cherrymae Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 *There is swearing and a bit graphic* * TLDR; my almost 19 y/o boyfriend for 2 and a half years was texting his friend (who's in a relationship of 3+ years - same age) about how hot this 16 year old was that his friend wanted to hook up with, and my boyfriend was talking about her boobs and how "hard" she would make him. I know we are young, but he's slept with a few girls before and he is the only guy i've been with. Also I don't think or speak about guys the way he does with his friends. Now I just don't know if its worth breaking up over. * So, I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend (18 just born later in the year) and I have been dating for 2 and a half years. He's very good to me, maybe a little protective but treats me very well. First off, he doesn't make the greatest friends. His friends cheat on they're girlfriends a lot and just aren't the nicest people (in my opinion). His group of people were like those cocky popular jocks in high school movies, like those types of personalities. I was texting my cousin about him (he "pranked" me saying he was taking steroids so I asked my cousin for some advice) and he wanted to see the messages between my cousin and I. So I told him that he could see them if I go through his phone and he said yea fine. I trust him and knew I wouldn't find anything in his phone. So, I went through his messages with his one friend (cheats on his girlfriend a few times) and most of them were just about work but I saw this (as accurate as I could remember) Boyfriend:Hey are you around [girlfriends name]? delete your messages after this. His Friend:No she's not with me right now BF: okay bro, I saw that 16 year old bitch in the store (my boyfriend and his friend work in a grocery store) F: lol yea? BF: yea! I'd be hard af too F: Haha dude ikr BF: yea i saw her walking around in a white tank top and her tits were bouncing all around, holy **** dude F: [replies] BF: You should've totally kissed her F: lol stop hyping me up man F: maybe in a few years BF: yea but imagine her in 4 years though (heart eyes emoji) and thats all i really remember. I read the messages to him and started tearing up because I'm hurt by this, not only is he talking about other girls like this but he was hyping up his friend to cheat on his girlfriend (he's told me he doesn't agree with it) and also this girl is in the 10th grade! He said the back story to the messages was that his friend went to the gym and picked up the 16 year old to drive her home but when he went to drop her off at home she grabbed his hand and put it on her thigh. He friend said that his d*ck was so hard and he wanted to kiss her but didn't. I trust my boyfriend would never cheat on me and I know he loves me a lot too. When someone (girl or boy) is pretty or hot it's natural for us to comment about the that person to each other, we are comfortable in that sense. So it's I'm okay with him saying that other girls are hot, it's impossible not too. I understand that sometimes guys say stuff like "yea she could get it" or "yea i'd f*ck her" is their way of saying "yea she's hot" even though I don't really agree, I get it. I also know I can be insecure and jealous at times but, damn, this hurts. We talked about the messages and he said that this isn't the first time he talks about girls like that to his friends, he confessed that these thoughts and talking like that to his friends occurs to him a few times a month. knowing he thinks and talks about other girls (like in that text) through our whole relationship makes me feel kinda sick. I even asked him what he would do if he knew I acted like that behind his back and he even said he would contemplate breaking up with me. So we are kind of broken up at the moment, like on a break I guess. Its been 4 days since me seeing the text happened. i'm just figuring this all out if i can forgive him or not. He did say if i do take him back he wouldn't feel or say anything like that about other girls for a while, but he couldn't promise anything farther in the future, and I respect his honesty. He feels really bad about the whole thing, and this man is a hard as a rock and he even tried to hide himself from crying in front of me because he is hurt by this. I know we are still young and I know its not like we are 30 and married with kids and need to fix this for greater good. But sometimes I feel okay with it all and think I can forget it, but then all of a sudden the messages fly across in my head and I feel super hurt about all this and don't want to be with him anymore. I hope someone can help me out with this and see if im over reacting or i need more time to forgive him, or to just end everything. Thank you for you're time Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 His statements are both immature & disrespectful but they weren't all that public. This was 2 guys talking. Young guys have talked like that to each other for all eternity. Neither you nor the girl in Q was meant to hear it. You can go ahead & make him feel bad about it but I don't think it's anything to blow up a relationship over. Others will disagree & tell you what misogynistic Neanderthals your BF & his buddy are & why they deserve to be castrated. If you really think this was a bridge too far, dump him. But don't think your next BF or even the man you marry won't have said or thought similar things about another woman. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 There are very few guy's who don't talk about how 'hot' other women are behind their backs. Most get a bit more respectful as they age though. I know my son makes inappropriate comments about girls other than his girlfriend when she's not around, he's the same age as your boyfriend. He would never cheat on her, I know this for a fact as we've had discussions about fidelity. In fact he bought her a ring today for their 3 year anniversary. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Sounds like you are a few years ahead of your BF in maturity, and as a guy I say he sounds like a jerk. He might not be the match of the decade. If you involuntarily tear up something probably is way off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
meta.morphate Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 As a female, I totally understand the feelings you're having (feeling sick when you think about this going on, feeling like you're okay with it and then it all comes rushing back to your head). Obviously, you have to be the one who decides if this is a deal breaker or not since it's your relationship. I think it's good and necessary for you to take some time to yourself, away from your relationship, to process how you feel and what you want to do moving forward. But, I do think it is unrealistic to ...hmm, how do I want to say it .... like control or police what your boyfriend talks about with his boys. So, I think in the future, if you decide to stay with him - or even beyond that, if you get into a relationship with someone else, don't go through his phone! With or without his permission, don't do it to yourself. It just makes life easier on you. If you hadn't seen this conversation, you'd be just fine in your relationship right now. I'm not BLAMING this on you, I'm just trying to give you some perspective. Guys are different than girls, and the way they talk with their friends is different, as well. You're going to piss yourself off and get your own feelings hurt if you read into the conversations that your man is having with his friends - especially if his friends are the "type" that you say they are, and I'm sure they are. Also, I know you're young as well, but your boyfriend is young, and men mature more slowly than women. A 18-year-old boy is still a young boy, in the grand scheme of things. I think you should take the time you need to get past this in your own head, and I wouldn't suggest breaking up with your man over it. If this is the only incident that's happened like this between the two of you, then I'd let it go. Hard to do, I know, but when those thoughts occur to you, do your best to push them out of your head. Time will pass and you'll feel better. This won't be the only time something hurtful ever happens to you, in this relationship or another, but you have to decide what's worth leaving someone over for or not. This doesn't seem like it is. However, I'd be concerned about the friends he's keeping. Again, he's young, these have probably been his boys for years, but I'd make it clear to him that you're not well with the way his boys treat their girlfriends. If he's like, "yeah, I know, I don't like it either, that's my homie but he's stupid, and I would never act how he does", and he demonstrates that through action, then good. But, if he seems too influenced by his boys, I can see that becoming an issue. The best thing you can do is just don't look through his phone (not even for innocent reasons), understand that the way he talks with his boys doesn't necessarily have anything to do with his actions or how he really feels towards you or your relationship, and just pay attention to how he treats you and acts towards you and others. The truth always comes out so if there's anything to be concerned about, you'll find out, you don't need to go looking for it (I know that's not what you were doing, but I'm just saying, stay out the phone/messages/texts, no lurking, etc). For your peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 However, I'd be concerned about the friends he's keeping. Again, he's young, these have probably been his boys for years, but I'd make it clear to him that you're not well with the way his boys treat their girlfriends. Re-read the post. OP's BF was the instigator. The buddy was trying to dial it back. The BF was the one doing all the talking. The buddy went along with it. So maybe the friend isn't the problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Yes, the bf was the instigator and that is a bit gutting for the OP. The bf is the one disrespecting women and suggesting the friend cheat on his gf. OK for him to say he is against cheating but his words to his friend tell a different story. The bf is just a coarse guy, and if that is OK with the OP then fine, but I would not blame her for dumping him over this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Make sure that he knows you think him urging his friend to cheat is bad ethics and also that you found his graphic exchange about her boobs sexist since her body is the only thing he found worth commenting on and not her personality or anything. Just let him know this crap will not fly around you and that you find it disrespectful so he will be more discreet with his boy talk. Link to post Share on other sites
flysolo Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Locker room talk Link to post Share on other sites
martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I understand exactly how you feel and your feelings are valid, you are not crazy for feeling this way. I was once surfing the internet on my (ex)boyfriend's PC and was trying to log onto my facebook account. So when I opened fb he was logged in and had a chat window open. I didn't immediately log out because my eye caught something fishy. Long story short boyfriend's friend was sending him pictures of hot girls and commenting on their bodies, boyfriend was saying ''hot babe'' (it was a greek word that translates to c*nt) and stuff like that, although he's told me multiple times he hate those kind of guys that drool over girls, that 'hot' is overrated anyway, that that one friend is a jerk, that he doesn't care about girls that much (meaning he doesn't chase them, google them, look up them up on fb) unless he falls in love blah blah so I was kinda stunned when I found out how he talks with his 'friend' who isn't really his friend according to him but a coworker who thinks theyre friends..I felt exactly the same, like he'd be lying about who he is, what he likes. He was a gentleman (34 years old), sweet talking, feminist who treated ladies with respect and had a loving nature so I was surprised he talked like a 15 year old with someone who isn't even his friend (so he wasn't peer pressured into agreeing or commenting). But I think your case is worse because it was your boyfriend who started the conversation. He clearly isn't mature enough so he drools over beautiful girls. Yes the girl is underage but he isn't old either so she's close to his age. As a guy, he saw boobs, liked them and wanted to tell his best friend about it, because he knew he'd like them as well. The ''it was a private convo not meant to be made public and seen by you'' excuse is very weak. He was being disrespectful towards you, you're his girlfriend and he shouldn't be talking about other girls like he is single even if you're not present, even if he's talking with friens (unless he's making a joke, of course). I had seen a film (I think Hall Pass) where the guys were talking about who they'd sleep with if it was guaranteed their wives wouldn't find out which was incredibly sad. (instead of being like: I don't cheat my wife, not because I'm sure she'll find out, but because I don't want to, so even if someone told me she'd never find out, I'd never do it). Of course in that case too, the women were never supposed to hear the convo, but does it matter? The guys were still being jerks JUST because they were free to and thought no one would know. All in all, I would break up if I were you but that's just me. I don't know to what extent you're hurting and how much you're willing to forgive because he obviously has some nice qualities since you're dating him. Do you think you can let it go and not mention it in the future, not let it hurt you and get to you? Do you trust him so much that you think he was only commenting about a girl he saw? If yes, then date him. But I'd be very cautious in your position because dating a guy that young who is less mature than you and is also affected by the also less mature than you guys he hangs out with all the time, is a red flag.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cherrymae Posted June 18, 2017 Author Share Posted June 18, 2017 Re-read the post. OP's BF was the instigator. The buddy was trying to dial it back. The BF was the one doing all the talking. The buddy went along with it. So maybe the friend isn't the problem. Yes, It does seem very eye opening because I always thought he was the one who just listened and agreed for the sake of the conversation. It really threw me off. He's always told me that he never instigated his friends cheating and was always against it. So he's seemed to be lying about that. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 OK first off I can't sympathize....it's just texting, and it is "private" conversations between him and his buddy. Boys/men/guys, think about other women...so you better get over that. It is what it is. Secondly you need to stop going through his phone....it's an invasion of his privacy. As for his buddies....as time goes on, he will out grow these dudes, and move on to a more mature phase of his life. Stop micro managing his life. It doesn't affect your relationship in anyway, it's you that is making it a problem. The more you pick at it the more the wound will bleed needlessly. Of course he is going to lie...you are looking where you shouldn't....let him have is little fantasies...he isn't acting upon it...it's just talk. IMO if you don't like it, dump him. Find a guy that has better conversations, and better friends that you approve of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Locker room talk Just like Donald Trump lol Link to post Share on other sites
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