My absent dad wants to "connect"

[bananatree]

Hello!

 

I'm 38 years old. My dad left my mom (literally) at the altar when she was pregnant with me. He was using her for a green card and a job and then realized he could get a better deal for himself without having to marry her.

 

I was born and I never had any contact with him-- he did sent me a package on my 10th birthday with a card filled with dis-info such as "your mother and I got a divorce because we didn't get along."

 

He has been having his younger sister contact me. I was 22 when I first got a call from her saying they would be in town (they live in a foreign country now) and would I be open to meet. I met them. OK, whatever.

 

So, it's been a long time now since he's "been in my life." We've met a couple other times. I stopped by his place when I was traveling in Europe. And I think we've seen each other 2 other times.

 

He wants to come out and visit this summer. He is also, I should add, an extremely tedious person who mostly likes to focus on his victimhood (his ailing health, his poor and elderly mother, all the people out to get him, his dismal corporate job).

 

I'm not very receptive. I've told him if he wants to come see me and my kids, fine. But I'm not excited about it. I'm not sure what the point is. There is no relationship. I don't care about him at all. It's not that I'm even angry with him -- he sends me long missives about how I must be seething with resentment and I should get over that because he "would never treat his father this way." (he is taking issue with me taking a loooooong time to respond to his emails). I'm not angry with him. I just don't care.

 

It's like if a totally random stranger came into your life and for the past 15 years kept pressing for a bonded relationship. But because he sired me, I'm compelled to entertain him.

 

After all, he is not young. In his mind, he was denied having a relationship with me when I was young because of "circumstances." He, of course, is the victim.

 

I'm not really looking for advice here. But feel free to share your experiences. I know I'm not the only person in the world struggling to find the right emotional response to an absent or failed parent.

[d0nnivain]

Just say no.

 

Tell him it would be inconvenient for him to stay but if he's going to be nearby you could meet him for dinner one night (if you want to see him at all). Otherwise you owe him nothing.

[GorillaTheater]

If you look back at the threads I've posted, there's one recounting my college days as a semen donor. Seller, actually, under medical supervision and used for women and couples who wanted to have a child. I was curious about any progeny out there and actually connected with the mother and one of the kids on a website geared towards that sort of thing. The boy was around 15 or 16 at the time and after a lot of communication visited us for a week, and my oldest son who was about the same age (they could be twins) visited them for a week. After that, contact between him and I kind of died out.

 

 

We're all still friendly enough, but nothing much beyond casual acquaintances who share an unusual connection. I wish he and his mother happy birthdays on FB, otherwise communicate pretty infrequently, and that's about it. Anything more would be forced and artificial on both sides.

 

 

And that's pretty much where I think you're at, only worse because he isn't the sort of person you'd think twice about hanging out with under any other circumstances. He is, almost literally, nothing more than a semen donor. Anything beyond casual and infrequent communication is forced and artificial in your case as well.

 

 

And I'd tell your "father" exactly that.

[Mittens]

I've not had any contact with my father in 27 years...he left my mother when I was on honeymoon with my first husband. I was just 21. He'd barely been in my life for 10 years before that, working abroad and having affairs with the local woman. My mother stayed with him for the good money he was earning...but that's a whole other story.

 

I was emotionally blackmailed by my mother into cutting all contact when he left, but I'm pretty much certain it would have happened anyway. He was already a virtual stranger to me, who took little to no interest in my life - I was in a serious car accident when I was 17, had to learn to walk again...and he didn't bother coming back from his job abroad to see me.

 

I've had a lot of pressure from well meaning people, mainly loved ones and their families...a lot of 'you will regret it when he dies' (I probably won't even know if he has, for all I know he could be dead right now) and assorted other cliches people tend to bring out in these situations.

 

There is no 'right' emotional response...respond the way you want to. If you don't want him in your life, that is purely up to you. Don't let others guilt you into keeping contact if you really know you don't want to.

[mikeylo]

Do it only if you want to. Not out of obligation or pressure from others. You need to be happy doing with what you do. No one has the right to blame you for your stance.

I know many people do say that you will realize when he is dead or when you yourself are in your 40s but every person is different.

 

Don't let anyone guilt you into it.

[teak]

It's ok for you to want nothing to do with him. It's ok to shut it all down and walk away. DNA doesn't mean he is owed your attention, time, or explanation of your feelings. It's ok to think of yourself and your family without him - without guilt.

[preraph]

If you don't want it, don't do it. He used your mother, apparently, and he may be worming himself in to use you. Why not have a private investigator find out if he's gainfully employed and all that so you know what his situation is. A friend of mine in a similar situation, her absentee and abusive father suddenly wanted to be part of the family with his new wife when my friend was 30. Why? Because imagine a guy 50 years old or so with a new wife and she's going to be asking questions and wanting to meet his family and he won't want her to think he's a jerk so he tried to make it look like they had a relationship. But in the end my friend cut him off. He hadn't changed. He was doing it to make himself look normal.

[htmshsj]

It sounds like you've moved on and have your own family responsibilities. He clearly bailed on his responsibilities when you were young, and now he's probably coming back into the picture as he's getting older and his health is failing and there isn't anyone to take care of him.

 

You really don't owe him anything. It's good to be decent, but if I were you, I wouldn't allow him to drain any of my resources--emotional, financial, or otherwise.

 

And the victimhood thing really isn't surprising. His desire to reconnect is basically on his own completely selfish terms.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Your father sounds like a toxic individual who will never add value to your life. It's up to you, obviously, but I don't think any good will come from spending any time with him.

[Whodatdog]

I think calling him your father is a bit of a stretch. More like a sperm donor.

 

He didnt act like a father to you, he never was a father to you. He's wanting to contact you now, either because he feels guilty, or because he needs something.

 

Id pass.

[h57zf]

My mom separated from my dad when I was young, but he paid child support and paid for my education. I'm grateful for that but other than that I don't feel very close to him.

 

My mom passed away when I was 21, and he suddenly wanted to show up and start being dad again, after not really being around (other than in a financial sense) for 18 years. He wanted to make up for lost time, I guess but the thing is he had no idea how to be a dad to someone who was 21.

 

I have to limit my contact with him. My job is close to where he lives (which is another story in and of itself) and I could easily save on rent by living with him, but I choose not to. I'd rather commute 45 minutes extra every day. Even when I go back he's always trying to get me to stay around an extra day by saying "Just go back home tomorrow, it's only across town" several days in a row, because he still thinks at 31, I can't take care of myself without his "supervision" (although he's begrudgingly accepted it).

[whichwayisup]

I'm going to play devils advocate here just keep an open mind.

 

Have you sat down and had honest conversations with him about the past, how hurt you've been? Have you heard his version of what happened years ago?

 

If there's any chance of reconnecting and getting to know one another in the now and having a relationship (if he's willing too and you both start fresh and possibly doing family counseling together) it might be worth considering. Life is short. He obviously loves you and wants to get to know you, be in your life.

 

It would just suck if something happened to him and you were filled with some regret of not taking the opportunity to forgive him and have a relationship.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[healing light]

I agree with those who said that he wants something from you. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he was coming back around for financial support or caretaking.

 

Personally, if he truly loved and respected you, he wouldn't be trying to guilt you with comments like "get over it...because he would never treat his father that way."

 

What a load of crap.

 

 

If you do meet with him, I think the poster's suggestion that you make yourself available for dinner out and not have him stay over is a good one. You'll see if he's able to pay his way enough to not be a drain on your resources.

[bebe23]

I agree with all who said above that it is okay to NOT have anything to do with him.

 

A sperm donor does NOT make a father. What makes a father is a father spending 18-19 years loving, protecting, and nurturing, and providing for his child and loving and caring for that child's mother, as well.