. Until then, lets talk about (issue at hand)".

 

However, be weary of situations where your behaviour could be causing his. It's unfair to disregard a problem if it is relavent. Also, don't blindside people with grilling. Makes people defensive, and more likely to deflect.

[BluesPower]

No this is a communication thing...

 

People that never learned to talk about their feelings or always had low SE always feel attacked.

 

Would he read a book. There have to be some good ones on this topic, this type of blame shifting is really common.

 

One thing you can try is this: "I feel" messages and redirection.

 

I FEEL:

 

"Honey, when you raise your voice to me I FEEL UNSAFE. Or I FEEL HURT when you do not seem to take my feelings into consideration.

 

Redirection:

 

He says, "Well you always do X".

 

Redirection, you say, "Well that may be true, and we can talk about that when we finish this issue. Which is, when you raise your voice to me I FEEL SCARED AND HURT."

 

Those two techniques are like commination 101 for marriages.

 

Maybe it could help...

[GunslingerRoland]

I think it's really easy to get defensive and try to justify things when you feel under attack. I'm thinking bringing up the possibility of separation will make that worse.

 

Like others have said wording becomes very key. Focus on your feelings, because he can't argue those.

[Gemma1]

First of all, your previous comment was very rude and unhelpful. Please do not take shots at me or my username.

 

Secondly, you did not read the second post you are referring to. I was using those insults as a bad example. I do not speak to my husband that way. It would help to read posts thoroughly before responding so that you sound more intelligent. I'll be blocking you now because I don't talk to members who insult me or have poor reading comprehension. It just frustrates both of us.

 

I think maybe you misunderstood what basil was saying. In your post that basil was referring to, it sounded like you were saying the first phrase ("I don't like the way you snapped at me") is a phrase you would use, whereas the second phrase ("you're an idiot...") is a type of attack you would never use. I think basil was just saying that even the first phrase could be softened a bit so that your husband is less likely to feel attacked (even though you aren't attacking him in the first place, he's obviously taking it that way).

 

It was good advice. In fact it's the only real solution to your problem if your husband won't go to counseling. If I've misunderstood your post and both of those phrases were bad examples, my apologies. But I think if you reread your post, you can see where someone could come to that conclusion.

 

Just trying to help, because like I said, I think this sort of change in yourself is the only thing that can help your situation, since you can't change your husband.

[BettyDraper]

No this is a communication thing...

 

People that never learned to talk about their feelings or always had low SE always feel attacked.

 

Would he read a book. There have to be some good ones on this topic, this type of blame shifting is really common.

 

One thing you can try is this: "I feel" messages and redirection.

 

I FEEL:

 

"Honey, when you raise your voice to me I FEEL UNSAFE. Or I FEEL HURT when you do not seem to take my feelings into consideration.

 

Redirection:

 

He says, "Well you always do X".

 

Redirection, you say, "Well that may be true, and we can talk about that when we finish this issue. Which is, when you raise your voice to me I FEEL SCARED AND HURT."

 

Those two techniques are like commination 101 for marriages.

 

Maybe it could help...

 

What happens when I talk about my feelings and my husband still makes it seem like my fault because I made him feel a certain way before? I'm asking because I tried to share my feelings in the past and that's exactly how my husband responded.

[BettyDraper]

I think maybe you misunderstood what basil was saying. In your post that basil was referring to, it sounded like you were saying the first phrase ("I don't like the way you snapped at me") is a phrase you would use, whereas the second phrase ("you're an idiot...") is a type of attack you would never use. I think basil was just saying that even the first phrase could be softened a bit so that your husband is less likely to feel attacked (even though you aren't attacking him in the first place, he's obviously taking it that way).

 

It was good advice. In fact it's the only real solution to your problem if your husband won't go to counseling. If I've misunderstood your post and both of those phrases were bad examples, my apologies. But I think if you reread your post, you can see where someone could come to that conclusion.

 

Just trying to help, because like I said, I think this sort of change in yourself is the only thing that can help your situation, since you can't change your husband.

 

I don't agree that my first example needs to be softened. I've been very patient and considerate of my husband. Why should I soften my words even more when he won't try marriage counseling for us? It goes both ways.

 

As for Basil67, I refuse to be amenable to advice from anyone who takes my username and makes a snide remark about my marriage. That behavior is uncalled for.

[BettyDraper]

I don't think so. I know lots of women that do the same thing. I used to be married to one.

 

Every man I have been with has been a blame shifter. It started from my first boyfriend at age 17. I also notice other women going through the same thing so I think most men are needlessly defensive and they try to weasel their way out of discussions.

 

On the other hand, I don't think that women are immune to blame shifting either. My mother loved blaming her children for abusive behavior and I'm sure she's not the only woman who couldn't take accept responsibility for actions.

[aileD]

Betty,

 

Have you tried emailing your husband your concerns? Sometimes my husband and I use this way to communicate because it seems less confrontational, and we can get what we want to say out without being interrupted with excuses why we're "wrong".

 

You could just tell him that you don't want an answer to this email, you don't want to talk about it....right now you just want to tell him how you feel.

 

I can feel your frustration. You aren't being heard and that's difficult to deal with. And I can tell this is causing a lot of anger and resentments towards your H. I applaud you for trying to find a way to figure this out.

[BettyDraper]

Betty,

 

Have you tried emailing your husband your concerns? Sometimes my husband and I use this way to communicate because it seems less confrontational, and we can get what we want to say out without being interrupted with excuses why we're "wrong".

 

You could just tell him that you don't want an answer to this email, you don't want to talk about it....right now you just want to tell him how you feel.

 

I can feel your frustration. You aren't being heard and that's difficult to deal with. And I can tell this is causing a lot of anger and resentments towards your H. I applaud you for trying to find a way to figure this out.

 

Thank you for saying this. It's nice to see that you understand. I sent you a PM.

[basil67]

As for Basil67, I refuse to be amenable to advice from anyone who takes my username and makes a snide remark about my marriage. That behavior is uncalled for.

 

I think you misunderstand - I'm not taking pot shots at your name. I think Betty Draper was a great character - and with a wardrobe to die for!

 

I simply saw a parallel between the 1950's marriage of your namesake and the situation you're describing where your husband won't answer to you. Had you had a different username, the link probably wouldn't have occurred to me.

 

No offense intended.

[Gemma1]

I don't agree that my first example needs to be softened. I've been very patient and considerate of my husband. Why should I soften my words even more when he won't try marriage counseling for us? It goes both ways.

In that case, I think you are doing the same thing you accuse your husband of doing. You bring up an issue to him and he blame shifts to something you are doing wrong. But here multiple people have suggested you change the way you talk to him, and your response is "he won't try marriage counseling for us." Don't you see how it's the same problem?

 

You can only change yourself.

[dichotomy]

My wife is like this. Never at fault, no regrets.

 

Then again - I have noticed among men and women these days that accountability and ownership of mistakes are in very short supply for all parts of their lives. Everyone else is to blame. Business leaders, politicians, everyone is never at fault and no apologies.

 

I can say I dont like specific double standards - so when my wife makes statements about "don't lie or hide things from me"...I tend to bring up her past betrayals and lies. So I guess I do some turn backs.

[BettyDraper]

In that case, I think you are doing the same thing you accuse your husband of doing. You bring up an issue to him and he blame shifts to something you are doing wrong. But here multiple people have suggested you change the way you talk to him, and your response is "he won't try marriage counseling for us." Don't you see how it's the same problem?

 

You can only change yourself.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult so please excuse me if I sound dense, Gem.

 

I fail to see what is wrong with calmly and quietly saying "I don't like the way you snapped at me." It's not a personal attack. It's a simple and respectful statement of my feelings.