Wandering Eyes

[Disrespected?]

I understand that most men look at other women when they're dating. However, to what point is it considered excessive? My boyfriend looks at other women and I didn't have a problem with it at first. However, it happens so frequently, I feel ignored and disrespected. He doesn't just "look", he stares - to the point of making his target as well as me uncomfortable. As if that's not enough, he feels the need to comment on her body or her hair or something saying how beautiful or perfect it is. Meanwhile, he tells me my nose is crooked, I'm too fat, to short, why don't I grow my hair out, - he tells me how much he likes dark skinned naturally tanned women while I'm as pale as they come. How much more can I take? This has gotten to the point where it's abusive I think. When we watch tv or a movie together he does the same thing, commenting on how beautiful everyone else is unceasingly. When I confronted him about it, he said that everyone does it and that it's normal, and that I'm the one that has the problem. I have no problem with someone appreciating beauty, but this envolves a great portion of his dialogue. Am I really overeacting?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Am I really overeacting?"

 

No, your boyfriend is heinously inconsiderate and inappropriate. There are many other ways of breaking up with you besides letting you know how attracted he is to others and how unattracted he is to you.

 

There are many guys who would find you quite luscious. Shed this guy and go find one. He's a worthless, low class scumbag.

 

If you continue subjecting yourself to this kind of very serious abuse, then you need counselling to see why you would remain with a guy like this. You also may need some help with regaining your self-esteem because this guy has really gone out of his way to try to batter it.

 

I think he's a sicko!!!

[Ashesmum]

He's not respecting you. It's one thing if a man looks and keeps his comments to himself, but telling you how you aren't pretty like everyone else is rude. If he really loved you, he would have more respect for you and would appreciate you. Why is he with you for if he's looking for something better? You need to next time tell him how you feel and how you don't want him to disrespect you. Or try doing the same thing to him and see how he likes it!

I understand that most men look at other women when they're dating. However, to what point is it considered excessive? My boyfriend looks at other women and I didn't have a problem with it at first. However, it happens so frequently, I feel ignored and disrespected. He doesn't just "look", he stares - to the point of making his target as well as me uncomfortable. As if that's not enough, he feels the need to comment on her body or her hair or something saying how beautiful or perfect it is. Meanwhile, he tells me my nose is crooked, I'm too fat, to short, why don't I grow my hair out, - he tells me how much he likes dark skinned naturally tanned women while I'm as pale as they come. How much more can I take? This has gotten to the point where it's abusive I think. When we watch tv or a movie together he does the same thing, commenting on how beautiful everyone else is unceasingly. When I confronted him about it, he said that everyone does it and that it's normal, and that I'm the one that has the problem. I have no problem with someone appreciating beauty, but this envolves a great portion of his dialogue. Am I really overeacting?

[Bubbles]

My Dear Disrespected,

 

Let me tell you what I did to change my boyfriends mind about who has the problem and who should have to deal with what!

 

About 3 months ago I read a message on Loveshack and the girl was complaining about the exact same thing....So with interest I read all of the responces to the message because I was having the same exact problem with my bf....

 

The bottom line is this, there is an old saying, "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander" do you know what that means??? That means - what is o.k. for him to do is o.k. for you to do.

 

Before he gets a chance to comment on other women, make comments about other men and I mean really good looking men! and keep making them! don't say it with any kind of nasty tone in your voice! But make your comments until it drives him to ask you WHY you are saying what you are saying. Beleive me he will! I'm old enough to know that men may act like things are not bothering them but deep down inside they are struggling. It may take a few days or even a few weeks but he will get angry, and when he does you ask him this - "How does it makes you feel when I say the things I do about other men? I don't understand what the problem is, I'm only commenting on what they look like or what they are wearing? Maybe YOU HAVE ISSUES! Do you want to talk about it?" if he says yes, be kind - remember you have just forced him to swallow his own medicine and that's not an easy thing for anybody to do.

 

If you do take action - be prepared! Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it.

 

Remember; this could either make or break your relationship!

I understand that most men look at other women when they're dating. However, to what point is it considered excessive? My boyfriend looks at other women and I didn't have a problem with it at first. However, it happens so frequently, I feel ignored and disrespected. He doesn't just "look", he stares - to the point of making his target as well as me uncomfortable. As if that's not enough, he feels the need to comment on her body or her hair or something saying how beautiful or perfect it is. Meanwhile, he tells me my nose is crooked, I'm too fat, to short, why don't I grow my hair out, - he tells me how much he likes dark skinned naturally tanned women while I'm as pale as they come. How much more can I take? This has gotten to the point where it's abusive I think. When we watch tv or a movie together he does the same thing, commenting on how beautiful everyone else is unceasingly. When I confronted him about it, he said that everyone does it and that it's normal, and that I'm the one that has the problem. I have no problem with someone appreciating beauty, but this envolves a great portion of his dialogue. Am I really overeacting?

[sparkle]

WHAT A JERK!!!!!!!! This guy is a total loser!

 

Next time he makes a comment about you, reply back pointing out something on HIM. He's definitely not perfect. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

 

And also, next time he says something, for example, you're "too fat/too short/too pale", tell him "Actually..all my other guy friends think otherwise. They think I'm just perfect and would love to take me out. As a matter of fact, I think I can do better. See ya!"

 

This is the part where you DUMP HIM. If you do not feel like the most special, most beautiful woman on this planet, you are with the WRONG GUY. There will be other guys out there who will make you feel wonderful about yourself. Don't waste any more time with this jerk.

[Miss Mojo]

can i clip him across the ear for you, please??

 

what an insensitive, inconsiderate, unappreciative, shallow, immature moron!!

 

i believe this kind of behaviour is emotional abuse. he's deliberately saying these things to hurt you. it would hurt anyone to have things like this said to them frequently. he is deliberately targeting aspects of your very unique and wonderful self, in an attempt to upset you. this abuse has to stop.

 

do you know how many guys out there would just adore you the way you are?? MANY. yes, men will always look (so do women), but a large percentage of guys out there will look, keep their comments to themselves, and at the end of the day, be rapt in you and only you.

 

next time he makes a comment, throw one back at him that will really hit his sore spot. say, "you know who i think is sexy? that guy in the calvin klein/versace ad....you know, the guy in the underwear whose pecker looks bigger than yours ever will even with socks down your pants. you know who i don't think is sexy? YOU. auf weidersehen, winziger junge!"

 

this guy has some serious problems....get rid of him before you end up with an abundance of your own, and wait for a guy who thinks every other woman is second best to you!

[Tina]

You have to think you deserve better than this rude guy. I'm sure you have respect for him, he needs to do the same for you. You need to let him know that. Tell him all the things that make you mad. If he says it's nothing then he must think you're nothing. Let us know if you decide to talk with him and how it went.

I understand that most men look at other women when they're dating. However, to what point is it considered excessive? My boyfriend looks at other women and I didn't have a problem with it at first. However, it happens so frequently, I feel ignored and disrespected. He doesn't just "look", he stares - to the point of making his target as well as me uncomfortable. As if that's not enough, he feels the need to comment on her body or her hair or something saying how beautiful or perfect it is. Meanwhile, he tells me my nose is crooked, I'm too fat, to short, why don't I grow my hair out, - he tells me how much he likes dark skinned naturally tanned women while I'm as pale as they come. How much more can I take? This has gotten to the point where it's abusive I think. When we watch tv or a movie together he does the same thing, commenting on how beautiful everyone else is unceasingly. When I confronted him about it, he said that everyone does it and that it's normal, and that I'm the one that has the problem. I have no problem with someone appreciating beauty, but this envolves a great portion of his dialogue. Am I really overeacting?

[Disrespected]

I think you are right, Tony. I think he does have some serious problems. He's been divorced for 9 years, he found out his first child wasn't his, and his wife had numerous affairs on him, and he's almost completely bald to boot. Ironically I couldn't care less (about his baldness), but I think he has a real problem with it. It's almost like he wants sympathy for it.

 

He's a family practice Dr. and I noticed whenever I talk to him about my own fp Dr. and how awesome he is, thinking he'll be interested in what I have to say, he changes the subject really fast. He does that a lot. Then he complains about my skills as a conversationalist.

 

Your so right - my self esteem sux, and being in a situation like this sure as hell isn't helping. I do consider him to be a good friend and really don't want to lose his friendship, but I have a feeling he's the type to retaliate after a breakup with even more shenanigans.