Drunk texted to end it and now I regret it

[Dis]

Having a talk on the phone or in person isnt going to help

 

He's doing a slow fade because he WANTS to

 

We cant change what people do or what they want

 

If a guy was doing a slow fade on me, theres no way I stick around for another week, just to talk to him about his indifference for me. I would be turned off and walking in the other direction. Block...delete...done

 

Girl, this guy isnt pulling his weight, he doesnt seem to care for you, his actions are making you anxious and upset...why would you say one more word to him? Why is he worth your time?

 

When/IF you do have a talk with him that'll be the end of it. He barely wants to drop a text to say, hi. He def doesnt want to have a deep convo about where you two stand

 

I'm glad you're going to get some help...thats a great start

 

Until you've processed everything you need to...take a break from dating. Otherwise you'll be chasing after guys like this who dont deserve a second of your time

 

Keep your chin up girl

[Maggie4]

His behavior has been going on for about 3 weeks and it got substantially worse this week. It's uncharacteristic of him, and there were times before when he was 10x busier than he is now but he still made time for me. And who's to say he won't completely disappear next week?

 

You mean you want to dump him before he dumps you? If that's the plan, then you are simply going to tell him that it is over. (Be sure this is what you want.)

 

But you said you wanted to" confront" him, as in you'll ask or accuse him in a confrontational way. Realize that if you do this, either he breaks it off, or he tells you it's not what you think, in which case you're back to limbo, nothing accomplished.

 

Seems you don't want to wait. But you can at least take time for yourself, to decide on which scenario you want before you call him?

[mortensorchid]

Slow fades (or ghosting) is cowardly on the part of either party to do to the other. It's happened to me, and ... It's what it is.

 

When it did a few years ago, I realized I reached a new point in life. Also, I am committed to being a calm, cool, reasonable person, not throw a tantrum, stone faced, stoic, etc. Inside I may not like what I am feeling, but I also listened to the voice of reason to say "It's fine. You'll be okay. Move on. He doesn't deserve you, who cares about his reasons why. Etc." I did find out his reasons why later on, but it's what it is. It's time to MOVE ON from it, and I think you can as well.

[foreverdancer]

UPDATE: So... I finally ended it.

 

I called him Sunday night and told him how I felt. He said he hadn't been aware of his behavior and apologized. He said there was nothing wrong with me or what I was doing or not doing. He said he was going through a lot in his life and he has been feeling unhappy and directionless. He confessed that he wasn't ready for a relationship because of how his life is going on and because he has been hurt a lot before. He apologized to me if I felt that he was leading me on. He told me that if I wanted certainty, I shouldn't let him hold me back from finding it elsewhere. He said he cared about me and he wouldn't have known what would happen if I weren't there during his lowest points. So he proposed that we should just get to know each other a little longer and continue what we have. I told him I didn't know if I wanted a serious relationship either and we should just see where this goes. However I never got to ask him why he took down our picture on his Facebook and I really regret it.

 

I was kinda hoping his behavior would change after that conversation, but it didn't. The next two days, he was still a sporadic texter and didn't call at all. Last night I ignored his first text, then he texted again. I was drunk and sent him a message saying how we should just go our separate ways and I doubted he really liked me. He merely replied that he was sorry I felt that way, I hope I enjoyed it all, and thanked me for everything.

Ma

Now I'm having regrets because I keep on thinking I didn't try hard enough to fix things. Maybe I should've given it another couple of weeks. Maybe I should've waited until we saw each other in person to decide. I feel like a jerk for ending it via text and a drunken one at that.

Edited June 14, 2017 by foreverdancer

[foreverdancer]

Met this guy (he's 29, I'm 21) about 3 months ago and we started seeing each other. It was going well. We saw each other multiple times a week, I met his parents and hung out with his friends, he brought me to work stuff, etc. We weren't seeing anyone else despite having no explicit agreement. He even tried to convince me to study law at the same university (5 hours away) he planned to take his master's. He told me he was just waiting for my decision. I couldn't study there so he decided to study somewhere nearer.

 

We went on vacation in the last week of May and things started going downhill from there. I guess it all started after we tried to have sex (for the third time, I can't do it all the way because of childhood trauma issues which I will be going to a therapist for soon). Since then he has been withdrawing physical affection which he freely gave before, although we still continued to see each other regularly and everything seemed okay on the surface. He also stopped calling.

 

Things got worse last week when I was on vacation with my family. He'd only text a few times a day and he took forever to reply. He never called even though he said he would. I had to ask to call him first and I would sometimes double text him. I saw that he took down a photo of us on his Facebook which he posted recently.

 

I was expecting him to ask me what time my flight was and to arrange plans when I get home, but he never did, so I asked him myself. I was kinda hurt by this (Stupid in retrospect, I was reading some old texts now and I completely forgot that before I left, he said he'd see me in two weeks)

 

I called him that night and asked him if something about me has been bothering him. Explained why. Basically, this is a summarized version of what he told me: "I wasn't aware of my behavior and I'm sorry. I've been feeling unhappy and directionless lately, and I've been drowning myself in work. I hope you also won't worry about me feeling the way you feel right now when you start law school soon because I wouldn't want you to be distracted by that. To be honest, relationships aren't a priority for me right now because I'm at a critical point in my career, and I've been hurt a lot in previous relationships, so I want my next relationship to be certain. If you want certainty, don't let me hold you back from finding it elsewhere. But I really like you and care about you, I wouldn't know what I would've done if you weren't there during my lowest points. I appreciate what we have and we should just continue really getting to know each other. Sorry if I led you on." I said I felt that I didn't know what I wanted either so I agreed to continuing the same way.

 

I thought his behavior would change after the call but it didn't. The following day (just this Monday), he still only texted very sporadically. Yesterday he only texted again during the evening. I was quite fed up then and I was dead set on breaking it off through text. I felt like he didn't deserve an explanation face to face or even through call. I waited until he double texted. Still ignoring him. I went out and got drunk and penned a fairly un-emotional "break up" message at 1:30 AM. He just replied that he was sorry I was feeling that way but that he hoped I'd enjoyed what we had and he thanked me for everything.

 

I'm going crazy now. I feel like I overreacted and I should've just waited it out a little longer. The whole not-seeing-me-when-I-got-home thing really hurt me and now I feel stupid because I FORGOT we couldn't see each other then. I also feel like a jerk because I KNOW he is going through hell at work and I've long noticed that he seems a bit unhappy inside. I feel like I didn't even try to understand him and that I just got carried away by my emotions.

[Zahara]

The relationship was ending regardless of your drunken text.

 

He was passively delivering you an ending when he spoke to you on the phone.

 

Through guilt, he couldn't relay his message in a straightforward manner and end it. He went around the bend but you didn't get the hint and clung on. It was only a matter of time till he faded enough for you to end it -- and that was the route he was going to take. You did what he could not do and not because he wanted to relationship but because he was feeling much guilt.

[kortz]

If he's acting like this after only 3 months it sounds like he's checking out a bit mentally but hasn't built up the courage to end it, or hasn't got a plan for moving on yet and is just biding his time.

 

Just my opinion, but regardless of work or other commitments people will make time to text, speak and see people they are into. If he's been with you 3 months but isn't sure about the relationship or doesn't want to be in one then to me that says it all. He is happy to take it or leave it i.e. he doesn't care. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Chances are it'll only get worse.

[hippychick3]

He had already broken up with you. What he said to you was his way of telling you that he didn't want a relationship with you. It was over before you drunk texted him.

[foreverdancer]

The relationship was ending regardless of your drunken text.

 

He was passively delivering you an ending when he spoke to you on the phone.

 

Through guilt, he couldn't relay his message in a straightforward manner and end it. He went around the bend but you didn't get the hint and clung on. It was only a matter of time till he faded enough for you to end it -- and that was the route he was going to take. You did what he could not do and not because he wanted to relationship but because he was feeling much guilt.

 

Idk, I feel like if I tried hard enough, he would come around and break down his walls. I know he has been hurt before and he's now really jaded about love. I feel like I just quitted the moment things only started to get rocky.

 

If he's acting like this after only 3 months it sounds like he's checking out a bit mentally but hasn't built up the courage to end it, or hasn't got a plan for moving on yet and is just biding his time.

 

Just my opinion, but regardless of work or other commitments people will make time to text, speak and see people they are into. If he's been with you 3 months but isn't sure about the relationship or doesn't want to be in one then to me that says it all. He is happy to take it or leave it i.e. he doesn't care. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Chances are it'll only get worse.

 

I believe he has genuinely been going through personal crises and it's not just his being busy with work. And he might be acting all emotionless now because he doesn't want to look vulnerable and hurt especially when I don't appear to be so.

[Zahara]

Idk, I feel like if I tried hard enough, he would come around and break down his walls. I know he has been hurt before and he's now really jaded about love. I feel like I just quitted the moment things only started to get rocky.

 

You are not a priority in his life. He's listed a lot of excuses/reasons as to why your relationship won't work. He was passively creating walls to justify keeping you at a distance.

 

When someone is truly interested in you, they show you. He was showing you that he was checking out and no amount of trying on your part can change someone who isn't feeling interested in you or the relationship.

 

Aside, relationships should be put on hold. You need to work on yourself and invest in therapy. Relationships are only going to trigger your insecurities/issues. Stay away from them until you've invested significant amount of effort, energy and time healing emotionally and mentally.

[Bastile]

Idk, I feel like if I tried hard enough, he would come around and break down his walls. I know he has been hurt before and he's now really jaded about love. I feel like I just quitted the moment things only started to get rocky.

 

Come on now, be fair. I read a different thread that you made.

 

You call him "jaded about love", yet you were sleeping with another guy whilst seeing him and assuming some form of exclusivity. Meaning that you were never truly invested in him anyway.

 

I say this as someone that has slept around, but when I get invested in a woman, I've naturally dropped everyone else. That's the way it goes, with or without exclusivity in my experience.

 

So you weren't in it either.

 

And as such, a relationship where neither person really invested ends up being short-term, which is actually the norm.

[frigginlost]

Met this guy (he's 29, I'm 21) about 3 months ago and we started seeing each other. It was going well. We saw each other multiple times a week, I met his parents and hung out with his friends, he brought me to work stuff, etc. We weren't seeing anyone else despite having no explicit agreement. He even tried to convince me to study law at the same university (5 hours away) he planned to take his master's. He told me he was just waiting for my decision. I couldn't study there so he decided to study somewhere nearer.

 

We went on vacation in the last week of May and things started going downhill from there. I guess it all started after we tried to have sex (for the third time, I can't do it all the way because of childhood trauma issues which I will be going to a therapist for soon). Since then he has been withdrawing physical affection which he freely gave before, although we still continued to see each other regularly and everything seemed okay on the surface. He also stopped calling.

 

Things got worse last week when I was on vacation with my family. He'd only text a few times a day and he took forever to reply. He never called even though he said he would. I had to ask to call him first and I would sometimes double text him. I saw that he took down a photo of us on his Facebook which he posted recently.

 

I was expecting him to ask me what time my flight was and to arrange plans when I get home, but he never did, so I asked him myself. I was kinda hurt by this (Stupid in retrospect, I was reading some old texts now and I completely forgot that before I left, he said he'd see me in two weeks)

 

I called him that night and asked him if something about me has been bothering him. Explained why. Basically, this is a summarized version of what he told me: "I wasn't aware of my behavior and I'm sorry. I've been feeling unhappy and directionless lately, and I've been drowning myself in work. I hope you also won't worry about me feeling the way you feel right now when you start law school soon because I wouldn't want you to be distracted by that. To be honest, relationships aren't a priority for me right now because I'm at a critical point in my career, and I've been hurt a lot in previous relationships, so I want my next relationship to be certain. If you want certainty, don't let me hold you back from finding it elsewhere. But I really like you and care about you, I wouldn't know what I would've done if you weren't there during my lowest points. I appreciate what we have and we should just continue really getting to know each other. Sorry if I led you on." I said I felt that I didn't know what I wanted either so I agreed to continuing the same way.

 

I thought his behavior would change after the call but it didn't. The following day (just this Monday), he still only texted very sporadically. Yesterday he only texted again during the evening. I was quite fed up then and I was dead set on breaking it off through text. I felt like he didn't deserve an explanation face to face or even through call. I waited until he double texted. Still ignoring him. I went out and got drunk and penned a fairly un-emotional "break up" message at 1:30 AM. He just replied that he was sorry I was feeling that way but that he hoped I'd enjoyed what we had and he thanked me for everything.

 

I'm going crazy now. I feel like I overreacted and I should've just waited it out a little longer. The whole not-seeing-me-when-I-got-home thing really hurt me and now I feel stupid because I FORGOT we couldn't see each other then. I also feel like a jerk because I KNOW he is going through hell at work and I've long noticed that he seems a bit unhappy inside. I feel like I didn't even try to understand him and that I just got carried away by my emotions.

 

Why are you (and everybody else) over-analyzing this?

 

He flat-out told you.

 

You did absolutely nothing wrong in breaking up with him.

[Whodatdog]

Believe what he told you.

[springy]

He ended it the night you called, prior to the drunk text. At some point he lost interest. Sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, really?

 

Are you not also sleeping with a different guy who has a girlfriend?

 

To the other posters, I strongly encourage you to read OP's other threads for context to this one. There is much more to this story.

[Miss Peach]

It sounds like a slow fade to me. That text is basically all you could have done.

[Zahara]

I read the other thread as suggested by other posters.

 

You were seeing/sleeping with the 2nd guy, who has a girlfriend 2 weeks after meeting your ex?

 

It's good that you ended this relationship because you are only attaching to your ex for no other reason other than to fill a void/seek attention. Let him go.

 

Along with the other guy with the girlfriend -- stay away and focus on yourself.

[dumbass2]

Did you ever go see a therapist like you said you were to help with your past trauma? Also, did you stop seeing the other man that had the girlfriend?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, really?

 

Are you not also sleeping with a different guy who has a girlfriend?

 

To the other posters, I strongly encourage you to read OP's other threads for context to this one. There is much more to this story.

 

Thanks for the heads up. And, I'll pass.

[foreverdancer]

I read the other thread as suggested by other posters.

 

You were seeing/sleeping with the 2nd guy, who has a girlfriend 2 weeks after meeting your ex?

 

It's good that you ended this relationship because you are only attaching to your ex for no other reason other than to fill a void/seek attention. Let him go.

 

Along with the other guy with the girlfriend -- stay away and focus on yourself.

 

Did you ever go see a therapist like you said you were to help with your past trauma? Also, did you stop seeing the other man that had the girlfriend?

 

Come on now, be fair. I read a different thread that you made.

 

You call him "jaded about love", yet you were sleeping with another guy whilst seeing him and assuming some form of exclusivity. Meaning that you were never truly invested in him anyway.

 

I say this as someone that has slept around, but when I get invested in a woman, I've naturally dropped everyone else. That's the way it goes, with or without exclusivity in my experience.

 

So you weren't in it either.

 

And as such, a relationship where neither person really invested ends up being short-term, which is actually the norm.

 

OP, really?

 

Are you not also sleeping with a different guy who has a girlfriend?

 

To the other posters, I strongly encourage you to read OP's other threads for context to this one. There is much more to this story.

 

Okay, I get it, I'm a terrible person for being with this other guy with the girlfriend, but I'm COMPLETELY devastated about what happened with me and the guy I'm seeing. I really liked him a lot and I was getting attached to him and I was ready to be with him even with law school coming up and him being a lot busier with work at the same time. I feel like kicking myself for not doing enough to make him like me as much as I like him now. I've cried a lot over this.

 

And to answer your questions, I am still seeing the other guy, but only because I've been feeling so hurt lately. And I'm waiting for my side gig to start so I can use the money I earn to see a therapist. My parents don't give me a lot of disposable allowance for no reason. I don't plan on asking them for money to see a therapist because I don't want them to know anyway.

Edited June 15, 2017 by foreverdancer

[Bastile]

OP, really?

 

Are you not also sleeping with a different guy who has a girlfriend?

 

To the other posters, I strongly encourage you to read OP's other threads for context to this one. There is much more to this story.

 

Yeah. There was some skullduggery at play.

 

It's completely fine seeing different people, but not so much when you are projecting the opposite image to the guy.

 

Basic rule, I think, is that if your date/potential boyfriend or girlfriend/or whatever knows what you are getting up to, would it change their impression of you in any significant way? I think it likely would have. And that's bad for everyone concerned, getting worse the longer it goes on.

 

Hell, looking back, you said it was “because I was horny”. So what is going to happen when you're in the relationship with him? Probably keep messaging the other guy, or inviting other approaches. You already developed a higher level of intimacy with the other guy who is already spoken for.

 

Learn to use porn and cold showers. Otherwise you'll keep getting into mischief

 

I said in the other thread that you can't bemoan not finding the right guy, if you aren't the right woman. Stop focusing on him, and focus on getting yourself to a better place. Therapy (for the complicated sex issue), self-reflection (for your own behaviours) and the like are more important.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Bastile

[Zahara]

Okay, I get it, I'm a terrible person for being with this other guy with the girlfriend, but I'm COMPLETELY devastated about what happened with me and the guy I'm seeing. I really liked him a lot and I was getting attached to him and I was ready to be with him even with law school coming up and him being a lot busier with work at the same time. I feel like kicking myself for not doing enough to make him like me as much as I like him now. I've cried a lot over this.

 

And to answer your questions, I am still seeing the other guy, but only because I've been feeling so hurt lately. And I'm waiting for my side gig to start so I can use the money I earn to see a therapist. My parents don't give me a lot of disposable allowance for no reason. I don't plan on asking them for money to see a therapist because I don't want them to know anyway.

 

"Hurt" doesn't justify destructive behavior. You don't excuse knowingly sleeping with a man that has a girlfriend because you're hurt. That's selfish and immature. If you're hurt, you manage and find your way out of those difficult situations through self-reflection and other self-healing/coping methods.

 

You want commitment and loyalty from a man but you yourself do not understand or value the concept of it. So don't expect it from someone else.

 

Your justifications and entitlement are issues you need to work on.

[hippychick3]

Okay, I get it, I'm a terrible person for being with this other guy with the girlfriend, but I'm COMPLETELY devastated about what happened with me and the guy I'm seeing. I really liked him a lot and I was getting attached to him and I was ready to be with him even with law school coming up and him being a lot busier with work at the same time. I feel like kicking myself for not doing enough to make him like me as much as I like him now. I've cried a lot over this.

 

And to answer your questions, I am still seeing the other guy, but only because I've been feeling so hurt lately. And I'm waiting for my side gig to start so I can use the money I earn to see a therapist. My parents don't give me a lot of disposable allowance for no reason. I don't plan on asking them for money to see a therapist because I don't want them to know anyway.

 

I wonder how devastated that guy's girlfriend will feel when she finds out he's been cheating on her with you. I feel more empathy for that girl.

 

OP, you need to take responsibility for your actions and own them. Your "feelings" are no justification whatsoever for your behavior.